Thanks to: LadyKnightSusan, Sweet Sadie, HarryRonHermione07, Mr. Prongs (and Mr. Padfoot hehe), IceSnowAndGlamour, hippolina97, Mood-chan and LupinLycanLover.
To avoid confusion, I am renaming the chapters so they're just 'Chapter 1, 2, 3' and so on. Thanks to the people who asked questions! From now on, if I get any the Marauders will answer them in the next chapter. If there are none, I'll just run with my creative imagination! Thanks to Mood-chan for the suggestion to put Lily in here as well. I guess she'll give an…alternative, that is to say, better, perspective on certain things.
To LupinLycanLover (your pen name reminds me of the movie Underworld…I love that film…anyway): I will deal with school related stuff soon!
Please note Peter was previously bold and italicized, now Lily will be, and Peter will be bold and underlined.
Anyhow, keep the questions and/or reviews coming:
SiriusLoverr
Installment 2
As usual with my stories:
James is normal
Sirius is bold
Remus is italicised
And I just mentioned the changes for Peter/Lily.
Welcome back everyone, so glad to see our advice is appreciated.
Indeed, some people even wrote in asking us questions!
And a special request asking Lily Evans to join our team.
Now, as much as we objected to it…
I am now here. To prevent these arses from giving you advice that could completely ruin your life.
James and Sirius, you mean.
Well, of course. You and I, Remus will endeavor to save humanity from the sick and twisted minds of your so-called friends.
Well, you can pick the advice you want. Lily would like everyone to know that her favourite type of guy is the dark-haired Quidditch captain with the adorable –
In your dreams, Potter. Anyway, let's get to answering some of these questions first of all.
"How come boys are all about sex? Why don't they ever want to know you?" (thanks to Sweet Sadie)
Of course we want to know you!
I think our definition of 'knowing' is quite different to yours, Sirius. You can't honestly tell me you go for girls for things other than sex?
My relationships will remain private!
As they do when you announce every morning to the Great Hall who you slept with last night.
Well, I'd like to answer this question, if you don't mind. Sirius' love life doesn't interest me in the slightest.
That's not the impression I got last night, Moony old pal suggestive wink
Padfoot, if you ever wonder why people think you're gay… Anyway, to the person who asked that question, the answer is that not all guys are all about sex. I know how it can seem that way, with idiots like these two around, but the reality is there are plenty of guys out there who are willing to genuinely get to know you.
Remus, come on. We know you're not asexual.
As do I. I'm just saying that I don't have sex on the brain 24/7.
Well, neither do I. I'd say about…20/7.
What do you have on the brain for those extra three hours?
Four.
Huh?
Four hours, Padfoot. And those I spend actually having sex, for your information.
Four whole hours? Every day? Oh you sicken me, why you perverted little boy…
Oh you're just jealous.
Of course I bloody well am! Sheesh, how d'you…that's just…
If a boy continuously asks you out, and you have no romantic interest in them whatsoever, how do you get them off your back? (Sweet Sadie again)
Wow, seems like I could've written that question myself.
Why, someone giving you trouble, Lils? I'll make sure to give em a good thrashing.
Looks like you'll be in a lot of pain tonight, Potter. Remus, what do you suggest?
Now Moony, be careful how you answer this one.
James, we spoke about this earlier. I will not suggest to Lily, I mean, the person who wrote in…ahem…that she, what was it? Ah yes, "passionately kiss them" every time he asks her.
Well, that's what I think she should do…this uh, particular person.
But remember, Prongs, this 'person' has 'no romantic interest in them whatsoever'.
But that's exactly the point! If they only decided to give it a try, they'd find that the guy was, in actual fact, the most gorgeous creature they'd ever come across and at coming into contact with his smooth, soft lips, she'd find herself falling head over heels in love with him.
I hate to say this, but to whoever sent in this question, there is no answer. Well, there is a wrong answer, and that is Potter's. However, in my own extensive experience, I have found that nothing you do really works. Because, in most cases, the guy is an absolute prat who finds nothing more thrilling than humiliating you at every turn, making sure no decent guy will ever get anywhere near you, and—
Ouch.
Oh you're quite welcome, Potter. So, to this girl, I hope that sooner or later you leave school and get out of the clutches of this annoyance as soon as possible. Because as long as he's around, well, I think the only way of getting him off your back is to actually bring about his death. Which I have contemplated doing several times. Only my sense of honour and decency have prevented it.
Watch out, 'Potter', she's an evil one, that Lily Evans.
What do you think I should do if I like/am dating someone that my friend likes and/or is dating? (Mood-Chan)
Well that one's easy. You don't date girls your friends like, or are dating. It's against the rules.
