A/N: Hey all, here's the second installment...and for the record it should have been "Just add water" however, S and D are scarily close together...it should have been a typo, but since you all seem to love it so much, we decided to leave it alone since we both think it's a fitting description, even if it isn't supposed to say that...besides, I'm sure Shizuru would agree that the stuff just isn't as good as freshly homemade anyway...but yeah...typo, typo typo...we'll have to be a bit more careful with that from now on...fitting though it was.
Edge of loneliness, part 2
"These damn things are driving me nuts." Natsuki ranted pointing at her stitches as she continued arguing with her current companion. "It'll only take a second."
"Really Natsuki, you should just go in and get it done properly." Shizuru sighed as she watched Natsuki fiddling with a very sharp, yet thin pair of scissors.
"I'm not going back in there...not when I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself." Natsuki said, her retort harsh only because of the fact that she was squinting while gazing into the mirror, trying her best to figure out how to cut her stitches out. "I really hate those types of sterile environments...plus they poke at you every hour on the hour. It's just stupid."
"Oh for heaven's sake." Shizuru couldn't take it anymore. "You're making me nervous. At least let me do it for you." Natsuki looked questioningly at Shizuru's outstretched hand before nodding, giving her the sharp, offending object. "Sit down, so I can get a better look at you." Natsuki plunked down the toilet seat cover, sitting there as Shizuru gently cupped Natsuki's chin, pondering for a moment if this really was a good idea. "Don't move." She'd murmured then, while carefully cutting the first stitch.
Natsuki's cheek's flared, heating under the touch of cool fingertips as Shizuru inched closer to her, trying to get a better look. They were so close that one wrong move, and she'd easy be able to run her own hand across Shizuru's thigh. The woman's skirt was a tightly fitting one, with a high cut that ended several inches above her knee. Natsuki didn't dare move though, as the last three stitches were cut and plucked out, leaving only the faintest trickle of blood from where they'd been. "You're good at this type of thing aren't you?"
"Yes..." Shizuru felt parched. "Well, I suppose that comes along due to circumstance more than anything else." She cleared her throat then, washing her hands in the sink as Natsuki held some gauze to her forehead. "When you have a child, they tend to get hurt, and you realize that sometimes it's pointless to fight every battle, so, when you can, I guess you just learn a lot of things on the fly like that. Mostly because you have no other choice." From the mirror she could see the look she was being given, amusement twinkling in emerald orbs. "Most people think I come by things naturally, but really, there's a lot of times I do it because of pure willpower alone. Times like now."
"Woman of all trades." Natsuki shrugged then standing up. "I guess that makes sense." Things were starting to scab over, thankfully, and so she tossed her gauze in the basket. "How is the brat doing anyway?"
"She misses you, she's been chattering away at Reito ever since she's had the opportunity." Although, it was a quandary Shizuru didn't have an answer for. "Alyssa isn't normally so interested in others. It's actually quite rare when you come to think about it." Yet, that's what had happened, hadn't it? Shizuru felt a pang at that, unsure why Natsuki seemed to have become the center of the very world. "Still, she insists on meeting with you again."
"You guys can come to the picnic on Saturday if you want." It had slipped from her lips so casually, that Natsuki didn't even have a chance to stop the thought. "Nao...the idiot you met the one day up at the hospital, she'll be there...Mai's cooking everything before hand, and I think she may bring Takumi along, but it depends on how he's feeling."
"I'm sure you wouldn't want us there. We simply wouldn't fit in." Shizuru followed Natsuki out into the back yard, where the patio was covered in leaves that hadn't been swept up yet. On the table were Natsuki's school books, all strewn around and mangled. It was a mystery how anyone could study from them, given their condition.
"Don't worry about that so much." Natsuki nodded her head to the building behind her house, an old school that was no longer in use. It was now a board office, and also the appointed summer school building, but the field was large and the playground was also kept up well. "We're going to be back there, so everyone's gonna meet up here, and then we're going to hop the fence...or, well, in your case, I guess you could use the gate."
"What time will you be there?" Shizuru finally agreed.
"After retests, so probably sometime in the afternoon. Nao flunked out on three of them, and I missed the exam days completely." Hence why the books were open in haphazard order. "You could totally just crash here for the day though, I'll be coming right back from tests, so you guys could just hang out here, if you've got nothing else planed. I've got all the movies back from when I was little still in the case in the corner, and a bunch of video games in the chest I use as a coffee table." Still as she closed the ones nearest her, putting them off to the side, she couldn't help but wonder. "What is it?"
