When I take his hand and step back from the edge, Oliver lets out a deep breath. "What are you doing, Amy?" he asks, shaking his head.
I shake mine, too. "I don't know."
"Why?"
I look at him; at his dark eyes, the dark hair, everything dark. Nevertheless, there's something glowing about him, and it's like he's lighting up the night, making me see.
Tears well up in my eyes. "I wanted to die", is all I manage to get out.
Then I start crying, and the next moment I feel Oliver's arms around me. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to forget about the world.
A hundred thoughts are spinning in my head; what I'm doing here, in Oliver's arms, if I'm actually lesbian; what I'm doing here at all when I should be long gone by now, lying on the pavement in front of my high school, dead, blood all around me. I imagine Karma finding me in the morning, seeing my limbs twisted in abnormal angles, my eyes wide open but no light in them.
That's how things were supposed to work out. That's what I wanted to happen, though I can't quite believe it anymore.
"Amy, I know what's been going on", Oliver whispers, sounding kind of guilty.
I pull back a little. "You do?"
"Uh-huh." He reaches out to wipe some of the tears from my face. "I mean, there's been a lot of trouble between you and Karma and Liam lately, and you know how it is with dramas in high school: People are dying for a good piece of gossip."
The subject of gossip. So that's what I've become.
"I was worried about you", Oliver goes on, which makes me feel slightly better. At least there is someone who was worried about me. "Trust me, I feel really bad about digging around in your private affairs – but I talked to Lauren. And Shane. That's how I found out about you and Liam."
I have to suppress a sob. "Hell, I'm so ashamed!" I get out, fresh tears blurring my vision. "I've lost everyone…"
"No, you haven't", he interrupts me. He's giving me that look, and I try to hold his gaze for as long as possible, but I can't.
I feel terrible; about everything.
"Oliver, you're such a good guy." My voice is trembling hard.
He's staring at me, frowning. In that moment, it's like I can read his thoughts: Don't do that to me. Don't give me that "good guy" crap, not again.
But I go on, anyway. "It's just that I don't deserve you. I'm a mess."
There. I said it.
And he's still staring at me, not saying a word.
There's something about his gaze, though; something about the way he looks at me that doesn't make me feel like a complete idiot. His eyes seem to say, I'm here for you, Amy. I've always been.
I wonder what I'm gonna do now.
Karma and Reagon are still mad at me.
I'm still mad at myself.
And I'll never be able to change the fact that I slept with Liam Booker.
Doesn't Oliver see that; what kind of person I am?
After what seems like an eternity, he finally finds his speech. "I don't care how messed up you are, Amy", he says. "And I don't care that you're a lesbian, or whatever, and I don't care that you were in love with your best friend. I just wanna kiss you right now, okay?"
It may sound like a question, but he doesn't wait for my permission. Before I can do so much as take a breath, he leans forward, framing my face with his hands, and kisses me.
I kiss him back.
While I do, I keep waiting for the reproaches to fill my head.
You're supposed to be a lesbian. You're supposed to be with Reagon. You're supposed to be punished. You're supposed to be dead.
Yeah, there are quite a lot of things I'm supposed to be.
But right now, kissing Oliver just feels right. In fact, it feels like I'm living again, and for a moment I forget why we're both here, in the middle of the night; I forget what I was about to do when he found me.
I'm just so glad he did.
When we break apart, I see the tiniest hint of a smile on his face. "Let's go home", he says. "You can stay with me for the night."
I should feel terrible about staying with a boy, considered what I did with Liam. But this is different; I can see it in his eyes. Nothing's going to happen tonight, except for me feeling safe in his arms.
I know going with him won't save all my problems; I'm not that naïve. I know there's still a lot to figure out.
I have to talk to Reagon.
And I have to keep apologizing to Karma, keep trying to save our friendship. I can only hope that one day, she'll forgive me.
The difference is that I am not alone anymore. There's someone who doesn't hate me for what I've done, someone who's going to stand by me through everything that lies ahead.
"We can figure this out", Oliver says. "Together."
Then he holds out his hand, and I take it.
