So, it's been quite a while since I first published this one-shot and I told you that I might continue writing it, sooo...here I am.
There's actually only one thing to say: This chapter might be triggering, but I approached this subject carefully and used my psychological/medical knowledge and know what I'm writing about.
And now enjoy reading and tell me what you think!
It was already late when she found herself sitting in his car while they drove to her apartment.
He had insisted on coming with her, telling her that he didn't want her to be alone after this rough case that had triggered her so much.
And if she was being honest she was glad he was with her. Of course she would never admit that to anyone, but it was a good feeling after all.
She could also sense that something was on his mind throughout the whole drive and couldn't help but thinking that it was about the latest events.
When they finally arrived, Tony pulled into a parking lot in front of her apartment and pulled Ziva gently out of her thoughts and managed to make eye contact with her, since she had been staring out of the window for the past 20 minutes.
"Hey, let's get up to your apartment, ok?" Tony told her softly before getting out of the car.
Once Ziva had opened her door they both took off their coats and Ziva went straight to the couch while Tony went to the kitchen to prepare them some tea.
When he came back he found her sitting on the edge of the couch, staring into the air, seemingly lost in her thoughts again.
And it worried him. He had barely seen her this distraught and he also knew they needed to talk. He couldn't hide his concern from her any longer.
Tony sat down next to her quietly, placed the cups on the table in front of them and looked over at her intently, trying to understand what was going on inside of her.
"Does it happen a lot?" He finally asked a little insecure, knowing his question would cause an immediate reaction from her.
Ziva knew what he was referring to. When he found her earlier she knew he would eventually ask this question.
She took a shuddering breath and tried to compose herself before actually answering him.
He deserved to know the truth, especially since he had always had her back.
"Actually…yes. It started after we returned from Somalia." She looked down and fiddled with her fingers in a nervous manner.
Tony noticed how uncomfortable she felt and took her hands in his to calm her down a little, even though she was hesitant at first.
The next thing he noticed was the look of her fingers. Especially her ring and middle fingers. They looked slightly swollen and tiny scars were covering them.
"Why do you hurt yourself Ziva?" He whispered and she knew that it pained him to see her hands. To find out about the truth.
"I don't know Tony." She brought out, the tears already pooling in the corners of her eyes. "I guess it's my way of coping with the pain. My way of retaining control. I felt so weak, so helpless after all that happened in Somalia. At first it happened involuntarily, but after a few weeks…I started doing it on purpose. And now this is out of control as well."
Voicing her desperation caused the tears to finally stream down her face silently but steady.
Tony instinctively pulled her into a hug again, careful to not startle her too much, but enough to make her feel safe.
He still couldn't quite realize in how much pain she must've been to destroy her own body like this, even though he knew it was a possible side-effect of PTSD.
"Hey, don't feel guilty for this, ok? None of this was or is your fault, but Ziva, can you promise me one thing?"
Ziva looked up at him and nodded slightly before he continued speaking.
"Please try to stop throwing up. You don't need to do this anymore. I will be right here to help you get through this. But please talk to me instead of coping with the past like this, ok? Can you do this? For me and for yourself?"
It took her a moment to take in Tony's words but after taking another deep breath she finally answered him.
"I do not want this either Tony, believe me. But it's not that easy, you know? I'm afraid. But I will try it. I want to try it. I just don't want to be a burden."
Tony knew that some things about Ziva would never change. Like the constant fear of being a burden.
"Listen, you aren't a burden to anyone, ok? I told you I would be with you. I care about you Ziva, that's why I want to help you. I want you to be happy again. So, do we have a deal?"
By the end of his little speech he was smiling at her softly in order to lighten the mood.
Ziva on the other hand was overwhelmed by Tony's words and at the same time she felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.
"Yes." She finally replied, the small smile on her lips perfectly matching Tony's.
And Tony could settle on this answer for now.
Everything else would come in time.
And he was ready to fight.
For her.
