I was finally onboard the plane when I considered what I was doing. While every thought was still of Bella, my body acted on it's own. Instinct took over and it sought a way to end the pain. I had always known it would end in Volterra. I had writhed over the scenario many times. In sixty or seventy years, after Bella's beautiful human life came to an end, I would go as quickly as possible and beg the Volurri for death. I would force their hand. The only agony of this scenario was that I would have to live a few hours after Bella had stopped. After I left her, I never considered it would be like this.
I never thought I would be begging for PUNISHMENT and death. So what if there was a hell? It was not enough. The guilt bound my hands and squeezed my throat. The gnawed out heart in my chest dripped acid. Somewhere in my head the idea of hell blossomed a fragile hope that I could not quiet. I bared my teeth at it and tried anything to block the vision.
If there was a hell, there had to be a heaven.
Bella, Bella, Bella. This was not even hope. This was just a sickening escalation of my madness. Bella could never cease to exist. She was now somewhere I would never be. She was at peace. I believed that. Bella and I had never discussed much about religion, it was not a part of her life and it was too convoluted and warped in mine. However, I had believed and would always believe in life after death for humans. The soul was a real thing.
Bella…she believed I had a soul. She…believed…
Bliss, total and unmarred by the iron maiden that held me, lifted me for a fraction of a second. In that instant I saw heaven.
Bella was bathed in sunlight. Her full lips parted and as they once had before in our meadow, her hand reached out to invite me into the light. Those eyes! They sang love. In this heaven there was only her attractive scent that no longer tortured me, and her warmth all around.
I would fight my way out of hell to be with her if I could.
My teeth ground as the airplane filtered back into reality and the depth of my sin consumed me. I was now keeping my torture silent, but part of my brain registered the fear of the humans around me, their blood speeding through their veins and their wide eyes shifting nervously towards my face. Yes, the Volturri would have to kill me.
I deserved hell. I could guarantee it for myself. If the Volturri refused me, I would suck each innocent life in Voltera. Exposing them, exposing us all. The monster inside me roared bloody delight. I took a deep breath of the pressurized air so thick with human scent. My massacre could not go unpunished by them or by whatever creator existed.
I was evil, the devil incarnate. By nature I was meant to be a predator, by my actions I proved a villain. I had stalked the dark streets and feasted on blood before. The culminating peak of my sinning had been utterly destroying the one good thing in my life. The monster unfolded in my abandonment of morality, stretching my ready limbs, thickening my mouth with venom, and tasting the air.
Carlisle's face appeared in my head once again saving me when I most desperately needed him. I used what was left of my control to suppress the bloodlust inside of me. I would not kill my family too. I would not bring this attention to them. I would beg the Volturri for death and leave my family alive and unharmed by my actions. I exhaled and willed the plane faster.
The minutes were days. The hours were centuries. The vortex of pain inside of me only increased. Over and over in perfect clarity, my last hour with Bella ran through my head. My brain allowed me none of the beautiful memories of her, only my final crushing act.
"You…you don't want me?"
"No."
I wanted her. Oh god, I wanted her then. I wanted to close the gap between us and lift her into my arms, close to my chest. I wanted to run with her, as far away as possible and spend an eternity admiring only her lips, another on her eyes, and another on her blushing cheeks. My hand burned with the desire to touch her. The pain of transformation did not rival this. I remembered the electricity that had flown between us. So different from the call of her blood, it pulled me towards her by pure attraction, by love, by fate. The hole in my chest sparked stinging, directionless bolts. I knew now, too late, that she was meant for me, that I was MEANT for her. I had perverted that and was now justly punished.
The descent. I was not so far lost in bitter anguish not to feel the implications of that. Down went the plane; down I went to the Volturri, then down to hell or nothingness. I wished hopelessly for oblivion again. I could not hope to hold her, but I could hope not to feel anymore. Please, let me not have a soul. Please, let this be the end.
Night in Italy with a crescent moon illuminating cobblestones brought Shakespeare into some part of my mind. Romeo, desperate for death in the moonlight. I choked one bitter laugh. What was Romeo's pain? HE did not kill Juliet. He had only to deal with her passage from the earth and assurance of follow her. But I…I had slain my Bella and would never know her in the next life.
I knew from Carlisle where to go. I did not care if breaking and entering would anger the Volturri. I wanted them angry. Slipping into the underground, I was in seconds surrounded by crouching and growling vampires in the antechamber. I was led into their main room.
A dilapidated and fragile vampire rose and strode forward as his guard moved with him. Aro.
"I know this vampire," he breathed. Eyes shifted to him, but the ripping snarls didn't cease. "He is part of my old friend Carlisle's coven."
"I come on my own," I snarled, not caring for respect. "I mean you no harm, but I ask for a favor."
"Restrain him," ordered Aro and many hands ground painfully into my muscles. Someone poised his or her teeth right at my throat. I did not resist. I knew what was coming as Aro lifted a frail hand to touch my exposed arm.
And then… my life flashed in my head as it passed through his. At first I listened only for his reactions. It didn't care for most of my many years. He was fascinated by my early life as a vampire, by my family. Alice's visions were once again in my head, Esme's laugh, hunts, and fights with bears and lions. Then he reached Forks.
I fought to slow the pace at which my every thought filtered to him. Oh! The first time I saw her…the SMELL! I was so grateful, so absolutely grateful towards Aro that I would have collapsed with it if not for the restraining hands. He was gifting me every moment I ever had with her. Here at my death, I was allowed to feel her in my arms once more as clearly as I had that day in the meadow. Allowed to spend nights in her room again. To feel her soft lips one final time on mine, her hands knotting in my hair with such assurance of their place in life. I could even hear her heartbeat.
My sobs echoed around the stone room. He flew just as quickly through my goodbye and Rosalie's phone call. He at last knew my reasons for being here and he stepped backwards.
