A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I cherish your feedback!


"You missed lunch again," Leonard commented, as he and Sheldon walked out to the car at the end of their work day. "What's up?"

"Need you ask?" Sheldon retorted. "If I have to watch Koothrappali whisper his responses to my comments and queries into Wolowitz's ear one more time, I'm going to inject 200 proof ethanol into his larynx."

"Oh, I'm sure it's just a phase," Leonard said dismissively. He unlocked his car and moved to open the door. "Have you been using women's shampoo or something lately? Obviously something 's making him behave this way."

Sheldon closed his eyes for several seconds as he crossed his arms.

"It's because of Amy."

"What?" Leonard asked, squinting up at Sheldon. "She doesn't come to lunch. His selective mutism doesn't work by proxy."

"Amy told him that I have an ovary in my kneecap," Sheldon replied matter-of-factly. "From being attached to Missy in the womb."

"She said that?! Oh my God, that's awesome!" Leonard exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear. He immediately burst out laughing, doubling over as he held his stomach.

Sheldon scoffed at his friend.

"I don't see how that's funny."

Suddenly Leonard stopped laughing.

"You mean, it's true?" he sputtered, instantly mortified. "Wow, I had no idea—"

"It's not true," Sheldon asserted. "Amy took it upon herself to formulate such a—"

"I'm going to have to congratulate her," Leonard interrupted, beginning to laugh again, "'cause that's freaking awesome—and original! Who would have thought one ovary could stop Raj?"

"Anyway," Sheldon replied, clearly annoyed, "until he starts treating me like my correct gender, I refuse to tolerate his sexist behavior."

"Well, now you know how women feel around Raj," Leonard said, shrugging. "I'm sure if you explain it to him, he'll snap out of it."

"I'll probably have to get an MRI of my knee to prove to him that there's nothing there," Sheldon groaned. "Getting a prescription for one is going to be a nightmare."

"Just tell the doctor what you told me. That should work," Leonard said, barely stifling a smile.

"Really?"

Leonard almost fell over at Sheldon's naivety.

"Of course not!"


Sheldon made a move to open the front seat, but Leonard spoke before he could enter the vehicle.

"Remember Bernadette's bacterial colony that Amy spilled on the front seat last week?" Leonard commented, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, right," Sheldon muttered. Leonard smiled to himself at the fact that without Sheldon riding shotgun, he had full control of the radio station and volume. In the meantime, Sheldon opened the back door and ducked into the car, putting his messenger bag on the seat beside him.

"What's been going on with you and Amy lately, anyway?" Leonard asked, starting the car and glancing at Sheldon in the rear view mirror. "She seems to be especially, uh… apologetic lately."

"Why wouldn't she be? She's been on a quest to ruin my life," Sheldon grumbled under his breath.

"What are you talking about?" Leonard replied. "You can't seriously think that because she accidentally let that pigeon into your bedroom that she's trying to ruin your life. I recall her even cleaning up all its crap. Even when she formatted your laptop's hard drive the other day, she worked hard to try to restore it, going so far as to bring it down to creepy Ron at the computer repair shop."

"She's done far more than just that," Sheldon muttered. "Don't you remember the shower adhesives? Or her turning my bus pants inside out? Or my comic book she ripped?"

"Eh, once I sprayed that mildew cleaner on the adhesives, they got better. As for the bus pants, you only wore those bus pants the wrong way one time and then she turned them the right way. Not only that, but you have two copies of Ultimate Spiderman #1!"

"Well, what about what she did to my couch cushion? Surely you remember her spilling coffee on my spot."

"Sheldon, I think you're being kinda hard on her. All she does is apologize to you. Have you ever thought that maybe something's going on in her life that's causing her to be so clumsy?"

"That's no excuse for her behavior," Sheldon huffed, shaking his head.

"Well, what about yours?" Leonard countered, merging onto the main road. "I've noticed that after she starts apologizing, you start twitching and can barely hide your anger and then she and you leave the room for several minutes."

"I fail to see how that deviates from normalcy."

"Well, lemme tell you; it's not normal. When you both come back, Amy always looks like a disheveled mess. You're back to normal, no problem, but she keeps her head down and breathes really hard for a couple of minutes. Not to mention the totally random music you blare when you march off with her—what are you doing; trying to block out the sound of your yelling at her?"

"No," Sheldon replied. "I'm blocking out the sound of my punishing her."


The car skidded to a halt, followed by the blares of horns from angry drivers behind them. Leonard immediately pulled into the next parking lot and put his car into park. As he did so, he removed his seatbelt and turned to stare at Sheldon.

"What are you talking about, punishing Amy?"

"It's rather simple," Sheldon explained. "When she does something bad, she gets a spanking."

Leonard's jaw dropped and his normally squinty eyes widened with disbelief.

"Uh, would you care to expand on that a little?"

"I think I've made myself very clear," Sheldon replied. "When my girlfriend is disobedient or negligent, I teach her a lesson just like my father used to do—not to me, of course, but to my brother George. It's no different than that."

"Oh, I'd argue that it's very different than that," Leonard said, fervently shaking his head. "Very different."

"And you'd be wrong," Sheldon countered. "My method is in fact indistinguishable to what I remember of my childhood," he said matter-of-factly. "I tell Amy to assume the position. She proceeds to lie across my lap and I give her the number of spanks that are applicable to the infraction."

Leonard could only gape at him.

"Wait—where do you spank her?" he asked.

Sheldon rolled his eyes.

"In my room, at her apartment; it depends on the location of the violation."

"I mean, where on her body?" the shorter man clarified.

"Her bottom, of course."

"Oh my God," Leonard muttered lowly. "Her… bare bottom?"

"Only when the occasion calls for it," Sheldon explained. "For instance, her erasing my laptop's memory netted her some extra humiliation. I've half a mind to punish her for every day I have to avoid eating lunch with you, Wolowitz, and Koothrappali. I have to take the bus and travel to her laboratory to eat."

Leonard was finding it difficult to breathe. His throat had dried out so as to render his voice into that of a toad. Certainly this strange dream/nightmare would end soon. It was too far from reality to be possible. He couldn't get Penny to say "I love you" and yet his whack-a-doodle roommate was spanking his kinky girlfriend daily.

"Wait—what does Amy say about all this?" Leonard croaked.

"Nothing, really," Sheldon asserted. "She knows when she needs to be punished. Sometimes she even requests more force behind the strokes, you know, to better learn her lesson."

"Right," Leonard replied, "to learn her lesson."

"I have noticed one oddity," Sheldon added. "Since I've begun the practice of punishing Amy, I've noticed an increase in the frequency of her misbehaviors."

Leonard turned to face forward for a moment.

"Huh. Imagine that," he muttered.

Sheldon continued speaking.

"I pointed this trend out to her today and you know what she did? She said that the frequency has increased because I derive enjoyment from punishing her! What a ludicrous statement!"

"Oh, yeah," Leonard said. "Totally unheard of. Anyway, how did she get you to—I mean, how did you get her to… agree to be punished?"

"Well, the first time that it occurred, she apologized for her transgression and I recommended punishment so as to deter her from repeating the behavior."

"Really?" Leonard said, swallowing hard. "That's it?"

"Well, she recommended her not being able to see the new Star Trek movie, which was absurdly harsh. I countered it with recommendation of a spanking and she eventually agreed that I had no other choice. Anyway, I don't want to belabor the details further because I need you to return to the apartment so that I can move my bowels and update my spreadsheet."

Leonard frowned and faced forward, turning the ignition.

"And he gets to spank his girlfriend," Leonard muttered to himself. He shook his head and pushed his glasses up on his nose. "Well, damn."