"You haven't gone back to school yet, have you?" The worry in her voice seemed deeply laced. Shizuru had been doing that, and it had become routine within only a few days. Natsuki, she'd come to expect it and this new visitor that was slowly becoming a natural part of the things simply were. "You stay home every day, and I just thought that it might be lonely."
"Taking care of this house, it's a lot of work." Natsuki was content not going to listen to the tripe at school. "The teachers really don't like me around, they say I'm a disruption. Honestly, between you and I, I don't want to be there anyway. So, as long as I keep my grades up, and understand the work, they sort of overlook my attendance record...some teachers are assholes about it, but others, they just sort of pity me, and don't say anything. Either way, I'd rather be here. I can do my assignments in my own good time, and then do whatever I want." Though that wasn't entirely true. "Most of the time, I'm doing chores around here...like sooner or later, the grass will need to be cut again, and I'll have to sweep these leaves up before they rot. Stuff like that, it keeps me busy, so it actually is easier to do my work from home."
"I guess that makes sense." That was all she could say. This girl was taking on so much, all the time, and that pained Shizuru greatly. "So, then, what would you like for lunch today?"
"You don't have to cook for me every single day, you know." Natsuki chuckled, going into the house for a minuet and pulling out a wad of menus. "I'll buy today, so just...figure out what you want..some places don't open for lunch yet, but if we wait on them, we'll have more options. The best part is, they deliver."
...
(Shizuru POV)
I spent my entire week like that with Natsuki. From the first day I took her home, and then, the days after the fact, I found out many things about her. She's a hard worker, for one...very diligent, although, she does get annoyed easily if she happens to get interrupted in the middle of one of her tasks. She studies more than people realize, and believe it or not, there are some university level books that sit on her shelf in the main room...Natsuki...well, let's just say she's ahead of her time in that way.
She may not look like it, but, actually when she puts her mind into something, she becomes meticulous.
I came to find out, through small bursts of our conversations, that her mother not only left her the house, but a rather large sum of money, enough of which, that it allows her to live quite comfortably. She also gets a check from her father, or as she calls it, "Shut up money." He's been doing that for a long time. Giving her money to keep quiet about the fact that she's lived without a guardian for so long. Natsuki says she doesn't mind, and I can tell, in her own ways, she'd been lucky enough to find monumental support from many people. Although, I can also tell she resents him for not being here, she doesn't say it, but her eyes always harden when she talks about him.
She gets this cold stare, and looks off, probably glaring at his memory...still, as much as I hate the fact that he hasn't been here, Natsuki's made due well, and has had many to thank for that.
Mai's father sends over some cooked meals often, so at least she's not eating instant food all the time...he's not the only person either. There's an elderly woman a few houses down that's retired, and in Natsuki's younger years, the woman had done well to look after Natsuki, especially the first few years after her mother's passing. Now, apparently, the table has turned. There are times when Natsuki leaves the house during the day to check up on this woman, and make sure she doesn't need anything. She goes to the store for basic things, and the one time I went with her, she actually had two lists, one for herself, and one for the old woman.
Natsuki's kindness knows no bounds, I feel that within my heart.
She won't admit it though, and actually, she gets quite upset when I mention it. I've learned to keep quiet because of this...there are just some things she takes a bit too personally when I tease her about it. Things like the elderly woman, and in some cases, the relationship she has with the carrot top named Mai. They have a very obscure way of interacting, and although they both deny it, there was a short while there when I thought they were dating. Everything added up, and I guess, I simply did the math the wrong way.
Now I know they're simply friends, but it took quite a bit of convincing on Natsuki's behalf to get me to realize it. Through the week, she kept insisting that I was welcome to join her friends just to prove to me this fact, and Mai, having barged into Natsuki's house with a pot full of stew, also made the same argument. It was with reluctance that I agreed...I felt as if my heart was being pulled at, in several directions at once, and I couldn't help but feel like I was making a questionable choice at the time.
Every moment I spent with Natsuki, I felt myself growing feelings that weren't exactly innocent.