What rules?
The Marauder rules. We do have a sense of moral integrity, you know.
Who would've believed it.
No, it's true. Padfoot here would never dream of thinking of you in that way Lily, because I already do.
Ok, I really don't want to hear yet again Potter, about your so-called 'feelings' for me. But I must say, I am impressed. Although this person obviously wants help. She can't just…stop liking them.
That's true. I guess you'd just have to suppress it. I mean, if your friend got there first, then of course you can't barge straight in. Friendship is more important than girls, anyway.
Amen to that.
Wow Prongs, never though I'd ever see the day when you put something above Lily Evans.
Well he's right, isn't he.
Did I just hear you correctly? Agreeing with me?
Yes, Potter, enjoy it while it lasts.
Alright, let's answer one final question, shall we?
Mm, alright. Is it a tricky one?
Are some guys into rounder women, or do you boys just go for the skinny ones? (Sweet Sadie)
By round, does this person mean fat?
I…guess so?
No, you prats. Translation into idiot speak: 'are you guys so incredibly shallow as to go for women who starve themselves or do you actually like women with self respect?'
Uh…
What do you mean, women who starve themselves?
Well I guess women who are stupid enough to think that they look better when their rib cages are showing? Because guys like you give the impression that women who weigh over 40kg are not worth their time? [A/N: 40 kg, of course, being in metric measurements…I'm from Australia
I'd hope you weigh over40 kilos…
Of course I do, I'm not one of them, am I? Anyway, I can't answer this question, you guys should. It's directed at you, after all.
Well, I can say personally that I'm not into the super skinny ones. I go more for how funny a girl is, anyway…I guess you could say their 'personality'. They're not all that attractive, and if they're doing it just to get guys, then it seems a little desperate really. But of course, if they have a genuine problem…then I have nothing against them.
Mm I'm in agreement with Remus. I prefer a woman with curves. How about you, Padfoot?
Uh…
That's code for 'I sleep with anyone who wants me.'
Hey! Don't make me sound like some sort of prostitute!
Are you saying you like skinny girls?
Well I must agree that curvier girls are way sexier. Like you, Lily, for example –
Woah, hold up a second!
Yeah, weren't we just talking about your moral integrity…not coming on to girls your friends liked?
I'm not coming onto you! Unless, of course, you'd like me to…
I would pummel you to the ground.
Oh lay off, I'm only joking. Well, not really, I mean I can totally see why James is in love with y—
That's quite enough, Padfoot.
I think, Lily, that what Sirius was trying to say, was that you are not one of those annoying stick-insects that starve themselves to look good for people like him.
Well, that's good to know. So, is that all the questions?
For now, I think. Perhaps we'll have some more to answer next time.
I'm rather enjoying this, I must say.
Well I'm sure you will once we get up to our segment on 'How to excel in your school exams.'
Yeah I must say I'd be of more use in the 'How to pass your school exams by a hair's breadth by doing absolutely nothing.'
Well, I think we shall wrap up now. But Peter, is there anything you'd like to add? You haven't contributed much advice this time!
I don't think I'm going to pass my school exams.
No worries! We can give you (and others in your predicament) the skills by which to master the art of…oh wait, you said school exams. Well, James, Remus and Lily can give you the skills by which to master the art of study success. But that's coming later, I think.
Yes, next segment I think we'll continue on from here. If you have any more questions, feel free to drop us a line via a review. We'll finish off all things girls, perhaps share a few dating disasters of our own for you to laugh at, and then we'll start getting into the wonders (and horrors) of school.
Which is basically the same as girls.
Well, yes. That is true. But there's pranking, don't forget. And teachers, and…yeah, girls. Well, Lily. I could devote an entire segment just to her…
Yes, and I can give you advice on how to ask me out so I say yes!
Really?
No, turnip-brain. I'd rather live in a garbage can with Peter.
Oh, I really wouldn't, Lily. The garbage, perhaps. But Peter's indigestion habits are most –
I'd rather live in a garbage can with Peter.
Ah this story is a dream come true…Marauders banter for whole entire chapters! Anyway, if you have any questions (just make them up, I know that they're not personal or whatever) just put them in a review or message or something. And if I don't get any I'll make some up anyway. So next chapter will be wrapping up dating/girls etc. and the chapter after that will probably start on school stuff, thanks to LupinLycanLover for that idea.
If you have the time, reviews would be absolutely awesome. They make my day when I take a break from study and check my email inbox. Well, more like they distract me. But that's a good thing! Unlike Sirius, I shall hopefully not be passing by a hair's breadth.
Which is totally why you're spending hours writing fanfictions instead of studying.
Yes. Because this is my 'break.' cough
