Chapter 1: Hollow Conversations
Hopping out of the car, Kili leaned on the door to hear the rest of what his friend was saying.
"You better hope you find it, or that'll be the third one you've misplaced in two months!" his friend laughed.
"Don't worry, I'll find it," Kili replied confidently, smiling jovially at the jest. "See you!" Giving a wave, he turned and jogged up the sidewalk.
The mid-afternoon sun threw the shadow of the apartment complex across his path, leaving part of the walk, and the bushes under the windows, in the cool shade. Kili had been lucky to find the apartments; the rent was cheap, and the space roomy enough for a solitary bachelor. After completing school, it'd been paramount that he find a place for himself, and a job, and he'd succeeded in finding both in quick succession.
Seventeen years had passed since he'd had his childhood fight with Fili, during that time, Fili had been living with Thorin (at least, until he had moved out). The arrangement had had two benefits; one, it made things easier on Dis; and two, it had allowed Fili to recover from the loss of losing their father. The downside was that Fili and Kili had grown up separated. Kili had fond memories of playing with Fili when they'd been younger, but after Fili moved in with Thorin, there had only been a handful of visits a year, mostly on holidays and birthdays. Sometimes Fili would even spend part of the summer at home, or Kili would go to Thorin's; but to Kili, Fili was now a stranger, and Fili no longer treated Kili like a close friend. Eventually, Kili had accepted that the friendship he'd had with Fili was gone, and had moved on.
Even now, when they were older, there was still a barrier between them, but it didn't have the same overwhelming effect. Now, when Fili and Kili happened to visit their mother at the same time, they could enjoy spending time together, but they weren't close and would probably never be.
It didn't take Kili long to find his missing phone (typically, it was sitting in his room), and send a text to his friend announcing that he had found it. Lounging back on his bed, he scanned through the messages and discovered that his mother had left a voice message.
A little surprised, but not concerned, Kili played the message, mostly wondering why she would be calling.
"Hi Kili," the recording said. "I'm sorry that I wasn't able to catch you while you were in, but I was hoping you'd be able to come down this weekend. It'll be the anniversary you know, and I was hoping we could pay a visit to the gravesite." There was a slight pause, "And Fili will be coming. Kili, I'd like for all of us to be able to do this together, it's the least we can do," the last part was a plea. The message ended with, "Call me back when you get my message."
Tucking a hand under his head to pillow it, and resting the phone on his chest, Kili's countenance was considering. He didn't have to think about whether or not he should go, that was a given, but it was the nature of the visit that made him uneasy.
Every year, as if it was a tradition (which it probably was now), on the anniversary of his father's death, they had gone to visit his grave, regardless of the weather or anything else. It was the one time when things became strained between Fili and Kili again. Kili was willing to acknowledge the date, but he loathed returning to the cemetery since he was helpless to do anything to assuage his mother or brother's grief. Only because they wanted him there did he go, only for Dis and Fili did he go.
But that wasn't why Dis had been pleading with him at the end of the message. The reason was because she wanted him to remember that Fili was his brother and to put aside any grievances they had. She wanted them to be united as a family, just this once, and not make the day worse by arguing.
Musing over it, vibration against his fingers suddenly distracted him. Rolling over onto his side, he returned his friend's text, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, and then stalled indecisively over whether to get up and find something to do or make another call. Of course he would have to return his mother's call, but there was someone else he wanted to talk to. His fingers chose for him. Scrolling through his contacts, they came to rest on a rarely used number.
Chewing his lower lip nervously, he listened to it ring, wondering if it'd been a good idea to call in the first place.
"Have you talked to the others about this idea?" Fili asked, taking a sip from his glass. "It's only a theory," he reminded. "How can you be sure that it's not just you?"
Thorin glanced at him. "You've experienced it too," he pointed out.
Running his eyes over the papers spread before him, Fili could well imagine the hours of work Thorin had put into them. They covered the table between them, not a speck of its surface to be seen, and every sheet was covered with carefully arranged information. He didn't know where Thorin acquired all his information from, but Fili knew that it was more than just curiosity that drove Thorin to find answers.
