In what seems like minutes, I hear a knock on my door. I shove up from the couch to answer, but before I get to the door Portia just lets herself in. Behind her I see my prep team, three of the most elaborate people I have met. Probably three of the least intelligent on the real ways of the country. There are smiles, squeals and kisses on cheeks, all the while I am usher upstairs to my bedroom. Portia waits down stairs while my prep team gets to work.
I strip down, leaving nothing on, because with this team, nakedness it just part of the job. I remember during the prep before our big entrance before the games I was so nervous to be naked around them, especially since two of my team are women, but since they made no big thing of it, neither did I. I sit in a chair as they walk around me, making comments, touching my hair, fussing at the new burns on my hands and forearms. I just take a breath and let them do their things.
Caesar, a broad shouldered, deeply russet colored man and the only one on my prep team, starts buffing away at the skin that will be exposed today. My hands and face since it's cold here in 12. He mutters under his breath while trying to hide the new burns on my hands.
"I think we can wait until tomorrow to really shave him," comments Barb, an older, extremely petite woman says quickly. "I can use a razor on these little stubbles today and use the good one on the train tomorrow. I say, Peeta, I expected to notice a bit more hair growth from you these last few months. Have you been shaving, like we asked you not to?"
"No, I haven't," I answer and quickly explain, "My hair is just too light to notice. Look closer." She leans closer to my face and smiles, "I see. Still, a quick shave today I think." I smile at her and she goes to the bathroom to get the counter ready for the shave.
My third prep team member, in charge of my hair is Ginger, who, like her name suggests, has flaming red hair. It contrasts with the light blue dye she has all over her skin. The fashions in the Capitol! But where she seems, by looking her over, she would be loud, like her skin and hair, she is exactly the opposite. Very quiet, not talking much, but absorbing everything. When she does speak it is in a voice much too deep for her thin frame. I think I like her best. Right now she is quietly combing through my curls with quick hands.
It seems like hours later, when actually is was just minutes, that I am pushed down in the tub, sitting a foul green smelling bath. I have my head back in the lap of Barb so she can shave off the little hairs that seem to bother the Capitol so much. I try to make myself calm, taking deep breaths in and out slowly, but my nerves are stretched so tight I do not do much good.
After the bath is over Portia is waiting for me to get me into my outfit. I know that down stairs there is a camera crew waiting to film my talent while I try to explain why I painted what I did. She dresses my in simple black pants, very thick and warm. A crisp button up shirt and black leather boots. I imagine Katniss will be in something similar.
I go down stairs in time to see Effie waving me on.
"We are on a tight schedule. A Big, big day today!" she is saying in her Capitol accent. "Peeta, please show us where your studio is." I smile at her and lead her down the hall to the room that used, I guess what you would call an office, but I moved all the furniture out when the canvas and paints arrived.
Once I let everyone in I hear the collective intake of breath. I guess no one who has had this talent in the past used it to paint the games.
Effie is the one to recover first, of course, and she says,"Well, Peeta, these are just breathtaking."
The camera crew starts walking around doing close ups of the paintings. I feel like I should be saying something, explaining my actions, but I just stay still and smile when a camera is pointed on me. Effie pulls me to the side and says quickly, "Now I need to go check on how things are going with Katniss. Portia will be getting you ready to come outside in thirty minutes. I want you to put on a smile now, Peeta. You are excited for the tour, aren't you?"
"Of course, I am, Effie," I say with a smile. "It's just a lot to get used to after being back home again." She nods her head in an understanding manner, even though she is from the Capitol and will probably never understand the kind of horror that is associated with the games. She gives me a quick kiss on each cheek and departs. Portia takes her place in front of me and smiles a quick smile. I can tell she knows that the lovers act is just that, an act. Well, at least on the part of Katniss. I think of what I am going to do, how I am going to keep putting my heart on the line. What a fine mess I have gotten into.
Portia slips me into a thick coat lined with a fur I am not familiar with. "It's Ermine. Cinna's idea. Beautiful and will match the one Katniss is wearing," Portia says, following my gaze to the soft white fur. She buttons me up and says, "Come on now, Peeta. You're a victor, alive and in love, remember?" I nod and smile. "Alright. It is time to get going." I take a breath and wait as everyone files out of the house before me. When I reach the door I see Katniss coming out of her front door. I look down as I walk down the steps, still not completely steady on my artificial leg, and look up in time to see Katniss walking toward me, then suddenly she is running. I catch her and swing her around, but my artificial leg slips from under me and the next thing I know we are on the ground, Katniss on top and we share a sweet kiss. The first one we have had in months. Katniss then pulls me up and tucks her hand under my arm and we go on our way.
