Barbie Richards was on the road in her '98 Corvette Convertible. She was taking her boyfriend Ken Berkley and the person she thinks is her friend, Becky Cunningham to the Cape Cod Resort in Kennebunkport, ME.
"After all of this sleuthing, I'd think we'd need a break." Barbie said. "Now where do I turn?" She looked around and they were off the road.
"YOU DROVE OFF THE ROAD 30 MILES AGO!" Becky yelled, obviously angered.
"The man at the gas station said it was a short cut. And I bought these great potato chips for 30 dollars." Barbie said, acting uppity.
"He swindled you and then wanted you dead! I wouldn't swindle you but I do want you dead!" Becky retorted.
"Becky, Becky, Becky, you and those odd jokes. So, how's being handicapped?" Barbie inquired.
"YOU TELL EVERYONE ON THE PLANET I'M HANDICAPPED THAT YOU MEET! Now give me the map, I want to find where we are."
"No." Barbie said. "I'm the only one who looks at the map!"
"Barbie, give Becky the map. No offense, but she's the only one who knows what she's doing!"
"See?" Becky said, angrily.
"Fine." Barbie handed Becky the map and she studied it.
"Turn right then when you get to the rest stop, turn left and keep going."
The next morning…
The Corvette rolled in to the hotel. While the wheelchair lift brought Becky to the ground, she criticized Barbie on her driving.
"HOW HARD IS IT TO FOLLOW THOSE DIRECTIONS? SIMPLE AS CAN BE, YET IT TOOK YOU 8 HOURS TO GET TO THE REST STOP AND FOUR TO GET TO THE RESORT?"
"Oh Becky, I know what your saying is all in good fun!" Barbie said. Becky muttered something nasty under her breath as she rolled into the hotel.
"Hi, I'm Molly Tekawitha son of Blackbear Kewskathata Tecumseh Lakota Sioux, I'm part Indian. Not with the dots but the Casino owners."
"Oh, aren't you the one's with the Hindu? And the god with all those arms?" Barbie asked. Becky lowered her head in embarrassment.
"That's the East Indians." Then an annoying man ran from the elevator.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" the annoying man said.
"Professor? What is it? By the way, this is our longest resident guest Professor Phillip Fitzgibbons, he has a doctorate in Archaeology", said Molly Sioux.
"Hello, I have discovered something behind a painting! It's a strange riddle but knowing me with my short term memory I won't remember!" he said.
"Why that's amazing! Let's go take a look!" Molly said. Every jerk in the room went up the elevator. Barbie made Becky take the stairs. Everyone was now in the Professor's library, except Becky, who couldn't walk up the stairs.
"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Becky screeched as she got into the room. Everyone looked in shock as Becky got to the room. "I can't believe all you JERKS made an obviously handicapped person climb the STAIRS!" Ken, who was only a semi-jerk, ran downstairs to get Becky's wheelchair.
"So, who built this hotel, Molly?" Becky asked.
"Well, an eccentric man named Monsieur Jacques LeBeaux constructed this when his family from Nantes, France came here by order of the king to charter the land of Quebec in the late 1600s. Our family, the Algonquin Indians lived very close to here and owned the land; we gave him the entire state of Maine. He offered us 30 francs and a compass. We took it." Molly explained.
"And I'm annoying!" The professor stated.
"Yes you are", Becky said.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Uh-oh, looks like someone else is after this treasure too!" said the idiot.
"The only person that's downstairs right now, is our resident chef, the boathouse teen and some annoying kid that breaks things!" Molly said.
"What is your chef's name?" Becky asked.
"Chef Rouen Marie Antoinette Sauvignon Charlotte LeBeaux!" Molly said.
"It was her…" Becky said.
"It's obviously the boathouse man!" Barbie said.
"HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? You collect enough evidence and you make some cockamamie accusation without any EVIDENCE!" Becky yelled.
"Let's go everyone!" Every jerk in the room and Becky exited to get some coffee when the black clothed figure broke into the library ripped up the painting, photocopied it and left pieces of it everywhere.
