"So dis is da Citadel? I fort it wud be bigga."
"It's plenty big fer me. I 'member fightin' on it durin' da First Kontakt Waaagh!"
"Gud times, ay boss?"
"Gud times."
Ash stuck his head into the kokpit, peering out the window at a large Asari ship off the port bow.
"Cor, dat's a shiny kroozer alrite. Can we's burn it?"
"Burnin' duzzent work in space, squigbrain."
"Okays den. Can we's smash it?"
"Maybe later."
Jokka tapped the talky-majik, eventually getting it to turn on in another blast of angry static.
"'Tenshun space kentrol. Dis be da Orky kroozer Normandy wantin' ta land, so you's best get us a landin' spot proppa quick."
"Oy, is dat you Jokka?"
"Yeh, now find me a landin' spot."
"Okay ... um ... dat one."
"Which one is dat one."
"Um ... 's got a numba."
"A numba? Ay zog. Get Addumz up 'ere, 'e can do numbas."
The Normandy, named after the famous Waagh!, eventually figured out which berth to use and came in to dock. After leaving the kroozer in the capable hands of Prezzly, Andazon led Sheppurt, Kadun and Ash to the Ambassadur's office.
"Oy! You lots were da wuns 'oo wanted to be friends, an' now you's sittin' dere wiv yer fingas up yer piss'oles while da Geff attak our kolonys! Us Orks got a word for dat - is Squigshit."
"Calm down Ambassadur. Ork-kind was well aware of the risks when you decided to found colonies in the Traverse."
"Furst of all, where the zog else wus we suppost ta put our kolonies? You greedy Council types wuddent let us have any of da gud plannits! Sekund, we was led to baleev da wurst fing in da Traverse wus pirates an' squints! Da Geff is SUMFINK TOT'LLY DIFF'RUNT!"
"Please, calm down Ambassadur. The Council is currently engaged in talks ..."
"Torks? TORKS? A Waaagh! of killy deffbots is barin' down on us, but is okays, da Council is torking about it. You's torking about it now, you's be torking about it wen da Geff is shootin' up da Citadel and you's still be torking about it five-teen minnits past da zoggin' apokkalipse! Torking ain't gonna kut it wiv me, why duzzent ya do sumfink about it!"
"We shall continue this discussion at the hearing."
The Council hung up a little too quickly to be polite.
"Zoggin' gits and squigbrains, da lot of 'em. An' why da zog you bring 'arf yer boys, Kaptin?"
"Watch yer mouf, Ambassadur. I just brung sum of da boys from da away mob in case you's 'ad any queschuns."
"Dis all in da reportz, as long as dey ain't total squigshit. I tell you dis much, da Council are zoggin' useless. Warboss Hakkit 'as been on da talky-majik wivout stoppin' since da 'ole mess started. Da spikies want to kno wot 'appened to dere Spectur, da Council want to kno why da zog we wants to smash Sarrun more dan ushul an' da presses want to kno what da zog is goin' on, an' all dis mess bekos you can't even pik up a Profean bit wivout startin' a Waaagh!"
"Ay! Dat's da Geff's folt, not da Kaptins!"
"Shaddup Ash. Let da Kaptin do da torking."
"Woteva. Get yer green buttz ter da hearin' and bring yer evv ... evvy ... proof wiv yer."
The Ambassadur stormed out of the room, his cybork leg sparking with every other step.
"Can we smash dat git?"
"Maybe later."
###
"Well dat was a waste of time."
The assembled Orks nodded their agreement. The Council had been next to useless as usual, all Saren had really done was expound darkly on his hatred of Orks and the Kaptin had stepped into the squigshit with both feet by smashing the petitioner's podium with his power klaw.
"Da fact is we's stukk until we can get da Council to stop protektin' Sarrun. We's need proofs, more dan just wun boy's say so."
Sheppurt idly scratched his ear with his choppa.
"We ran into dat spiky on da way 'ere who sounded like 'e mite 'ave sumfink on Sarrun. 'E mite be wurf a look."
Kadun added in his thoughts.