If she knew it or not, I felt elated by her casual responses. She took even my teasing, which admittedly I'd done at great lengths, in stride. Although I've begun to realize pulling back a bit is likely for the best. There were times when we'd sit and talk out on the veranda, and she would insist she was able to study and talk at the same time. I didn't quite believe it, considering how easily can can lose concentration, but I found it endearing anyway. Even the requests for me to text her when I got home safely, or the way she insisted that she buy lunch...purely because it was the least she could do for my company...things like that came easily for her...but sometimes, I wondered if she had any idea what she was doing.
That she was making me fall for her...that her actions seemed a bit more romantic than she had perhaps intended.
Either way, I complied with the request to bring Alyssa on Saturday afternoon, however, by the time I'd arrived to Natsuki's house, everyone was already there. I wanted to just stop and watch the antics, as I grasped into the wire fencing. The gate was already open, but I'm sure that only Mai and Takumi had taken that route. Nao was walking across the school roof, and how she got up there, I've no idea. Thankfully, Mai was already shouting at her to get down, and Natsuki was laughing at the fact that Nao didn't much seem to care what Mai thought.
I would have been content to just watch the event play out, but Alyssa had other plans as she ran headlong into the field.
She smiled at Natsuki, running at her with her arms wide open. Natsuki, true to form, and her basic nature, just ran her fingers through Alyssa's blond hair, taking a step backwards when they collided. "How are ya, brat?" She said, as her emerald eyes twinkled in amusement. As I stood there watching the exchange...I...I felt as if for the first time, everything would be alright. It was breathtaking, I couldn't swallow the lump in my throat as I watched the two of them horsing around, Alyssa perched on her back as they sprinted out into the field.
This was perfect, in so many ways...
"Well, fuck you too, asshole!" Well alright, perhaps it's not completely perfect...Natsuki can be a bit colorful at times, you see...especially when she's fighting with Nao.
"I really wish you would watch your words." I shout, although I doubt they're paying a bit of attention.
Still, as crass as it is at times, and it is very colorful on occasion, there's a protectiveness there. Among all of them really. Nao's mother is in the hospital, and the only reason I know that, is because she goes up there every day for a few hours, waiting for her to wake up. Natsuki doesn't think the woman ever will, but Nao...she won't give up that faint hope. Natsuki apparently stopped trying to force Nao to let go of things a long time ago.
"Hey, not my fault you can't catch a ball. You tell her squirt, she listens to you..." Nao's a bit...well, venomous at times. "Or perhaps, I should get your woman to do it...she seems to know how to shut you up."
"If you keep that up, I swear to god, I'll shove that damned football up your ass." And, now they're brawling...somebody's going to get hurt..and it will likely be Natsuki...she hasn't fully recovered. "Plus, she ain't 'my woman'. Show some respect, idiot. The kid is right there." Not that I would personally call Natsuki's treatment of others respectful, least of all with Nao around...but, I guess no one can ever truly be perfect. As Natsuki looks over at me, I can tell she's a bit flustered by Nao's off colored comments. "Ah, shit...Shizuru can hear you!"
With all of that shouting, of course I can hear, but Natsuki's probably embarrassed, so much so, to actually acknowledge anything. It's nice to see her in those ways. Flustered by the mere implication that she may care for someone. She is right though, whatever this is going on between us, so far, it's been strictly platonic.
I can tell that there's something more hidden in her eyes. Behind the anger, and subsequently, the embarrassment, there's a bit of happiness. Even after she hits Nao square in the face with the ball, having kicked it hard enough to do so, I can see there's a joy cradled someplace between them. I don't quite understand this type of behavior, I most assuredly wouldn't do such things to my friends after all. Still, the much more peaceful friend, a quiet carrot top, and her younger brother...Natsuki treats them differently too.
She trusts Mai like a sister, so much so, Mai has a level of free reign in the house. There have been times when it's been hard on Mai. Her little brother has ongoing heart problems, and Natsuki has offered her home many a night, especially when Mai's found that staying at home to be simply impossible to handle. Mai has a key to the front door, and even the passwords to Natsuki's computer. Natsuki's always fighting with Mai too, but she's nicer about it, and doesn't call the busty girl names. Natsuki tends to refrain from hitting her, although, there are times I've seen them slam doors at each other...it's quite interesting really.
As for Takumi...well, I guess I see a maternal side in there some place, although, I'm not quite sure what to make of it.
