I untangle my bare legs from the cotton sheets before getting to my feet and stretching. I was tired, more like I was exhausted, after all I really hadn't slept that night. I couldn't stop thinking about Lucas, or Brooke for that matter. After everything those two had done for me I still treated them like crap. Lucas didn't have to but he spent the entire day with me and in the end I just told him to leave.

I pushed my legs towards the bathroom to get ready. I didn't have an interest in going to school but I didn't have a choice. I couldn't stop thinking as I brushed my teeth. I feel like some private part of me was exposed to Lucas the other day and that kind of makes my skin crawl. He saw me at my worst and that has to be the last thing I wanted. The things that went on that day are things that I only share with Brooke, but I guess that's changed now. I rinse my mouth and look at my face in the mirror. I don't look it, but inside I couldn't be more ashamed.

I hang my head down and force myself to stand against the frame of the door. I looked down at where Brooke's sleeping figure had been the other morning. After everything I've done to her lately she still came through for me, I didn't think that she would. My mother's death is something that I hope to get over every year but that never happens. She showed up that afternoon and acted like nothing had ever changed between us. She's stayed with me every year and she followed through this year. I don't know how I betrayed her the way I did. I can come up with every excuse in the book for why I let things happen between Luke and me, but none of them are ever valid. None of them take the guilt away.

I run my thin fingers through my matted curls and give one last look at the twisted sheets before getting dressed. I change quickly, not really caring about what I look like, it's really the least of my concerns at the moment. I still can't believe how easily I dismissed Luke that night. It hurt to do it but he'll never know. Brooke knows that I didn't want to do it but she also understands a part of me that other people don't, a part of me that I don't want other people to understand.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about him but I do know that I care about Lucas… a lot. That doesn't matter though because in the end I can't have him. If I ever let him in I'd wind up hurting him like I do everyone else. See when things go wrong in my life I don't only hurt myself, I hurt everyone involved. I guess I might love Lucas and if I do then I love him enough to let him go. I don't want to hurt him more than I already have and if I start something with him then the pain will be inevitable.

Those are the repeating thoughts that invade my mind as I endure the lonely drive to school. The drive isn't really that lonely but I am. Lucas said that I was lonely once but I don't think he realized how right he was. I don't really have anyone in my life. I have my dad and all but he's never around so I guess I don't really have him. I can't have Lucas for the already mentioned reasons I've come up with and I'm sure I can find more. I used to have Brooke, but I screwed that one up. She may have stayed the night with me after Lucas left but the minute we got to school things were back to the way they were, her hating me and me trying desperately to apologize. I had Nathan but I didn't want him and now that someone else has him he's like this golden treasure or something.

Haley has a way of bringing out the good in people and she's worked one hell of a miracle on Nathan. I think that Nathan Scott is the perfect example of what I do to people. Nate and I used to be good friends and he was a sweet guy. When he first told me he liked me I laughed at him 'cause I thought he was joking but than he kept pursuing me. He would buy me little gifts and leave them on my desk in homeroom. I would find a rose by my locker at least once a day and inside the locker there was always a note with a little compliment on it. Sometimes he would tell me that he couldn't stop thinking about me, or that my eyes sparkled, or my outfit complimented my features, or he was mesmerized by the way my hair bounced at my shoulders, or that I looked like an angel on earth.

He was a real romantic, his compliments never consisted of you look damn sexy today babe or anything of that nature, those were things I'd begun to hear after we were going out for almost two years. Things changed when we were together, he became the asshole that I stayed with for some unknown reason. I guess I hoped he would go back to the way he was and he did go back, after he started dating Haley. I brought out the worst in Nathan and she bought out the best.

The little bit of time that I did hang out with Lucas had already started to change him. The Lucas Scott I had originally met would have never cheated on his girlfriend and he definitely wouldn't have had a one-night stand in the park with some bar slut. Maybe now that I'm removing myself from the picture he'll go back to the way he was, at least I hope so.

I shut the engine off after pulling into one of the last available parking spaces. I look around at everyone as they stand and talk at their lockers and they laugh with their friends. I force myself to forget about Brooke, Lucas, Nathan and all the other shit that's wreaked havoc on my all ready fucked up life. I grab my bag out of the back of the car and step out onto the pavement. I plaster a wide smile on my face despite everything going on, it's not hard, after all it's what I've done everyday for the past 7 years. I walk over tot eh cheerleaders standing by the gym and we talk and laugh at stupid gossip. Brooke ignores me with the exception of her occasionally scowl in my direction but I merely turn away from her and continue talking to the other girls.

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