Running away form love
It was quiet, abnormally quiet. He was alone, he sat alone on his bed. He had willingly gone home alone. No random girl tonight. He was too tired, too tired to pretend. The old Barney would think he was crazy, the old Barney wouldn't have to pretend. The old Barney would want all those random girls. He on the other hand, if he was completely honest with himself, had to admit that he really only wanted one girl. It was something the old Barney wouldn't approve of, but he loved her. He tried to pretend that he didn't, he had spent most of the days since the breakup pretending. Pretending everything was okay, pretending he was fine, pretend he wasn't missing her, and most importantly pretending he didn't love her. But he did, he missed her and loved her more than he ever thought he could miss or love somebody. And he wasn't fine, and everything was most definitively not okay. But he had to pretend, he had to lie to himself and to everybody else. When he didn't pretend unfamiliar emotions surface, emotions all connected to her. He didn't like it, he didn't like new unfamiliar emotions, so he pretended.
He had known going in to the relationship that it would probably end badly, he had known before going in to the relationship that it would probably end badly. He had known the moment he fell for her that it wouldn't be a good idea. But in the end the emotions won over the logic. And in the beginning everything was fine. It was going good. She was different. She was everything he never thought he wanted. That didn't change, but he realized exactly how much power she had over him. How much she could hurt him in the end. She was the first person he had loved in a very long time. She was the only person he could picture a future with. So he slowly started pushing her away. From the outside it looked like the split only happened after they realized what they were doing to each other. But he had a feeling, nagging feeling that they probably never would have gotten to that point if he hadn't started shutting her out. Slowly closing more and more of him off.
He loved her too much, it was just too dangerous.
Maybe it had been a mistake?
He might look normal on the outside, but on the inside he was a mess. He didn't know how long he could keep on pretending. He had an image to uphold, and all those mushy feelings didn't work for him. He had never been one for love, or romance. He still wasn't one for romance, not really. But the love thing, that had kind off snuck up on him. For a long time he had manage to live completely normal, or mostly at least if you looked away for the TVs. And he was sure that with time he would go back to his normal self, right? The question became, did he really want that? He had always thought you had to change almost everything about yourself in a relationship. That he would have to stop being his normal awesome self. But other that the sleeping around he mostly stayed the same. Just happier, for a little while. That part had been a little disturbing.
Random girls… random girls had been a part of his life for oh so long. Random girls was what he stood for. Lie to girl to get them to sleep with him that was his specialty. It had been ever since he swore of love. And now… well random girls were still a part of his life. Someone might react if it wasn't. But he wasn't that happy at it anymore. The excitement he used to feel when he tested out a new story, a new line, a new way to get the girl of the night, it was all gone. Now it was more something he had to do, something to prove that he was okay. Something to prove that love hadn't changed him at all. He had suited up and gotten some girl the night they broke up just to prove he was back. That nothing could stop him. That he would always be Barney.
And with everything, with being so busy keeping up his image, he didn't notice, didn't notice that she was never around. He had stopped allowing himself to think about her, to notice her. So he didn't notice. He missed her, every time he stopped to be himself he missed her. And it wasn't only because he loved her, but because she was she. She was the coolest girl he knew. Ever since she had become a part of their group she was the one he felt most connected to, and in all honesty she was his best friend. She might roll her eyes and tell him he was disgusting, which was something they all did from time till time, but they connected. The day they spent playing laser tag and smoking cigars, the day she actually had suited up (something he never got Ted to do), that was the day he knew, they would be good friends. That was long before he fell for her, before that she had just been some girl Ted was into. After that she slowly became his best friend. And he almost hadn't seen her since the breakup.
Maybe they had to talk? He really didn't want to. Taking was so overrated.
He wanted his best friend back.
He might even want her back… maybe.
But they ended because he had been running… the fact that he had been running for the relationship, form her as a lover, that didn't however mean he wanted to lose her. He never wanted to lose her. He just didn't want her to have to power to hurt him, to leave him.
His head was spinning. Too much thinking about love, thinking about her. Reflecting over what had been, what could have been, it didn't change anything. And thinking over love and other mushy thing for a long time kind of made him nauseas. Even if it was her, too much love wasn't good. He was going to bed, alone. Tomorrow was a new day, back to pretending. Because it easier. And he had to choose one or another.
He would get her back, as a friend for now, somehow he would get her back.
That was an acceptable compromise.
And hopefully the joy, the excitement would come back.
After all he was Barney… He was awesome, he was a womanizer, and he was proved of it.
Right?
.
Okay, so this is what happens when write when you can't sleep. I'm not sure what I think of it. Do you still want me to continue?
