bang, bang, kiss, kiss

By: piperholmes

A/N: at the end of the chapter

unbeta'd


Amanda was never very good at waiting.

The biggest problem for her was that waiting meant anxiety. When she was little she'd sat up late into the night waiting for her mother to come home from one of her drinking binges. She'd sit on the couch, Kim curled up asleep next to her, watching the clock, fearing her mother wasn't going to come home this time, worrying about how she was going to be awake enough for school the next day, fearing she'd be separated from her sister if someone found out about what was going on, helpless to do anything but just sit and wait.

It was a hard association to break.

And now she was waiting.

The hospital was bright and loud and smelled of lemon cleaner, plastic and stale coffee, and Amanda sat trying not to chew on her bottom lip. Liv stood at the window, her cellphone to her ear—a distraction Amanda wasn't afforded.

Fin had gone to the station, his gun being the one used to kill the suspect. He had a long night ahead of him, and she regretted she wasn't there with him to lend support. Killing a suspect was never like it was portrayed on TV, where it's automatically ruled a "good shoot" and the episode ends with the squad getting drinks together. It was a lot of questions, a lot of paperwork, a lot of investigating, and a lot of following procedure. She knew she'd have her own paperwork to fill out, but as soon as the ambulance had taken off for the hospital Liv had snapped at her to get the car, and Amanda had been grateful.

The ride to the hospital had been a silent one for Amanda, her attention focused on following the ambulance, but Liv's phone had been glued to her ear, calling Barba, Chief Dodds and a few other higher-ups, until finally she asked Amanda if she had Sonny's mother's number.

Her stomach had clench, but she'd shook her head, answering, "I don't, but I have his sister's. Carisi insisted on programming it in my phone in case I wanted to talk to her, you know, about baby things."

Liv had given her a small, sad smile.

That was Carisi. He wasn't always the most tactful, but his heart was in the right place. He never hesitated to do for a friend.

The thought that he might be gone…

Waiting

Anxiety

More Waiting

She was glad she didn't have to make the call, but immediately felt guilty at the thought. She didn't know why though. It wasn't her job, it was Liv's, it wasn't her place professionally to call his next of kin and there was no doubt Liv would handle it, but still, part of her was ashamed at her relief.

Despite the late hour, Liv had managed to reach his parents and Amanda had listened, let her CO's calm, assuring voice affect her. She didn't know exactly what she had expected from Sonny's mother, but was surprised at the quiet. The phone call had been brief, but it was clear it had affected Liv, her eyes down as she'd ended the call. Once they'd arrived at the hospital they'd been shuffled into the waiting room with promises of updates. The last they'd been told was he was rushed to surgery, and that had been over an hour ago.

With a frustrated sigh she stood and stretched, her body and mind exhausted, compounded by the sleepless nights spent begging Jesse to go back to sleep. A loud noise sounded, at least to Amanda it was loud. She'd been sitting in the silence of her own head for too long. Turning she saw a group of women crowding near reception—all tall, all blonde.

She recognized them immediately.

Her stomach rolled and she felt suddenly nervous and unsure.

She felt the loose strands of her hair tickle her cheek when Liv brushed passed her, heading towards the women, clearly seeing the family resemblance as easily as Amanda had.

"Mr and Mrs. Carisi?"

And for the first time Amanda noticed the tall, thin man that stood outside the circle of women. Her eyes widened some in surprise. It was like looking into a crystal ball, she was looking at Sonny but 30 years down the road.

The man stood quietly, giving Liv an acknowledging nod, his eyes red, but his face open, welcoming. The older woman hastened toward Liv, her hands outstretched, tears on her cheeks.

She clasped Liv's hands in her own. "Oh please, Lieutenant Benson, please tell us, how is he? How's my baby boy?"

The other women, who had to be Carisi's sisters, immediately began voicing their own questions, all speaking over each other.

Liv's years of experience once again asserted themselves and she deftly quieted them, immediately assuring them that their son and brother were in good hands.

Amanda had heard those words before, had said those words, but just as they did then they sounded hollow, but Mr. Carisi quickly put his arm around his wife, his daughters all reaching out to their mother.

