There are definite triggers in the rest of this story. Discussion of suicide, self-harm and depression are going to be in this story, also getting trapped in tight places, chased by a psycho baddie. If you cannot handle it, please, please do not read. This story is dedicated to my best friend Cassie, who is very much like Ash. And yes, Ash is on her best behavior but she isn't a wild child. Just a hurting one. So don't expect crazy shenanigans and violent outbursts (although there will be a few). Most of her pain is inside. This story also shows how Captain Hank cares very much for her, but even he cannot see what is going on in her head. Also, Roy has a baby girl in the TV series, but she is never named. In this story, I have named her Olivia, also one of my besties.

This story is going to be a slow mover; I've got a lot of ground to cover. Also, forgive me for any noticeable lacking in medical/rescue scenes. I am not good at those, and this story is centering on our paramedics, Ash, and Captain Hank. Sorry!

Please review you guys! This story got a lot of views before and I am so appreciative of that! But please let me know what you think!

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Roy followed his captain out to the engine bay, Johnny close behind him. Captain Hank motioned for them all to sit down. Ash sat down on the tail of the squad, while Johnny and Roy propped against the wall. Cap sat down on the tool chest. "Okay, Ash, As you know, we are headed to Colorado on the weekend. During that time, these two men are going to be your doctor, your friends, your psychologists - from now on. If anything happens, anything at all, you go to them. We are still running a firehouse here for the rest of our shift and they do have tasks to complete as will you. After the ski trip we will see how you feel. Might be able to get you a job at Rampart. I know that the last few months have been hard on you but this whole station is now family. We all care about you. The other guys are sort of big brothers. Johnny and Roy here," Hank hesitated. "Well, Johnny is the really annoying big brother and Roy is the surrogate dad. You can talk to them anytime. We are all gonna be one big happy family on this trip and I expect there won't be any problems."

Ash smiled at him, a smile on her face that did not reach her eyes. "Thank you, Hank. And thank you Johnny, and Roy."

Johnny appeared slightly miffed at his Captain, but he remembered all the times that his hard headed thinking had gotten him in trouble and he said nothing to counter the older man's remarks. He nodded at Ash. "No worries, Ash. We want you to be happy while you are with us. Anything you need? Just let us know."

She nodded tensely. "Yes, sir." She cast a dark look at Hank. "Have you talked to them - "

Hank leaned forward and propped his elbows on his knees. "Not about what happened. They know yes, that you are - troubled."

An expression of annoyance crossed her face, and she stood to her feet. "You did what? So what is this? Am I staying here to go on a trip or am I just being babysat by a bunch of firemen?"

Cap gazed up at her with the stern look that Johnny knew all too well. It was the look he got thrown at him when Cap ordered him out of a situation and he didn't listen. Johnny cringed. This wasn't going to go well.

"Ash," Captain Hank began, his tone kind but his face aggravated. "You almost died. Your case worker wanted to put you in a special hospital for people that - struggle."
She looked down at him, and her whole body stiffened. "They what?"

Cap sighed and held up a hand. "Here, sit down." He looked tired already.

She didn't take his hand, but she sat down. He let his hand drop. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you that. But they were worried next time, you wouldn't be so lucky."

She frowned. "You mean unlucky."

He half turned to face her. "What?"

She shook her head fiercely. "Look, I didn't want to live okay?"

Cap crossed his arms. "Now since when was that your decision to make?"

Ash shrugged, but didn't say anything else, keeping her gaze on the concrete floor.

Cap rubbed his face with his hands. "Look, Ash, they are not here to correct you. They are not here to 'keep an eye' on you, although I have asked them too. I just didn't want the case worker to send you away, so I took complete responsibility of you. We were already scheduled to go on this trip, and Nancy is out of town, and I had nowhere to put you till I got back. I had to jump through a lot of hoops to get permission from HQ for you to stay here until I got off work." (I know this is not standard protocol, its fanfiction.)

She kept her eyes on the floor, twisting her hands. In the silent moment that followed, Roy and Johnny and their captain held a very quick eye conversation. These men had worked together for so long that mere glances could speak volumes. Both paramedics could tell that their Captain did not know all of the details of what had led up to his sister's mental breakdown and desperately wanted to know. But she was still in too raw of a state to explain any of it. In the meantime, she was using anger to shield old wounds.

Johnny had experienced similar feelings before, having quite the past himself. (His story is told elsewhere.) He nodded a bit, to himself, and then spoke. "Hey, Ash, now that it's one for one with me and Chet, do you want to help me make it two to one?"

Ash raised her head, and smiled stiffly at him. A glint of mischievousness shone in her eyes. "You really want my help?" she asked.

Johnny ignored the tears she quickly brushed away. "Yeah, I mean this guy just doesn't let up. He just keeps annoying the life-"

Captain Hank held up a hand. "Hold it there, Pal. Before you guys start any fights, let's get Ash some dry clothes and settled in. I have part of the rec room made into a place for her, and it's no guys allowed after 9 pm. I am sure you gentlemen wouldn't mind for tonight?"