The rest of the days seems to fly by. We bid our families' goodbye, wave, and smile to the crowd and load ourselves onto the train. Dinner that night is wonderful, of course, the kitchen staff pulling out all the stops to please us our first night. No one talks very much. Haymitch is trying to sip his alcohol instead of guzzling it and Katniss is clearly someplace else entirely. Probably still back in 12 with Prim or maybe even Gale since I noticed he was missing from the group of people seeing us off. I wonder if not saying goodbye to her "cousin" was weighing on her mind now.
I excuse myself as soon as it seems late enough, even though I know it will be hours before I am really able to sleep. Normally at home I either bake or paint to pass the time until I am tired enough to pass out. Even then the nightmares are still there. Almost every night I wake up paralyzed in fear, unable to move for what seems like an eternity. I think being back on the train might just make them worse. There's no way to open a window on this train, so I am not sure I will be able to sleep much at all.
I pull off the clothes Portia made for me and debate taking a shower. I know I will probably be in prep for most of the day tomorrow, so I decide just to pull on a pair of pajama pants I find in the top drawer in my elaborately decorated room. I sit on the extremely comfortable bed and just look around. I knew when we got home that I would have to go on this tour, but it doesn't make it any easier. Tomorrow we will be in District 11 and I will have to smile and pretend I am happy to have survived when the children they provided, Rue and Thresh, had to die for me to do so. Even though I am happy to be alive, back in the arena, I was happy because I thought my future would include Katniss in love with me.
I don't know how long I sat on the edge of the bed. Eventually the train becomes very quiet and I think I might just walk up and down the train, just for something to do. Go look at my paintings, maybe check out the kitchen car. I am about to get up when I think I hear soft foot falls outside my door and see the shadow of someone passing quietly. I know that will be Katniss, she could sneak up on anything. For a moment I think of asking her if she is ok, why would she be walking around the halls of the train this late? But I decide against it, not really wanting to be alone with her. I still do not know how I am going to deal with that.
I notice when the train stops and I see two sets of shadows pass by towards the front of the train. One is super soft, so I think it is Katniss again, but the other is heavy prints, so it must be Haymitch she is looking for tonight. They must have yet another secret or he is coaching her on how to seem crazy in love with me again. That is when I decide to pull myself up in the bed and pull the covers up to my chin. I notice that I am still very angry with them both for playing me in the arena. I will play my part, but I decide I want to be done with them, both of them, when the cameras are off. I finally fall into a restless sleep with that knowledge on my mind.
Even in my sleep I cannot escape the pain, the anger I feel. I dream of losing her in every way possible. Gale is nice clothes, her in a dress, married. Cato smiling a cruel smile as he plunges his sword into her chest. Her turning her back on me as we walk into our houses in Victor's Village the first day we came back home. I wake up so many times, eyes wide, heart racing, and each time I realize that she will never truly be in my reach anyway. Not in that way, but my subconscious keeps bringing these horrible images into my brain, reminding me again and again that she is not mine.
I am finally roused by Caesar who is telling my lunch is to be served in twenty minutes. I am amazed I am let to sleep so long, I figured my prep team would be going crazy over me all day. I pull on shirt from the top drawer and walk to the dining car. Haymitch is already seated, looking like he is nursing a hangover. Effie, Portia and Cinna walk in a few moments after I sit next to Haymitch. Even though Katniss is not here yet we go on and being lunch. I gather that Katniss has been up since early with her prep team and feel a pang out guilt. While she is getting prodded and poked I got to sleep in? Doesn't seem very fair. I don't say anything, which is good considering that is when she comes in looking quite unlike herself and oozing bad mood all over the place.
I join in the conversation, everyone talking about sleeping well on the train, I agree, but do not add that I did not very much sleeping last night. Then we all begin to talk about how good the food is, which I really do agree. Haymitch picks at a muffin, not saying anything and Katniss keeps pushing around some broth in her bowl. I'm not sure she eats at all. Cinna, Effie, Portia and even I try to get her into the conversation, but she is not in the mood to talk. I wonder what is going through her mind right now. Is it because of the late night? Dreading looking at the families of Tresh and Rue? I wish I could take her aside and ask her. Tell her to talk to me. Then I remember I wrote her off while we are not on camera.
