"I suppose it isn't yet midnight, then?" Loki asked in reply to the question. Thor had come up with what was, for him, a fairly impressive loophole in the laws of Loki's isolation. After all, he was entitled to remove Loki from his cell for one day each year. A day didn't technically end until midnight, and in the years before, Loki had often been returned to his cell a few hours beforehand. So, by rights, there was no reason they couldn't just sit and talk for a while, after whatever mad endeavors Thor had come up with for the day were done.
It was a loophole Thor didn't exploit much, because Thor still did not have a manipulative bone in his body, and that was just as well, because even Odin's patience would only stretch so far. But once or twice in years past, he would stay and they would talk until someone, usually Sif, sometimes Fandral – who seemed to have been warming up to Loki well in recent years – came down to warn him of midnight's approach. Or sometimes they wouldn't talk, usually because a day outside after a year in his cell left Loki with a lot to think about. Thor would just sit, just a familiar, warm presence just out of reach but still nearby, and…that was okay.
"We have a few hours yet," came Thor's reply. Loki wasn't sure he wanted to talk tonight, and yet…and yet something had been brought up between them that they'd hoped to leave buried. Neither of them had meant for it to happen, but it had happened. Maybe it had been a sign that the time for silence was done.
So Loki sat back against the door with a sigh. A few seconds ticked by, as both brothers tried to figure out how to proceed on this battlefield of a topic, and they both made the attempt at once:
"I was thinking about…"
"I wanted to ask you…"
And then silence once more. When Thor attempted to speak this time, Loki let him.
"Before, when you…when you nearly fell." It was clearly hard for him to even mention, further reinforcing Loki's theory that guilt, more than anything, was the likely cause of Thor's falsehood. "I understand why you might have been afraid, to find yourself in such a dire strait once more. But when I tried to help you, you nearly pushed yourself off the edge with your panicking. It…it has been years since then, Loki. Is the memory of that night still so hard for you?"
Don't do that, Loki wanted to say. Don't sound so…heartbroken. Because Thor did, he sounded heartbroken and sad, and Loki had finally reached the point where he could trust what he saw in Thor. He wanted to tell the true reasons for his panic, he wanted to ask Thor what he'd felt, after that night, if he regretted it or if he would have shoved Loki away all over again.
But he didn't, because to hear Thor sound so very sad still made his heart ache. It would do no good, in any case. More than likely, no one but Loki knew what had really happened, and even now, with so much changed, with so much better, no one would believe him over Thor. It would only needlessly damage the life he had slowly begun to take back.
So he forced a smile onto his face, because that would help there be a smile in his voice. "I barely remember it, to be honest," he lied. "I'm not sure what came over me. But I suppose I'll never be as accustomed to battle as you and the others are…"
"Don't," said Thor sharply, cutting him off. "Loki, please. I thought we were past lying to one another."
Unbidden, Loki felt a flash of irritation lance through him. On its own, especially with the door between them, that wouldn't have been enough to make him lose control. But he didn't bother too much to disguise the sharpness in his voice as he replied, hoping it might warn Thor off. "Do not ask questions you don't wish to know the answer to, brother."
"I won't," said Thor, stubbornly resolute as ever. "But I wish to know the answer to this. Loki, I…I only wish to understand. I want you to trust us to keep you safe, I want to give you as few reasons to fear for your safety as I possibly can."
"A shame, that. Because back there, your presence was the reason I feared."
He slid the words home like a knife, because Thor was always, always vulnerable to him. Loki felt guilty almost immediately – of course it was easiest to hurt Thor, but that didn't mean he should. The past was the past, he shouldn't have let his foolish brother go digging around where there was no point digging, he should have been a better liar but it had been a very long day, and…
"You still believe I cast you aside, that day?" Thor asked quietly, in a tone of horror and hurt.
Loki took a deep breath, reaching down with his mind to anchor himself even more firmly. He couldn't risk flying apart. He didn't want to fly apart. Things had been going so well, why was Thor suddenly so worried? "I was there, Thor. I know what happened. Please, if we're past lying to one another, extend me the same courtesy. I know why you did it, I'm not still angry with you."
"I never did anything like that! Loki, that night, you are the one who let go of me! I was trying to hold you up, I was ready to do anything to stop you, but you let go of my hand and that is how you fell! You…you truly don't remember?"
"Why would I have let go? Why would I have ever willingly consigned myself to everything that happened next?" Loki couldn't believe what he was hearing, what Thor was trying to say. He knew he'd been half mad when Thor had found him again, that the Tesseract had affected him more than he'd ever let himself believe for a long time. Part of the reason for his imprisonment was to have a safe place to let that poisonous influence leech out of him. But this arrangement had been going on for decades, now. Surely Thor didn't think he was still so…feebleminded as to believe such a thing about that night?
"Loki, I don't know. Truly, I don't. And I wondered why too often to count, after that night. I nearly drove myself mad wondering how we drove you to try and take your own life! But brother, I would never have done that to you! Not even when you were at your worst. I only ever wanted to save you!"
Thor sounded sincere. Thor sounded downright anguished. And for a moment, Loki found himself doubting. The Other had dug its claws so deeply into him, the Tesseract had twisted his mind and behavior, could that night where so much had changed really have happened as Thor said?
And then Loki shook his head, because he realized that to accept this was to doubt everything about his mind and his memories. He couldn't let that happen, because to believe that even now, his mind was not entirely under his control was a thought that shook him too badly to bear.
