A/N1: And again, I'm developing further a story that should be left alone as a one-shot. Sorry-not-sorry :P


My heart hurts. It hurts, when I'm in emotional pain, and it hurts way too often. Why? Where's my safe cave when I need it?

I think I'm in love with Cassian, really. Such a simple statement, yet such a strong one and I'm still in awe - by the Force, how this could happen? What more, how could I myself simply walk into his bed, fall into his hands?

I'm not entirely sure, but that's what I did. And now it hurts.

Actually, pain in such a weird relationship sounds normal to me, as far as I can recognize normal stuff about relationships. I can imagine plenty of things, but it's completely outside my reach to talk myself into believing that everything is perfectly fine between us. We're both so mangled emotionally; he's so used to hiding all of his emotions deep inside, and my own feelings are right on the surface, completely raw and exposed since he got past through my walls and boundaries. Is it so one-sided as I see it now?

Sometimes I feel like I'm being a kind of intermission, a moment for playing with a pet - and then back to the regular life of a Rebel soldier he goes. It hurts, and it hurts even more when I realize that I no longer can switch between feelings and personalities so easily like he does, a top-spy. Sometimes I want to simply curl up somewhere in the darkest corner of the base and howl like a wounded lone animal - because, even if we're connected somehow, even if rarely a moment can pass without me thinking of him, I'm still all alone. Drowned in Rebellion, we both simply have no time for anything more couple-ish than a quick shag. Only sometimes he tells me about his plans, in which either there's no place for me, or maybe he doesn't consider me worthy to be there?

Still, now I live just for those breaks between our missions, just for those moments of brainless pleasure. It's a time when I don't think about our destroyed friendship or purpose of things, I do not listen to traitorous common sense telling me it is only me who cares. For those single stolen hours I have someone to live for, breathe for, laugh and cry. Stupid? Yeah, kriffing stupid. But I need something to draw my strength from, and whether we have sex, eat together, sleep together or watch holovids together, that's me charging my inner batteries for those empty days that come between. That's me feeling I actually exist, because all the time between is just empty waiting.

One has to pay for everything. For my happiness, coming and going in tiny chunks, I pay with pain tearing my heart apart, I pay with inability to come back to my cave anymore, the hatch firmly closed. Will things ever change? I don't think so. I may have hope for things changing - him changing, me changing, the universe changing, but that's just hope. Rebellions may be built on hope, but not single people lives. Is it worth tormenting myself with hope?

So far, it is. By the Force, as long as I have those slices of time, I have reason to exist within this war-indulged world. What happens when this ends, if this ends? I don't know, and, frankly, I don't want to think about it. I don't want to feel my heart aching again. Besides, I'm no longer afraid he may leave me behind. Since Scarif, we're way too much connected, our fates melted in that fire into one.

Tomorrow Cassian comes back from another of his missions...


A/N2: Another old story (2002) discovered on my HD among oldies, twisted into something new. Decided to add it as a new chapter to previous one due to similar theme, it kind of creates logical continuous narrative together.