"Dere's dat slippury round git as well in da bank. I hurd 'e's workin' fer da Shadow Brokka."
"Da wot?"
Sheppurt cuffed Ash round the head.
"'E's a guy wot knows stuff, ya git. Now shaddup. Alrite, 'ow do we find dis spiky?"
"Harkum prolly knows, you's find 'im in da nearest bar."
The Ambassadur took charge.
"Okays den. Kaptin, you come wiv me, you's done enuff damage alreddy."
"Hur hur, dat wos funny."
"Shaddup. You free, go and find dat spiky. Don't bovva wiv da Shadow Brokka, I don't trust anywun I can't smash wiv me bare 'ands."
Without waiting for an answer the Ambassadur led the Kaptin off to his office for a good old fashioned Orky yellin' at.
"I really really wanna smash dat git."
"Maybe later."
###
"Wot you gits wont?"
Already Sheppurt was feeling the urge to smash Harkum. Despite being little more than a gretchen, the surly Ork was talking to the three hardened warriors as if they were beneath him.
"Mos'ly ta smash yer face in, but we's all gotta make sakrifises in dis life. I wanta kno where to find a spiky called Garruz."
"Wot you gits lookin' for Garruz fer?"
"Dat's a sekrit. Tells you wot, I's buy you a squig beer if you tells me where to find Garruz."
"Wot kind of squig beer?"
"Da extra 'splodey kind."
"Okays."
One squig beer later, Harkum was feeling much chattier.
"Da spiky haz been up to da dok shopp in da markets a lot. I's finking you look dere. You's parta Kaptin Andazon's mob, ain't yer?"
"Yeh. Wot about it?"
"Da Kaptin ever tell yer 'is big sekrit?"
"Da Kaptin 'as a sekrit?"
"Yeh. See, a wile ago da Kaptin wos being tested to be a Spectur, and Sarrun wos in charge of 'is test. Da Kaptin zogged da 'ole fing up and blamed Sarrun for it, but Sarrun blamed da Kaptin. Da Council baleeved Sarrun and dey didn't let da Kaptin be a Spectur."
"Why da zog you tells me dat?"
"Sekrits is like dakka. If yer got it, yer shud spray it everwhere."
"Fanks for da help, now zog off 'afore I smash ya."
Leaving the miserable grot to his squig beer, Sheppurt led his mob out of the bar and straight into a hail of gunfire.
"Wot da zog ... Get in covva!"
"Boss, 'oos shootin' at us?"
Sheppurt peeked up above his cover.
"Looks like too spikies. Kadun, do a weird fing."
"Gottit boss."
Waving his weirdstikk, Kadun sent a pulse of biotic energy through the eezo impregnated staff. The power was launched in a crackling blue ball that hit with the force of a squiggoth mounted rokkit launcha, blowing the two Turians off their feet. Ash rushed forward, setting them alight with his burna and then finishing them off with two swings of his chain-choppa.
"Gud werk. Les go find dis spiky."
###
"Wot da zog ..."
The dok shopp was a total mess. Equipment was strewn across the floor, suspicious looking fluids were spattered everywhere and a pair of baby squigs were chasing each other around the room. In the middle of the whole mess was a Turian in C-sec issue armour looking rather shellshocked and an Ork dok humming merrily as he compared two severed legs.
"Oi Spiky. Is you Garruz?"
"Um ... Yes?"
"Gud. Wot da zog 'appened 'ere?"
The dok was the one who answered.
"Buncha spikies came in 'ere wiv shootas, wantin' ta kno wot I did wiv da bukkit. Do yer fink if I put wun leg bakward on dis git 'e'll turn in a cirkle when 'e tries to walk?"
"Worf a try, I rekken. Wot's dis about a bukkit?"
"Rite. Sum bukkit came in wiv sum dakka in 'er arm. She paid gud fer me ta fix 'er up, at me keep all yer limms rate too. Sed she 'ad infermayshun on some spiky Spectur who went nuts, and sumfink to do wiv da Geff too, I dunno I wosn't lissnen. Anyways, she went ta sum squint called Fist ta sell da infermayshun ta da Shadow Brokka."