She ruffles his hair the same way that she ruffles Alyssa's...although, she's a bit more rough with him...and between her and Nao, I wonder how this poor boy can be so gentle and soft spoken...the way they treat him doesn't appear to ever be anything of the sort. He's always being tackled, or thrown around...it's playfully done, always, and in good fun, he seems to enjoy it...and I can tell those girls don't actually intend to hurt him.
"Natsuki, be careful!" Mai she's the soft one, she brings the order where there clearly isn't any. She's able to control the ruckus to some extent. "Takumi just had his stint put in, don't go getting him hurt, or my dad will murder all of us."
"We're not hurting him." Natsuki rolled her eyes. "We're just playing around...chill out."
"You're dad's gonna baby him, and then he won't grow into a real man." Nao honestly doesn't know when to quit. "Come on Squirt, you go tackle him too, so him you're tougher than he is, so that he'll man up." I can also see she'll take great joy in corrupting my daughter if I let her...my word, this is all a bit overwhelming.
Yes...on this wonderful afternoon, a picnic day between them all, I realize just how precious this group of people can be, especially for someone like Natsuki. Perhaps, in its own way, this is exactly what Alyssa needs...what Reito has that I do not. A happy place, a safe place, where our daughter can be care free...I can't give her that right now, and Natsuki's making that truth all the more apparent. On this day, when cold juice is poured freely, some of it actually poured onto Natsuki's head, or splashed in Nao's face...I realize how lacking my life is in that respect.
Random, spontaneous fun, it is indeed a gift so great, I can't exactly find the words to say how thankful I am. To have been given the chance to witness it...well, it is beyond compare. Still, even after the afternoon begins to come to a end, I see those gentle eyes glimmering with something she dare not tell anyone. I red sun cloaks the sky in hues that call for night, and that normally means people end up leaving. Mai and Takumi head off first, jogging back home, they live nearby, but their father worries about them.
Nao eventually meanders off too, but leaves only after darkness begins to settle over the playground.
It was then, when we were alone, that Natsuki surprised me with protective care I didn't realize she had in her...again, I see that side of her that tells me if kindled properly, she would become a great parent. Alyssa's eyes were already fighting sleep, her bedtime, that I normally keep strict forgotten. It's a weekend, and Reito, he's extremely relaxed about that type of thing. He'll probably laugh when she tells him she was outside so late, where I live, that just isn't possible. I don't have the luxuries of letting her stay out, and even if I did, there isn't a safe place to do so.
Natsuki probably can't see the smile on my face, she likely hasn't looked for the subtleties of my reactions. However, who wouldn't be able to smile at such soft emerald eyes, as she gazes down at someone who's only had such a look from me? Not even Reito looks at her that way...
I can see it in her eyes. A wish to protect such a person. A vow to do so. Her desires are filled with only grief, I know that. Her reasons, they aren't just because of generosity. That becomes even more clear as Natsuki begins to carry Alyssa up the steps of the veranda. "It's dangerous." She said softly. "Going down town at this time of night is asking for trouble. I'd rather you both stay here, at least until morning." She's right about that. This safe bubble has made me forget that my own home isn't any place Alyssa belongs, even if it has been her home ever since she can remember.
Once again, likely without meaning to, Natsuki affirms her status in my life, someone who is not only important, but quietly insists on becoming more.
I don't think she herself, truly understands that her actions are leading me into such a deeply seeded belief. It comes by her nature easily, although, my hammering heart is begging me to do something I know better than to try. Still, I accept her offer, and this time it's not only for her sake. It's for mine too, and my all consuming thoughts of this girl, this young woman, tell me that I need her.
And, though she does not say it, I can see it in her eyes...she needs me too.
…
"I think Nao and I tuckered Brat out." Another tiny subtly Shizuru had picked up on today. 'The brat' had ebbed into 'brat' no longer just a title outwardly. Considering Natsuki's other pet names, such as the vulgarities she called Nao, the change was good, more endearing than before. As she turned on the television, putting it on one of the children networks that ran all hours of the day and night, she nodded her head towards the kitchen, only leaving the room after covering Alyssa with a blanket that had been resting over the back of the sofa. "I didn't want to wig her out, if she woke up while we were awake." Natsuki's soft voice wafted along easily, her drone kind and gentle.
"She's becoming fond of you." Shizuru said then as she watched Natsuki put water in the microwave. "I sometimes wonder if she's getting the wrong impression."
