Okay, two updates in one night. LUCKY YOU!

Disclaimer- I don't want Twilight. If you're going to accuse me of illegally claiming the rights to something, at least let me have a kick-ass vampire. Then I could go to jail with head held high.

Chapter 2

"You're WHAT?"

Bella's scream could probably heard in the darkest and deepest regions of the Marianas Trench. Edward pressed a hand against his ear painfully. Jacob merely sat in the corner of Carlisle's study, looking impassive as always.

"Bella, I'm still the same boy. My heart belongs to you, and you alone..."

"That's crap!" Bella said, cutting Edward's speech short. Edward had to say he was relieved. It was hard to think of long flowery speeches all the time for this girl. Though it was tiring, he didn't want to be the one to tell her that nobody actually talked like that back then.

Bella stamped around the study like a five-year-old denied cake, and then finally said, "And it's Jacob's?"

"Yes," Edward reiterated. Bella's expression following that confirmation would have been quite amusing, if it weren't for the fact that Edward was now fearing for his very existence. He looked to Jacob, who hadn't said a word since Edward had broken the news. He was what Bella would call a 'jerk'. That was the correct term for it, was it not?

Jerk (noun): Jacob Black.

Yes, that seemed to fit.

The only problem was, Jacob Black was also something called 'cute'.

Cute (adjective): See 'Jerk'.

For the first time in several years, Edward was starting to experience what could only be classified as adolescent confusion. Carlisle had never said this came with becoming a vampire, and now Edward felt lonely, isolated, and strangely inspired to write a long sad song that could be accompanied with guitar. He also wanted pickles, but that was becoming a constant thing with him.

Picklelust. Brilliant.

Carlisle broke the interminable silence and said, "Bella, I understand that you're upset, but it is against our beliefs for Edward to abort the child. And Jacob, I'm afraid that you are to be informally welcomed into our family. The child will need a father."

"The child already has a father," Jacob pointed out, his usual sensitive self. Carlisle sighed and nodded with a smile.

"Nonetheless, Jacob, it will make for a far happier life for the child if he has two parents."

Jacob didn't particularly seem to care. He shrugged and nodded. Bella finally couldn't contain herself any longer and exploded.

"Hello? Is everybody missing the point here? Edward is a guy! More importantly, Edward is my boyfriend! He can't get pregnant," she said shrilly, and kicked the wall. Edward was surprised that she didn't come out of it without a broken toe.

"Well, that's just how it is, Bella," Carlisle said patiently. "You can hardly do anything about it. Edward, I'll get you the vitamins you're going to need by tomorrow, and I'll schedule an appointment. And Jacob, please go home to pack your bags and be here by six."

"Fine," Jacob shrugged, and started to leave, but not before Bella stormed out, every bit the drama queen, and slammed the door behind her. Carlisle shrugged apologetically at the two boys, and walked out after her. Edward and Jacob sat in the study, silence choking them like a thick perfume. Finally, Edward said, "You, sir, are not a gentleman."

"What?" Jacob asked, looking at Edward with an air of incredulity in his dark eyes.

"You don't care what happens to me, not really. In fact, right now, you're thinking about the various ways you can skip the country."

Jacob stared at Edward, and tried to imagine what life would be like with a telepathic, pregnant, teenage vampire. The phrase 'living hell' came to mind.

"That's not very nice."

...Aaand now it was a certainty. Jacob sighed and said, "I'll be back by six sharp, all right?"

Edward scrutinized him and said, "All right, I believe you."

Jacob smiled sarcastically, and left.

When he was sure Edward couldn't hear his thoughts, he started to think of that night with Edward again. Wow. That was all that could be said, really. His hormonal fantasies were interrupted by the realisation that he was supposed to hate Edward Cullen, which he dismissed rather easily, considering the circumstances. Then he remembered Edward was, in fact, pregnant, and was hit by an emotion that could be described in two words: oh shit.

Jacob packed, and came back just before six, as he had promised. Edward was sitting on the porch, jar of pickles in his hands, and apparently waiting for Jacob. When he saw him, the vampire said, "Oh good, you came back."

"Yeah, I came back," Jacob said, barely looking at Edward. Edward took a pickle out of the jar and said, "I'll show you to my room."

"Your room?"

"Not that you need to be shown," Edward added sharply, and viciously took a bite out of the innocent pickle. Jacob flinched, because for some reason that action made him very scared. Certain... implications aside, it made Jacob wonder what Edward would do when there weren't any pickles to take out his anger on.

"Look, Edward..." he said quickly. "I know this must be really stressful for you..."

"You don't know the half of it," Edward interrupted.

"But I do want to help you, and make sure you're all right. Please don't kill me?" Jacob said, laughing nervously when Edward swivelled around to face him, mangled pickle hanging out of his mouth. Man, he was sexy when he looked murderous...

Edward eyes widened and he said, "Stop thinking that!"

"Try and stop me," Jacob grinned evilly. The vampire took the pickle out of his mouth, looking vaguely sick, and they both walked to Edward's room in silence.

"The girls helped set up the spare bed. Bathroom's to the right at the very end of the hall," Edward mumbled. Jacob smiled widely as the other boy hastily left the room. On second thought, it might not be so bad here.