Chapter 2: Reunion
"Edward…" she called my name for the first time since we departed and as they always did, my eyes found hers to see the answer to her calling. It stunned me the sadness I saw in her eyes. It was unthinkable to let them suffer with me. "We're here…if you…we could go inside."
Most certainly she wanted to say: "if I was prepared to go inside". I wasn't but what else could I do? I lifted my head from her lap and I opened the door, keeping the silence and stepping on the icy floor of snow.
Alice ran to my side holding my arm with gentle force, keeping her eyes on my face as she'd done in the car. If I hadn't been able to hear their thoughts or smell them I would have thought that the house was empty. We stepped inside with a grievous slowness and their minds filled up with relief. Instantaneously, the living room was crowded. Even for a vampire it was hard to register everyone's movements. For me it was impossible. The sight of them caused me a new kind of pain, something that I couldn't explain.
Esme caught me first, kissing me motherly on my cheeks and holding me close to her heart like she wanted to steal my pain away. I was like a ghost, even worse than a ghost. She led me to the sofa, throwing a quick glance at Alice, but she didn't say anything. She just kept moving along with us.
What was I supposed to say? What was I supposed to do? I just wanted to be buried somewhere where I couldn't feel anymore, where I couldn't hurt anyone.
They were all concerned about me. Shock was imprinted on their faces. Even Irina, with whom I didn't have much contact, had compassionate thoughts towards me. Carlisle was on my side too, scrutinizing every part of me, plotting like Alice to do something for my benefit. And it was silence, just like it had been ever since I left her, with me incapable to say a word or at least look them in the eyes.
Surprisingly for my nature, my eyes were aching. Everything happened so fast like they had rehearsed their movements before. I let Esme place me on the sofa where they couldn't see my trembling legs and I covered my head with my hands squeezing hard, but it wasn't enough to make it explode.
I was in a trance of unconsciousness, but still Rosalie's thoughts made my head snap up. She was the only one that didn't feel pity for me, the only one that accused me for what I've done. And she was perfectly right.
"YOU STUPID MORON! What was in your mind to leave? Who gave you the right to decide for all of us? You have no rights. You are just a masochist mule. Just when we had a life, something that was so close to humanity you had to ruin everything. To take everything from us. From you…Have you seen how you look? You're lifeless, Edward, lifeless." Her mental yells were absolutely justified and I wasn't going to argue with her or make her stop. "And you come here like a martyr begging pity when you left her of your own accord. You're shameless, Edward. How do you dare to suffer when you left willingly?" My face twisted in pain and I couldn't stop it. It was much stronger than me. Everyone's eyes were directed toward her shooting her with reproachful looks. She was right in accusing me, but she didn't know what she was thinking. I would have never left willingly her side.
"STOP IT, Rosalie, right now!"
I was startled like a child by his strong and angry voice. Emmett had never called her Rosalie; she has always been Rose for him, never shouted at her. I could see that it had hurt her but the rage was stronger.
"Great Emmett, defend him, defend him because your poor little brother needs it," her thoughts continued with an ironical tone, "What you need, Edward, is to face the truth. As much as I don't want to admit it, she is probably suffering much more than you do right now and who cares about her? No one. Not even you. You left her. Now deal with that. Do–"
The truth of this shot through me arrows of burning grief. And it was more than I could bear, more than I could hear.
"Enough…" I said as I rose to my feet. My voice sounded so weak it could have been confused with an echo. Almost I couldn't recognize it. The attention turned back to me. Everyone seemed shocked to hear me speak again, except for Carlisle and Alice. They were relieved, almost grateful.
"Ohh…it's not enough. Don't you dare make me feel compassion for you. You knew very well from the beginning that this will end badly. And you should be grateful that it didn't end as bad as I'd expected. She's alive and you will be able to continue your life…WITHOUT MAKING ME FEEL SORRY FOR YOU."
"Enough…" I repeated closing my eyes for a second and Emmett sprinted toward her pulling her out of the room. I didn't need Jasper's ability to feel the anger emanated from her.
For a moment it was just silence, but now I needed to talk. To make my way out.
"I'm sorry," I said under my mother's affectionate stroking.
"No, Edward, no…" she hurried to interrupt me. "You don't have to be sorry. Whatever Rosalie was thinking it's the result of her anger. Please, don't pay attention."
