Wow, thank you all so much for your kind, kind reviews! I wasn't going to update this early but … I am. I don't like this chapter as much as the first one (it's kinda crossing over from parody to bad humor fic lol) but it was fun to write so I hope it's fun to read!
DISCLAIMER: Don't own Paris Hilton, which should come as a surprise to you all. Or the movie Boytown, but you should all go out and buy it because it is hilarious.
"Make way, make way!" Dr House weaved his way through the mass of people currently congesting the hallways of his hospital. Not that he was overly possessive or anything, oh no, no, no. "Contagious cripple coming through!"
He faked a sneeze, hacked up a lung, took some pills, dodged a corner and fell into step besides Wilson.
"House," Wilson greeted him. A smirk spread across his face. "I was unaware that being crippled automatically put you in the 'highly contagious' category. Or is it bitterness you're referring to?"
"Actually, its cooties," House told him, taking a handful of Vicodin. "As long as you keep your hands to yourself, we should be fine."
Wilson coughed politely. "Excuse me?"
House stopped and raised an eyebrow, skulling back a small handful of pills. "You know the cane turns you on, Wilson. It's a good thing that being crippled isn't contagious – all those canes around … you wouldn't be able to control yourself." He took a handful of pills and made a face. "And you're an oncologist. Ouch."
Wilson shook his head and laughed. "It all relates to sex with you, doesn't it? You're like the immature 15-year-old kid trapped in the body of a 40-something year old man."
"Oh, stop flattering me." House grinned at Wilson; ironically or otherwise, Wilson had no idea. "Gotta go. My team is trying to diagnose a patient and I need to pee."
The milling crowds enveloped the limping doctor as he disappeared from view. Wilson tried to do the same thing and hide behind a convenient pole. Unfortunately, the camera was with him every step of the way.
Wilson sighed, putting his woe-is-me face on. "Why is it always up to me to finish these scenes off?"
House limped furiously through the throng of people, whacking a couple of ankles (and taking a handful of pills) as he passed. Bitter? He?
Nah.
"Cameron!" he called. She turned around, caring surprise evident on her face. Cameron was always caring. Except for when she was being bitter towards him.
"Dr House," Cameron said. "The patient-"
"Nice bra," he told her, looking down. Waaaaay down. "Only your shirt is just covering the corner of it." He looked up at her outraged face. "Oh, sorry. You're Cameron and I only do that to Cuddy. Gosh, so many 'C' names – Chase, Cuddy, Cameron … Wilson!"
Cameron frowned. "That doesn't start with 'C.'
"I know. I just saw him over there, behind that pot plant." House waved and took some pills.
She sighed and tried again. "The patient-"
"Forget that." House dismissed her train of conversation with a flip of the hand (surreptitiously swallowing a handful of pills). "What's with the herds of people? Epidemic? Cell phone addicts anonymous meeting? Cuddy doing a peep show – which, I might add, no one informed me about?"
"Oh," Cameron said. "There's just some celebrity waiting to get checked out. Like, Paris Hilton or something. Those people are her entourage." She looked deeply into House's eyes, ready to plead her appeal. "The patient is bleeding to death, House. We have to do something!"
House nodded and swallowed some pills. "Bleeding to death, you say? Maybe, er, stopping the blood flow might be a good first step to take?"
He turned and walked off.
Cameron followed him. "But it's not that simple, House! It's not that simple!"
House turned around. "I know. I have clinic duty."
House didn't think a person of Paris's abilities should be merely dismissed as like, Paris Hilton or something. He had hired the heiress's … er … home movie for Wilson after his second divorce – a kind and noble gesture, in House's humble opinion.
Yep, he should be a saint.
"So," Cameron addressed Chase and Foremen. "What should we do?"
Foreman looked up from the chess game he was playing against Chase. "I don't know. Dinner and a movie? Anything out that you want to see, Chase?"
Chase considered, tickling his nose absently with a eucalyptus leaf. "What about Boytown?"
Foreman snorted, moving a pawn. "What is that, some gay porn film?"
"Oh," Chase said, inflicting a disappointed tone into his voice. "I forgot. You guys are American." Looking around, he leaned closer. "Hey, if anyone asked, on a scale of 1-10, how Australian do you think I am?"
Foreman considered. "Uh-"
"Look!" Cameron yelled. "Our patient is dying and House doesn't even seem to care! And all you guys want to talk about is our weekend plans!" She breathed furiously and swallowed some pills. "While we're on the subject, though, I kind of want to see Music and Lyrics."
"What you got there, Cameron?" Foreman craned his neck and leaned closer, looking at the little bottle in her hand.
Cameron looked at the bottle, too. "Oh … nothing."
"What are you taking, Sheila?" Chase asked. No! he berated himself. Ya. Ya. Are-ya.
Cameron looked at him strangely. "Oh … well … Cuddy gave me this book after I expressed my frustration to her about no one listening to me because I'm a woman and how hard I find it to work for a boss who doesn't seem to care about anything … it's empathy, right? So I can understand what he's going through and were he's been."
Foreman shook his head, snatching the bottle from her. "So, you thought you'd get yourself addicted to …" he read the label. "Childresn's Multi-vitamins."
"Well-" Cameron started.
Foreman held up a finger. "Wait. I'm not done." He turned back to the bottle. "Strawberry flavour."
Cameron shrugged. "Makes them go down easier. Actually, that reminds me. I need to return that book to Cuddy-"
"I'll do it," Foreman volunteered. After discovering that Cuddy had at least offered some advice to Cameron over her issues, he had decided to go and talk to Cuddy about some issues he was having with House. "I'll go now. You guys keep working on the case."
He took the book and left. Chase turned to Cameron. "You need any help getting that shirt off?"
She looked at him, her painful conscience evident on her face. "We really should talk about the patient…"
"He'll be fine. Actually, I thought maybe a good next step in the treatment would be to take action to stop the bleeding."
She nodded her head. "Actually, House told me the very same thing." She reached out her hand for a high five. "We're getting faster!"
Chase grabbed her hand and pulled her over to him. "Whatever. Come on, it's not a case without someone screwing someone else."
EVEN MORE OF A CLIFFHANGER!!! And, while we're on the subject, reviews make me happy … ::hint hint::
