Thirty Ways to Annoy Merlin
A Guide from the Expert
ONE. If he ever asks where you're going, reply with, "Oh, you know, off to kill Uther, kidnap Arthur, pulverize Camelot until it's just dust. Is that a problem?"
TWO. Every time he tries to speak, cut him off, accuse him of being stupid, and throw him into the stocks. Continue this until he tries to murder you out of frustration.
THREE. Mimic Arthur's voice just behind him every time he uses magic: "Merlin, you idiot, what are you doing?" Laugh when he jumps in surprise.
FOUR. Refuse to be his friend, saying, "I know what happens to the people in your life!" Refer to Balinor, Freya, Gaius, Hunith, etc…
FIVE. Ask if he's watched any women sleep lately.
SIX. Ask if he's hidden under Arthur's bed lately.
SEVEN. Every time he speaks to Arthur, begin to giggle and say in an insinuating tone, "Oh, that could SO be misconstrued!"
EIGHT. Ask him if he can make you taller.
NINE. Tell him you're worried about him because he's hearing little boys' voices in his head—Say you want to send him "someplace they can help".
TEN. Accuse him of not being chivalrous… "What kind of gentleman would blow up as many women as you have?"
ELEVEN. Come up behind him and sing the theme song in his ear, really loudly.
TWELVE. If someone asks you anything that has to do with Merlin, find a way to add "His name…was Merlin!" into your answer. Every time.
THIRTEEN. Ask if he prefers to be called Merlin, Emyrs, or Idiot.
FOURTEEN. Then, ask if he has a multiple personality disorder.
FIFTEEN. Whenever he begins to get teary-eyed, tell him to man up, that real men don't cry. Point to Arthur as Exhibit A.
SIXTEEN. Tell him Arthur's hotter than he is.
SEVENTEEN. Insist he's jealous of Arthur and Gwen's relationship. Then tell Arthur that Merlin saw Gwen first and he wants her.
EIGHTEEN. Tell him that you don't find his dragon-lord voice sexy. In the least.
NINETEEN. Suggest all the explicit Merthur fanfictions for him to read, but don't tell him what they are. (Watch his face when he looks them up.)
TWENTY. When angry, call him "Bird-brain" and then say "Bird-brain? A merlin bird? GET IT?" (He never does.)
TWENTY-ONE. Ask if you can have a turn with 'the fairy wand' and blow up some Shee (or whatever they're called) yourself.
TWENTY-TWO. Tell him that YOU love his ears, even if every other female in Camelot thinks they're silly.
TWENTY-THREE. When he recites one of those lines that are definitely written just to encourage slash (you know the ones), shout "Stop it! Stop it! Stop encouraging this!" Press your hands over your ears and refuse to listen to him for the rest of the day.
TWENTY-FOUR: Agree with Arthur all the time. Tell Merlin he's wrong. (Nothing bugs him so much.)
TWENTY-FIVE: When dark magic rears its ugly head, run to Gaius screaming in a falsetto, "Gaius! Gaius! Magic's attacking! What can we do? Should we cry? Should we have a long philosophical discussion about the dangers involved and how careful we need to be? Should we get loved ones killed? I need your help for every little plan I come up with, Gaius! Tell me what to do so I can ignore you and nearly die again!"
TWENTY-SIX: Say "destiny, schmestiny" in a disparaging tone quite often.
TWENTY-SEVEN. After 26, say, "You bore me; I'm going to the tavern. You can't come, Merlin; you're too young."
TWENTY-EIGHT: After the day is saved (preferably with a long, grueling battle), say, "Psh! That's all there is to it? Looks easy, Merlin. Don't see what you're always complaining about!"
TWENTY-NINE. Refer to him as "Arthur's pet" or "Arthur's follower". For added effect, yap at him or pat him on the head with little "good doggies" in a baby voice.
THIRTY. Tell him you're going hunting for a few days for very dangerous magical creatures that would as soon kill him as look at him. It breathes fire and poison. Its claws are also coated with a poison that kills you slowly over the course of a few weeks. (No cure, naturally.) Then add: "And guess what, Merlin? You are the only person in the group who's not going to wear ANY armor OR carry a weapon! Doesn't that sound FUN?"
A/N: This was really hard! Merlin isn't a hypocrite like Uther or a silly doofus (funny word!) like Arthur, and most of the things I can make fun of are all SLASH! It's very hard to tease him otherwise. And that's against the rules, slashing in a no slash story. (Especially since I don't do slash.) So it wasn't as good as Uther's. Hopefully Arthur's will be better. Please review and tell me what you thought. Which ones did you like?
By the way, since I don't know when I'll post again or when I'm going to stop writing this, I'm leaving it as Complete.