"And how long will it take for you to find more proof?" Fili inquired, ignoring the reminder that he too had experienced it. He would've preferred to ignore it and forget about it when it happened, it was simpler that way, but he was in it too deep to not be interested. Thorin felt that it was important and was the driving force behind it. Positive in his beliefs, he carried the brunt of it; it rested on him to carry it out, whether it stood or fell, it all came down to him.
In the space of time after his question, Fili's phone rang, successfully putting a halt to their conversation. His hand immediately dropped to his pocket, and as the last chords of the ring tone died away he remembered the he'd left it in the living room.
"Shouldn't you answer that?" Thorin asked after it rang a second time, glancing at him.
"It's probably Mother," Fili replied, exiting Thorin's home office. "She'll be checking to see when I'll be getting in," he called back over his shoulder. "You'll be coming too, right?" he asked as he picked up the phone, but Thorin didn't answer, preferring not to call across the house. There would be time enough after Fili finished answering the phone.
Glancing at the number, Fili couldn't remember if it was the right one, but the area code looked familiar. Answering it, he said, "Hello?"
"Hey Fili," Kili replied cheerfully. From his tone, Fili could vividly picture the lopsided smile that would be on his face.
"Kili?" he answered a beat later, surprised. "Why are you calling?"
"Mother told me you'd be there this weekend."
"Yeah," Fili confirmed. "And I assume you're going to be there too?" Fili leaned against the wall, folding his arms. It felt natural talking to Kili like this, more so than when they were face to face.
"I wouldn't dream of skipping," Kili responded, laughing slightly.
At one point you would've, Fili thought, but didn't say it out loud. It was pleasant talking to Kili, he didn't want to ruin it, and it'd been a while since he'd had such harsh thoughts about his younger brother, it wasn't fair to bring those thoughts into the chat when Kili had made the effort of calling him.
"Traveling by the usual method of course," Kili added.
"Ditto," Fili agreed, smiling.
"Is Thorin coming?" Kili asked, some of the laughter leaving his voice.
Fili shrugged, "I'm not sure, he's been busy lately. I think he was planning on it."
"What's he been doing that would keep him away?" Kili sounded somewhat incredulous.
"Work," Fili answered vaguely.
There had been enough times before when Thorin hadn't come because of work, and not just on the anniversary of their father's death. Lesser holidays, and family-get-togethers were events that Thorin willing skipped, always giving the same vague answer of work. Dis seemed to understand what her older brother was doing, but neither Fili nor Kili really understood what it was that could captivate him so entirely that he didn't show up, although Fili was starting to understand.
"What's so important about it that it'd keep him away?" Kili demanded bluntly.
Hesitating, Fili wasn't sure how much he should tell. Kili had never been involved with it before. Growing up under Thorin's care, Fili had been introduced to it early on (though he hadn't understood it at the time), and now that he was grown up, Thorin was getting him involved with it more and more. Fili often got the distinct feeling that Thorin was hoping that he'd take enough interest in it to take over some of it. Not surprisingly, Fili was interested in it, and hoped that he'd live up to Thorin's expectations, but he didn't know how much was safe to tell Kili.
"It's complicated," he finally answered. "I honestly don't know much about it myself, and if I did, I'm not sure that I'd be able to explain it."
"I see," Kili said slowly, his flat tone indicating that he didn't understand and that he felt that Fili was closing him out on purpose.
Stretching across the distance, the silence grew between them, uncomfortably heavy. From the clock in the hall, Fili could hear the seconds ticking away, loud and demanding, asking him why he didn't say something to ease Kili's feelings of injustice. Away in his office, Thorin shuffled some papers, the small sound driving out every idea Fili had had about what he could've said. There wasn't anything to say that he could think of that would make things better; Kili would just have to decide for himself whether or not Fili was hiding anything from him.
Bridging the uncomfortable silence that'd grown between them, Kili's voice was more upbeat as he picked up talking again. "Well, aside from being busy, how is Thorin?"
"Same as ever," Fili responded, grin returning, glad that Kili had given them something else to talk about. "What about yourself? I'll admit, I was surprised to receive your call, I don't often hear from you."
"I know," Kili agreed, forcing his laugh to sound light hearted, "I think this must be a first. But I'm doing all right. And you?"
"Same as ever, but I'm glad to hear from you," Fili remarked.
"Yeah, same here, but we'd be seeing each other soon enough," Kili mentioned.