"And how do you know that you are remembering events as they truly happened?" Loki asked quietly. "Isn't it just as likely that you threw me away and, rather than live with yourself, remembered that night in such a way that you were spared the blame of what happened next? The end result would be the same. And who would believe my memory of events over yours', even now? Even you don't believe me."
"I…" Thor hesitated. Thor actually hesitated. Loki would have sighed with relief if he didn't feel sick at himself and his brother both.
Even so, he did feel grateful when Thor didn't press the point, when he all but felt the other man slump in defeat against the door. That small, defeated gesture told him that Thor at least understood the mental trap he'd been grappling with for hours, and what his older brother said next reinforced this. "I…cannot dispute you," the warrior said softly. "I remember that night one way, and you another. Between the two of us, how can we be certain who remembers events as they truly happened? I cannot believe I would ever have pushed you aside like that, you obviously cannot believe that you would ever have let go. I suppose asking Father to settle this would not be enough to convince you?"
"No." And more than that, Loki did not want to get Odin involved. He didn't want his father to realize that there was even the slightest chance that Loki's mind was still not entirely sound. "Sorry."
All the same, Loki found that he wanted to settle this question, now that it had been dug up and brought to light. But he found that he wanted it settled between himself and Thor, keep it between the two of them, the truth about this moment that had changed so much and was still, much as he tried to ignore it, impacting their lives decades later.
And he thought he had a way to do it.
"Thor…do you trust me?"
It was a very loaded question, even now. When he felt Thor hesitate, Loki couldn't help but feel a pang of hurt in his chest. But that was his own fault. They both knew very well how very good Loki was at lying, and especially at lying to Thor.
But Thor's voice was steady and calm when he replied. "Yes, Loki. I trust you." And maybe it was sentimental and childish to feel so grateful, but Loki couldn't deny that the words made the tight little knot of fear in his chest that had been growing since his almost-fall loosen just a little.
"Do you trust me?" Thor asked in turn.
And Loki suddenly couldn't blame Thor for his earlier hesitation, because he felt himself tense at the words, at everything they could potentially mean. Trust was not something he easily offered. It never was, and likely never would be, because trust made you vulnerable to exactly the sort of attacks he specialized in. Loki knew, better than most, just how easy trust could be turned against the one offering it.
But maybe it was okay that he felt that hesitation. Because Loki found that he still knew the answer, and meant it when he said, "More than anyone. What I'm thinking of trying is just…a way for us to find out the truth. To understand."
Thor could have no idea what Loki was intending, and maybe it was better that way. Loki knew that, if he thought too hard about what he was about to do, he would back away and say whatever he had to in order to bury this matter once more. This was an ultimately impossibly reckless and overemotional thing to do. Thor really was rubbing off on him.
Thor, in turn, could have no idea what course of action Loki was considering, but he answered anyway: "That is all that I have ever wanted between us."
"I know." Loki couldn't help but smile, feeling something warm in his chest as he remembered something Thor had said to him a long time ago. Then perhaps blood is the start. But it is not the finish. It had taken a long time, and it was not offered unreservedly. But he did trust Thor, to mean well and mean what he said if nothing else. "You said we had a few hours left? Then just…close your eyes. And wait for me."
He closed his eyes as well, leaning back properly against the door. And then Loki reached out, through the ancient door between them, reached out with his mind to seek and touch and find the familiar mind of his brother.
This was something he had known how to do for a very long time, and had resolved once he had learned it to never use it again. Of course, fate was rarely so accommodating. The Other hadn't given him much of a choice in the matter, and had only reminded him why it was a power even he shied from. Frigga had sought him out in the dark of the Void, and found him, even though he'd only wound up shoving her away all over again. To look into another's mind and see their memories, communicate with them without cumbersome, ineffective words to get in the way of ideas and intentions, was a powerful thing indeed. But finding a way into someone else's mind was to give them a way into your own, and the same, unobstructed view of who and what you were.
To have his soul bared like that was a position of intense vulnerability and utter honesty that he had only ever offered to two people before – mother, who had taught him this magic long ago, and the Other, who had given him no choice. He offered it now to Thor, when he found the familiar warm presence of his older brother on the other side of the door, and found the familiar mind waiting for him.
He felt Thor flinch back in surprise at the contact, but Loki held on tightly to him, soothing the warrior's shock at the sensation of mind meeting mind. No, don't be afraid, he thought, and like this, in the moment before contact was accepted and established, it was a thought communicated in sensations and memories. The gardens where they'd played as children, the moment of perfect synergy and courage that was fighting back-to-back. I only want to show you. I only want to see. What you remember. What I remember. Will you let me? I'll make certain you're not lost.
He felt Thor hesitate, his mind a confused, uncertain whirl. But just as Loki was about to pull away, Thor seemed to get a handle on how this was supposed to go. I will allow you, he thought, and Loki saw all the many times his brother had invited him along on his quests with his friends, and that moment on the tower long ago when Thor had, knowingly or not, opened himself up for a stab. Please show me.
Hold on to me. Blood-slicked fingers trying to force the life back into Thor as his brother slipped away. Being pulled into Thor's arms when it felt like the world was about to fly apart, and finding a steady point to steer by.
A world…a different world…came into focus around them. In fact, it was two different worlds, one on one side, and one on the other, both joined together by the Bifrost.
Thor understood. Even if he'd never done this before, a fact that Loki was profoundly grateful for, he seemed to understand what had to happen. He went one way, and Loki went the other. Even as their hands parted, the hold remained, a tether to their own memories and a watchful eye on the other.
