A/N: Well! Two reviews are not the most I have ever received, BUT they were probably the most heartening reviews ever gotten! So for all those who love a good joke, this is my continuation; another one-shot. This isn't a list of rules though; it's a letter. Enjoy. Review. Please tell me if you catch any mistakes.
Dearest Guinevere,
How are you doing? I hope you are well; you are living in Camelot, where giant beasts attack at least once a week, so I can't just assume that. It has come to my attention that in certain areas of your life you could use some advice. That's what I'm here for.
First order of business: princes. They are off-limits, right? You said so yourself. "Nothing can ever be between you and me, Arthur." (In the first place, why don't you just accept it and move on? You're getting married. Read the legend.) Not to be critical, of course, Gwen, but you don't seem to be practicing what you are preaching. If he's "off-limits", then hugging him/ crying to him/ calling him by his first name seems a tad inappropriate. If you are totally NOT in a relationship, then scratching his donkey ears is an invasion of personal space.
(However, that last thing is completely understandable. They were cute donkey ears. They were fuzzy. I get it, truly I do.)
Second order of business: all the other guys. You're killing us here. It truly is amazing the male attention you receive, Gwen. Why is this? I'm as pretty as you (well… more or less)! Why don't I have ten million guys? Is it something about your clothes? Perhaps you need to cover up? Pull that lavender dress up higher, Gwen, dear? Or something else. First it was Merlin (thank heavens that died a merciful death – it would never have worked), then Lancelot, then Arthur, and that Gwaine seemed interested. Don't let the king know about all this. He'd probably think it was magic.
You know, maybe they would stop flirting with you if you'd stop playing hard-to-get. Then again, maybe not. It could just be a plot device in order to get you all ready for your infamous life of cheating on Arthur for Lance. (Or maybe you really don't want them? If so, can I have them? How about one? I'll take Arthur… or Gwaine… or Lancelot…)
Don't think I'm trying to interfere, dear, when I suggest that if you do like Lance better, perhaps marrying him and being faithful would make more sense than marrying Arthur and being unfaithful with Lancelot. I mean, he's a commoner. You're a commoner. And then I'd be free to take Arthur…
Speaking of guys: Gwen, I've noticed you seem to have a snow-white rep around Camelot. That's great. Wonderful. I applaud you. However… well, not to be indelicate, but you do realize that the more guys you let stay at your house because Merlin asked you to, the more in danger that reps going to be in? It kind of looks bad… On top of that, why don't they ever stay at his place? He has room! What, you don't need a bed and he does?
Let me see, what other advice have I for you?
Oh, yes. Morgana. Since you know her so well, and you two are friends and all… why the heck hasn't the penny dropped? She's treating you like dirt. Using magic. Meeting with evil half-sisters. Have you missed the evil little smirks she keeps shooting at both Merlin and empty space? I'll spell it out for you, really clearly. She. Is. An. Evil. Sorceress. Who. Is. Bent. Upon. The. Destruction. Of. Camelot. Slow enough for you? Good, now that you get that point, go run and tell someone. But not Uther. He'd never believe you.
Before you go, and speaking of missing things, number four on my list: Merlin. I'm not sure how many times he's saved your life, gone to jail for sorcery, used magic JUST outside of where you can see him, or had a suspiciously lame excuse for some unnatural event? Come now, Gwen, I know you're turning a blind eye for the sake of the plot, but this is getting ridiculous. We would all thank you if you would just be like, "Merlin! My friend! Tell me, is it true that you are an all-powerful warlock referred to as Emyrs who has a great destiny?" He could reply, "Yep."
I do believe that's all. I will see you in the next episode, and hopefully you will have taken my advice.
Sincerely and with the greatest admiration,
Kitty O.
