CHAPTER TWO: Shit
Weeks passed. April became May, night mingled with day, Voldemort continued to terrorize muggles at night with his most diabolical alter ego: Taylor Swift ("NOW MUGGLES MUST FEEL THE WRATH OF A BLONDE BITCH WHO GETS INTO TERRIBLE RELATIONSHIPS JUST FOR ATTENTION"). Yes, life continued on for everyone and sales for Voldemort's new album Red skyrocketed.
Then came the worst day May 21st, at 2:19 when the doors to Snape's chambers burst open. Severus had an hour before classes and decided to work on his newest potion, but when he heard the door's to his room open, he knew that dream had died.
"Albus! What did we talk about coming in unannounced to my quarters?" Snape yelled without looking up from his cauldron.
"Oh Severus, with your dead eyes and nagging voice, if you had baby teeth and a hatred for then you'd be just like my mother." Dumbledore said with a smile.
Snape didn't respond. At least he isn't speaking in lyrics anymore, he said to himself referring to two weeks ago when he literally only spoke in Biggie lyrics:
"Professor I would really like to discuss about what has been going on for the past semester—" Miss Granger stuttered sadly while standing in his office, teary-eyed, clearly distressed.
"Whachu want n-?"
"He's been spreading these cruel, malicious rumors about me to fellow classmates—" She began whole-heartedly, looking as if she could easily break down.
"And if you don't know now you know n-…"
"I-I-I don't want him to die—I just want this to end…He's been sexually harassing me for months—" She squeaked sorrowfully.
"FUCK ALL Y'ALL HOES." He spurted out.
"I wouldn't go out with him. And now, he's punishing me by saying these awful…awful things."
"Time to contemplate, damn, where did I fail."
"Nobody will talk to me. My friends abandoned me. Everyone chants in the hallway 'Hermione don't suck dick' when I walk past them—"
"So school I didn't show up it fucked my flow up, mom said I should grow up-"
"Professor I can't do this any longer! I don't want to live no more…"She began to plead, her voice cracking.
Dumbledore paused, weighing the gravity of this situation. Then he burst out singing,
"SOMETIMES I HEAR DEATH KNOCKING AT MY FRONT DOOR!"
That was the moment where Hermione's emotional state turned to irritation and unsurprised apathy to this delirious man.
"You're-you're gonna just keep doing that aren't you?"
"I'M LIVING EVERY DAY LIKE A HUSTLE—"
"I'm gonna go talk to a real teacher now." She stated, mostly to herself for she knew he was no longer listening, turning to exist.
"ANOTHER DRUG TO JUGGLE ANOTHER DAY ANOTHER STRUGGLE—"
"Right. This is the wizard who defeated Voldemort." She muttered to herself, disenfranchised, as she slammed her office door shut.
Dumbledore stopped singing long enough to realize her ignored the blatant cries of desperation of a bullied student. "Imma bad bad man…"
Peering over the bubbling pot, he took a whiff and chuckled. "What are we making today Severus? A potion that cures cancer? Turns water into gold? Or to finally solve the mystery that is deep friend ice cream?"
"Albus you're looking at my tea kettle. I'm over here."
As it turn out the moon glasses were mostly for fashion but the Headmaster found it hilarious and laughed.
"Aw, how delightfully silly of my white ass!" He chuckled.
"What do you want Albus?" Snape said impatiently, stirring away.
Dumbledore paused for a moment, as if weighing his words, but smiled at him, despite Snape would almost rarely return it. He felt a honor to have known this man, contrary to popular opinion and recent poll rates written on bathroom stalls (amongst other messages of valuable insight such as 'DON'T FUCK POTTER HE'S GOT WIZARD HERPES' and 'HERMIONE DON'T SUCK DICK' both suspiciously written in the same handwriting). He only wished more people would know the pleasure he felt of truly knowing, understanding and, dare say, loving Severus Snape.
"How do I begin this—Severus…you look…old."
Snape's eyes literally blew up like a threatened blowfish. "This coming from a guy who lost his virginity to a druid?"
"You and I both know it was a drunken one-night stand. It's not my fault even before the Celtics became Irish; the Irish knew how to drink." He said defensively.
Snape exhaled so deeply he felt like a deflated whoopee cushion. "Where is this going exactly?"
"Severus let's face it. You're obsession with a dead mom has gone on long enough." He was, of course, referencing the fact that Severus Snape spent the last two decades trying to win the love of a woman who privately, but loudly, had sex with his enemy.
"No…no it hasn't." He replied weakly, as he inconspicuously faced down a candid photo of Lily Potter when they were sixteen (Voldemort: "AKA his masturbation photo.")
"You need to move on. You're not getting any younger. Which is why I set you up on a blind date."
"No." It was a simple but concise answer.
"Well you're "no" can suck my dick because you owe me and if you don't go, I'll pretend to have another "old man episode" and "forget" to wear pants tomorrow. And you and I both know I boycotted underwear ever since I turned 100."
There wasn't much room for argument after that. "Fine. ONE HOUR."
" Thank you Severus. I just want you to have a shot at true happiness. The happiness of the love of another, which is truly the greatest miracle a man can possess. And, frankly, I feel like if you got your dick pulled you wouldn't be such an asshole." If Dumbledore was anything, he was a man of honesty.
Pause. "Valid point."
"Word, plus I kinda blew off Miss Granger's crying pleas for help the other day so I think if you are mean to her she'll just end up pulling a For Real Mr. Potter Stunt."
"You're just doing all sorts of grand things lately." Snape remarked sarcastically, but he sighed. "So, when is it?"
"Tomorrow, seven o'clock. I set it up at this restaurant in Diagon Alley called 'That Place With Food'."
"That's…accurate?"
"Yeah, anyway dress like you aren't going to a gothic kid's funeral and you should do fine."
"Albus, please. How do you even know if we will hit it off?"
That was when the Headmaster gave off his signature lopsided smirk and simply said, "Trust me, you'll love her."
