Faith hadn't been sure if she'd wanted to dream about Buffy when she closed her eyes the past night. Giles had offered her the couch in his apartment until she could find a place to call home, and Faith was genuinely grateful to him. Giles was that rare authority figure who allowed his charges to find themselves rather than forcing their way. He'd been that way before, and so far he still was.
It was also painfully clear that Giles was still mourning Buffy, but he was putting up a strong front for Faith's sake. Probably for the other Scoobies' sake as well, and most likely for his own sake. It was also damned good of him to give Faith even a speck of respect and decency after all she'd done. Granted, she'd never come after Giles directly, but she had gone after Buffy, and Faith got the distinct impression that Giles had neither forgotten nor forgiven her for her past misdeeds.
He was, however, giving her a place to stay and food to eat, and while he'd told her that Angel had convinced him to give Faith a second chance, she wasn't sure she believed it, but it was nice of him to say it, either way.
So once they'd gotten back, Giles had spent the day recounting the story of how Buffy had died, but he was leaving some stuff out. Faith wasn't quite sure what he wasn't telling her, but it was either about the hell-bitch, Glory, or about Dawn. The two were connected, Giles's story had made that clear, but how they were connected was anything but clear, and if Giles wasn't willing to share, then Faith doubted that any of the others would be so kind.
When told about Buffy's epitaph, Faith smiled, and she cursed herself for feeling even a little bit happy. 'She Saved The World A Lot.' That was Buffy's job, and Faith had only heard stories about all of those exploits. As fitting as the epitaph was, Faith also felt that it missed a lot of what B was all about. Sure, she saved the world, but she did it for the right reasons, and that counted for more in Faith's book.
And so, when she turned in, Faith wasn't sure that she wanted to dream about Buffy. On the one hand, Buffy was the ideal to aspire towards, and Faith wanted to be able to see that again. On the other hand, Buffy's greatness was a painful reminder of Faith's own failings. Would it be worth it to see B's face again if the only thing she saw was righteous fury?
Faith didn't know, and she was relieved that when she woke up, she hadn't dreamed one bit. Something smelled good, and standing up, she saw Giles preparing some sausage and scrambled eggs. It was a lot of sausage and eggs, so it was probably for her, but Faith didn't want to be hasty and get herself kicked out.
After a few minutes, Giles set down the plate full of food. "For you, Faith."
"Thanks, Giles." Faith tried not to eat too quickly, but after fourteen months of prison food, real food was a shock to her senses, and she soon found herself wolfing down her meal as if it would suddenly disappear.
Once she was done, she downed a glass of orange juice, then let her stomach settle for a bit. "So, um… I guess I should probably do a quick run around the 'dale, refresh my memory before night falls. And, uh, I don't wanna be an ass, but could you spare a few bucks?"
"That depends," Giles said as he took Faith's plate to rinse in the sink. "What do you need the money for?"
"Flowers." Faith tried not to laugh at herself for the stupid sentimental gesture she had dedicated herself to. "For Buffy."
Giles had been about to put a plate in the dishwasher, but he stopped for a moment, then finished placing the plate to be washed and stood and turned to look at Faith. "Why?"
Faith's eyebrows raised as she realized that Giles was challenging her. "Whadaya mean, 'why'? B's dead!"
"Yes, I'm quite aware of that. Thank you, Faith. Let me be more clear. Why do you want to put flowers on Buffy's… On her grave?"
Faith knew exactly why, though she had never spoken the reason aloud. And the only times she ever even acknowledged this truth was in her moments of deepest privacy. She wasn't sure she understood it, so she definitely didn't think anyone else could believe her if she dared to voice it aloud.
So she didn't. "Because it's something I have to do. I just… I just have to do it, okay? I owe her that."
Giles took off his glasses and leaned back against the counter. "I wouldn't have thought you would feel you owed her anything."
Faith chuckled mirthlessly. "You don't know me, Giles. You never tried to know me. None of you did. None of you but her. So, I'm gonna go put some flowers on Buffy's grave. The only question is if I can borrow a few bucks until I can pay you back, or if I need to steal 'em."
It took Faith a moment, but she realized that she might have crossed a line. She didn't particularly care. It was the truth. She might have been a Slayer when she first came to Sunnydale, but that didn't make her part of the team. Maybe if the team had wanted her, things wouldn't have gone down the way they did. Maybe if Buffy hadn't been the only person in Hellville to give her the time of day, then maybe things wouldn't have gotten so personal between them.
Then again, if things hadn't gotten so personal between Faith and Buffy… Faith shook her head and banished the unfinished thought from her mind. She didn't want to think about that.
"You're right."
Faith looked up and realized that Giles had spoken. "Come again?"
"You're right, Faith," Giles said quietly. "I don't know you. Your Watcher's diaries were lost with her, and I was still working for the Council and saw merely another Slayer to watch over. What I do know is that you and Buffy were close enough for you to hurt her more deeply than anyone else ever did."
