Before

What … where is he? His whole body aches, like after Snoke disciplines him. Did he fail? Again? He feels the smooth floor of Snoke's hall and his eyes crack open to confirm his location. He's quite familiar with this gleaming surface. Then he senses ...

His eyes snap fully open to see … Hux? No, that doesn't make any sense. Rey, where is Rey?! Wait. She … she tried … oh Maker, no … she was going to try to kill him. Just like Unc- Skywalker. She'd … she'd … she'd …

Then he fully takes in Hux's expression and he knows he has to think fast. Snoke is dead. At his hand. No. Not at his hand. The girl. The girl did it. That's the story he'll tell. He suppresses a groan as he leaps to his feet.


He can barely think through the storm of rage propelling him forward. The girl. No one. Nothing. She dared reject him? He'd offered her everything and she'd bared her teeth and tried to kill him.

He's in his shuttle as they descend on Crait. The whispers of 'Supreme Leader Ren' had flown so fast. He wishes he could find satisfaction in his ascension. But all he can think of is how yet another person he lo-cares, cared about wanted to slice him through.

It's possible all his blood has been replaced with pure fury. He will end this. He will destroy everything his family built. Then he'll find Skywalker and take his head like he'd sought to take Kylo's own. This last remnant will put it all to rest. Finally to rest. He will move forward, create something new and true and lasting. He, Kylo Ren, will finally finish what Vader started.

Now

"I'm not talking to you. You'll disappear eventually," she says snidely when she pops in front of him as he's at his desk in his chambers. He'd done away with the ridiculous ostentation Snoke had preferred. No thrown or dais for Supreme Leader Ren.

"Fine, it's not as if I particularly wish to speak with you, either," he responds. He goes back to his map of the Jentesh system. But he can barely keep his eyes off of her. He tries to focus anywhere but her face, hoping she won't notice his regard.

His eyes land on her hands, stars, he can never stop imagining her hands. Twined with his. In his hair. On his body … he closes his eyes tightly, willing these thoughts—and her—away when he hears her growl.

Attempting to keep his expression placid, he meets her eyes. She's glaring at him like she had on Starkiller Base and he doesn't even try to suppress his snort. If she's going to just appear he certainly isn't going to bother to hide his scorn. His hurt …

"You think this is a game?" she shouts.

"Hardly," he says blandly.

"I know what you did on Crait," she accuses.

"That was days ago, why bring it up now?" he asks with a wave of his hand. He refuses to give in to the need to please her.

"Because there were other things to talk about last time. Like how you threw it all away. I'd never known I could …" She purses her lips and shakes her head. "No, I'm not getting sidetracked. Why couldn't you have just let them get away? How could less than a hundred people threaten the mighty First Order?" she asks sarcastically.

"The Resistance is the enemy. The First Order is not in the business of mercy." No quarter. No prisoners.

"You disgust me," she spits, her revulsion plain on her face.

He doesn't manage to suppress the flinch in time and he's suddenly filled with anger that she knows she scored a hit.

"Yes, well, you lied to me," he snarls.

"You led the attack! On your own mother!"

"Of course I did! I am the Supreme Leader," he bellows.

A sickened frown pulls at her lips. "Oh Ben … why? How could you do that to Leia?"

"I didn't know!" he bursts out.

"What?" she asks, her confusion plain.

"I didn't know she was there. I thought she was already dead. I thought she died on the Resistance cruiser. There, happy? Am I less of a monster now?" he sneers.

Bright pain blooms across her face and her eyes are … haunted. But before she responds, she's gone.

He flings his datapad across the room, not at all calmed by the shattering sound. He's breathing hard and he jumps up from his desk. He paces wildly back and forth.

How dare she! How dare she judge him. She's nothing. A nobody. What does she know about leading? This is war! She would have had a say if she'd just stayed …

And with that, the frantic energy flows out of him and he slumps back in his chair. His head falls forward into his hands and he is horrified to find his eyes stinging in frustration. Why does he still want her like this? What is wrong with him?

He's never been with a woman, never touched anyone outside of familial and platonic interactions. But this woman. This woman inflames him. Nights are full of tortured visions of heat and skin. Days are full of wrestling himself into a place of almost hate. But it always slides out of view, slipping through his fingers. Fingers that always itch to touch her.

What is he going to do?


"Supreme Leader," Hux says as he enters Kylo's chambers.

"What is it, Hux?"

"We've just had word. The Resistance has found allies with the Atalyns. They've been neutral up until this new development."

Atalyn, Outer Rim, of course. Fairly insular, peaceful society. It's an … odd direction for this conflict to take. But now he knows … he knows where she is. Godsdammit, why does he care?