The train stops. I think nothing of it, it happens when they need to refuel. Then we are informed that this is not a routine stop fuel stop, a part of the train has malfunctioned and has to be fixed or replaced. Effie all but loses her cool at this information. An hour stop will throw everything off schedule and well, since she is in charge of getting us where we need to be when we need to be there I can understand why she is upset.
Suddenly Katniss says, "No one cares, Effie!" Everyone just stops, including Haymitch, who I though I saw snoozing a few moment earlier. Instantly I see Katniss become defensive. She snaps, "Well, no one does!" gets up and stalks out of the dining car. For a moment we all just sit there looking after her, looking at each other, avoiding Effie's watery eyes. Haymitch gathers his bearings, gets a look of pure anger on his face and starts to get up to go after her. I quickly get up and say, "Please, let me talk to her, Haymitch." He looks at me for a moment and nods, sitting back down.
As I am wondering where to look first I hear an alarm going off. I see a Capitol aid looking helplessly out a door and I know that must be where she went. Well, here goes writing her off. I tap the guy on the shoulder and say, "I'll get her." He sighs, smiles a little and lets me out the door. A warm breeze assults my face as I drop down and see her sitting a few feet from the end of the train, looking back the way we came. I walk, slowly at first, towards her and try to decide at what I am going to say to her. As I look at her hair fluttering lightly in the breeze I finally realize that even though I am in love with her, I will probably love her the rest of my life, but that I want to be her friend. Someone she can come to when she needs to talk, to laugh and cry, if need be.
As I get closer to her I hear her say to the ground, "I'm not in the mood for a lecture." I smile, she must think I am Haymitch. She should have known better, only I have such heavy foot falls.
"I'll try to keep it brief," I say, sitting next to her in the grass.
"I thought you were Haymitch," she admits.
"No, he's still working on that muffin." I stretch out my artificial leg and ask, "Bad day, huh?"
She watches me settle my leg in and says, "It's nothing." I know there is something on her mind, so I decide not to press her and be honest. I take a deep breath.
"Look, Katniss, I've been wanting to talk to you about the way I acted on the train. I mean, the last train." Another breath, "The one that brought us home. I knew you had something with Gale. I was jealous of him before I even officially met you. And it wasn't fair to hold you to anything that happened in the Games. I'm sorry." I look at her face, she is still looking away, and wait for her to process what I said.
"I'm sorry, too," she says suddenly. She doesn't elebrate and I don't think she needs to apologize for keeping us alive. Again, I tell her the truth.
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about. You were just keeping us alive." I take another breath, might as well keep telling her how I really feel. "But I don't want us to go on like this, ignorning each other in real life and falling into the snow every time there's a camera around. So I thought if I stopped being so, you know, wounded, we could take a shot at just being friends," I finish, kind of lamely. I smile at her and she finally looks at me a smiles a bit in return.
"Okay," she says, looking a bit relieved.
I take a stab at asking her what's really bothering her, "So, what's wrong?"
She goes back to looking away and I know that she, for some reason, is unwilling to tell me. I sigh and say, "Let's start with something more basic." I fish around for something simple, something a friends would know. "Isn't it strange that I know you'd risk your life to save mine…" and she has, "…and I don't know what your favorite color is?"
I watch as a smile forms on her lips. "Green," she answers. That makes sense, she loves the woods. "What's yours?" I don't even have to think to answer. "Orange." I can see it now, the beautiful orange that comes each night.
"Orange?" she says, I know she must think it's crazy. "Like Effie's hair?" I smile in response.
"A bit more muted," I say, still imagining the orange in the sunsets at home. "More like sunset."
She nods, perhaps imagining a sunset as well. Then she grows very still and I can tell she wants to tell me something. She must have decided against it because the next words out of her mouth is, "You know, everyone's always raving about your paintings. I feel bad I haven't seen them."
"Well, I've got a while train car full." I stand up and offer her my hand. "Come on." She takes my hand and I help her up. We walk hand and hand back to the train. It's nice to be holding her hand. For real friendship this time, with no cameras around. At the door Katniss says, "I've got to apologize to Effie first."
"Don't be afraid to lay it on thick," I say. We walk back to the dining car and I see a small smile play on the lips of Portia and Cinna as they take in our hands intertwined together. Katniss does overdo it on the apology and we listen to a few things from Effie about us being under a lot of pressure and how one of us has to make sure we get everywhere on time.
I lead Katniss down to the car the holds all of my paintings. As she takes them in I see her go very, very still.