Roy shook his head and finally spoke. "No, Cap not at all." His voice was quiet and very calm. Ash glanced at him, and was rewarded with a kind smile. "Hey, Ash, maybe before we fly out, would you like to visit my wife and kids? I have a son, Chris and a baby girl, Olivia. Joanne is driving us all to the airport anyway."

Ash nodded quickly. "I would like that, thank you." Her gaze returned to the floor. There was something about Roy. She could argue with Cap, sort of, and Johnny, but there was something about Roy that she couldn't argue with. She knew he would find out everything about her. Something about him reminded her of her dad. He could always tell when something wasn't right. She wasn't sure if that was comforting or not.

Hank nodded his thanks to both men for turning the situation around, and stood. "Come along, Ash. Let's get your suitcase. Johnny will show you where the Rec room is. Roy, can you check the tone box? We usually we get a call or two before now, but it seems to be very quiet today."

The little group scattered. Ash followed Johnny to the firehouse rec room. He motioned toward the comfy leather couch. "Here's your little den, princess. You actually might find a pea under those cushions, though because sometimes we eat in here and if Chet is cooking…"

She laughed shortly and took her suitcase from his hand. "Okay thanks, Johnny. It's okay. You don't have to be nice to me and all that."

Johnny cocked his head. "I'm not. This is just me. My and Roy, we just are - us. You can always count on a friend in the two of us."

She turned away. "You guys just want to know what happened." She threw her suitcase onto the couch and whirled to face him. "Well, I'm not gonna tell anyone. No matter what happens." Her voice took on an argumentative tone and her face indicated she was not going to be argued with.

Johnny sighed and held up his hands. "Look, kid. I really don't wanna know. I went through hell during my own childhood and I sure as shooting didn't want to talk about it to anyone either."

He set about moving the table over to the other side of the room, making more room for her, hanging up the guy's jackets that should have been on the coat rack, and rearranging the pictures on the shelves. "Man, I didn't think anyone could possibly understand what I was going through back then. It was like a dragon was shut up inside me. I wasn't myself, I became a survivor. I never understood how one can actually be a dead man walking until I got older and looked back at all that happened and then I finally understood. Didn't make me feel any better, but I understood."

He hoped his non-committal attitude would snap her out of her down demeanor. If she didn't think he wanted to know anything, maybe she would become desperate to tell him anyway. That was always how it worked.

He turned to look at Ash, who had been silent during his 'tirade.' She sat on the couch, open suitcase beside her. Her hands were twisting together again, a motion that seemed to be indicative of nervousness.

Johnny sighed and pulled a chair over to sit in front of her. "Hey." He reached out and tapped her knee. "Hey, I'm sorry."

Ash looked up at him, her eyes haunted and teary. "You do understand?" She asked quietly.

Johnny hesitated, and then nodded. "Well, yeah. I've had a lot of time to think about it."

"Johnny," she whispered. "Promise me you'll never tell. Not even Hank?"

Johnny squirmed uncomfortably, feeling like a kid again. "Ah, well, Ash, he's your brother, and -and my Captain. I can't-"

Ash grabbed his hand. "But don't you see, Johnny, that's just it."

At that moment, the tones began to sound throughout the quiet firehouse. Johnny looked torn for a moment. "Sorry, kiddo, got to run. We will pick this up when I get back." He patted her knee and bolted.

Ash nodded to herself as she watched him run from the room. "Yeah, sure Johnny, whatever."

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Roy and Hank watched Johnny walk away toward the rec room with Ash.

"Cap, I uhm, I hope that was okay-"Roy started to speak, concern furrowing his brow above worried blue eyes.

Hank clapped a hand on his shoulder. "No problem, Roy. I appreciate it. We weren't getting anywhere fast."

Roy put his hands on his hips and leaned against the doorframe. "Do you know what happened at all?"

Captain Stanley sighed and leaned against the other door frame. "No, Roy. I don't. I was on a run and when we got back to the firehouse, I got a message saying Ash was in the hospital and they were ruling it a suicide attempt. She was going very much downhill, and they wanted me to come as quick as I could. Near died of a heart attack myself. By the time I had gotten there, they had stabilized her. Overdose, I think they said. Anyway, she wouldn't talk about it, or why. We did some investigating and found out there may have been bullying going on at the place she worked at. She was working as a nursing assistant at the time. But nothing terrible happening to her was ever confirmed. She had a history of cutting, mostly before she came to us, but had been doing better with that after she went to school and became certified. Gave her a purpose, ya know. But something happened at that place that must have set her off again. And she won't talk about it at all. Clams up tighter than an oyster."

Roy sighed. "I guess we just got to be patient, Cap. I had to be with Johnny. Eventually, they come out of their shell. Just got to let them do it in their own time. Did she live alone when - this - happened?"

"Nah, she lived with my mom and dad. But they were out of town on vacation when it happened and the hospital wouldn't advise sending her home by herself."

Before Roy could answer, over their heads the tone box began to call them to duty. Roy nodded at his captain and they dispersed - Roy to the squad and Captain Hank to the radio.

