You love me, too. Not the same way, I know. But he's not your whole life, either. Not anymore. Maybe he was once, but he left. And now he's just going to have to deal with the consequence of that choice — me.

Jacob Black, Eclipse, Chapter 15

Death. It surrounded her these days. Her past, present and future. Death was the only certainty left.

Bella wanted to live.

Jacob was gone. Gone and the people who were supposed to become her family didn't seem to care. At first she thought that perhaps planning a monstrosity of a wedding was only to distract her. She was grateful even. Then as the weeks wore on Bella realized that it wasn't. They wanted her to forget. They expected her to move on. To pretend he never existed. She couldn't understand. How was it that life, Jacob's life, was of so little worth to them? Why were her thoughts, her feelings given no regard whatsoever?

None of them gave a damn. That was what it boiled down to.

The weeks slowly passed and Bella had begun to spend more time at the reservation. At first it was in the hope that Jacob would see her through the pack mind. That he would see her quiet desperation and come home. Selfish, she knew, but it was so hard to breathe without him. She wanted Jacob to save her somehow. Deep down she knew it would be wrong.

Still, she wanted him all the same.

La Push felt like home to her. More than Forks, more than Charlie's and yes, even more than the Cullen's. Jacob felt like home. At the reservation she could be surrounded by him. His presence, though physically missing, was palpable. Jacob was everywhere. His heart a part of the vast tapestry of the forest. His laughter floating alongside the rollicking sound of the ocean waves. His warmth radiated in the grains of sand beneath her feet. His scent carried on the afternoon breeze.

Jacob Black embodied LaPush.

Bella felt so helpless, so empty and dead inside. It wasn't lost on her that being in La Push, with or without Jacob did two things for her. First, it aggravated her soon to be family, still convinced that the wolves would eat her alive. Secondly, it was the one place she could escape to and be truly alone. Alice could not see her future the minute she crossed the treaty line. She could walk the empty beach and weep for the mess her life had become. Be alone with her thoughts instead of Edward constantly wishing that he could read her mind. Even the pack steered clear of her now that the decision had been made.

Going there had become a near daily routine. Often, she'd pace the beach, dwelling on and worrying over everything that was out of her control. Sometimes she would just sit in her truck staring into space. Her truck. It smelled of stale tobacco and sharp pine, soft ocean breezes and clean soap. A lingering reminder of Jacob Black. She refused to let Edward inside of it anymore, wishing she could bar him from her bedroom in the same way.

Many nights she shut her window to him, only to wake in the fleeting hours of darkness to find glowing amber eyes staring straight at her. That blank look on his face frightening and sending chills deep within her soul. She had grown weary of his possessiveness and domineering presence long ago. Explaining that she needed rest was of no help. Edward would argue, citing that he didn't sleep, that it was for her safety, that in her dreams alone she was an open book to him. The real reason behind his actions fear. Fear that Jacob would come back to see her one last time. Often she wondered if there would be a morning she would not wake. Instead burning fire would coat her veins, taking her life before she was ready.

Here, in her truck, she was safe. Jacob's presence covering her like a warm blanket. He was her best friend, protector, the man she loved but whom fate had deemed fit to deny. Because that was the truth of it. The very heart of the situation.

One kiss.

That was all it took. One kiss showed her an entire life that was physically impossible to hold onto. Soon she was devising reasons to go to La Push. Ironclad excuses that Edward could not refute. Spending time fishing with Charlie, reminding her fiance that soon enough she would be leaving her father, never to see him in this life again. He couldn't argue with her. Even if he tried, Rosalie was on his ass to allow her the remaining time she had left in hopes of convincing her that she could still walk away.

Bella wished it was so easy.

Then she started going to the Blacks. Reminding Edward that he was the one who sent the damn wedding invitation. That it was his fault a father had lost his only son. Bella played to the fact that Billy was wheelchair bound, practically insinuating that he was a cripple and unable to do for himself. Swearing Billy needed her help cleaning house, doing laundry, grocery shopping and getting a square meal since Jacob had been driven away by Edward's lapse in judgement. The innermost confines of her heart knew it was more than that. It was purposeful, deceitful, vengeful. Edward's selfish way of gloating that he'd won. That he'd gotten the girl. As if she was some sort of cheap carnival prize.