"I dunno." Natsuki shrugged, as she put a teabag into the steaming water, handing it to Shizuru. Watching as their fingers touched, even if only briefly, she quickly averted her stare. The casual moment seemed something far deeper, and Natsuki's longing didn't stay masked for very long. "Although, if she ended up getting it from Nao, I'll kill that pain in the ass." As she said it, her words were filled with it. The love she had for her friends, it didn't seem to have an end. "I didn't do anything, did I?" That same tone was beginning to be used for Alyssa as well.
"I don't believe you intended on it." The hints hadn't gotten past Shizuru, but she felt lost.
"Honestly, I hadn't." Natsuki nodded, as Shizuru took a sit of their tea. "She's a good kid though, really. Is it a big deal?"
Shizuru sighed. She'd been wondering that same question. Shizuru knew, in part, Alyssa's attachment was totally and completely no fault of anyone. Still, she let the barest hint of her concern show. "Her father and I, we're the same age...but his partner, Tate, he's quite a bit younger. Early twenties, I believe, and they've been together now for several years. Reito met him one afternoon through a mutual friend of theirs. Tate, he managed to capture her attention the same way, once he began to show himself in her life. Once that happened, her fondness for him became like glue, and she's starting to treat you in the same manner."
"If that's what she wants." Natsuki carelessly shrugged. "It honestly doesn't bother me any."
"Even if it implies other things?" Shizuru asked then. The question was one that worried her, and a slight fear dug itself into her heart. She'd never really gotten a clear answer from Natsuki about her sexuality. She didn't exactly come off as the straightest girl in the world, but, she wasn't clearly gay either.
"What would it imply?" Natsuki's brows furrowed as she took a sip from her soda, and then her eyes widened when the reality hit her. "Oh." The word fell like a weight from her mouth, and she sighed, as if it had never occurred to her before. "So, she thinks we're..." Pointing a finger between the two of them ended the statement with solidarity, the question lingering.
"Right now, I don't believe that's the case." Shizuru didn't know how this would pan out though, continuing down this line. "However, if given time, it may become the case. The other problem is, she's only a child, and I think we both know well what might happen if something she thought would be there, suddenly disappears on her."
"I won't disappear then." Her words were a finality, although there was something else.
There was a shifting direction in the room, the air tense with it. "You're growing attached too." Shizuru said knowingly. "However, I've got to wonder just how close you want to get-"
"She could have lost you, ya know." Natsuki grumbled then, her eyes on the table as she twirled her thumbs. "Her dad's fine and she likes him, or so she says...but he isn't you. He can't take your place, no one can." As she threw the now empty bottle into the new trash bag, the one near the already full bags, she let her eyes meet Shizuru's. "Something I had to learn the hard way, is that you need other people. You do, because if you lose the only one you've got, you can't stay afloat...but that means you've gotta get close, and you may just get hurt doing it...but I've never gotten...not like that, anyway."
And just like that, the waters became murky...
They become even more so when Natsuki stood up and began putting away the dishes that were sitting on the drying rack from this morning. "It's fine, if she wants to get attached...I don't really mind." The realities were on the table, and as Shizuru stood up, she peered down at the lost look she was being given. Natsuki leaned back on the counter. It was a white knuckled grip, as if for the first time, she realized what she had been doing, and she looked as if allowing herself to do it was something horrible. "Listen, I don't want you to think that I'm leading you on, or anything."
And within the moment, Shizuru cleared the distance, her knowing eyes filled with understanding, and she leaned over the younger woman. Natsuki looked to be a deer caught in headlights, and her breath hitched. They were so close, and yet, the unspoken answer was already in the air. "I feel something for you." Shizuru said then, keeping it ambiguous for Natsuki's sake. "There's a connection there, and I know you feel the same way." Still, acting on such a feeling, it was both troublesome, and yet consuming. "But what are your intentions, what do you want me to be for you?"
"I could ask you the same thing." Natsuki's voice wavered between strength and uncertainty.
"Natsuki..." Shizuru said gently. "You're shaking."
"I've never..." She licked her lips. "I've never had to talk about this." Nao made jokes about it all the time, but even if it sounded harsh, it was all in good fun. Natsuki knew she had a shell, and she kept it tightly closed around herself, friends the nearest she'd ever gotten to anyone. Shizuru managed to shatter that by simply being around, and Natsuki's longing had caused this. It was that same wish that sparked fear within her, unknowing that she'd been seen through so easily, and now that it was out, she'd had no idea how to handle it. "Everyone just sort of knew, but even then..." Natsuki's voice trailed off, she didn't know what to say.