Garrus interrupted.
"That's a problem then. Fist betrayed the Shadow Broker, he works for Saren now."
"Ah zog. Dat bukkit's walkin' inta a trap den, and bringin' our proof wiv 'er."
"Well den, we shud go smash dat squint right kwik."
Garrus shook his head.
"Even for you three, that's going to be hard. Fist has a small army of mercs protecting him. There's a Krogan bounty hunter after Fist as well though, he could be useful."
"Gud. Krog-boys are dead killy. You's comin' too Garruz, you spikeys bring gud dakka."
"Uh, okay ..."
"Gud lad. Les go get dat Krog-boy. Ay Dok, let me kno 'ow da bakward leg fing works out."
"Will do."
###
"Do you want me to arrest you?"
"I want you to try."
"You shud giv it a go, I cud use a gud larf."
Finding himself between an enormous Krogan and an equally enormous Ork, the C-sec officer wisely withdrew, leaving the two titans to stare each other down.
"'Ello Krog-boy."
"Ork."
"Wurd is you's got teef on Fist's 'ead."
"What's it to you?"
"I's got some queschuns to ask dat squint, and dere's a lot of boys between us and 'im. So I tells you wot. If you's help us get to dat squint, you's welcome to 'is 'ead wunce I's got all da answas I need outta it."
"You're asking for my help?"
"I'll even let ya borro me choppa ta take 'is 'ead off."
"My people have a saying. Seek the enemy of your enemy and you will find a friend."
"Hur hur. My people gots a sayin' too. Not dat I can rekall exactly wot, but we's deffinately got wun."
"Hah! Now I remember why I like Orks."
###
"Wot a wimp."
Ash's blunt analysis of the cowering Batarian was surprisingly accurate. Despite his expensive armour and rifle, he hadn't even attempted to fight, instead merely hiding behind his desk while a pair of auto turrets did the dirty work. Except a well placed stikkbomm and a hail of dakka took them out within ten seconds, leaving the Batarian surrendering loudly and repeatedly.
"'E prolly turns down evry owwa on da owwa in case sumwun invades while 'e isn't lookin'."
"Rite den squint. I'd got some queschuns for ya, and you's betta be a help oddawise I's gonna give da say so to sumfink unplezzent. I's lookin' fer a bukkit. Da bukkit who came 'ere lookin' fer da Shadow Brokka, ta be presise."
"You mean the Quarian? I don't know where she is."
"Suks ta be you. 'And me da choppa."
"Waitwaitwait! I don't know where she is but I know where you can find her!"
"Kum on, I's an Ork and I kno dat sentens was squigshit."
"Shaddup Ash. Kontinue."
"The Quarian came in looking to trade intel for sanctuary. I sent her to a meet with the Shadow Broker."
"Impossible. The Shadow Broker never meets anyone in person. Even I was hired through an agent."
"I know that, but the Quarian didn't. When she shows up she'll meet with Saren's men instead of the Broker's."
"Where."
"In the alley behind the Markets."
"Fanks for dat. Krog-boy, you wanna use me choppa?"
In response Wrex raised his shotgun and blasted a hole in the Batarian's chest.
"That'll do, I think."
"Alrite, les go save da bukkit."
###
"Who are you?"
The five of them faced down the barrel of a tiny holdout pistol. Sheppurt fought the urge to laugh, although he did admire the Quarian's gumption in pointing a shoota at an Ork easily twice her height.
"I's Kommando Sheppurt. I's been told you's got proof dat Sarrun wos involved in da attak on Edun Da Furst Wun."
"Then I have a way to repay you for saving my life. But not here, we should go somewhere safe."
"The Orkish Embassy should be secure enough."
"Gud finking spiky, altho it duz kontain da Ambassadur Zoggin' Squigbrain."
"I still want ta smash dat git."
The journey up to the Ambassadur's office was largely silent, apart from Ash grumbling about how much he wanted to smash the Ambassadur. The urge only deepened when the mob entered the office.
"WOT DA ZOG IS YOU DOIN' SHEPPURT!"
"Nise to see you too Ambassadur."