It worked perfectly.

Billy asked no questions whenever she visited. It was comforting to sit in silence with him. Wisely, he never mentioned the dark circles that had permanently formed under her eyes. Never pointed out that she was looking too thin or viewed the way her clothes hung off of her now bony frame judgmentally. Never blamed or accused her. Bella's own heart did enough of that already. Instead, they comforted each other without words. Both bereft and grieving a type of loss that few understood.

One afternoon she'd fallen asleep on the cramped old couch she'd so often shared with Jacob. Vaguely, she registered strong arms lifting her. Carrying her into another room. The unnatural warmth caused her heart to leap, thinking Jacob had finally returned home. Afraid to open her eyes, Bella buried her face into the heavily muscled chest of her savior. She breathed deeply, greeted and disappointed by the mixed scent of sandlewood and citrus.

Seth.

Sweet Seth. The only member of the pack who had not stonewalled her. The only friend she had left in the world at this point. Seth. A sweet, loving boy who never complained, but had more right to than anyone she ever knew. Patient and kind each time she called asking for word of Jacob, even though it was his brother suffering alone in the wilderness because of her.

Seth was the only wolf she was still comfortable around. His easy demeanor and thoughtful ways reminded her so much of Jake before all this supernatural shit had come into their lives. When their biggest worry was sneaking off on their motorcycles without getting caught.

Bella felt herself being laid on something soft. Her senses registered where she was before her mind could. Jacob's bed. Tears fell like soft rain over her cheeks, soaking the pillow beneath her head. The last time she had been in this room was the day she told him goodbye. The same day her heart betrayed her.

In her mind's eye, she could still picture him, battered, broken, bloody. Angry purple bruises marring his beautiful skin. Despondent, already knowing what her answer would be, but in true Jacob fashion he held nothing back.

He had tried so hard to convince her.

Jacob, with his enormous capacity to love had laid his soul bare, offering all he had. In return she'd ripped out his heart. Thrown his love away like yesterday's trash. Explaining that she loved him, but it wasn't enough. That he wasn't enough. It would always be Edward. Always him.

His voice still resonated in the air. "It would have been effortless for us - comfortable, easy as breathing."

Life with Jacob wasn't a possibility. Just another dream lost. He would imprint. He would leave her. Edward never would. Even if he could, it didn't matter. Her destiny was already written. Death's cold finger had already etched the epitaph of her tombstone.

Here lies Isabella Swan.

Eternally young.

Lost before she had begun to live.

Beloved Daughter and Friend.

Her small frail figure shook violently, wracked with heart-wrenching sobs. Seth Clearwater brushed the tears from her eyes, all the while whispering words of comfort and hope. "It's ok, Bells. Jake just needs some time. He loves you and it hurts to lose you." Seth combed her hair with his fingers, desperate to help her, afraid for her sanity.

The pack still watched over her. Bella was Jake's girl. They all loved her but couldn't understand her reasoning for marrying Edward. Even Paul Lahote, the asshole of LaPush had been found pacing between the trees near Charlie's house, keeping a watchful eye over the young woman.

"Shhh... don't cry. It'll be ok in the end Bells, you'll see."

"Don't call me that!" Bella's voice cracked under the strain, her throat clogged with tears. "That's what Jake calls me. Bells is gone! Do you hear me? She's gone and so is he! Nothing is going to ever be okay again!" A fresh wave of tears leaked from her eyes. "Just leave Seth. Leave me here. I need to be alone."

The mattress coils creaked and groaned beneath the weight of Seth's enormous body. He sat beside her refusing to budge. Listening while she ranted and raved, screaming fitfully about broken promises and things that go bump in the night.