"Does it scare you?" This was uncharted territory, Shizuru could tell that easily enough. She was unsure however, just what the underlying issue was. "Or possibly because I'm female?" If it was only a case of Natsuki's sexuality, a breath of fresh are would easily fill into her lungs, but something told her that wasn't the case. It was something else too, something that added to the fear.
"I don't know enough about it to be scared." Natsuki sighed out a shaky breath, that much was at least the truth. "But, that's the problem...I've never...not with anyone. So, the fact that you like me, it's a bit much."
"Is that because I'm so much older than you, or is it because I'm more experienced?" She was a devastatingly beautiful woman, she knew that, and she took a level of pride that she was so often told something along those lines, many times without the words. Natsuki's eyes had even spoken such a thing in a sideways glance once or twice, when she thought she wasn't going to get caught. Shizuru never said anything about it, but she knew that was because the young woman was skittish in the first place. At first, she thought Natsuki's age played apart in it...but she wasn't brazen, not like a few of the young upstarts she'd come across down town.
Natsuki's curiosity was genuine...her interest in looking out for the safety of others had been real.
Even now, as her eyes traced Shizuru's form in question, and her hands shook as they grasped the counter top, panting breaths fell from her lips in heavy waves...Shizuru knew Natsuki's mind wasn't just in the gutter, though she was sure many of Natsuki's fears took residence in such a place as well. Still it wasn't the main hurdle. It would never be the main all encompassing concern. When Natsuki's eyes drifted into the next room, Shizuru saw something mutual...the very reason they began to have this discussion in the first place. "All of the above." Natsuki said then, pausing as she took a breath. "And her too."
"I can be hurt." Shizuru said then, she'd felt the sting of heart break many times before after all. "I'm not getting any younger Natsuki, and although, in the grand scheme of things, it may look like I have all the time in the world, I know that I don't. I have to be careful, for her sake. I can't just bring a woman home to bed...Alyssa stays with me, she sees Reito often, but I'm the one she stays with most. Reito, he had the luxury to move on, and Tate's wonderful for him." Still, she had needs too, and they had been calling her now for quite some time. "I've always been lonely, to a point. There's been no one for me, because my daughter's been my main priority...but when I'd had her, I wasn't exactly ready to be a mother. I took on the role because I expected it of myself. It was only after she was born that I really began to feel like I had to protect her."
"You can't protect her forever." Natsuki said then. "Loss is something that needs to be taught early, I never learned about it until mom. If you keep protecting her, she may end up getting hurt more."
"You're the first outsider to really care about her." Shizuru said then, letting the truth hit home. "Reito and I, we have friends she spends time with, my parents adore her, but you're the first person that worries about her openly, and you do it with the type of compassion that I never expected from a stranger."
Natsuki understood that this wasn't to be taken halfheartedly. "You can get close to me." Natsuki said then, her words hardly heard.
"Can I really?" Shizuru said then, feeling relief flood through her. Still, she wanted to give Natsuki a chance to back out of whatever was going on between them.
The pregnant pause in the room seemed to go on forever, the ticking clock on the wall almost driving Shizuru mad as she watched Natsuki hesitate for not the first time. She was scowling at something unseen, as if it were an enemy, and Shizuru was thankful that at least it wasn't her. Natsuki's fingers tapped idly on the marbled surface, her teeth worrying her bottom lip, as if she hadn't quite grasped what she wanted to say. "If it's you." Natsuki began slowly. "I might be okay with it."
"Even if I want to be something more than you've ever known?" Her fingered traced Natsuki's jawline, placing forth a not so subtle implication between them. "Bluntly speaking, I'm attracted to you, sexually and otherwise."
…
(Natsuki POV)
Is it humanly possible to be scared out of your own mind, all the while wanting something you know flat out is a completely, totally, and superbly a bad idea...worse than a bad idea even?
Not only is this woman ten years older than me, she has an eight year old, who could quite literally be the most well behaved child I've ever met. That said, there is nothing good about what's cooking in this kitchen right about now, because it is most certainly not food...I've never been close to another woman before, never mind a woman who nearly has me pinned down like I'm some sort of prize to be had. What the hell is she thinking? Better yet, why the hell am I not trying to get away from her?