"That's true," Fili conceded, almost wistfully; already the conversation was winding down and it seemed that they'd hardly said anything to each other.
"It was great talking to you," Kili finally said, bringing it to a close. "I'll see you soon."
"Yeah, see you soon," Fili repeated.
Without any good-byes, or any other term of endearment, they hung up.
Rejoining Thorin, Fili sat down with a sigh, running a hand through his hair. Things would be different between them when they saw each other in a few days, that was for sure, but he couldn't tell if it was for better or worse. With anyone else, he would've believed that it'd be for the better, but he couldn't imagine that one phone call would make any difference. He hoped that it wouldn't cause a drastic change, if anything, make things even more complicated between them, but there had to be a limit to how strained things could become without snapping.
"That was Kili?" Thorin observed, breaking into Fili's thoughts.
"Yeah, he just wanted to talk. And he was wondering if you would be there this weekend."
Thorin frowned at the table, pondering it. "Do you think Kili gets them too?" he asked suddenly, tapping the papers for clarification when Fili gazed at him blankly.
"I don't know, we've never talked about it," Fili replied. Guiltily, he remembered that there were a lot of things that he didn't know about Kili.
For himself, Thorin had to wonder if there was ever much said between his nephews, but he didn't share his thoughts out loud. "I want you to do something for me," he said suddenly. "I'm probably not going to be there this weekend." He held up a hand to stem Fili's question of why, and continued seriously, "Because I need to meet with someone who's been helping me. He thinks he's found an important piece of information. In the meantime, could you ask Kili about whether or not he gets them too?"
When would he get the chance to ask that? Fili couldn't imagine how he'd bring that one up, but he nodded anyway. "Sure, I can do that."
oOo oOo oOo
Thinking ahead only enough to plan to leave early Friday afternoon, Kili had to rush to pack what he needed into a duffle bag. He'd made the trip frequently enough, packing for it was almost automatic, but there were still some items that took an extra effort to remember; such as his toothbrush and toothpaste. But luckily, if he forgot anything, Dis had a collection of his belongings that had been left behind from previous visits.
Satisfied that he had everything, he tossed the bag into the backseat, put the key in the ignition, and eased the car out of the parking lot.
Traffic was light, as it was only the beginning of the afternoon, and rush-hour was still many hours away. By then, Kili would be at his destination. It was only a two hour trip, an easy enough distance, but one that made it preferable to stay the night instead of returning home. For Fili it was a longer distance, he would be flying in, and it usually meant that he arrived later and left earlier, but during his stay he would also be lodging in Dis' house; Kili in his old bedroom, Fili in the guest room.
Kili's thoughts drifted over the course of his phone call with Fili for most of the trip, brooding over the points that had stuck out at him. It had gone better than he had expected, once they fell into the swing of talking, it'd been easy. The one thing that itched at him was Fili's lack of a real answer when it came to what Thorin was doing. He felt that Fili did know what was going on, and it irked him to not know what it was.
The day's temperatures were just starting to reach their peak as Kili drove through the familiar streets of his mother's neighborhood. Having spent his childhood here, the streets and houses were like friendly faces; all they lacked were his childhood playmates. Like him, they had spread out and gone their own ways, he couldn't even say where any lived now.
The prominent mountains in the background, the pillowing clouds in the sky, the leafy spread of the trees throughout the neighborhood, they were all part of his old haunts. His father and mother had chosen the place shortly after they were married, both Fili and Kili had been born here, and they both recollected a majority of their childhood back to here. It was where they had made their home, and no matter where Kili went, he felt most at home here.
Pulling up in front of the house, Kili climbed out of the car, and stopped. Shielding his eyes with one hand, he gazed at the mountains, suddenly struck by how familiar they were. He had seen them many times over the years whenever he'd visited Dis, but now, they were familiar in another way. The place was right, the setting was right, but the appearance was wrong. He knew this place as well as he knew his own face, but he knew this other view of it even better.
Shaking his head, and smiling self-deprecatingly, he dispelled such thoughts and grabbed his duffle bag. They'd come to him before, these moments of de` ja vu, usually accompanied by the feeling that he was supposed to be somewhere else, but he'd learned to shake them off. It was only his imagination.