When sleep finally claimed her Seth slipped quietly from the room, but not before taking one last look around. He missed his brother and understood Jacob's unwillingness to let the small girl go. Something made him want to protect her, take away her pain and fears. He wanted to hold her in his arms and make it all go away. Life was never easy. Seth wasn't sure why it was so hard for Bella to leave Edward. He had a feeling it wasn't as cut and dry as it seemed. Life never was. There had to be more to the story. Bella and Jacob loved each other.

Thinking of Sam and Leah, Seth realized that sometimes love just wasn't enough.

Bella woke sometime after nightfall, forgetting at first where she was. Then it hit her. A fresh wave of tears threatened to spill over when she sat up in bed and looked around the cramped room belonging to her missing best friend. She scrambled to her feet and flicked on the light. It was a perfect picture of him. A simple snapshot of a life so complex it defied imagination. Dirty laundry lay heaped in the corner. Greasy car parts sat silently on the old stained carpet waiting to be put back together by strong, capable hands. A rickety desk pushed against the wall, its surface littered with chewed pens and broken pencils. A too small black t-shirt stretched thin by wash and wear, hung carelessly over the back of a chair. Fingering the soft cotton she finally lifted it to her nose, breathing deep, brushing her cheek against the fabric.

Jacob.

She glanced down at the cluttered desktop. A few framed pictures of his mother and sisters. Billy and Charlie together drinking beer in the late afternoon sun. Her eyes fell on a notebook with words etched harshly onto the page, crossed out, underlined and crossed out again. Squinting to read under the dim light, she saw her own name followed by one word.

Why?

It startled her. A simple question for which Jake had never been given any real answers. Bella lifted the notebook unsure of what it was she wanted or hoped to see on its pages. Beneath it lay a picture. She was at a loss for who could have taken it. Likely Emily or Kim. They were at the beach, backs leaned against a weathered old log. His arms draped around her shoulders, holding her close. Jacob looked down at her with so much love and intensity that it hurt. Their bodies leaned together, her own face serene and content just to be next to him. To be accepted.

Dropping the notebook, she shook her head in frustration Automatically her hands shot out as if to say 'Stop'. She couldn't take it. She had to get out of there. Being in Jacob's bedroom, immersing herself in his world, waiting for him to walk through the door. It was her own personal form of self-flagellation.

It had to end.

Bella tore from the house as if the hounds of hell were after her. It registered that Billy was shouting at her, but she didn't care. Hopping into her rusty old truck she turned the ignition, making it roar to life. The ancient engine screamed in protest as she gunned it out of there, spitting gravel in her wake and pushing it over its own self-imposed limits in utter desperation to get away.

The image of the two of them burned in the back of her mind. Suddenly, she became angry. Jacob had left her too. He had never said goodbye. Not to her, not to Billy, not to anybody. He abandoned her and it hurt more than when Edward had done the same thing.

Edward. Realization had slowly crept over her senses. It was what Jacob had been trying to tell her all along. Their lives, all of them, had been destroyed by the Cullens. They had come to Forks. They knew it would trigger the Quileutes to shift. They ingratiated themselves into her life. In doing so they had led her down a path of destruction, forcing her to weave so many lies that she didn't recognize herself anymore.

Then that disastrous trip to Italy happened. She was such a broken mess prior to that night. Jacob had been so patient with her. Never pressing her for details. Never pushing her. Never forcing her to do things she didn't want to. His friendship and selfless acts of devotion had shown her what it was like to have someone on your side, no matter what the outcome. That night in the truck she had decided to give up the madness. To rearrange her heart. To give Jacob a small opening, praying he could push back the blackness which threatened to overtake her soul.

Everything happened so fast. Too fast to think clearly. One minute she was a breath away from kissing Jacob, then Alice was there so she left. Left Jake without so much as a second look. Guilt from that night chewed away at her heart, burning it raw like battery acid. Jacob had healed her hurts, asking for nothing in return and yet she still took everything he had like greedy child.

