Chapter 2

By now you're probably puttin' three and six together and figurin' out that this dark, handsome fella was on Yaeaou, and that when Former Miss Toenail Queen went poof, that's where she was headed. Well, you're fuckin' right. Great job, genius. Pat yourself on the back. Except she didn't zip straight from Mugdorf and zap right to Yaeaou, she got sidetracked. Didn't even get outta the Cheetonium System for chrissakes. Love awaits, but you know, sometimes ya get distracted. What can I say?

Anyway, Rey is like particle accelerating through fuckin' space itself when all of a sudden the buckle on her belt starts goin' off. She never even knew it could do that! And what's even more bizarre is it's just repeatin' one word: kiss, kiss, kiss! Rey is like "What the fuck?" and she don't know what it means, nothin'! And then the voice starts sayin' other words! Out of the orange, into the blue! Out of the orange, into the blue! If anyone can hear me, I need your help! I'm on this hellhole of a planet, Cofvefe, and I must escape! If you can hear this, you're my only hope!" And well, Rey, she's a nice girl, what can I say? So instead of headin' straight to her fancy, fortune-told man, and outta that dumpster fire of a solar system, she takes a reallllll hard left and lands down in Cofvefe, careful to avoid the Ass Region, because I'll just tell ya, ya don't wanna go there. I don't even wanna talk about-oh hold on my phone's ringin'. *answers phone* "Uh yeah this is the narrator? Who wants to know? Uh-huh. Yeah, no I stepped on her. Yeah I know, it's a goddamn tragedy. Nobody's more sorry than-wait WHAT? FIRED? BY WHO? *big pause* Oh you gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me! That crazy lunatic? Oh jesus. She's a fuckin' whack job! No, I know! She don't care about her reputation! What reputation she's referrin' to I got NO IDEA! Christ. This is the pits! Oh you're sorry? Well we're all sorry around here, pal! We're all fuckin' sorry! No YOU have a good day! Have the best day, BUDDY!" *hangs up phone*

Well fuck me 10 ways to Frangsday! That nutcase Darth Susan thinks she owns this entire mega-universe! Who does she think she is? Oh, you don't know who Darth Susan is? Well I ain't got much time to tell ya because she's probably sendin' her cronies over to dispatch me as I live and breathe and speak this very moment. But she's nuts. Absolutely nuts. Famous singer. How she got famous is beyond me. She wrote this terrible, sexy album about this rando named Joe and then he broke up with her because she was madder than a Tringdor with three legs! Poor guy. Not too good lookin' but real nice. Too nice, if ya wanna know the truth. Anyway, so she cracked up even more, like a fuckin' dinner plate, and now she's just insufferable. Honestly. I never met her myself (thank GOD!) but I know all about her. I read the news. I stay up to date. God. I can't believe that witch fired me! The nerve! Who's gonna tell the story now? Better be someone good.

Oh shit, I hear small crafts touchin' down outside. What a way to go, huh? Oh yeah, how the hell could I forget this next miniscule detail? She LIVES on Yaeaou. With that handsome guy Lady Wienta showed Rey in her fortune. Ya know why? Cause she's his sister. Yeah. Poor bastard. I mean he's like evil or whatever but she is just the worst. Oh, you probably wanna know this guy's name. Betcha been waitin' to find out. It's Kylo Ren. Well his birth name was-*clattering* HEY, NO, I DON'T WANNA GO! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! YOU CAN'T—wait what? You're not gonna kill me? Well that's a relief! But what's the catch? Oh. Oh no. I don't wanna go back there! My whole family is there! We don't get along, it's complicated! No! Please don't take me back to Planet Connecticut! I'll do anything! I'll do-well no I won't do that. Sigh. Fine. Take me. But you're gonna regret it! Mark my words! This won't be the last you see of me! I promise!"