RESIDENT EVILNESS 4


Rated M for "Mega Awesome". A crackfic by Cataclyptic. This story contains nothing except sheer insanity. You have been warned…


Chapter 2: HEHEHEH!

Luis awoke to the strangest thing he had ever heard. It started like this:

"My name is Leon S. Kennedy, and my Mexican friend and I have been captured by the evil Mexicans. One of them, the most gorgeous man alive, happens to be my enemy. I tried kicking him but he knew how to block it.

In retrospect that was a stupid move- I should have punched him instead.

Because of my folly, here I am tied with Luis to a pole, not knowing what our fate might be…"

"What are you doing?" the Spaniard tied next to him asked.

"Narrating my life." Leon answered.

"Oh. Okay." Luis shrugged "How do you feel?"

"I feel awful." admitted the blonde American, "It's like… someone shoved something big up my ass…"

"Ouch…" cringed the black haired Spaniard, who had personal experience with that.

"Say, have you seen this girl anywhere?" Leon, with his limited hand movement, slid a picture of a blonde haired teenager to his prison mate. Luis looked at the picture.

"Let me guess… the President's daughter?"

"That's too good for a guess." Leon narrowed his eyes, "What's your secret?"

"Psychic powers…" he replied mysteriously. Leon simply looked at him with skepticism. "You don't believe me, do you?"

"No." Leon rolled his eyes.

"Well then watch this." the rope that tied them began to loosen by itself, until Leon and Luis were free. The rope levitated in the air for a little bit, and then Luis told it to drop to the floor.

Leon was spellbound "DUDE! THAT WAS FRICKIN' AWESOME!"

"I'm a Spanish superhero!" said Luis, getting into costume, my name is Captain Mexico! Come, I'll use my powers to save the day!"

"Leon?" Luis questioned, "I said I was joking about the whole psychic thing. Leon?"

"That would be awesome…" Leon fantasized. He snapped back to reality, "Huh? What?"

"I said… oh crap!"

"Why would you-" Leon looked up and saw a zombie with an axe. "Don't worry, I'm sure he'll be a dumbass and split down the middle, freeing us."

"Leon, let's be realistic here." his friend replied, "What are the odds of him doing that?"

The zombie brought down the axe and it only cut their rope. Leon shot it dead until it died. And then Leon shot him again for good measure.

"Word of advice…" the blonde haired agent pulled a pair of shades, "Don't bring a cliché to a gunfight."

However, Luis was gone. "Maybe he had to take a dump or something." was Leon's explanation. Shrugging, he decided to get out of the house he was in since the floral pattern bothered him. In no time he found the front door and opened it where a man dressed in purple stared right back at him.

"Ello, Stranger!" said the man, gazing at Leon in the most lustful/creepy way imaginable.

"Uh…who are you?"

"Got somthin' that might interest ya! HEHEHEH!" the man replied, opening his coat to reveal an assortment of deadly weapons that Leon could buy.

"DUDE PUT ON SOME FREAKING PANTS!" Leon turned away, "AND UNDERWEAR WHILE YOUR AT IT!"

"Oops! Sorry Stranger, forgot to put me pants on after las' night… HEHEHEH!" the stranger opened his clothes again. Without the merchant's shlong to get in the way, Leon could concentrate on the firepower.

"Ooh, a rifle." said Leon, somehow pulling an entire rifle out of the man's cloak "Thanks!" he said, paying the man and putting some ammo in it.

"Until next time me friend! HEHEHEH!"

When Leon was out of earshot, he remarked that the man had a scary laugh…peeking out the gates, he found himself in a new location, and surrounded by a village of zombies. Luckily, the zombies did not know Leon was there yet.

"I know!" Leon said, "I'll fire a shot at the church bell to distract them."

Using his newfound rifle, Leon shot the church bell from 1000 meters because he's that F***ING AWESOME. The good news is, it worked, all the zombies heard and scrambled to their church. The bad news was…

"Oh SH*T!" Leon smacked himself. "Now there are even MOAR zombies in the church!"

He cursed himself, because now there must be hundreds of zombies within the institution.


"Grah.(It's cramped in here)" remarked one zombie in the church.

"Grah. (Indeed my compatriot, but at least it can't get any worse)." said the zombie next to him. Suddenly they heard the sounds of a thousand more zombies coming in.

"GRAH! (OH SH*T!)"


Leon was angry with himself, but decided the past was the past, and shoved the door open, eventually leading to another area with a huge mansion.

"Ooh." Leon grinned, "LOOTING TIME!"

Leon snuck into the house and looted several cases of ammo, a bag of chips, and the key for the tunnel leading to the church. Unfortunately as he found the key, the village chief Mendez found him and grabbed him by the throat.

"What the hell are you doing robber!?" demanded the chief. Leon gargled. "Speak up!" Leon gasped for air, "Well!? Are you going to tell me or not?"

Chief Mendez was shot in the back with a rocket launcher. The chief was shot through the building, making a chief sized indent upon the wall, and blasted off to who knows where, just like Team Rocket!

"Ourgh…" Leon got back up, "Huh… where'd that rocket come from?"

Ada stood on the roof, looking like a badass, a scowl upon her lips "No one touches Leon perversely except me!"

Her breasts vibrated. Ada picked up the phone "Yeah?"

"Ada." Wesker began, "Did you perhaps save Leon just now?"

"UHHH…" Ada said nervously, "No."

"I can tell when you're lying." Wesker continued, "You will kill him."

"I know just… not yet!" Ada said defensively.

"Whatever. I'm giving you a new task: KILL THAT BASTARD SADDLER AT ALL COSTS."

"You seem angrier than usual…" the woman in red was surprised.

"I just received new Intel…" Wesker said dramatically, "The little f**ker lied when he said he forgot to feed my fish and it died…

Ada, the bastard STOLE my pet goldfish!"