"Shootin' up da wards, startin' a zoggin' Waaagh! in dat titty bar ... 'Oo's dis den?"
"Dis bukkit's got da proof we's need."
"My name is Tali. Tali'Zorah nar Rayya."
"Yeh, dat."
"Okays. You betta start at da beginnin', bukkit."
Sighing inwardly, Tali started to recite her story.
"I was on my Pilgrimage when I heard reports of Geth activity. I figured it was worth a look. Any intelligence on the Geth would be of immense use to the Migrant Fleet."
"Da wot?"
"Is a bunch of kroozers fulla bukkits, now shaddup."
"Anyway, I tracked a patrol of them and found one which was separated from the group. I disabled it and managed to get a couple of audio files from its data core before it self destructed."
She raised her Omnitool.
"Eden the First One was a major victory. The information on the beacon was incomplete but it represents a step closer to finding the Conduit."
"I think our next move should be to recover my daughter. Her expertise will help us find more clues to the way to return the Reapers."
There was silence for about a second, then five Orks started cheering at once.
"Hah! We's got 'im by da nuts now! Zogger's skrood!"
"'Old on a sek. Wot wos dat bit at da end?"
"Wot, da Reepers?"
"And da Kondooit."
"'Oo gives a zog. Da point is, we got 'im!"
Sheppurt clapped his hands.
"Okies den. I's take da bukkit and da spiky ta da Council ta giv dem da proof, an' da Krog-boy can go kerlect 'is teef. Kadun and Ash, take yer bitz bak ta da Normandy and I's see you dere."
###
"... return the Reapers."
"Dere you go, Council. Dat enuff proof for yer, or would you's like a signed confeshun?"
"The evidence is incontrovertible. Saren will be stripped of his position and a warrant will be issued for his arrest. All his assets and special access will be terminated."
"Dat ain't enuff and you kno it. 'E's prolly been plannin' 'is defecshun fer a wile. 'E'll 'ave plenty of dakka and teef 'idden away sumwhere, not ta mention an army of Geff. You's need ta send yer fleet in ta sekure da entire area."
"A fleet cannot track down one man. Besides, we don't want to provoke a war with the Terminus Systems."
"Why da zog you worried about da Termy Systums? Dey ain't got a tenf of da dakka you's got."
"There is a way to track Saren down that does not require fleets or armies."
"No! The Orks aren't ready for the responsibility!"
"Ahum, excuse me fer interruptin' but we's standin' rite here. You's get Sarrun's 'ead on a stikk, da Ambassadur gets 'is Orky Spectur, nobody gotta kill a grot. Is simpul."
The Councillors exchanged glances.
"Very well. Kommando Sheppurt, step forwards."
They took it in turns to read off the Spectre induction speech, and sensing the gravity of the moment Sheppurt managed to avoid yawning although the hastily repaired petitioner's podium did draw a slight snigger.
"Fanks Councillors. I's not gonna disappoint."
GLOSSARY
Krog-boy: Krogan.
Bukkit: Quarian.
Kroozer: Any fully artificial space construct, ranging from space worthy one Ork fighters to the Citadel itself.
Rok: Any space construct that incorporates asteroids into its hull. Ranges from small landing pods to the hundred kilometre across Arktoorus Big Boss Rok.
Squig: Small predatory animal used by Orks for everything from companionship to food to balls in several Orkish sports such as footsquig, krikket and toss da squig.
Squig Beer: 1. A common Orkish alcoholic beverage known to occasionally explode. (Grakka blew 'is 'ead off last nite wiv a dodgy squig beer, wot a larf.) 2. A soluble gel used as fuel for Ork burnas. (Oy, you got any spare squig beer kans? I wanna burn dat grot.) The two are actually the same substance, but the beverage is slightly more diluted than the flamethrower fuel.
Turn down: Orkish slang for surrendering. Origin of the Orkish warcry 'Turn down fer wot!' which is equivalent in sentiment to the Turian 'Victory or death!'
Nobody gotta kill a grot: Orkish phrase equivalent to 'everybody's happy'. Used to describe a win-win situation.
