The walk home was long, but it needed to be. The fresh air was clearing his head. It was make or break tonight. Their relationship couldn't take much more of this. Roy had to either accept Ed's decision or finally convince him to leave the military. There was no doubt that if Roy accepted Ed's decision their relationship would dissolve in the near future as Ed continued to tear himself apart. Then what would happen to Ed? Would he manage okay by himself? Especially with Al so far away at this point and time?
Ever wonder about what he's doing? Havoc had asked him that as they left the bar. Roy has asked him what he meant. Havoc responding with asking if he ever wondered about what Ed was doing while Roy was out drinking. Was he just tearing himself down further? Was he coming to a decision or a breaking point all by himself?
Roy knew that Ed worked on his theories while Roy was out drinking. However, he never thought about what had been going on in Ed's mind while Roy was gone. What if he had reached his breaking point and Roy wasn't there? That scared Roy more then he cared to admit out loud.
It was a relief to arrive home and see the lights were still on. This meant Ed was probably up and this conversation didn't have to wait any longer than necessary. The idea of putting it off just raised Roy's anxiety levels about the whole situation. Roy tried the door and found it open. He steeled himself for a moment before opening the door. He had kind of expected Ed to be sitting on the steps, but the space was empty.
Quietly, in case Ed was asleep, Roy started to search the house. It was oddly similar to the night Roy had come home and Ed had been gone. His heart plunged into his stomach at the thought. It was a relief to find Ed in the dining room at the big table that they never really used. Normally, they used the small one in the kitchen unless they had company. Sometimes Ed did use the table for his research due to the large table space, but it was oddly empty. Though the waste basket Ed had brought down from the study wasn't. Crumbled balls of paper had filled and was now overflowing, especially when Ed just added another one to it before sighed loudly.
"Edward?" Roy asked quietly. "What are you doing, love?"
Ed turned suddenly, obviously not having heard Roy coming in, looking surprised.
"You're home?" Ed asked and suddenly looked at the clock. "Fuck."
"Was I not meant to come home?" Roy asked with a slight frown.
"I just lost track of time," Ed whipped his face with his hands.
"Edward," Roy said softly as he took Ed's hand a seat next to him. "We need to talk, love."
"I know," Ed hung his head so his bangles covered his face.
"I'm so worried about you," Roy admitted. "All the time. Whether you're here or on a mission. It's clear you're not okay, even when you say you are."
"I just…" Ed started before he stopped and tried again. "I didn't mean for this to happen. For it to get like this. All the fighting and shit. I just wanted to help them. I thought I could do some good… I don't know how it all turned to lies…"
"Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why," Roy gave Ed's hands a squeeze. "I believe that you just wanted everything to be okay so you would tell me you were okay. And for a long time I believed you. Funny how the heart can be deceiving more than just a couple times."
"I love you," Ed whispered. "You know that right? That was never a lie. I promise. But why does this feel so wrong? Why do we fall in love so easy? Even when it's not right?"
"What do you mean it's not right?" Roy panicked.
It couldn't be over yet. They were talking. They were going to make this right.
"I love you," Roy gently tilted Ed's head up to reveal tears in his eyes.
"I'm ruining everything," Ed sobbed quietly. "Don't you ever worry that it might be ruined?"
"Oh, Ed." Roy pulled Ed into his embrace. "Have you been sitting here trying to write a goodbye letter or something? Please don't tell me that you're giving up."
It hurt so much to think that Ed might have just put a letter on the table and left.
"No," Ed shook his head and pushed them apart slightly to look Roy in the eye. "I was trying to write my resignation."
"Your what?" Roy was stunned. "Is that what all these are? What made you change your mind?"
"I don't want to lose you," Ed sniffed. "I don't want to give up on what I'm doing, but you're more important than that. I know it hasn't seemed like I think that lately. I've been so shitty to you."
"And does it make you wanna cry?" Roy asked as he took Ed's face in his hands to wipe away the tears. "You've been pushing yourself so hard, Ed. Even the people in my office can see you're getting worn down by it all. Don't you see that when you're out there doing what you're doing? I often wonder how are you just getting by?"
"What about you?" Ed turned it back to Roy. "When I'm out there doing what I'm doing or I'm here yelling at you for stupidest shit? Tell are you just getting by?"
"By?" Roy sighed. "No. I'm not getting by. You hurt me when you do this to yourself. Then I hurt you when I say something stupid back or leave. I can't believe how many times I left. I can't even begin to imagine how much being alone wouldn't have helped. Especially when you were so consumed with your guilt for something that was never your fault."
"I never even got the chance to try and save her," Ed closed his eyes. "Then I just keep fucking it up when I try to save someone else."
"Then don't," Roy caressed Ed's face gently before tucking a bangle behind his ear. "Save yourself. Help me save us."
"But I've been hurting you," Ed tried to look away, but Roy wouldn't let him.
"Where there is desire," Roy said gently. "There is gonna be a flame. Where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned. But just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die."
Roy gently placed a kiss on Ed's forehead before pulling close again.
"We always knew we would fight," Roy explained. "That was no surprise, but the fact you're trying to make things right means this isn't going to die. Not today anyway."
"I don't know what I would do if I lost you," Ed tightened his hold on Roy. "I had to get up and try, and try, and try. I don't think I would last long if I lost you. You've been so great putting up with all my stupid moods."
"You're moods aren't stupid," Roy sighed. "Frustrating, hurtful and harmful, but never stupid. I don't blame you for pushing yourself so hard; I had to reach you before you went somewhere I couldn't follow. I just had to get up and try, and try, and try. We can make this work. I'll help you find something you want to do, even if it means you want to travel or something. I would miss you like hell but…"
"We've just gotta get up and try," Ed finished for him. "And try, and try. We're too stubborn after all."
"Way too stubborn," Roy agreed. "But that's why we can make this work."
"I love you," Ed said. "I'm so sorry for being a shit. I'm so tired of feeling like shit."
"You once gave me all of you," Roy reminded him. "I take the good with the bad because I love you too. Just like you put up with me being idiot too. We'll work it out."
Roy didn't know how long they sat there for, but when they did eventually move up to the bedroom they held each other. It took so long for them both to fall asleep. Their relationship was worn and tattered, but it could be fixed. It would be fixed. They just had to try.