This...it's bad...really really bad.
"I know." I tell her, and with my heart hammering away like a drum, I realize just how damn guilty I feel. I know what she wants me to do, what she's waiting for but...okay, this is really freaking me out here. I could kiss her, probably a not so smart idea, considering then she will think there's something between us...but...that's not the truth, right? I mean, we're just friends. So there could be nothing really between- she's gay...I forgot about that...she's gay...I'm...well, I don't really think I actually have a type...but...dear god, she needs to back up a bit.
I knew she was gay, I knew it...but I just...
I'm going to quit while I'm ahead...much better idea. "I know you do, Shizuru...but this is just..." How can I say it? Letting her down gently isn't what I want...I don't want to tell her that I don't want to be with her...I don't want to hurt her...but that doesn't mean that I...fuck, Shizuru, you're making things so damn hard.
"How many?" That's all I can bring myself to ask...How many lovers has she had? How many of them has she taken to her bed...how many days has she thought about this? That stupid question digs me into a deeper hole here, and I know it, because she doesn't have those answers, there's no way she could. "Never mind...I don't want to know." I say quickly, so fast in fact, that I can see the worry in her eyes.
The unspoken question seems to fade as she lets her hand fall from my cheek. If she keeps standing there, waiting for me to figure things out, we'll be here all night, and I think she knows that, but I didn't expect her to just give up. To push me, I'd expect that...to implore an answer, pry one from my lips...even kissing me senseless...and even more than that...I would have expected that, I would have been able to react...but I've underestimated her...or rather, perhaps I overestimated her.
That hurts.
Not having her hand on my cheek hurts so badly, I kinda want to cry, and I think she sees that, because she's not moving. Why does it hurt like this? Why do I feel like something that I had, that was safe, is no longer safe, not warm anymore. It's cold, and I don't like this feeling...It hasn't hurt this badly since...I can't let her go. She can't leave...because if she does then...then it'll be dark and cold. She's starting to back away from me, and I know...I know that whatever I do, I can't just keep standing here. I have to do something, anything...but if I just stand here...then I'll lose her...
I can't lose her.
"Don't!"
…
Shizuru's breath caught as Natsuki grasped onto her hand, breathing heavily, the younger girl's eyes widening in both fear and acknowledgment. "I can't...do those things right now." Natsuki's voice was forced, and wavered upon each word. "I want to...but I can't." She swallowed hard, doing her best not to look away, yet even as she tried her best not to falter, she could feel her blood run cold, and the pang of what she was saying rang out into the open kitchen like a plea. "You can..." Natsuki said softly in a ragged breath, as she took the very hand that she had caught and placed it back upon her cheek. "You can...but I can't."
Shizuru closed her eyes and sighed, licking her lips. "Do you want that?" She asked, her chest feeling heavier by the second.
"I want you." Natsuki couldn't explain it any other way. "So whatever that means...just...I want you."
"This is so misguided." Shizuru said then, though she didn't dare remove her hand from the girl's cheek. "Natsuki do you realize what it is you're really asking for? There is a eight year old in the other room, and she's going to start seeing you as a continuous presence in her life, one that will become authority. Do you realize how much you may have to give up?"
"Do you realize that I've never done any of this?" Natsuki fired back, the fear very much still there. "The fact you've been hanging around me is jacked up as hell, but...you said it first...there's something here...and I just-" Natsuki didn't want to admit it, didn't dare try to explain what confused feelings were stirring around inside like a jumbled mess. "We passed misguided the day you brought me home, idiot." Natsuki sighed then, shaking her head.
"So then, I guess we have a decision to make here." Shizuru said then, pulling away from Natsuki, grabbing a chair to sit in, and looked at her, crossing one leg more in befuddled annoyance than anything else. "Do we pony up and go big, or do I go home?"
"I'm not going to have sex with you tonight." Natsuki groused, hiding her face in her hands.
"That's not what I mean, and you know it." Shizuru sighed then, before leaning forward a little bit. "Do you want to test the waters?"
"Hell if I know." Natsuki shrugged tensely. "Last I recalled we both fell off the damn boat about a week back, or did I miss something?"
Shizuru just shook her head. "Natsuki..." She said with a small little smile trying her best not to burst out laughing. "Just come here and kiss me already."