Faith tried to hold Giles's gaze, but what could she say to something like that? "If… If I could go back… Do it all over again-"
"Well, you can't!" Giles barked out suddenly. His eyes were wide, and he took a deep breath, and then his face softened. "You have no idea how much I wish you could have a chance to make things right with her. I don't know that it will make you feel much better, Faith, but you would never have been able to hurt Buffy as much as you did if you didn't matter to her."
Giles sighed. "And you did matter to her, which is more than I can say for myself, or Willow, or Xander. You were right about that, and for what little good it does now, I'm sorry."
Faith was stunned. Nobody ever apologized to Faith Lehane. She'd been wronged, sure. Faith had never expected anyone to ever admit it, was all. If it was going to be anyone, though, it would be Giles. Or maybe one other…
"I know she probably won't wanna see me after all I did," Faith said, "but I don't suppose I could ask you to just… I dunno.. Test the waters or something with Joyce? She was good to me when I was here. Only one other than Buffy. Guess I know where she gets it from."
Giles sighed again and put his glasses back on. "Joyce died a few months before Buffy. Willow and Tara have taken up residence in the Summers house and are looking after Dawn."
Faith was speechless. Buffy had lost her mom – one of the few actually good people in Sunnydale, with enough guts and goodness to stand up to Faith on a bad day – and Buffy had had to deal with that while protecting Lil' D… And Dawn was all alone now… And Faith had given the brat such a hard time when she'd first arrived, not to mention what she'd done just before the body swap… It was all too much.
"How about this, Faith?" Giles said. "Why don't we go for that walk around town you were going to take? I'll buy flowers for us both, and you can tell me about yourself while we go and visit Buffy."
Visit Buffy. Faith knew what Giles was doing. Trying to make believe that she was still here, that she was still with them, that she was anything at all save for dead. Faith never got to play make believe as a child, but she figured she might want to start right about now.
"Five by five, Giles. Thanks."
The day flew by quickly. Faith and Giles talked more than they walked, and give the man some credit, but Giles actually seemed interested in Faith. He'd need a bit of a push, but he was listening. It was obvious that he'd never even considered the possibility that Faith came from a broken home. That was what they called the sad excuses for families like hers, right? 'Broken homes.' People have such an easier time dealing with things they can't handle when they have a nice label to stick to it from a safe distance.
Oh, sure, Xander didn't exactly have it easy, but at least he had a roof over his head. So Faith told Giles a bit about growing up on the streets of Boston, stealing to feed herself until she picked the wrong target, which led to far less pleasant things to keep herself going. And then, when she finally felt the strength and power of a Slayer, she fought back. She took her life into her own hands for the first time in her seventeen years in the world. After that came a watcher named Diana, a vampire named Kakistos, and the rest was history.
All Giles had been able to say was, "Well, that explains that." Faith had wanted to erupt at him after saying so little, but then again, he was right from his point of view. Giles came from 'good stock' or something like that. People like Faith weren't real for people like him. They were statistics or sob stories you read about in your favorite magazine. Reality wasn't so simple, so his upper class brain was handling it as best as it could. It was about all Faith could ask for.
They had explored a few graveyards before dusk, but alas, they hadn't gotten to Buffy's yet. "Don't worry, Giles," Faith had assured him. "I still got the flowers. Got a stake, got some knives tucked away. It's better this way. At night, doing the sacred duty – and I mean it this time – is what she would've wanted, I think. No better time to pay her a visit. Maybe remember the good ol' days before… Well, you know."
And he did know, and he left it at that. Which left Faith holding a bouquet of flowers ending in a stake at the other end, just to be safe. Beautiful and deadly. That's you, B. Faith walked through the groves of trees, tombstones popping up every now and then. Faith didn't have a directory or a guide to lead her to Buffy's grave, but something in her gut told her she wouldn't need them. They were Slayers, the Chosen Two. Faith just walked where her feet took her. She didn't need a map to find Buffy.
Evidence of things not seen, Faith thought with a chuckle. "Guess I believe in something after all. Figures it'd be you."
As Faith walked idly through the grass and the trees, a voice caught her ear. It was distant, but she had a Slayer's senses. Someone – no, two someones – were speaking to each other in the direction of where Faith was headed.
Vamps looking to ransack B's grave? Not on my watch. Faith crouched low and began to stalk quietly towards the creatures. The old Faith would have just charged on in, but the old Faith had done some growing up. Even if she hadn't, this place deserved to be treated with some sort of respect. Damn, I'm getting all sentimental in my old age.
As she got closer, Faith could tell the voices more clearly, and they weren't vamps. Both voices were familiar, but Faith only remembered one of the names. Best to announce herself, lest she be struck by lightning, or so Giles had warned her.
"Heya, Red. Been a while."
