Today you asked me, after a considerable silence, (which I do hold accountable for the blank in my brain which meant that this question challenged me so much) "What did you do at the weekend?" and I was stumped, completely and utterly. What was I to say? My head spun with ideas and I briefly remember mumbling incoherently under your gaze.

What should I have said? ... For a moment I considered the truth

"Well, I was lying around moping most of Saturday, somewhat content to be doing nothing, but by about midday I started delving briefly into the art of insanity before dragging myself back to the world of the living, then endlessly repeating the process. This is all whilst, and possibly because, I was missing you and wishing we were still close. (Contrary to popular belief) L and myself are good friends and by the evening I was invited round to sleep over. At which point I had an emotional breakdown consisting of me deciding I wanted to go, and feeling astonished at my decision, then feeling as though even the act of being around another at the time that was previously allocated to you was an act of betrayal. Then I realised what a complete and utter idiot I was being in the eyes of anyone other than myself and resorted to accepting L's invitation at the cost of punishing myself (hahaha, everybody laugh to lighten the moment) for being so... stupid... and caring. I managed to get to L's without any major developments, at which point I discovered you had been lying to me about not being able to get in contact with me, this added to the fact you flat out denied what a certain text said almost made me break down once again. But that would have been undeniably unfair to my current companion, so I refrained. As previous experience has proven would happen, my anger towards you quickly dissipated and turned into annoyance at myself, which in turn make me text you something along the lines of "I miss you" to which you, predictably, didn't respond. The rest of the evening was pleasant enough, in fact my earlier worries were almost forgotten. But in the morning I arose to my thoughts, hours before L would awake and I was already leading myself down a dark path... because that's how I like to spend my time."

Then I realised how that would sound, not that I had, at any point, actually planned on saying it. That would have been social suicide, (haha) and to be honest I have literally no idea how you would have reacted. By this time of course you had moved on and that brief moment of utter turmoil for myself and mild uncertainty for you probably blended into your day, being forgotten, disregarded. But to me, that decision was yet another example of the path I choose oh so often, the one I feel forced to make. I must keep up appearances, I must believe one day it will be better, I must support everyone else. I must be someone else, an entirely different persona.

Perhaps one day it will go the other way.

-chuckles-

That was just one comment! Just one tiny comment, a miniscule slice of my life, and that is the level of thinking it entails. Sometimes I think it's nice to be intelligent, sometimes I agree wholeheartedly with the statement "Ignorance is bliss"