"Yo dead dumbfucks, mail's here!" Brittany yelled as she so rudely barged into the Cullen house without knocking. Brittany is the Cullen's neighbor and since the Cullen family likes to remain inconspicuous, she has all their fan mail delivered to her house, and she very kindly delivers it to them.

She looked at the first two letters and saw they were addressed to Edward. He was in the middle of making hot love to Bella, so Brittany immediately covered her eyes and screamed, "Oh for the love of all that's holy! I thought we were past this already! Mail's here, Mind Reader, you've been anxiously awaiting it. There's one for you Bella-tard too." Edward instantly sprung off Bella, realizing his fan mail was a little more important than her at the time, and grabbed the letters. "Ugh," Brittany snarled as she tossed him a pillow to cover his 'disco stick'. Edward anxiously tore open the first letter.

Dear Edward Cullen,

Do you know that I just saw you at Hogwarts? Why were you calling yourself

Cedric? Please give me a lengthy reply! I really want to know! Oh and by the

way, if do go to Hogwarts, can you give me Harry's number? Thanks.

-blinky48

After putting some pants on, Edward decided to reply to letter that he found quite odd…He started questioning Blinky48's sanity.

Dearest Blinky48,

I honestly have no clue what you're talking about. I think you must have me confused with someone else. I mean, I don't remember much of my human life. All I do remember was a school that I went to in London… hmm…I'm trying to recall my last human memories…Ah! I remember them somewhat now; I apologize if this is a little confusing to you, but my memories are still a little shaky you see. So as I was saying, this school in London… I think I remember it being named after a pig or something. Swinewarts…Oinkwarts...Ah yes Hogwarts! I belonged in a… group I guess you could say... called…what was it…Hufflepuff or something? Anyway, I remember entering this tournament, but the last thing I remember was me in a maze with some boy with strange glasses and a lightening scar on his head…And then I woke up, in Chicago in 1918 next to my 'father' Carlisle, and apparently I was a vampire after that. My deepest regrets, I do not remember anyone named Harry from my day, or their phone number.

Eternally yours,

Edward Cullen

Edward then proceeded to opening his next fanmail, while Bella was whimpering on the bed from Edward-withdraw-syndrome.

The next letter was like daggers through his un-beating heart.

Edward,

STALKER.

-Becca

Edward angrily replied, going through seven pens before he could actually control himself to not break one.

Dear Becca,

I beg your pardon?! I am most definitely NOT a stalker. I just want to make sure my love is safe, and not getting hurt at all. I mean, I can't keep her in a bubble all her life, goodness no, she'd hate me for that. So, I resorted to peeking in her window whilst she sleeps, following her home and spying on Charlie during dinner. And you have the nerve to call me a stalker? I'm not a very good tracker, but I will find you, young lady.

Eternally yours,

Edward Cullen

"Here, whoreface. At least SOMEONE cares about you," Brittany said as she carelessly tossed Bella her letter. Bella started crying, and Brittany sprinted out of the room before Edward could kill her. After an hour of crying and being comforted by Eddie-puss, Bella opened her letter, hoping that someone who ISN'T dead might love her.



Bella,

Are you touched in the head? Edward admits that he WATCHES. YOU. SLEEP. like

a stalker and you find it romantic? He's like santa the stalker! (he sees you

when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake)

Thank you, and remember, stalkers are creepy

-Becca

Bella again started to cry, seeing as how she wasn't loved.

Dear Becca,

Don't blame me! You know what Carlisle said; I have a lot of head contusions! I think it's nice that he watches me sleep. That way, vampires can't kill me, a certain werewolf can't rape me, and I feel loved when he does it! I mean, I have no personality, and I'm as plain-Jane as you can get, so if I have to get stalked to be loved, then SO BE IT!

Sincerely,

Isabella Swan-Cullen

Brittany made her way downstairs to see Alice sitting in Jasper's lap watching a movie. Awww! Brittany didn't really have anything against Alice or Jasper like she did Edward and Bella (because really, like Becca said to Edward, no one likes a creepy masochist stalker, and Bella is just too whiny) so she happily greeted the cute pair and sat down next to them to watch the movie. "Here Alice, you got a letter," she said handing the tiny Cullen her fan mail.

"Yay!" Alice squealed with joy and Jasper was instantly happy because of her happiness.

Alice,

All of my friends compare me to you for some reason, not sure why. (Says the

short hyper chick with a strong intuition)

-Becca

Dear Becca,

Well that's lovely! I'm glad I found someone who has something in common with me, especially when it comes to personality! Maybe we could go shopping sometime together! How fun would that be! I need some new people to shop with, because Bella hates it and shopping with Rosalie is like shopping with a kid in a candy story; always wanting more. Can't wait to hear from you again, which will be soon, according to the vision I had.