"She was right…in one way or another she was right."
Due to the family conversation that was on the point of commencing, Tanya came close to me, patting my shoulder.
"We don't want to interrupt you and I think it will be best for us to retire. Edward, my dear, you know that you are always welcome here. Your room is ready and I hope you'll stay with us." Kissing gently my cheek and looking into my eyes one more time she retired along with her family.
I sat on the sofa and looked every one of them in the eyes before I spoke gain. They all had looks of kindness and understanding which made me feel guilty that I'd accepted to come here. Finally, I decided that the truth was the only way I could use with them.
"I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I made you leave and that I ruined your lives, but I didn't have another choice."
"It was all my fault. You should have banished me. I would have understood. I wouldn't have complained. You don't deserve…it's my…"
"No, Jasper, it is not your fault." I knew that my words wouldn't make him feel better or convince him, but it was my duty to make him understand that I meant them. "I was the only one who put her in danger on every possible occasion. And I had to go away."
"But this is killing you."
"As long as she is safe I will be fine." But fine was infinitely far from how I was. "I want to thank you for your kind thoughts. I don't deserve any of it," I continued, in spite of my voice that was shaking visibly. Word by word I was coming closer to the truth of my intentions while Alice was repeating in her head "You won't go, you won't go, you won't go". Eventually, I had to say it out loud. "I don't know if I will be able to stay."
"You'll stay, Edward!" she clutched my arm with all her force. If I'd been human my arm would have turned to dust.
"I don't think you're seeing that, Alice." I knew exactly what she was seeing. According to her visions I was to leave three weeks from now but it was difficult to think that I will resist for so long.
"As you can see I'm not much of a company and I don't want you to pass through this with me. It's not fair for you and I won't…"
"Edward, stop." Carlisle's voice was strong and firm. I couldn't do anything, but listen to him. "You are not putting us through anything. We want to help you. We love you, Edward. We don't do anything because we have to. We do it because we want to."
"I know…I know. But that doesn't cover the fact that I need to go. I'm sorry…"
"At least stay for a while, maybe you'll reconsider, maybe you will not need to go away…after a while." Esme's internal thoughts confirmed me that she was hoping for me to reconsider to come back to Forks…to her. They didn't have the slightest idea how hard it was not to come back.
"I'll try," I promised her and I had to try. I owed them that much.
I felt like the earth was split up in two, like I couldn't handle the situation for much longer and I knew that my time was up. I couldn't repress my anguish for too long. I rose to my feet while Emmett was entering the room alone. I felt guilty again, seeing how I was creating conflicts between the ones that I called family. Alice and Esme rose with me, neither of them letting me loose. I kissed both of them, first Esme and then Alice who promised me again "I will make you happy, Edward. I swear I'll find a way." I would have given everything to believe her, but I couldn't. Nothing could make me happy again. Nothing, except Bella. But she was an impossibility.
I turned my back on them and they didn't make anything to hold me back even if every one of them thought almost the same thing "He must not stay alone." I embraced Emmett on my way out and whispered in his ear "I'm sorry." I didn't know how to express my regrets. I was a plague and my calamities were spreading out on them.
I made myself invisible on the stairs and in five seconds I was closed in the room that Tanya had offered me. Everything was arranged in thoroughly order, with all my belongings, with everything I liked, even a piano. Unfortunately for their efforts to make me feel comfortable, I wasn't going to use any of the objects in the room. I just wanted to crouch myself in some place where I couldn't see again the light. I sat beside the couch, curling into a ball, and closed my eyes.
Instantaneously, like nothing had ever changed, Bella's face appeared under my eyelids with a peaceful smile on her lips, running with her arms outstretched. I scraped the floor with my nails as I realized that she was running toward me. My nature didn't allow me to sleep or dream, but apparently I could make dreams of my own. Having her so close in my mind eased to some degree the pain I felt.
She was roaring with laughter the moment she reached me and she threw her hands over my neck, kissing me ardently, then she was dragging me in a circular place in the woods. Our meadow.
I gasped as the memory thrilled my heart. The mixture of feelings that I had in that moment was impossible to explain. Excruciating pain and unparalleled joy. It stunned me. Without thinking of the consequences I opened my eyes. And I was alone, crouched on the ground. The anguish hit with unimaginable force directly in my empty chest. I didn't have her. I will never have her.