""Station 51…Station 19…Truck 32…Battalion 4…structure fire…structure fully engulfed…36 Bolton Rd…3-6 Bolton Rd…cross Street Kernel Avenue… Time out 4:15"

"Station 51 - KMG 365."

The crew came running from every corner, throwing on gear, and jumping in vehicles. Johnny tumbled into the truck next to his partner. "Hey, Roy, are we leaving Ash here by herself?"

Roy watched his captain jump into the truck next to Mike and then wave them out. "I guess so, partner."

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"I am exhausted."

Johnny climbed stiffly into the squad and tossed his hat onto the dash, then rubbed the grime off of his face. His partner nodded wearily. They were just leaving Rampart General, where they had transported a couple who lived at the burning house. Thankfully, the couple had no serious injuries, just minor smoke inhalation. They were going to be fine. Their quick thinking got them out before the trucks arrived. Chet had pulled a muscle in his leg, but had been cleared for duty, as long as he took it easy. Johnny had suffered a burned hand, and Cap had tripped over a hose that Marco was moving and scraped his palms on the gravel. Overall, there was nothing serious. At least he wasn't leaving any men behind at Rampart on this shift.

"Me too." Roy picked up the radio. "Squad 52 - Available."

"Ya know, Roy," Johnny said quietly, leaning his head onto the window glass, and studying the bandage on the back of his hand. "I really do understand Ash, in a strange way."

Roy glanced kindly over at his partner. "Yeah, Pal. I know you do. Hey, how's the hand?"

Johnny chuckled shortly. "It's great. Dixie bandaged it up good. But about Ash. You know, Roy, she is hurting. Really deep, deep down, something is gnawing at her. It doesn't even have to be anything recent. But just a simple wound from years ago can fester and grow until before you know it the whole body is sick. And no one ever knows its building until you snap."

Roy nodded sagely. "I know it, partner. But how do we reach her? Cap is her brother and he isn't even close to figuring it out. This is gonna be one long ski trip if we can't get through to her."

"I know. But Roy, it's because he is her brother. She doesn't want to disappoint him. She wants him to be happy with her. She's not going to tell him anything that would hurt their relationship." Johnny pointed out.

Roy sighed, and turned the squad toward home. This wasn't going to be an easy thing to fix. "I know, Johnny. I don't know what we can do about it but I am going to talk to Joanne."

Johnny smiled. "Good, maybe she will have some ideas."

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The squad backed into the bay, followed by the engine. Mike skillfully parked beside the squad. The men began organizing the hoses after the run. Once everything was spotless, Johnny and Roy followed the captain who went in search for his sister. The rec room was empty. For a split second, they nearly panicked. Then a happy realization dawned as a very good smell was discovered drifting from the kitchen. Johnny winked and motioned for them to follow his lead.

He walked into the kitchen, a bundle of energy. "Man alive! I am starving!"

The table was neatly set. Ash was pouring sauce into a bowl. "Hi guys," she said quietly, a proud smile on her face. "I made do with what you guys had already. I hope you like it."

Johnny rubbed his hands together. "Oh, boy, oh, boy, Marco, you are officially replaced." He winced at the pain in his hand.

"Are you hurt Johnny?" she asked quickly.

His response was delayed by the rest of the guys coming into the kitchen. Exclamations of "man that smells good!" and "Oh goody, dinner!" rang through the room.

Johnny smiled at her, as she left the sauce and came over to inspect the bandaging. "Nothing too serious, just a burn. How's your hand?"
She blushed and backed away. "It's okay. Hey," she motioned for him to lean closer. "Don't open the cabinet over the sink." She winked and hurried away, to finish dishing out the food. Johnny cocked his head, confused, and shook his head. "Oh well." He thought to himself. "Wonder why?" Then his eyes fell on Chet and a question began to creep into his mind, as well as a smug smile on his face.

Cap went to help, a happy smile on his face. "Hey, there, Ash, you've done a great job. Be careful, my men may never want to eat Marco's food again."

Marco took a deep breath of Italian seasoning and chuckled. "Marco may not want Marco's cooking any more either!"

The entire crew burst out laughing, as they all settled around the table. "Hank, did you hurt your hands?" The look of concern on Ash's face for her brother was unmistakable. She took one of his big hands in hers and turned it palm up, examining the roughened skin.

"Nah, they're okay." He pulled his hand free and gently waved her away, bashfully, and put his hands in his lap.

She huffed and shook her head. "Got to always be the tough guy."

They smiled at each other and Cap spoke quietly. "Don't you do the same thing?"

She sighed and looked away. "Chet, sweetheart," Ash spoke sweetly, "Could you grab the salad forks out of the cabinet over the sink?"
Chet's face lit up at the chance to help her, and the chance to ease the awkward moment.

"Sure thing, Ash!"

Chet yanked open the cabinet and immediately water showered down upon him. He turned to see his entire team laughing at him and Johnny and Ash high-five.

The score was 2 to 1. The phantom was not doing well.