Xoxo,

Alice Cullen :]

Brittany decided to let the cute little love birds be and allowed them to finish their movie. With nothing better to do, she grabbed a few more letters and headed down to La Push. She was always welcome there, even if she constantly hung out with vampires. She was always joking around and laughing with Quil and Seth, so everyone down at the Quileute Reservation thought she was fun to hang out with. When she got there, she found mostly everyone gathered around the campfire.

"Hola pups!" she said as they all glared at their stupid nickname.

"Seth and Jacob, you guys have mail…surprise, surprise," she muttered the last part sarcastically, seeing as how those two were everyone's favorite. "Here you go," she said, handing them both the letters.

Seth tore at his like a little kid on Christmas and read it aloud.

Seth,

You're my favorite.

-Becca.

Seth did a stupid little happy dance, that looked remarkably similar to the 'Hokey Pokey' and the group groaned. Seth was always getting attention from the fans, and frankly, it was driving the pack insane. Brittany, however, thought it was cute, so she kept smiling at him and started dancing along with him. After settling down, Seth replied.

Becca,

Why thank you! It's not like a get that a lot or anything! Hehe. I'm glad you like me the best. Everyone here thinks I'm a stupid kid. So thanks for the love and support! Oh, I haven't imprinted yet…*wink wink* Haha. Oh gotta run, Paul's pissed that I ate his taco. Sorry about the scratch marks and tears in this letter!

Love,

Seth

Jacob then proceed to open his letter after Paul and Seth were out of site; probably fighting down at the beach. Whatever. Sam could deal with it, 'cause he wasn't in the mood.

Jacob,

I get that imprinting is 'true love' and that shit, but really, she had just

come out of her mom (which you've been having sexual fantasies of for roughly

2 years) 2 seconds before!

-Becca

Ughh. Jacob always hated answering these. He just glared at Brittany like it was her fault, but she merely shrugged, guessing what was in the letter that made him pissy.

Becca,

Do you have any idea how many times I get that freaking question? Jeez, sorry, it just kinda happened. It was involuntary, I guess. Looking back, I think that maybe that's why I was so attracted to Bella in the first place. I don't freaking know okay! I love Ness-er…Renesmee more than anything, but yes, the circumstances are weird, I'll give you that. Then again, this whole fucking town is weird! With shape shifters and blood-suckers making up a good chunk of the population!

From the sexy stud,

Jacob Black

Brittany rolled her eyes at the closing, and then got up to deliver the last letter, which the thought of it actually had her shaking in fear. How did she freaking get to be the official vampire messanger anyway? She didn't mind doing it for the Cullens, 'cause they were pretty chill people. The Pack was pretty nice too, and she loved the beach, so she didn't mind the extra trip down there either. But when other vampires heard of her service, they all wanted her to deliver their freaking mail! Lazy ass blood-sucking tards!

She got in her car and headed to a shady area outside Port Angeles and knocked three times on a run-down trailer park house.

"Brittany! What a pleasant surprise!" James said opening the door, with that annoying 'come-hither-so-I-can-eat-you' enthusiasm.

"You got mail fuckface." She mumbled.

James got angry for a split second then decided not to kill her, because she might be useful later if he has more fans.

"Didn't your mother ever teach you manners?" he said menacingly.

"Sorry, she must have skipped the 'how-to-talk-to-an-obnoxious-vampire' stage right after my potty training. My apologies." She snapped back and shoved the letter into his hands before he could REALLY hurt her.

Rolling his eyes, James slammed the door and opened his letter.

Dear James,

Who cares about Edward! I think you are totally cooler then he is! I wish you

had won! I really hope Victoria isnt standing next to you reading this...

*laughs nervously*

Rosalie-Hale-Culen (i cant say my real name)

Smiling his favorite evil smile, James decided to write back to this person, and not actually track them down and eat them.

Dear No real name (Rosalie-Hale-Culen),

Finally YES! Someone to acknowledge my greatness! I am ten times the vampire Edward will ever be! And I would have won too, if it weren't for that blonde, crazy-haired vampire who made me feel like I was in love with him! The nerve. Then that Alice girl snapped my head off, which was highly unfair. What did I ever do to them? Such a shame that I didn't get to taste Bella's blood, or Alice's when she was human for that matter. The only reason I am writing to you now, is because those dumb Cullens didn't burn all of my body, so it put itself back together, and here I am on the mend. Weak, but still alive, and I'm plotting my revenge. And my dearest Victoria is out hunting for me, since I am too weak to do it myself, so you're safe…For now.

Yours in blood,

James

Brittany finally returned back to Forks and walked right into the Cullen's house without knocking…again (they were pretty used to it by now) and as soon as she plopped down on the couch, she fell asleep, exhausted from delivering letters from all these crazy fans!

*************

So how do you think the first one went guys? Should I continue or no? Thanks to everyone who sent me your letters! They were really fun to do. Please review and leave letters in the reviews too! If you already wrote a letter, and you wish to reply to your reply (does that make any sense??) you may do so. Also, If you like Vampire Academy, check out my Adrian POV fanfic.

Thanks guys!

Xoxox Brittany aka Adrian'sLittleDhampir