100 Ways to Annoy Gildory Lockhart. This chapter is dedicated to OliviaKatetheGreat who requested I do him. Enjoy hon ;)
1. Knock out all his teeth.
2. Tell him Lilac isn't his colour.
3. Doodle in every copy of his books you can get your hands on.
4. Turn all his robes black.
5. Tell him that he is ugly.
6. Break his curling iron.
7. Tell him Snape is the sexiest man you ever laid eyes on. (Quite True (; )
8. Say his au de cologne smells like dung.
9. Give all his portraits fake moustaches and devil horns.
10. Imprison him in one of the greenhouses that's filled with fully grown mandrakes and forget to give him the pink earmuffs!
11. Transfigure him into a pillow/cushion and let Hagrid sit on it.
12. Transfigure him into a matching pillow/cushion set to go with Slughorn's transfigured couch. ;)
13. Dye his hair black and give him a Snape-styled haircut.
14. Lock him in a room with Snape. ;)
15. Ask him if he's gay for Albus.
16. Steal his pink silk boxers and matching bra set. ;) (He likes to feel pretty!)
17. Hide Harry from him.
18. Poison him, very easy if your good at potions and if not I'm sure our favorite greasy Potions Master would be willin to help.
19. Send an interview to Rita Skeeter that states Lockhart is gay and is going to marry Argus Filch.
20. Send this exclusive interview to the other magazines (Witch Weekly, The Quibbler, Playwizard/Playwitch).
21. During Breakfast/Luch/Dinner yell out that you found his teddy; Mr. Harry (Booboo) Bear.
22. Call him Professor Grandmum.
23. Stuff Fubberworms down his pants.
24. Flirt with him if your a boy, be disgusted by him if your a girl.
25. Announce during class that you can see a pimple on his nose.
26. Ask him if he was a Hufflepuff during his schooldays, because that would explain a lot.
27. When you see him yell; "AHHH! Sir! SIR! AAHHH!"
Lockhart: "WHAT? WHAAATTT?"
You: "Hi" XD
28. Pierce where you can. (Not Down There! Please not down there)
29. Whenever he gives you a test/pop quiz answer every question with "You're a Barbie Girl"
30. When he gives you back the test... It's AQUA time.
31. Give him one of Aaragog's babies.
32. Tell him Peeves is his new roommate.
33. Shave his legs while... Oh they already are, never mind then! XD
34. Change the title of 'Break with a Banshee' to a 'Banging a Banshee'
35. Change the title of 'Gadding with a ghoul' to 'Gadding with guys'. XD
36. Change the title of 'Holidays with Hags' to 'Holidays without Harry'
37. Change the title of 'Magical Me' into 'Faggtastical Me'
38. Change the title of 'Travels with Trolls' into 'Travels in search of Trannies'
39. Change the title of 'Voyages with a Vampire' into 'Voyages with a Vampire' (Check out the meaning on Urban Dictionary.) XD
40. Change the title of 'Wandering with Werewolves' to 'Wippings with Wizards'
41. Change the title of 'Year with the Yeti' to 'Year under the Yeti'
42. Change the title of 'Gildory Lockharts Guide to Household Pests' to 'Gildory Lockharts Guide to Seducing a Wizard' (now with 100 extra special pictures of the Author (; )
43. Change the title of 'Who am I?' into 'Why am I?'
44. Steal his Bejazzled peacock quill.
45. Tie him up to the Whomping Willow.
46. Slap him with 'Faggtastical Me' and demand for a refund.
47. Tell him the reason why his penis is so small is because he is actually a girl.
48. Give him testosterone pills so he starts to have some semblance to a man.
49. Ask him for a signed autograph. When he gives you one run away screaming "Oi! Guys, I got what we need for the voodoo doll!'
50. Tattoo 'Most Daft Ravenclaw' across his forehead.
51. Burn his fanmail, when he starts crying, tell him you were cold.
52. Ditch him with the Acromantulas'
53. Film him as he trys to escape the Acromantulas', play the movie in te great hall that night!
54. Walk up to him during dinner and tell him his pimp needs him, point to Filch.
55. Don't give him any cookies.
56. Make him babysit Fluffy.
57. Make him babysit Salazar's basilisk.
58. Make him babysit you.
59. Make him babysit Dumbledore.
60. Make him babysit Snape.
61. Break all his mirrors.
62. Steal all his make-up.
63. Give him a charmed mirror that says 'Your not the prettiest of them all' every time he looks into the mirror.
64. Walk like him. Talk like him. Be him. And do it Better.
65. Ask him if his teeth are fake.
66. Eat his cloak, while he's still wearing it, but use a fork first. (Your probably going to go to St. Mungo's but it'll be worth it!)
67. {Girls Only} Spend a Girls Night with him, while giving each other make-overs and singing and dancing on ABBA... He is the Dancing Queer... Err I mean Queen! Of course take photos/muggle videos of the whole event and show them to everyone.
68. {Boys Only} step 1. Take him to a strip club, step 2. get him drunk, step 3. Take photos of him getting slapped in the face by women. Step 4. Laugh your head off as you show the pictures to everyone!
69. Sell him to an old lonely muggle woman, she love him and raise him as the daughter she never had.
70. Tell him his Valentine day's decorations sucked!
71. Bet against him as Snape and him are dueling.
72. Ask him if he wants to play Seeker and make sure the entire school is there to see it.
73. Paste Mr. Harry (Booboo) Bear on his shoulders in a cuddling position.
74. Take a picture of it and send it to all the Hogwarts Professors for Christmas. (Snapes first Happy Christmas!)
75. Send notes to every Lockhart fan that they are all invited to his chambers XD
76. When he walks by say loudly to your friends that he is the prettiest GIRL you've ever seen.
77. Steal his stash of beautifying potions and see how ugly he really is (this may take some time to work).
78. Pretend to be a werewolf and sneak into his chamber at night.
79. Give him some of Hagrid's treacle tart, that will shut him up. XD
80. Tell him the Heir of Slytherin is looking for him.
81. Tell him that the entrance to the chamber of secrets is in his wardrobe, an that the safest place for him is in Mcgonagalls bed chambers.
82. Introduce him to Bellatrix Lestrange
83. Introduce him to Auntie Muriel, the bit h of all bitches.
84. Lock him up with an Spynx.
85. Lock him up with an angry Hippogryff.
86. Lock him up with Aragog.
87. Drag him through town and tell everyone he's your little sister.
88. Sign him up for the Army.
89. Make him watch chuckie and then hex an old doll to follow him around.
90. Give him a hug. (While casting a sticking charm on a piece of paper that reads 'Worlds No. 1 Git' to his back)
91. Remove the bones from HIS arm. "Skelegrow. Sir?"
92. Ask Fawkes to drop him back off in the Chamber of Secrets.
93. Send him Howlers during his stay at St. Mungo's.
94. Give him a cage of Cornish Pixies for his birthday
95. Give him a Mohawk
96. Through him a surprise party with all the people he memory-wiped
97. Whisper to your friends "That's the guy who erased his own memory" (loudly)
98. Hire Collin Creevey as his personal paparazzi
99. Repeatedly point out that he's no longer at the top of the best seller list
And here's number 100... Come up to him with a copy of Magical Me and ask him if he know what happened to the idiot that wrote it.
I hope that put a smile on your face this holidays and Remember leave a character that you want me todo this for and I will dedicate it to you. :)
