Alrighty, another chapter coming at ya. In this one, we'll get an idea of what's going on, and probably see something scary as well… Not like "horror movie scary", but more like "seeing your grandma naked" scary. Hey, just warning you.

I actually didn't know if I was going to write this when I started chapter 1. Now I'm glad I did, 'cause I'm sorta having fun writing it. And I plan to do whatever I have to, to finish it.

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Chapter Two: The Girlfriend

Saddler paced uncomfortably back and forth across the room, trying to collect his thoughts while his staff squirmed in his hand irritably.

"Quit it already," he muttered to it, and it begrudgingly stopped.

"What's wrong?" Salazar asked coming into the room, carrying a teapot. "Do you have hemorrhoids?"

"Shut the hell up! What's wrong with you, you sicko?!"

"I'm just saying that's what it looked like. Here, want some tea? It'll make you feel better."

"Okay, fine," Saddler grumbled, receiving a cup of tea and taking a sip. He abruptly spit it out. "What is this made out of?! It tastes like poison oak brewed in cat piss!"

"… That might be because it is…"

"WHAT?!"

"All the water in this area is dirty, and dirty water usually has diseases in it! And I couldn't find anything else to substitute for tea leaves!"

"THAT'S WHY YOU BOIL THE WATER AND USE SOMETHING OTHER THAN LEAVES!"

"Like cow manure?"

Saddler slammed his head into the wall several times, suddenly not totally surprised at how easy it had been to get his miniature associate to undo the Las Plagas seal. Just when he was considering killing himself right then and there, the door opened again and this time Mendez and Krauser came in, following a potato sack with legs.

"Why did you bring me a sack of potatoes with legs?" Saddler said, raising an eyebrow.

"That's the president's daughter," Mendez replied, questioning the sanity of his acquaintances.

"Oh, the president's daughter, right," Saddler said.

"Mission accomplished," Krauser said. "Should I pull the sack off now?"

"Well, duh," Saddler answered, descending the short flight of stairs and approaching them slowly.

He pulled the potato sack off of Ashley, who looked around for a minute confusedly, then laid eyes on Saddler. A smile spread across her face.

"Ossie?"

"I told you we'd be together soon, baby," he replied.

"OSSIE!" Ashley screamed joyfully, wrapping her arms around him in a bear hug.

The other three stood there, speechless.

"Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend."

The stared for a long time.

"Your girlfriend is the president's daughter?" Mendez just barely managed to say.

"How did that happen?" Salazar added.

"'Ossie'?" Krauser said in a disturbed tone.

Saddler turned to the audience (yes, you) and smiled. "I owe it all to eHarmony."

"Um… Who are you talking to?" Mendez asked, and he shook his head.

"Doesn't matter. What does matter is I have my beautiful seraphim by my side!"

The three of them gagged collectively.

"Oh my God…" Ashley said, looking up at him. "You're even sexier in person!"

Krauser puked, Salazar nearly fainted and Mendez contemplated shooting himself.

"Does this mean the whole plot to take over the world was just a ploy to get your girlfriend here?" Mendez questioned.

"No, the plot's still on. Right, hunny bunny?"

"You bet! I'm just worried daddy will get mad…"

"Don't worry, we'll take care of that."

"Are you serious? She knows about the plan, too?" Krauser groaned. "I thought this was super secret, or something."

"She's the love of my life, I tell her everything. Anyway, now we send the ransom and make the president believe that his daughter has been kidnapped and something terrible is going to happen to her if he doesn't send us…" He paused dramatically, putting his pinky finger to his lips. "One billion dollars."

"He watches way too many movies," Salazar whispered and the other two nodded in agreement.

"Then she and I get married, and we take over the world."

"Wow, this plan is fool-proof!" Ashley said. "I love it when you come up with evil plots, my Ossie Wossie."

Krauser and Salazar both puked, unfortunately right into Mendez' face.

"This is going to be a long day…" Mendez mumbled, wiping vomit from his eyes.

A short time later, elsewhere in Spain…

Leon was telling the two Spanish cops his life story. "… Then the city got blown to smithereens and that's how the ice cream got melted. The end."

"Were you saying something? We weren't really paying attention," the driver said.

"Yeah, because we actually have lives," the passenger side cop said. "Oh, hold on, stop the car – I suddenly have to piss."

"You and your thimble-sized bladder," the driver said, pulling over. The other cop got out, wandering over to the edge of the woods and "unleashing the dragon".

"So…" Leon started, trying to make conversation. "Are you guys gay?"

"No," the driver said, even as he was staring out the window at his partner. Slowly his hand moved down…

"Oh, dude, that's nasty! Don't do that when I'm around!" Leon said, and the driver gave him a funny look.

"What do you mean? I was just getting my soda."

The other cop got back in with a shudder. "There was some creepy guy with a hatchet in the woods!"

Neither of them paid attention to what he'd just said.

They drove across a rope bridge that must have had steel supports hidden somewhere to bear that much weight, and parked a few yards from a small two-story house.

"I hate you for no apparent reason, so go find out if anyone's seen the girl," the driver said.

