Brian stumbled blearily into the kitchen, barely trusting his sore legs to carry him to the sink. Stewie had promised him that he'd finally perfected the time machine, but that hadn't stopped them from being dropped into the center of a WWII war zone- again. He was too old to keep indulging his friend like this, but he reminded himself that after a large glass of water and a good night's sleep, the evening's adventures wouldn't seem as bad.

He had just gotten the glass under the faucet when he heard the front door creak open. His ears pricked up and he growled, but he managed to get control of himself and he approached the kitchen entry, flipping on the light.

Meg was standing in the living room, her eyes wide in the sudden illumination. Brian's first inclination was to shrug it off, but then he realized what he was seeing. Meg was holding her hat and shoes in her hand, her hair was tussled and pressed back in a harried fashion. Her shirt was wrinkled and tucked halfway into her jeans, which themselves were unbuttoned and only half zipped.

"Meg? What the hell-"

"Brian? Oh, thank god it's just you."

"Meg, it's almost four o'clock in the morning. Where the hell were yo-" the breeze from the still-open front door caught Meg's scent and pushed it toward Brian, whose hackles raised immediately.

"Were you… were you with Quagmire?"

Meg blushed violently and clutched her things close to her chest. Brian gaped in horror at her.

"Are you serious? What did you- did you have sex with him?"

"It's not-" she began, but her voice caught in her throat. "You don't understand…"

"Meg, I can not believe you would have sex with Quagmire. Do you even know how old he is? Seriously? And after what happened last year?"

"Shut up, Brian." Meg said, suddenly angry. "So what? Huh? So what happened last year? It was a year ago, I'm 19 now, and Quagmire actually treats me nice. He treats me better than anyone in this family does."

"How can you even say that?" Brian demanded, "All he wants is a new place to stick his dick, and you are obviously all too willing to oblige."

"Why are you being so mean to me?" She asked, incredulous.

"I thought you were better than that." He said, furrowing his brow. They stared at each other for a moment before Meg straightened and brushed her hair back from her face.

"He's right about you," She said, "You are a hypocrite and a bore."

Brian was shocked into silence and could do nothing but watch as Meg ascended the stairs. He pressed his face to his paw, groaning in exasperation. It was too late to be dealing with this stuff. He glanced back at the water and tossed it back into the sink, then reached under the table for the bottle of Jack Daniels he kept taped there. As he took a swig, he wandered into the side room and stared out the window at Quagmire's house.

The living room light was on, as evidenced by the illumination the bay window cast over his front yard. His lips curled back into a growl. What he ought to do is march himself over there and kick the shit out of Quagmire. What right did that lascivious old man have to do what he did? What right did he have to… well… what had he done? Brian needed more information, he needed to know what really happened. He thought back to last year, Quagmire's brazenly transparent advances practiced right in front of him and Peter. Glenn was a predator, and she was his prey. Had the same thing happened? Had Quagmire come over after everyone had gone to bed, snuck Meg out of the house and had his way with her? Why couldn't the girl see that she was being used?

Quagmire's living room light turned off, startling Brian out of his train of thought. What he ought to do is tell Peter. No, actually, not Peter. Lois. Peter had known all along what was happening last year, but Lois was the one whose rage inspired them to rescue Meg. She would set the girl straight, and kick Quagmire's ass too. That would set him right. He'd have to move away after Lois was done with him.

What if it was Meg's idea?

Brian and Quagmire had enough bad blood between them without Brian inciting fights between him and the Griffins. He hated Quagmire just as much as Glenn hated him, but was he willing to ruin the man's life like that? Especially if it had been Meg's idea.

"He treats me better than anyone in this family does."

Brian looked down at the Jack Daniels bottle, now only half full. For someone who professed to care about Meg as much as Brian did, he had abandoned her birthday to go galavanting through time with Stewie. Come to think of it, Peter and Lois hadn't even mentioned Meg's coming birthday either. Really, had no one remembered? Was that the catalyst for this whole thing?

Brian drank through the rest of the bottle as fast as he could, keeping his mind as blank as possible, before going upstairs to Peter and Lois' room for the night. As he curled at the end of the bed, he made a promise to himself to get to the bottom of everything tomorrow morning.


Meg opened her eyes blearily, reaching out to silence her screaming alarm clock. She forgot that she had set it for this morning, so it was probably for the best that she hadn't stayed the whole night at Quagmire's. She made a mental note to thank him, smiling a little to herself as she pressed the button and sat up.

"I'm surprised you're getting up this early." A voice said from the end of the bed. Meg's eyes shot open. Brian was there, his arms crossed.

"Brian? Get the hell out of my room!"

"I can't do that, Meg." He said, his brows coming together and his mouth turning down in a frown, "Not until you tell me exactly what happened last night."

"God, Brian. Why the hell do you need to know?" She demanded, throwing back the covers and standing from the bed.

"Damn it." He said, "Don't you realize that there is a reason Peter and Lois wanted to protect you from him? Did you stop to think that Peter wanted to keep him away from you because he knows him better?"

"Why can't you just let me be happy, Brian? For once in my life, I am happy."

"I want you to be happy, but Glenn Quagmire is not going to be the one to do that." Brian said, a growl biting at the back of his throat, "He'll use you, like he uses so many other girls, and drop you flat when you get boring."

"Son of a bitch, it's not like I'm marrying him. It's just a casual fuck every now and then. Seriously, you need to back off."