"Look! There's only one piece of the painting left!" said the jerk professor.
"Someone must have been here!" Becky said. "I'll tag along with the airheaded moron so she won't do anything terribly stupid!" Barbie went to the dining hall to find the "annoying kid who breaks things".
"Hi, I'm Andy!"
"Hi, I'm Barbie! Why are you here?"
"I'm the annoying kid that breaks things. My parents are ambassadors to Libya, so they leave me at this 5-star hotel to stay. I really am lonely."
"AWWWWWWWWW… that's so SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"
"Shut up! Go pick up a steak knife and shove it down your throat!" Becky screamed.
"Oh, don't mind Becky. She's our little handicapped comedian! Her story was, she was on her toilet, and a tornado came and destroyed her house, killing her entire family, picking her up, tossing into a cornfield. IT PARALYZED HER FOR LIFE!" Barbie said.
"Argh…" Becky frowned. "So, what's your relationship with the chef?"
"Oh, Cheffy? That's what I call her, she's kind of mean, but she does cook things for me, in exchange for lots of guns from Libyan arms dealers!"
"Hmm… is she giving them to the boathouse man? Because he's the culprit!" Barbie said.
"Wow, you're stupid."
"I'll take that as a compliment!" Barbie said, defiantly to Becky. Becky placed her hands over her face, angered by Barbie's face. Becky wheeled into the kitchen to find Chef Rouen LeBeaux.
"Ms. LeBeaux, you're under arrest!" Becky said.
"BECKY! Stop accusing the lady of things you aren't sure of."
"I hate you!" Becky said to Barbie.
"Well, I'm sorry but I have to put on this black hat and trench coat and go dirt biking!" the Chef said.
"Okay, have a fun time!" Barbie said. She put on her disguise and ran out the door.
"Barbie, chase after her you moron!"
"Okay! Let me put on all the safety gear!" Barbie said. She put so much on she could barely drive the bike.
"Take off some of that gear!" Becky yelled. "If you do, you can catch her!" Suddenly she stopped.
"What are you doing?"
"My leg fell asleep!" The figure got off the dirt bike and ran toward the hang gliders. Barbie got off the bike, took off the safety gear and walked to the hang gliders.
"Here, take these. They'll cut the fabric out of the figure's hang glider! Please don't screw this up, I'll go too just in case you do something stupid!" Becky said. They got to chasing the figure.
"You'll never catch me!" the figure said in a French-voice.
"Nice try Zach the Boatman!" Barbie said. "Trying to sound like the chef, how disgusting! Take this!" She threw the fabric cutters at Becky's hang glider.
"YOU AIRHEADED MORON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?" Becky screeched. The four more she provided tore through Becky's hang glider and it flew out of control and into the wall of the lighthouse.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Becky screamed and crashed into the wall.
"Oh no, Becky!"
"You airheaded moron! Go get the villain!" The villain threw steak knives and seasonings at Barbie's hang glider, nailing her to the wall.
"YOU IDIOT! If I had good legs I would kick you so much, you'd be in the wheelchair!" Becky said. "I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW OBLIVIOUS YOU ARE TO YOUR OBJECTIVE, YOU DON'T LISTEN TO EVIDENCE OR ME BUT YOU ARE SUCH A MORON! WHERE'S YOUR BRAIN? WHERE?" Becky knocked on Barbie's head, it was hollow, nothing was in there.
Spring Break, Cancun, 1992
"Let's play SWORD LIMBO!" Ken said. Barbie went through but it cut the top of her head off. When she was rushed to surgery, no one could find her brain so they put a bouncy ball in place of her brain.
"It's amazing you remember to breathe!" Becky said. Finally, Becky reached for Barbie's steak knives and cut them down from the lighthouse.
"Let's see what's in the lighthouse!" Becky said. They took the elevator up to find the figure and Andy (the annoying kid that breaks things according to the Indian)
"Sorry, it's time for you to go, Becky! Andy, charge her!" yelled Rouen LeBeaux. Andy ran for Becky, but Becky rammed her hand on the joystick propelling her against Andy, knocking him out the window of the lighthouse.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" he yelled and he landed on the steak knife that fell blade up when it dropped. The villain took a hook down a line and Barbie jumped on her legs.