Now there was no choice. Nothing and nobody could save her from death. Her fate had been sealed on a bright summer's day, deep in the dank sewers of Italy. The Volturi had seen to that. She'd already chosen Edward anyway, begged for him to change her, so what did it really matter?

Nothing, except that I don't want the same things anymore.

Bella pulled into the driveway, grateful to see that Charlie wasn't home to witness the mental breakdown she was having. For months she'd repressed her feelings and now that the dam had burst she was incapable of holding her emotions back.

Bella chased wildly through the yard, stumbling and stopping short of the line of trees that loomed in the darkness. She was absolutely certain there was a wolf out there. Just as certain as she was that Edward or Alice were somewhere out there too. She'd scream and yell. Rant and rave. Each and every one of them with the exception of Seth Clearwater deserved her wrath. They'd all turned their backs on her without so much as a second glance. Never allowing her to give any sort of explanation. Never asking how she felt about any of this!

FUCK THEM.

They had no clue what she was going through. What all this supernatural bullshit had done to her. How it had destroyed her life, nearly taken away her remaining sanity.

They're sure as shit going to find out.

She strode forward another two steps, back straight, a determined set to her jaw. She opened her mouth to speak and instead started screaming loudly.

"I hate you! Damn you! Is this what you wanted? You wanted me, well here I am. Come and get me!"

Bella began gesturing wildly. Smacking her own chest, pacing and turning circles while yelling into the pitch black night. "You fucking did this to me. I can't sleep anymore! I don't eat! I'm fucking miserable and it's all because of you! You son of a bitch!" Adrenaline coursed through her veins, blood pumping faster and harder with every single shout.

"Do you know what it's like to go to bed every damn night and know that you're about to lose everyone you've ever loved? Do you?" She knew she sounded irrational, her emotions all over the map. After all, somewhere along the lines she'd made a choice. Right or wrong didn't matter. "Do you even care or understand what it's like to have your dreams ripped away from you?"

White hot anger streaked through her like a hot knife along with a revelation. It felt good.

Bella cursed them all. Edward, Jacob, God, the pack. "Every fucking one of you left me and I never once left you! You can all go to hell! Damn you all to hell! Where do you get off judging me? You're all so fucking perfect and I'm just the clumsy human pet you all get to play with and protect? I hate you all. Every last one of you! All you care about is yourselves. Keeping up appearances, protecting your family, hiding your secrets. Claiming all this honor and dignity crap."

She fell to her knees, collapsing from the stress of the past several months, the stress of what was yet to come. "Do you think I don't know that half of this shitty situation is my own fucking fault? Well guess what? I fucking do and I'm paying for it. I'm paying for it with my life. MY FUCKING LIFE!"

Peering into the darkness she could see golden eyes looking back at her. The question was who was it lurking in the darkness? Who was listening tonight?

"You took all of my choices away from me." Her voice was quieter now, broken and no louder than a whispering wind. "The worst part of all of it was that I let you. I let you do it. I just wanted you to be happy. I wanted to love you. I wanted you to love me and now I'm going to lose everything that ever mattered to me."

Tears took over and it wasn't long before a pair of ice cold arms slipped around her waist. Edward held her close, whispering words he thought she ought to hear. Promising her he'd reign Alice in. They'd scale back on the wedding. That he was sorry she was so hurt, so upset. Begging her never to leave him, explaining for the millionth time that he'd only left her before to keep her safe. That he didn't want her to die. He wanted her to live.

Reminding her she'd chosen this. Chosen him. That he was her future. Insinuating Jacob Black was her past. That soon all this anger, all these regrets and human feelings would fade from memory. Together they'd start a new life. Travel new roads for thousands of years.

Edward carried her into the house and tucked her safely into bed. The whole while, humming her lullaby as if she were no more than a mere child. She did not have the strength or will left to argue when he laid down next to her. Unable to fight a losing battle, Bella succumbed to exhaustion. She didn't believe him. None of it mattered. Edward was right.

That night as sleep claimed her, one final thought resounded through Bella's mind.

It will all be over soon.