Brian continued to glare at her as she gathered the clothes she had shed from the night before. As she lifted her jeans, an open condom wrapper fell out of her pocket. Brian growled, swallowed, and stood from the bed.

"Well," he said, voice dripping with disdain as he picked it up and handed it back to her, "I guess I should be grateful that you're using protection."

Meg's eyes narrowed. She tossed the wrapper into her trashcan, then pointed at the door, "Brian, get the fuck out of my room."

Brian was so blinded with fury that he almost immediately ran into Chris.

"Woah, what's up Brian?"

"Get out of my way, Chris."

"What's going on?"

"What's going on is that Quagmire came over here last night and-" Brian stopped himself, swallowed and closed his eyes.

"What… Mr. Quagmire? He didn't come over last night." Chris said. Brian relaxed his hands, which he didn't realize he had been holding in fists, and looked at Chris.

"What did you say?"

"Mr. Quagmire didn't come over last night, Brian. No one did."

"Wait… no one?"

"No."

"But.. what about Meg's party?"

"What party, Brian? There wasn't any party last night. Well, except the one in my pants!" He laughed at his own joke, then pushed past Brian on the way to the bathroom.

No party? But… he could have sworn… wasn't Meg's birthday party last night? He and Stewie had skipped out before anyone had come over, preferring adventuring to a girl's birthday, but… no one? Brian changed course and went into Stewie's room.

"Hey, Stewie?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you still have surveillance on the house?"

"Do I still have- do I- Brian. Brian. What do you take me for?"

Stewie wrenched a lever in the toy box, revealing a panel of surveillance screens behind a bedroom wall.

"Can you rewind any of them" He asked, but looking at Stewie's face proved he hadn't needed to. At a press all the screens began buzzing backwards and Brian stopped him around the 7pm mark the previous evening. Lois had just tucked Stewie in and closed Brian in the bedroom with him. As he and Stewie set up their decoys and snuck into the time machine, he saw Lois retreat to the kitchen and begin talking with Peter. Chris was in his bedroom, back (thankfully) to the camera, computer screen (mercilessly) not, and Meg was sitting on her bed, legs tucked underneath her, chin resting on her windowsill.

Stewie sped up the tape as the family went about their business, slowing it down when Meg stood from her bed and marked her calendar.

"What is this about, Brian? Everything was normal last night." Stewie asked.

"No it wasn't," Brian said, "Yesterday was Meg's birthday."

"Meg's birthday?" Stewie asked, "Oh, oh yes. I seem to remember something- oh, well. No one remembered obviously."

"Someone did." Brian said, narrowing his eyes as he watched Meg. She had pulled out her diary, thumbed a few pages back, and read it with a strangely wistful look on her face. She looked to her phone, typed a bit on it, then put it down and went into the bathroom.

"Brian…" Stewie asked, raising an eyebrow at the dog, "Why are we watching my sister take a shower?"

"Oh just skip over it. This is important." Brian said. Stewie shuddered, shrugged, and jumped a few minutes. After Meg was out of the shower she picked up her phone again and smiled widely. She typed again, then dressed, typed, then dried her hair, then finally typed on her way down the stairs. She paused for just a moment at the door, listening for Peter and Lois, then holding her phone, and when the screen lit up it was apparently the confirmation she needed, and she left.

"Where is she going?" Stewie asked.

"To Quagmire's house."

"Why would she go to Quagmire's house in the middle of the night?"

"Well, um, Stewie- when a man and a woman-"

"What? What are you talking about, Brian?"

"Well… when… you know how Peter and Lois… erm… made you?"

"Yeah?"

"Well…"

"... OH, EWW!"


"Brian, we cannot let this man and his errant phallus corrupt my sister."

"Stewie, what the hell? Seriously."

"But Briiiian, she's my siiiiister." Stewie groaned, making his eyes as big as saucers.

"Well it's too late, they've already-"

"LA LA LA LA I DON'T WANT TO HEAR LA LA LA-"

"Okay, well then what should we do?"

"Hmm..." Stewie thought for a moment, stroking his chin thoughtfully, "If the fat man knew, do you think he would put a stop to this wild behavior?"

"Do we really want to involve Peter in this? I mean, it was different when it was Quagmire chasing Meg, but now- I don't know."

"Why is this any different?" Stewie asked. Brian looked down, contemplating. He remembered Meg's words from last night, "You're a hypocrite and a bore."

"She was right..." Brian said.

"Right? Who was right?"

"Meg. She was right about me. Last night, when I caught her coming home- she said that Quagmire was right about me, that I was a hypocrite and a bore. I talk a big game about women's rights and their freedom to do what any guy would do, but when it comes right down to it I can't trust an adult woman to make a correct decision about her own life."

"But Brian, this is different. We're talking about Quagmire here."

"I know, I know." Brian said, "I just... I wish I could know for sure. If I knew for sure that this was actually Meg's decision, I think I might feel better about letting it go."

"Well, what if you follow her?"

"What do you mean?"

"We'll keep an eye on her, watch for the next time she goes over to Quagmire's house. Maybe if you follow her, and can listen in, it will become clear exactly what is going on between them."

"You want me to watch them have sex." Brian said, eyebrow raised.

"Did I say that, Brian? Follow her, listen to their pre-coitus conversation, then make your decision."

"Pre-coitus, eh?"

"Oh, I got stuck with the Fat Man watching The Big Bang theory the other day. Come on, let's go to Quagmire's house and find you a good hiding spot."