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Lorraine POV
This is the fifth time today I have just sat in the toilets and cried. I feel so pathetic. Mascara smearing down my cheeks, mercilessly dragged by my tears. I feel like a tree just purposelessly there in the middle of the ocean waiting for someone to just cut me down. I've felt terrible ever since I ended it with her and I feel like a hole has been shot through my heart- multiple times. Mum forgetting me has made me realise just how important relationships are, and Josh putting Tom before anything else. If only I'd realised this before I told Nikki that it was "fun while it lasted" or whatever nonsense I had said maybe my life wouldn't be so wretched as it is now. 'Money isn't everything' they told me. Of course I didn't listen, with a huge fortune and a successful career ahead I just laughed and responded 'everything is money'. My life seemed so put together then, so organised and perfect. I still can't figure out if it was the fact that I entered a relationship in the first place that mucked things up or whether it's the fact that I got my priorities completely wrong.
I don't regret trying to make things up with her- how can I? At least I tried. I can't blame her though really. She has her guard up, I can understand why. Who would want to get back together with someone like me who can't express emotion and puts pay checks before everything? I still don't know If I love her but all I know is that I'm on the verge of tears every time I roll over in bed and she isn't there; when I make coffee in the morning but one mug stays empty. I have never cried as much in my whole life as I have done this past week. I guess Sonya's been there for me but I she can't help me get mum or Nikki back. Obviously I know there's no hope with mum- I lost her a long time ago: expecting money for her care to replace me. I can send my love with Sonya I suppose; Son deserves it really- always feeling second best to everyone. I had no idea she felt like that- I'd always seen her as upbeat and contented with everything. To be honest I'd rather be her than myself at the moment, she isn't so emotionally stunted when it comes to relationships. What did I expect though really, trying to apologise to Nikki after breaking up with her harshly only a couple of hours before. I've been an idiot and made a pig of my life. All I want is her toned body close to mine, breathtakingly close so that I can hear her breathing and know I have a purpose.
Nikki POV
Another day brooding alone in the pub nursing a pint. I'm driving home alone again in my car- my insides are tangled like tree roots and I feel like I'm gasping for air. I don't want to put my heart on the line for Lorraine, this isn't a joke for me- I loved her. I probably still do but who can tell anyomre. It's all a mess. I quickly grab a cigarette out of my bag and light it deftly with one hand whilst placing it in my dry mouth – I take a long drag, being careful to keep my eyes on the road. A cigarette can't replace her kisses I think to myself. What does it matter anyway. I was the one who ended it with her, saying that I didn't want to be her experiment; her puppet. What have I done? I've just lost my girlfriend, my friend, the one person I could be completely myself around. What makes the situation all the more awkward Is that she is my boss, and Michael and Sonya know so there's no chance of avoiding her or the debris left behind. Well at least one positive thing came of it all- Lorraine doesn't have to be a hypocrite anymore- It isn't even funny but I let out a sharp, sarcastic laugh. I laugh to hide the tears. Finally I arrive home and sink into my sofa, I feels so alone and I just want to curl up and cry. I'm too strong for this I think, "can't let a break up ruin me" I whisper- not sure who I'm whispering to. Who am I trying to fool? I feel heartbroken as if somebody had literally wrenched out my interna organs and stopped m breathing but I know I have no chance with her now. I turn on the TV to distract myself. It doesn't work, it's all just a blur. Faint noises in the background eup my brain even more. I notice that 'Friends' is on; my favourite. I turn my attention to it in a hopeless attempt to cheer myself up but it's the episode I watched with her last Friday night. With a lone tear falling slowly down my face and landing ever so gently in the corner of my mouth I throw the remote down onto the ground, running a hand through my hair and making a choking noise at the back of my throat. I brush the tear from my face roughly as if it burns. I should call her. I reach for my phone left carelessly on the ground- my hand shakes but I finally manage to pick it up. I scroll through my contacts and reach the familiar name; the most important name in my contacts recently. My hand trembles as I go to send a text making everything okay. Tell her I am sorry and we can talk through it and confess I still love her, because I do.
"I love you, I'm sorry babe" is what I try and type but all I see on the screen is a jumble of letters- effortlessly mirroring my emotions and thoughts. I sigh and throw my phone with all my power at the TV- still showing the characters from 'Friends' smiling and living their less pathetic lives. I have no chance with her now. A crushing pain pushes down within me and I sink hopelessly against a wall. Slowly sinking until I am an insignificant foetus on the ground. Where did it all go wrong? I don't even have the strength to get a beer from the fridge and drown my sorrows, I just sit here and stare into nothing, I don't even think about anything- not even her. It's just nothing.
