AN: I know I said it would be a week before this was up, but seeing how tomorrow is World AIDS day, it seemed appropriate to post Mimi's secret now.


One of the things that gives me the most joy in my life, apart from just being with Roger, are the times when I can hold Rodolfo in my arms. However, whenever I do, I can't help but feel a slight, gnawing guilt inside me. But it's not because of what most people would think. Yes, it is true I wish Roger and I weren't going to die because of AIDS and make our son an orphan. But I know that he'll be taken care of after we're gone, and our friends will raise him as best as they can.

Actually, the guilt I feel is due to the fact that Rodolfo could have had siblings instead of just being an only child. I know it's an odd guilt, but I still have it. I guess it's because I had a few siblings of my own, so I never really knew how it felt to be an only child. Roger, on the other hand, knows how it feels, and he's sometimes mentioned that, if he hadn't had Mark to hang around with as a child, he'd probably have been bored out of his mind.

I suppose that's why I feel bad that Rodolfo will live out his life without any siblings. But what makes the guilt even worse is knowing that he could have had them, but for one reason or another, each possible sibling had been lost before being born. Roger and the others all know about the child I had once carried, only to loose after my fall down the stairs back when we all still lived in the Loft. And they even know about Musetta, who could have been Rodolfo's half-sister if it hadn't been for the miscarriage April had experienced years ago. But no one knows about how Rodolfo could have had another half-sibling because of a huge mistake I had once made.

It had occurred a long time ago, about three years before Roger and I had even met. By now, probably everyone has learned about how I came to New York at the age of fifteen to become a dancer, how I met Angel, and ended up working at the Cat Scratch Club. And they also have gathered enough to understand that it was because of where I worked that made me start using heroin. But this is where my friends' understanding about my past and what really happened become two separate things.

I know a lot of people get HIV from using a tainted needle when they're shooting up. But the difference between me and them was that I had Angel in my life. Angel, who had already been living with HIV because of a blood transfusion performed by a careless doctor. She couldn't get me to quit, but she made sure I knew the dangers that could come about from sharing needles. Because of that, I always made sure to use a clean, unused needle every time. But I can never tell the others that I didn't get HIV from my heroin use. If they knew how it really happened, it would only cause everyone grief, and I know Roger wouldn't take the news very well, either.

It all started during one of my shifts at the Cat Scratch. There was this one guy who seemed very interested in my performance. When I started to leave the club to return to Angel's place, where I stayed back then, the guy stopped me and offered me a drink. I turned him down at first, but then he rolled his eyes and asked me 'what makes women think guys only buy them a drink because they want to get them into bed?' I had to admit he had a point, so I gave in.

That turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I remember enjoying a drink with this guy, but then I was momentarily distracted by some drunk forty-something guy, who had jumped on the stage to touch one of the girls and had to be thrown out by one of the club's bouncers. The guy who I had been having a drink with took advantage of my distraction, and slipped something into my drink.

Needless to say, the rest of that night comes up as a blank when I try to remember it. All I can remember is waking up hours later in a bed, inside one of those sleazy motels, with all my clothes thrown randomly over the floor. I was so angry, I only had time to throw on my leopard skin coat and throw a lamp at the guy's head before running out, leaving my clothes behind. I headed straight to Angel's place, where I broke down almost instantly. It took her a while, but she finally calmed me down enough to tell her exactly what happened. I expected her to scold me for being so dumb, but she just hugged me as tight as she could and comforted me. She always was a true friend.

Angel waited a while before taking me down to the clinic for the first time to get tested, just to play it safe, explaining that it takes a while before the test can give you accurate results. I remember wishing they'd let her come in with me when I was called in for my blood test, but when the results came back, I actually was glad she'd stayed outside. That bas-ard not only gave me the virus that would one day kill me, but he also got me pregnant!

I made the decision on the spot. If I was sick, then that baby would have been as well. And even if he wasn't, why would I have wanted a kid when it only would have been a constant reminder of how I'd been stupid enough to let some random guy drug my drink? There was no point to discussing this with Angel, especially not when doing so might make me change my mind about it. And so I just let them get rid of it.

I have never told anyone about the abortion, and I never will. Because doing so would also mean explaining to the others exactly how I really did get infected with HIV. That's something that I can't let happen. If anyone ever found out, I know they'd all go crazy. Joanne would probably insist on bringing the whole thing to court, and I have no hesitation in saying Roger would immediately demand to know who that guy was so he could go out and murder him for doing that to me. None of that would do any good, though. I never found out that guy's name, and I couldn't possibly remember what he looked like. So tracking him down for any reason would be like finding a needle in a haystack. Because of that, telling the others would only make everyone upset. It wouldn't change what had happened. Everyone is much better off not knowing the truth. There's no sense in letting something that happened so long ago affect what I have now with Roger, Rodolfo, and all my friends. No day but today.


AN: This was inspired by something I once saw on the now-extinct RENT secrets, which said Mimi was originally supposed to have met Roger after an abortion. (Personally, I'm pro-life, and can only overlook theraputic abortion, but I can also understand it if the baby's the result of a rape.)

Mark's secret will be next.