"FINALLY! The airheaded moron does something smart!" Becky said.
"Let's see who's under the trench coat!" Barbie said, intimidatingly. Pulling off the trench coat she saw Rouen LeBeaux.
"Nice try, Zach the Boatman! Trying to disguise yourself as Rouen LeBeaux!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Becky yelled as Ken ran up the stairs to the lighthouse with his hang glider.
"Hey Ken, Barbie the Moron is being the biggest MORON!" They were over Molly's garden and Becky cut the line with a steak knife causing Barbie and Rouen to fall into Molly's greenhouse.
"Oh my… Zach the Boatman in the Rouen LeBeaux costume!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Becky yelled as LeBeaux ran from the greenhouse and to the boathouse. Becky took Ken's hang glider to the boathouse as two idiots ran up to the boathouse to arrest Zach while Becky was hang gliding above the water, following Rouen Le Beaux in her boat.
"You will never catch me, American!" Becky got low enough to her fuel tank to drain it and leave her dead in her tracks.
At the Boathouse…
"But I started working here a week ago! I barely know anything about the place!" Zach protested as Becky flew into the boathouse, Ken running in with her wheelchair, Becky dropped in, dropping LeBeaux on the ground.
"This is your criminal! Rouen LeBeaux, she was angry at Molly for retaking her ancestor's land that they bought back, she stole the antique's from the Professor's library and hid them from Molly. She would then proceed to tell the professor that Molly misplaced the articles, have him go public and retake her ancestor's property! She used the kid to get guns for whatever reason and he lies dead at the foot of the lighthouse!" Becky said. She led people up to the lighthouse with the photocopy of the back of the painting. North, South, East, West, guide my safely to the rest, it read. She opened the lighthouses light, finding the French compass, the 1600s French Francs, 10 Indian Beads necklaces, a hunting knife, and a charter by King Charles of France.
"My goodness!" the Professor said, the only jerk that heard Becky. Some reporters burst through the door with Molly, knocking the Professor off the lighthouse, ultimately killing the only witness to Becky's reasoning.
"So Barbie, how did you solve this caper?" a jerk reporter asked.
"Well… actually!" Becky started. But closed her eyes, in dread of another near death experience. She felt her hands move around a cord and felt like she was flying. She opened her eyes, seeing her wheelchair falling onto the beach, and swinging on the cord that she cut that landed Barbie in Molly's greenhouse.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Becky yelled as Barbie took all the glory. "YOU AIRHEADED MORON!"
In the Lighthouse…
"Well, I found the photocopy and I opened up this light and found the treasures! And there's my handicapped assistant Becky, she is a wild one! Here's her story, she was on her toilet when a tornado came to her house, destroying it completely, killing her family. Then when she tried to escape the tornado sucked her up and flung her to a cornfield, PARALYZING HER FROM THE WAIST DOWN FOR LIFE!" Barbie said to the reporters.
The Fathead GazetteHOT DETECTIVE PULLS THROUGH AGAIN
(Assistant Nearly Killed in Daredevil Stunt)
Kennebunkport, ME – Our hot detective from Walla Walla, Washington saves the day once again. A jealous chef and her child accomplice were after a treasure her ancestors gave to the inhabitants of the area. The accomplice was killed along with a professor knocked out a window by a torrent of reporters. Her assistant was paralyzed from now her upper ribcage down, allowing her arms to still function and we have her with us.
"My hatred for Barbie increases a lot more, that selfish airheaded moron will get hers someday and she'll know what it's like to be handicapped like me and Mrs. Applebee, who she left to die when she went to chase Laureen, her business competitor, who sabotaged Mrs. Applebee's wheelchair! She hates the handicapped yet tells my story to everyone! DIE BARBIE!" said her obviously delirious assistant, Rebecca Cunningham of Dixon, Illinois.