"Yes!" Leon shouted. Using the key he found, he went through a large chasm (where strangely he met that one weird guy again) and when he came out, the church was right in front of him! And that was where Ashley was!

And all those thousands of zombies he sent!

"WELL F*** MY LIFE." Leon S. Kennedy smacked himself. How the hell was he supposed to kill a thousand zombies!? As much of a badass as he was, guns needed to be reloading, damnit!

"Wait." he had an idea, "I know… I'll just move them somewhere else! Aha! I'll ring the church bell!"

Using his newfound rifle, Leon put in a few bullets and shot the bell from a 10,000 meters even though he was about twenty feet away from the church. BECAUSE HE'S THAT F**KING AWESOME!

Leon hid himself in a small shack and waited. Unfortunately, he forgot that whenever you rang the church bell, people tended to congregate towards the church. And thus, more zombies walked passed Leon and went inside it.


The zombies were packed tighter than sardines. It was like a human meat packing plant- except more religious.

"Grah! (My word, it is suitably packed in here is it not?)"remarked a zombie with what little breathing room he had left.

"Grah. (Well, at least it can't get any worse)"

And then they heard more footsteps and even more people came in.

"GRAH! (GODDAMNIT FRED!)"


"Goddamnit." Leon cursed, "And I suppose there isn't another convenient bell I could ring!?"

Leon shot a crow. It did not make a ringing sound "Sh*t. Well, I guess I'd better stock up on ammo…"

Leon looked right. There was another path that led to what appeared to be a lake, but there was a sign next to the road. It read: "NO SE PERMITE. DEL LAGO, UNA PISCA GIGANTE ESTA AQUI."And then a skull and crossbones was drawn on it.

"Shoot, I can't read Mexican!" Luckily, Leon had an idea. He phoned Hunnigan, his plot device.

"Whatcha need?" she said on the other end.

"A translation." Leon uploaded the picture to Hunnigan.

"One moment please." Hunnigan scanned the picture and gave it to a five year old, telling him to translate it. The five year old drew a picture of an ice cream truck.

"Leon, the sign says there is ice cream at the end."

"Hell yeah!" grinned the American. Leon ran as fast as he could down the path, calling out for the delicious delectable ice cream. Eventually, he found a giant wooden door, with the same sign plastered onto it. Oh, and the merchant too.

"Fancy meeting you 'ere, Stranger. HEHEHEH."

"Dude, stop stalking me!" cried Leon, shoving the merchant out of his way.

"Wait stranger! Got something' that might interest ya'! HEHEHEH !" said the merchant. Leon sighed. "I swear to God, if I turn around and you don't have pants on…"

Leon hesitantly turned around. The merchant was wearing pants. "BUT NO UNDAWEAR HEHEHEH!"

"Urg…" Leon bought some instant healing sprays and headed through the gates. There, he saw to his bewilderment, a carnival! There were rollar coasters, ferris wheels, cotton candy stands, everything one could ask for.

"Awesome!"

"Hello there stranger!" said a friendly looking man, who happened to be the manager "Are you a zombie?"

"Let me check." Leon paused. He went back and bit off the merchant's hand. The merchant screamed in pain, but Leon did not find his hand tasty at all. "Nope, not a zombie!"

"In that case welcome to our carnival! Would you like to buy a ticket?"

"No thanks." said Leon, frowning "I'd love to… but I have to get some ammo to kill zombies with. And rescue the president's daughter. And catch all the Pokemon on my Soulsilver cartridge."

"Suit yourself." shrugged the man, "But you might want to be back by 10:00, because we're showcasing Andre the giant!"

"Ooh. Okay, I'll be back!" Leon promised, exiting the carnival.

Meanwhile, watching all of this from the Ferris wheel was none other than Ada Wong, perversely staring at Leon using high tech binoculars. Unfortunately her boobs rang.

"Ada! We have a location on my pet goldfish, Mr. Fluffy!" said Wesker.

"…I'm not even going to question that name…" Ada sipped some soda, "Where?"

"It's in Saddler's lake next to the village. I need you to pick it up for me."

"How the freaking hell am I supposed to find a goldfish in an entire lake!?" questioned the Chinese assassin. Wesker looked at her sternly.

"Do not worry. My fish is very unique. You'll see him immediately."

"Unique how?"

"He's fifty feet long, has a myriad of tentacles, sharp teeth and gets angered easily."

Ada Wong paused "WHAT THE F-"


"Oh boy, a lake!" said Leon. A sinister bellow was heard from the lake "I'm going to go fishing!"

Leon tried to shoot the fish in the water with his gun. He eventually caught several dead Pokemon, but then noticed a dark shadow in the water. "What is…?"

And then Leon was eaten by a fifty foot long tentacled sharp toothed fish. Who was angry at him.

Leon was shoved down its thought and into its digestive tract, which conveniently was a wide open space with plenty of air that did not even try to digest him. Biology? What's that!

"Fric, now I am trapped in the belly of a whale." sighed the American "How can I get out of this situation!?"

"Hello there!" said a small wooden puppet with a large nose, "I finally have a new roommate!"

"AAGH DIE WOOD ZOMBIE!" Leon shot the wooden man until it was dead. Well… deader. Holy sh*t my autocorrect didn't turn on when I typed "deader". What. The. Crap.

"How to escape this whale…?" Leon asked himself. He imagined the glorious Captain Mexico coming to save him, but sadly this did not happen. Thus, he had to go with plan B: using science to help him.

Picking up a biology book, Leon read that whales ate plankton. Using this newfound knowledge, Leon chucked ten grenades down its digestive tract and blew it the f*** up. He swam to shore, the whale dead.

"Ah, good old science." Leon smirked. He ran away to find the ice cream.