"Fine," Leon responded, getting out, but then stalling for time once outside of the car. He walked around it in circles, until the passenger side cop leaned out the window.

"What's - "

"AHH!" Leon screamed, running back around the car.

"Oops, forgot to zip my fly…"

On the other side of the car the driver glared at Leon through the window. "What's the matter? Forget your make up? Wait a minute…" he said, catching sight of himself in the mirror. "I forgot to put my eye shadow on today…"

He couldn't help, but stare at the driver as he actually began to apply several different colors of eye shadow. He aimed his handgun at him, curious to see how he would react.

"Get going, would you?" the driver said nastily.

"Or what?"

"We'll make you eat our - "

"AAAHHH!" Leon shrieked, running for the house.

"What? I was going to say 'old twinky that we found in the trunk'."

Away from the car…

Leon, the ever semi-paranoid ex-cop approached the house, not seeing much of anything out of the ordinary except for a pickup truck blocking the nearest road, and a front door that was wide open.

"Nothing suspicious around here," he commented, walking right into the house like he owned it.

He paused next to the bookshelf not far from the door, examining the thick layer of dust covering a collection of books called "How to Butcher a Human". For no particular reason, he poked the bookshelf and it suddenly toppled over. "Um, sorry whoever owns this house!"

He rounded the corner, spotting a creepy guy wearing a lot of brown hunched over the fireplace, prodding what seemed to be burning body parts, idly.

"That wasn't a bookshelf falling over your heard, that was… me trying to… do a jig!" The guy didn't answer. "Er… Excuse me; have you seen the president's daughter? She's blond, dresses real preppy… Here's a picture." He held up a poster of a lost bike. "Wait, that's not it." This time he held up the photo of Ashley.

The villager scratched his head and replied, "Uuuuuhhhhhh…"

"Okay, sorry to bother you," Leon murmured, starting to leave when the guy grabbed a hatchet and ran at him.

Unfortunately for the villager, he'd forgotten the rule about running with sharp objects and tripped, going face first into the hatchet and dying.

There was a sound of an engine starting and Leon ran to the widow, just catching a glimpse of the pickup truck driving down the path and right over the cliff. "Their insurance payments are going to go way up!"

His communicator beeped at him, and he pulled it out.

"Where you at?" Hunnigan asked not bothering to look at him, apparently trying to inspect the map on the Boost Mobile in her hand.

"Can't talk right now, I'm busy," he said, hanging up. With that done, he went over to the fire and sat down, taking out an uncooked smore and holding it close to the flames. There was a lot of shouting in Spanish outside, but he disregarded it.

"Mmm… Human-smoked smores…"

He ate his smore, suddenly realizing something. "Hey, is that a brain?"

He stuck his arm into the flames, and pulled it back out with his sleeve on fire. "Uh-oh, I'd better find something to put it out!"

He ran into the next room, finding a closet full of human skeletons. Above it was a sign reading: "Bones have been soaked in gasoline. Do not expose to flame."

"Bones! Bones can put out fire!" He stuck his arm in the bones, causing the pile to burst into flames, at which point a herd of blazing rats ran out of the closet. He headed up the stairs, hoping to find a bucket of water.

Finding none, he looked out the window, seeing three scary-looking guys with farming tools. "That means the door's probably mysteriously blocked off."

His arm was beginning to get unbearably toasty.

"Um, um! What was the rule for putting out fire? 'Stop, drop and roll'? No, that wasn't it. Oh, I remember! 'Jump out the nearest window screaming and flailing wildly'!"

He jumped through the glass, flying through the air and… landing on one of the villagers, coated with glass.

"Ow, my knee! It's got glass and Spanish dude stuck in it!"

The other two Spanish guys gathered around as he stood up, completely forgetting about the guy he landed on, picking out the glass while he greeted them. "Hola, have you seen the - "

Before he could finish, one guy stabbed him with a pitchfork.

"Ow! You bastard! I'm going to rip you guts out and feed them to you!"

The villager with the pitchfork began to cry, and he ran into the house, slamming the door behind him.

"Insensitive jerk," the other one said in Spanish, following him inside.

The last villager, slowly recovering from the impact to his ribcage, looked at Leon for a moment, and then began to laugh. So he shot him in the face.

"Ugh, I feel like I got hit by a train…" The government agent took out a green herb. "Ah, the wonderful, yet highly addictive properties of morphine in a little green plant."

Eating the plant, he looked around at his surroundings. "I guess I'd better go that way," Leon said to himself, heading for the road that had been blocked by the truck. "There couldn't possibly be anything dangerous down there."

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And there you have it. Ashley is Saddler's girlfriend. I always knew eHarmony was some evil force…

Man, I love those two Spanish cops – they're just so fun to laugh at. Maybe I'll keep them alive for a little while…What they'd be doing at this point in the game, I don't know, but I have an idea that's perfect for them…

Leon comes across as a total dork in this story… Usually he's a little smarter in my stories, but with a stoner kind of thing going on. I think in this he's going to be "the walking disaster" or something. Well, until next time… when I get to write about Dr. Salvador, huzzah!

So, if you're reading, why not leave me a review and let me know what you thought? Every review helps me recharge my brain.