Bleeding Heart, Vanishing Soul
By Koinaka
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.
—Foolish Games, Jewel
Chapter Two
The first time Kurt thought he saw Jimmy was a month after his disappearance. He had been at the park with the twins waiting for Claire to finish with her piano lessons when he caught sight of a familiar figure sitting across the way on a park bench—a familiar figure wearing a trench coat.
In the time it took Kurt to gather the twins and their belongings up, he was gone.
The second time was over a month later when he was leaving rehearsal late one night. He didn't like Claire being alone with the twins with no transportation, so Kurt always took the train from Chicago to Evanston and left Claire with the Navigator when he had night-time rehearsals.
One thing after another led to the rehearsal running much later than usual, so it was nearly midnight when Kurt walked the short distance from the rehearsal hall to the train station. He was just about to board the train when he saw him. Kurt was halfway across the platform before he even had time to think.
"Jimmy!" he called as he hurried. The closer he got the more sure he felt that it was Jimmy, but when Kurt was finally able to make his way to where the man had been standing only moments ago, he was nowhere to be seen.
After each sighting, Kurt would dutifully call the detective in charge of Jimmy's case, Detective Montgomery, and tell him what he'd seen.
Detective Reginald "Reggie" Montgomery was a no nonsense detective who had spent the better part of three decades on the Chicago Police department before transferring to the Evanston Police Department. Since Jimmy's disappearance, Kurt had developed a rapport with the aging detective. Whether it was because Reggie's wife had a fondness for opera or because Jimmy had been a member of Reggie's church congregation, Kurt didn't know, but what he did know was that Reggie often went above and beyond the call of duty in regards to following any leads regarding Jimmy's disappearance.
However month after month went by with no further sighting and absolutely no credible leads, frustrating both Reggie and Kurt.
"People don't just disappear into thin air," Kurt insisted over coffee one day. It was the sixth month anniversary of Jimmy's disappearance, and he knew that with each passing day it became less and less likely that Jimmy would ever be found.
"No, they don't," Reggie agreed softly, his dark eyes full of sympathy. "I think that maybe it's time for you to seriously consider the fact that Jimmy isn't missing."
Kurt's breath hitched in his throat. When he spoke again, his voice wavered. "Meaning?"
Reggie gave Kurt a pointed look. "It's been six months, Kurt. If he were alive, don't you think that someone—anyone—would have seen him?"
"I have seen him!" Kurt exclaimed right away.
Reggie didn't seem convinced. "You thought you saw him, Kurt, but both times it was from a distance, and no one else has ever reported seeing him. It's time to accept the fact that he's not coming home," he paused. "Accept that fact that he can't come home because—"
"Don't say it," Kurt ground out, flinging his chair back and standing up abruptly. "He's not dead—he's not. I would know if he was."
Reggie called after him, but Kurt didn't stop until he was in his car. Then, and only then, did he allow himself to fall completely apart.
The next day the Evanston Police Department closed his case.
Kurt never stopped watching though, never stopped looking for him. He hung up flyers; offered rewards, everything he could think of to do, but still month after month went by with no news.
In the meantime, he did what he had to do so that he could go on with his life as best he could. He still had the boys and Claire to think about, so he tried to put on a happy face for them. The boys were growing by leaps and bounds. Claire was growing up as well, struggling to find her place in the world. Between orchestrating his, the twins' and Claire's schedules, he often didn't have much time to fall apart. He ran from the moment he woke up to the moment he fell asleep. Sometimes he thought he even ran after that since three mornings out of seven he woke up still feeling exhausted.
He wasn't completely alone, however, even if it often felt like he was. He had an amazing circle of friends and fellow cast members that he spent a ridiculous amount of time with due to his rehearsals and then his performances once the season opened. The twins' nanny, a former student of Jimmy's named Ashleigh was also a complete godsend. Not to mention the members of Jimmy's congregation. It was almost comical because before his disappearance, Kurt hadn't ever stepped foot inside the walls of his church, but now that he was gone, Kurt attended regularly. Not because he had had a profound revelation about God being real or anything of the sort but because he felt closest to Jimmy when he was there. Plus, he knew how important it was to Jimmy that Claire and the boys be raised in the church. Kurt had always fought tooth and nail for the kids to be allowed to make their own decision once they were old enough, but now, with Jimmy gone, it seemed like such a silly argument. It hadn't even seemed to matter in the least that he'd never attended before because everyone there—the women especially—took him under their wings. Thanks to them, the boys always had a plethora of play dates to choose from, and Kurt had more child-rearing advice than he would ever possibly need.
But he needed more than a support system because underneath it all he was lonely—unbearably lonely. Every so often he would hear from one of his old friends—from Mercedes or Tina or even from Rachel a time or two—but it was never enough. His relationship with his dad was rocky at best. Like Reggie, he didn't think Jimmy was missing, but unlike Reggie, he thought that Jimmy had just left, had just walked away from his family.
"He would never do that," Kurt swore hotly the first time his dad had mentioned it—only weeks after his disappearance.
"He wasn't himself, Kurt, you said that yourself. He was sick. Maybe—"
Kurt cut him off. "You're right, he was sick. That's why it is imperative that we find him, Dad, because something is obviously wrong. He wouldn't just leave—he wouldn't. He loves me. He loves us. I know he does."
"I'm not saying that he doesn't," his dad said then. "All I'm sayin' is that maybe you should consider the possibility that he just… needed a break from everything."
"No. He didn't leave because he needed a break."
His dad sighed. "How do you know?"
"Because I know. He didn't take any money with him or any clothes other than what he was wearing. If—and it's a big if—he had packed up his things and cleared out his bank account, then maybe I would give your idea some consideration, but he didn't. "
They never talked about it again. In fact, they hardly spoke at all, and when they did their conversations were always stilted and nearly always centered on the boys or Finn and Rachel's daughter, Esther.
As the first anniversary of Jimmy's disappearance drew closer, Kurt began to lose hope. With every passing day, it became likelier that Jimmy wasn't coming home either because he couldn't—because he was, like Reggie thought, dead—or because he simply didn't want to.
And then he did.
It happened on a Friday afternoon. Growing up Friday nights had always been family nights at the Hummel house. That was one tradition that Kurt and Jimmy had adopted as their own when they moved in together and then, later, when they married. Kurt had kept up with them even after Jimmy went missing unless he had a performance to go to. When Jimmy was there, they always ended up piled together in the living room watching movies and eating junk food. Since his disappearance, however, Kurt and Claire steered clear of that. They did activities instead, and since Claire enjoyed crafts, they did a lot of that. They scrapbooked or made jewelry while the boys did their own toddler friendly crafts. Their most recent activity was cake decorating.
They were in the middle of decorating a cake—well, Kurt and Claire were decorating a cake, the boys were decorating themselves with cake while the newest addition to the family, the eight week old yellow Labrador puppy Kurt had been coerced into buying the previous week, licked cake off of them—when the doorbell rang.
Kurt exchanged a look with Claire as chaos descended around them. The doorbell ringing had startled Lucy, the puppy, which caused Elijah to cry.
"Are you expecting anyone?" Kurt asked, scooping up Elijah with one arm.
Claire shook her head. "No."
Kurt sighed and headed to the door, soothing Elijah as he did. Not even bothering to look out the peephole, he opened the door and froze.
Standing in front of him, looking like he had the day he left, was Jimmy.