"You hear Ma? He's going to be fine."

"There's no way Sonny will skip out on being everyone's favorite uncle, Ma. We all know he's too stubborn for that."

Amanda could only watch as Carisi's family turned to each other, their arms wrapping tightly together, building and holding each other up. She felt a little uncomfortable with the notion, but also, deep inside where that terrified girl still lived, she felt envious.

"Oh, Amanda! You're Amanda aren't you?"

Rollins blinked, startled to hear her name, but before she had time to answer, Mrs. Carisi was barreling towards her, the rest of the family in tow.

"Of course you are, I recognize you from the photos Sonny has shown us of you and your little girl. She's beautiful, just like her momma," the matriarch said, and not pausing continued on, her hands now holding one of Amanda's tightly. "You're such a good friend to Sonny. Were you with him when he…when he got hurt?"

Her eyes again filled with tears, a paler blue than Carisi's, but still just as intense.

Amanda looked at them, five faces all looking to her, desperate for some hope to cling to. She felt overwhelmed.

"Ma, give the girl a chance to speak before bombarding her will ya?" one of the sisters spoke. "Teresa, Sonny's sister," she said by way of introduction. "And that's Gina and Bella."

"It is nice to finally meet you," Bella spoke up. "Though I wish it had been under better circumstances."

An awkwardness spread following her words, one Amanda suddenly felt desperate to dispel. "I…ah…I'm glad to meet you all. Cari-uh-Sonny talks about you all. He…uh…I was with him and his first thought was of his family, especially…" she hesitated, not certain how her words would be received. Would it help or make things worse?

She took a deep breath, meeting Mrs. Carisi's gaze, "especially his mother."

The tears that had been pooling in the corner of her eyes finally found release as she squeezed them shut tightly and Amanda felt a familiar guilt press against her chest. She shouldn't have opened her mouth. She didn't know how a family worked.

Mrs. Carisi tugged the hand she still had clutched tightly between her own, pulling Amanda towards her then wrapping her in a tight hug.

"Oh thank you," she wept. "Thank you for being with him and for telling us."

Amanda stood stiffly in her embrace, unsure how to respond, before relaxing enough to lift her own arms, giving the taller woman what reassurance she could. Carisi's father gave her a watery smile, the creases on his face testament to how easily a smile came to his lips, just like his son's.

Finally Mrs. Carisi cleared her throat, pulling back, taking a large white handkerchief out of her pocket and blew her nose loudly before offering an apologetic smile.

"Now, Gina dear, you and Bella go find some decent coffee. We're going to need some fortification tonight I think."

"Yeah, alright Ma," Gina answered, pulling Bella away with her. "But you call or text if you hear something."

Mrs. Carisi nodded in a way that mother's do to appease pestering children, before once again grabbing Amanda's hand, pulling her down to sit next to her on the touch leather chairs.

"Now Amanda, I'm going to pray for our Sonny, but Sonny's told me you're not very religious so I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. I'm just going to sit here quiet and pray, but I hope you feel comfortable enough to sit with us?"

Amanda wasn't religious. She didn't know if she believed in God, or rather she didn't know if she even cared. Who was God to her? Where was He when Amanda had been desperate for help? But she knew what it meant to Sonny and his family.

"I wouldn't mind that."

Teresa sat next to her, taking her other hand, another easy smile.

"Lieutenant Oliva, would you like to join us?" Mrs. Carisi asked.

And Liv didn't hesistate. "Of course, thank you."

The women joined hands, followed quickly by Mr. Carisi.

With heads bowed they waited, lips moving in silent supplication.

Waiting.

But this time not alone.

Not alone.

She waited to feel uncomfortable.

She waited to feel the anxiety.

Instead her fingers tightened their hold.

Please let him be alright.

to be continued...

Thanks for reading!

So this story is going to be a bit long because I really want to explore how Amanda and Sonny could work, how their deepening friendship can can turn romantic and how their strengths can help each other. So it's a slow burn. Sorry no #rollisi interaction this chapter. I promise something in the next one. Thank you for those who are reading and reviewing! It's very much appreciated!