Letting himself in through the front door, he caught the murmur of voices coming from the kitchen followed by laughter and amused talking, as if someone was telling an entertaining story. Dumping his bag in the hall, he slowly walked towards the kitchen, taking time to study the family portraits as he passed them.
He could easily guess who was in there, and he wanted to savor listening to the relaxed tones of his brother's voice for as long as he could. Though Fili didn't try to exclude him, Kili always got the feeling that Fili never fully opened up around him. Afterwards, after he and Fili had gone their separate ways again, it usually frustrated him, and often saddened him, but whenever he happened to catch Fili unaware he liked to listen to how sincerely happy his brother was.
Delaying just out of sight, a few feet away from the kitchen doorway, Kili could hear Dis and Fili conversing, but the laughter he'd heard just moments before wasn't there anymore; instead they were talking fondly of how the previous visit had gone.
Shoving his hands into his pockets, and striding forward without any of his prior hesitation, Kili entered the kitchen with a smile. "Fili, I didn't realize that you'd be arriving so soon," he commented, usually he was the first one there.
"I managed to get an early flight," Fili replied, returning Kili's smile, but there was a puzzled frown over his eyes, like he was trying to place something.
Kili didn't know what to make of the look; it was as if Fili was seeing something he wasn't expecting to see. Not having spoken since the phone call, Kili had been half hoping that things would be little better between them, but Fili's casual welcome indicated that nothing had changed. Or if it had, Fili wasn't showing any sign of it yet.
"I take it you had a safe drive, Kili?" Dis asked, giving him a hug and distracting him from the mystery of Fili's reaction.
"As safe as usual," Kili replied smiling affectionately at her. Sometimes her motherly attentions were overwhelming, but there were times when he didn't mind receiving them. "Did Thorin decide not to come?" he asked Fili.
Fili shook his head, "He had a meeting with someone, but he might show up for a moment if he gets the chance."
Of an equal height, Fili and Kili were opposites in appearances. Taking after their father, blonde haired, blue eyed, Fili's hair brushed a little below his shoulders, neatly swept back from his face. The fringe of a beard and moustache covered his lower jaw and upper lip, handsomely clipped into shape. In comparison, Kili had Dis' looks; unruly dark brown hair (that was a little shorter in length than Fili's), and brown eyes that often sparkled with mischief, with the shadow of a beard that had yet to grow anywhere near as long as Fili's. Whereas Fili's hair was neatly tamed, Kili often left his loose, and in effect it often got in his face.
The elder by five years, Fili was more mature, but even without the age difference, they were of different personalities, and if they hadn't become estranged they might've been good friends.
Taking the initiative to spend time with her sons, Dis placed cookies on the table then inquired as to what they would like to drink, her brown eyes bright with the need to look after them. "Are you thirsty Kili? What about you, Fili? Would either of you like something to drink?"
Sharing an amused glance with Kili, Fili took a seat at the table. "I'm good, I don't need anything," he answered, grabbing a cookie and biting into it.
Catching Dis' eye, Kili shook his head, "I'm fine too. I still have my drink left over from the drive."
Satisfied that they had been taken care of, Dis sat across from Fili, and Kili trailed her, taking a seat at the end of the table.
"I hear you've been working with Thorin of late?" Dis said, picking up her conversation with Fili from where it'd left off.
"Yeah, Thorin has been allowing me to assist him, but only with minor things," Fili replied amiably, slinging an arm over the back of his chair.
Explaining further, Fili expounded on the details, making it a little clearer for them, but not giving anything away. Reduced to listening and watching as his mother and brother interacted, Kili felt like he had when he was a kid and Fili was home for a visit. He'd been left out of the conversations, left to sit in the corner and listen, all the while longing for Fili to talk to him, or at least show that he knew Kili existed. Worst of all was that he knew Fili did acknowledge him; though his position was causal, there was something tense about the way Fili was sitting, and it indicated that he was very much aware of Kili's presence. Even after their talk on the phone, things were strained between them.
The fact twisted bitterly in his stomach, slapping him in the face. Hadn't he been talking easily to Fili a few days before? Hadn't he attempted time and again to make things right between him and his older brother? Most of his childhood had been spent with regret, regret for the harm that he'd done. Wasn't it enough that he'd apologized over and over again every time he saw Fili? But it looked like it wasn't and that it would never be.
