A/N: I don't know if any of you is interested in the second chapter of this story. I struggled with Damon's point of view and I am still deeply unsatisfied with the result. In any case, since it's finally finished, I put it up. This is set after 4x08 and the characters are, of course, not mine.
Right and wrong were words that had no place in Damon Salvatore's dictionary. They implied a moral judgment that he refused to give. Life, especially for supernatural people, was a long, long way to hell. What this paved path into suffering drove people to do was not something for others to discuss. He also hated the word conscience. That meant that there was somehow a moral code that was more acceptable than others. Damon had lived centuries without a conscience and it had felt just fine. Now everything had changed.
It was because of her.
The girl that was currently entwined in his arms had fought for him to see that the conscience that he had sworn off was still there, dormant at times, but definitely there. It was because of her that he now knew without a shadow of a doubt that he had to refrain from doing something, that indeed there was a voice inside him that could guide him to be a man deserving of love. He still was reluctant in employing those pesky little right and wrong words. Not this morning.
It was because of him.
His younger brother, the one person in his life that had always, if sometimes twistedly and secretly loved him. It was because of him that the word that kept pounding in his head this morning was "Wrong".
He had stolen his girl. Wrong. He had refused to let her go after discovering the sire bond. Wrong. He had let Stefan believe that he would definitely do what was right. Wrong.
It had been different with Katherine. They had experienced their first love together, in what was just another step of the adventures of the Salvatore Brothers, united till the end. Katherine had destroyed them, he had hated Stefan with the acid aftertaste of the burning desire of being the "picked Salvatore" but nothing had felt wrong. Action, reaction in an infinite circle. No reason to assign moral codes to his behaviors. But now, that 5 letter word was tormenting him. Wrong.
It was because of her and him.
Elena was the polar opposite of Katherine in a sense. She didn't try to make men fall in love with her. It just happened. They were attracted by her incredible good looks, her intelligence, her strength and loyalty, her willingness to be challenged if necessary. Damon was a man that happened to spend time in her company. His fate had been clenched at "hello".
Falling for her had never been conscious but the alternative was now unconceivable.
Stefan had fallen in love with her completely and this time no compulsion of any kind had been involved. Or, at least, no supernatural compulsion. He had seen it immediately. Stefan was smitten and committed to make this relationship with Elena last for how long she wanted it. He was ready to kill for her, to die for her, even to let her make her decisions, secure in the epicness of their love. He had seen his younger brother healed of a centuries-old wound because of her. For that, away from prying eyes, he had smiled. At the time he was focused on getting Katherine back. He had imagined once or twice family parties with the two doppelgangers and the Salvatore Brothers at the same table. Nights to remember, without a doubt.
He had loved her first, she had loved him first. Nothing else should matter.
Except it did. Because Elena had been the one person capable of understanding that beneath the cockiness and the jokes there was Damon. Beneath the plans and the cruelty there was Damon. Beneath the bad sibling label there was the Damon that had picked Stefan up when he was a boy, the one that had taken blame for some of their young adventures so that Stefan wouldn't get punished, the one that despite his deep-hearted solitude and intense longing for his brother's company had let him go to war alone, so that he wouldn't interfere in his progress.
Beneath the mask, there was the Damon that wanted to be deemed as worthy of love as his brother.
Elena had somehow penetrated deep into his psyche and found that Damon and brought him back to life. He had responded with the simplest and most complicated feeling there was. Unfettered love.
Beneath the mask, there was the Damon that wanted to be chosen.
There was the rub because Elena belonged to his brother. For her to choose him meant that she had to let Stefan go. She had to break his heart.
So, for a long time, he had watched them together. Sickeningly in love as in a bad pop song from some overhyped boy-band.
"Race d'Abel, aime et pullule!
Ton or fait aussi des petits.
Race de Caïn, coeur qui brûle,
Prends garde à ces grands appétits."*
So, for a long time, he had bewared of those intense desires and stayed as far as the leash that linked him to Elena would allow.
His will had stood many a challenge but no Cain in the world was built to refuse Elena when she came willingly to him, when she swore that her feelings for him were real and not due to that stupid sire bond. He couldn't turn her away when she had given him that sense of peace that he had forgotten ever existed. She had quieted his demons, she had opened the door to a world of bliss that he had never truly experienced. He had been shy in admitting that the adjective that he had so many times sneered in hearing now belonged to him. There was no turning back from that situation.
"And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?"**
No matter how much he tried to deny it, he had been. He had been his brother's keeper anytime their father had been unable to perform his task as a parent. He had been his brother's keeper whenever he had protected him, he had been his brother's keeper when he had tried to bring him back from his ripper benders.
What he didn't want to admit was that Stefan, too, had been his keeper. There whenever he had been in real danger, ready to abandon Elena and become the worst possible version of himself to give him a chance to survive a werewolf bite. Would they still have a chance to be each other's keeper now that he had betrayed him?
"And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground."**
Would Stefan hate him as he had hated him for Katherine?
"I hated you. I still do... But not because you forced me to turn...Because she turned you. It was just supposed to be me, Stefan. Just me"
Would Stefan turn a mirror on him, repeating those words whose poisoning ability was stronger than all the vervain in the world? Would he be forced to deal every day with the fact that he had inflicted on his brother the violent pain that he had endured for centuries?
Would he forever be condemned to a half-life?
The woman in his arms. His brother outside. Elena and her caresses and kisses. Stefan and his betrayed, heartbroken look.
His infinite joy. His infinite misery.
"And Cain said unto the LORD, My punishment is greater than I can bear."**
*Baudelaire's Abel et Caïn. The English translation that I was able to find is
"Race of Abel, love, pullulate!
Even your gold has progeny.
Race of Cain, with the burning heart,
Beware of those intense desires."
**Genesis, 4
A/N: I know that Elena here is not in the picture and she seems like a puppet of the two brothers. That wasn't my intention. I wanted to explore the relationship between the siblings. It wasn't also my intention to make Damon come out as a monster. I love him on the show and I tried to explore his motives. The situation in which the writers have put him in is terrible. If this looks like somehow a mean bashing of his character, you can blame my lack of talent.