"My understanding was that barely two dozen rebels survived. Is this a genuine threat?"

Hux blinks. "I would have assumed, given your … performance on Crait that you would desire to wipe them out completely. Sir."

He knows Hux is right. He should want to hunt the Resistance to extinction. He knows his history. The First Order rose because the Republic didn't have the stomach to eradicate the remnants of the Empire. He refuses to examine the source of his hesitance.

Not bothering to look up from his datapad, Kylo says, "Monitor the situation. Bring me details. Have they only provided shelter? Or are they growing? Rearming? I won't divert resources until we know it's a credible threat."

When his order is not met with acquiescence, Kylo looks up to find Hux standing stiffly with eyes narrowed.

Kylo raises his hand threateningly and Hux rushes to say, "Yes, sir!"

"And Skywalker? Any new leads?"

"No, nothing. Perhaps if we re-captured the girl-"

"Dismissed," Kylo says, cutting him off with a clipped tone. He knows if he had her truly in front of him … he can't finish the thought.

"But, sir, she knows-"

This time he does choke Hux. Hard.

"Dismissed," Kylo hisses.

Hux staggers from his chambers.


His eyes flutter closed as she trails her fingers along his cheek, leaving sparks of pleasure in their wake. Stars, when she touches him … he doesn't possess the words to explain what it does to him.

He pulls her to him, her body flush with his and he shudders from all of the contact. Nuzzling against her neck, he hums contentedly. Oh Rey …


Abruptly he wakes, sensing ... something. He looks around his bedroom quickly, finding Rey watching him, her eyes wide.

The light is low, and her face is framed in shadows. He's having trouble shaking the sensations from his dream. He'd just been holding her and he's not in any sort of state to do this right now. He loathes her. He tries to loathe her. But his dreams, they make him see the lies he tells himself and he's just not ready for this!

Burying all the soft feelings she inspires, he tries to make his expression cold. For one mad moment he longs for his mask. For years he hasn't had to concern himself with what his overly-expressive face conveys. He knows there's nothing he can do about his eyes and he hopes she hasn't learned his tells.

He throws off his blanket and stands in front of her. He suddenly remembers he's only in his sleeping pants and realizes he's partially hard from his dream. It's too late to hide. All he can manage is to hope she doesn't notice in the dim light. He won't draw attention to his embarrassing state by covering himself.

She's holding herself tightly and her eyes are still huge with something. It's not quite fear. Surprise, perhaps.

"What?" he asks shortly.

She looks away swiftly and he just manages to make out the blush staining her cheeks.

"What?" he repeats in exasperation.

Rey clears her throat and her eyes flit to his for just a moment. "My name. You … you murmured it in your sleep."

Oh for the love of … his dreams aren't even safe from her? Thank the Force he hadn't moaned it the way he had in his dream.

"And?" he challenges.

"I … just … why?"

"That's none of your business," he says shortly.

"It's my name!"

"And it was my dream. You have no right to anything about me, not after what you did."

She sighs deeply and closes her eyes, frowning. She stays like that for a long moment. When she opens her eyes, there is a naked pain that cuts him.

"I've been thinking about that. Trying to see it from your perspective. I … I see that you might have thought, when I reached for the lightsaber, that I was turning on you … betraying you."

He rushes towards her, towering over her smaller from. "You. Did," he snarls. Then he cocks his head. "You still wanted to kill me, after everything, what we felt … what I thought we felt …"

She shrinks away slightly, but holds her ground. She lifts her chin defiantly. "And what did you do? You made it impossible for me to stay with you! How do you think that made me feel? Power means more to you than what we … what we had." Her arms tighten around her torso and the anguish in her tone makes him want to find a way through all of this but he knows that's only folly.

"I've known you such a short time. You truly expected me to throw my entire purpose away, just like that?" He has to shake his head to clear away the sudden vision of being back with his mother, Rey by his side. He does not want that.

Rey's face crumples. "I … I'd never felt anything like how you make … made me feel. I thought … I thought ... Well obviously I was mistaken." Then she turns her back to him and he's absolutely gutted to see her shoulders shake. She's crying. He doesn't want that, but he'll be damned if he'll comfort her.

He'd never felt anything like how she makes him feel, either … but he can't tell her that. He won't give her one more inch. He has to find a way to make his heart cold to her. This is interminable.

Deciding to ignore her until she disappears, he goes back to his bed, laying down, turning away from her.

He wishes he couldn't hear her quiet sobs.


A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Next chapter up tomorrow! Please let me know what you think, it feeds the muse.