Warm and clean, with a hint of pine scent in the air, Dis kept excellent care of her house and it was comforting to be in familiar settings, even if things were far from customary for the time being. Taking a cookie, the usual delicious flavor was lost on Kili as it crumbled in his mouth, and stuck in his throat, making him wish that he had accepted Dis' offer for a drink. Childish as it was, milk would've gone well with the cookie, and it would've relieved his dry throat.
Leaving the table, he lingered by the sink, downing glass after glass of water, swilling each gulp around his mouth before swallowing, trying to get rid of the parched feeling that filled him. The water felt good and cool, all too soon racing away down his throat, only to be replaced by another mouthful, but it wasn't enough. It would never fill the well of emptiness that yawned in him.
Abandoning his futile attempts to wash away his sullen mood, he choked on the last gulp, breathing too soon and sending some droplets of water down his windpipe.
"Kili?" Dis called. "Are you all right?"
"Fine," he gasped out, making his way back to the table. "Just fine."
Reluctant to believe him, Dis' eyes voiced concern, but she didn't press him, and waveringly, still hesitant to dismiss his reassurances, carried on with the conversation. "Tomorrow I thought that we could go shortly after lunch," she said, answering the question Fili had asked before Kili started coughing. "The weather forecast predicts that it'll be sunny by then."
"For what?" Kili asked, irritated that he'd lost track of the conversation.
"Father's grave," Fili answered tersely, giving him a look that said that he should've known that. "What's the weather like earlier?" he asked Dis.
"Cloudy, with a lingering fog, I believe," Dis replied.
Fili nodded. "Later sounds best then. What do you think Kili?" he asked, sparing a glance in his direction.
"Yeah, sure, later sounds great," Kili replied, looking away. He didn't want to read whatever was in Fili's eyes, he was sure that it would only drag his spirits down lower.
Energy exhausted, and sick of listening to a conversation that he wasn't a part of, Kili closed himself in his room. While talk, cookies, and water were fine for lifting one's spirits, it didn't compare to the luxury of a nap after a long drive. Accustomed to such drives, Kili rarely felt the need to recover from them, but it was a handy excuse to escape from his feeling of being hemmed in.
He couldn't explain it, not to himself at least, what it was that made him feel that he had fallen back into old patterns, but it stirred his ire; ire at how Fili behaved, ire at his wish for things to be different, and most all, ire at his disappointment. He'd thought he'd moved on from such emotions, but he'd let his guard down with the hope the phone call had given him.
A signaling beep reached his ear, alerting him that a text message had just come in. Wary of getting caught up in another discussion, he felt an immediate rise in his spirits when he saw that it was from Gimli.
In many ways, Gimli was Fili's replacement. Alone, and stranded, without anyone to play with, Kili had found a fast friend in Gimli, and they'd spent most of their childhood getting into mischief together. Even as grown-ups, they continued to be close, though Gimli didn't live as close as he used to, and they still hung out whenever they could. Gimli was aware of how things were with Fili and Kili, and he knew that every year they visited their father's grave, but he never tried to get involved and held his tongue when it came to his opinion of the circumstances.
"Hey, I'm in town for a few days, are you available?" the message read.
"Gimli!" Kili typed cheerfully. "It's good to hear from you. I'm out of town for the weekend, that time of year again."
The reply came swiftly. "Oh, right, I forgot about that. When will you be back?"
"Sunday evening, late, will you be around still?"
"Yep, we'll meet up when you get back."
There was brief space of waiting, Kili could almost read what Gimli's hesitation meant, and as he expected, the little icon popped up to let him know that Gimli was typing again.
"How are things over there?"
"Same," Kili replied wryly.
"Ah, well, what about yourself? Have you been keeping in line?"
"You know me; I'm always on my best behavior." But the grin on his face was full of irrepressible humor, all traces of his black mood driven away for the moment.
"Sure," Gimli returned, not believing. "Well, I'll let you go for now, and if you happen to see my parents while you're there say hi for me, and I'll see you Monday."
"All right, see you."
Mood much improved from his short chat with Gimli, Kili left his room, ready to rejoin his mother and brother; this time determined not to let his hopes get the better of him.