Like an addict I took refuge in the memories I had of Bella and the dreams I made up because there were just dreams, without a chance to become real. I ignored the days and nights passing. For my own sanity, I lost count of them. I was sitting in the same position with my eyes closed, adoring Bella. But one of the disadvantages of being a vampire, in my situation, was that I could hear everything, even the unsaid words.
Downstairs Emmett and Rosalie were fighting again because of me.
"What was in your mind Rose? What were you thinking?"
"Oh…so I'm Rose now?"
"Don't change me the subject. You haven't told me what were you thinking and I want to know."
"I wasn't thinking anything I shouldn't. I was just telling him the truth, meaning that he is guilty for this entire situation and that he has no rights to complain."
"Oh…Rose, for God's sake what's gotten into you? He is suffering. Don't you think that he needs a bit of understanding?"
"See, that's the thing. He hasn't the right to come here to beg pity or comprehension."
"Shut up. He isn't begging anything. We love him and for that we want him to be happy. We are trying everything even if it's not working. And I'll try my hardest, Rose. I'll do everything to erase that shadow from his face. Do you understand?"
"Yeah, I love him too…"
"It doesn't look like it."
"…but that doesn't mean that I will feel compassion for him. He made it with his own hand. Now he has to deal with it."
"Exactly, Rose. And you are making it harder for him without any necessity."
Through Rosalie's infuriated eyes I saw Alice dancing across the room with a gloomy and serious expression on her face. What was I doing? I was blasting their happiness with my sorrow, I was taking away from them every smile or hope.
"Would you shut your mouths up? Both of you!" she said after she sat on the sofa with her legs crossed. "You are not making it better if you fight. He still can her you and I can assure you that in this precise moment he is blaming himself for every disaster in the world. Besides, I can't think with you chattering all day."
"He wouldn't be wrong in blaming himself."
"Rose…" both of them hissed at her with menacing looks.
"If you can't control your thoughts around here," Alice continued in her speech, "it will be better for you to make a voyage or something."
"And now I'm cast out."
"No, you're not, but I won't permit you or anyone else to disturb him in any way."
Without a word Rosalie left the room exasperated.
"Go and stop her." Alice told Emmett. "I don't want to have her on my conscience for what stupidity she might do." Before Alice could finish her sentence, Emmett was already out of the door racing after Rosalie.
I didn't need visions of the future to know what will happen next. The answer was right there in Alice's head. In a minute she was on my door, knocking hesitatingly. I've barely had time to lift myself in an acceptable position that she was inside whispering my name with fear in her voice – fear to not break me.
"Edward," she murmured and she came to my side, taking my head in her lap like she'd always done when she was trying to comfort me. We sat still for a long time, the only thing moving was Alice's hand stroking my cheek. Finally, the stillness was broken and she began whispering again.
"You didn't think that I was going to let you here alone for much longer, did you?"
"I don't know if I'm able to think anymore."
"Oh, Edward." She kissed me on my forehead scrutinizing my features. I lay in her arms like a child and to my utter astonishment it felt good. It was like a ray of hope that I had gripped after so much time. I was sure, though, that it hadn't passed too long since I left Forks. However, to me it seemed like an eternity. "You shouldn't stay alone," she went on. "We could do something…go somewhere." It was a long pause until I've managed to respond.
"It wouldn't make any difference. Probably it will just create more discord and quarrel between you."
"I knew it," she said aloud, then she continued in her mind. "I knew that you were listening to what they were saying, but you should know by now how Rosalie is. Don't pay attention to her. She realizes she's wrong even if she doesn't admit it."
"The fact is that it was wrong to come here." She took my head firmly in her hands, looking me in the eyes and closing her mind. As always it was frustrating to not know what was passing through her mind, but it wasn't so difficult to imagine. I was wrong in leaving Forks, she would have said. I didn't want to believe that because if I had had the slightest doubt regarding my decision, I would have come back quicker than in a heart beat.
"What are you thinking?" I asked her more out of habit than of curiosity. She swiftly avoided my gaze, making it look like she was glancing outside the window, but I knew better. She was keeping something from me. Something that she knew it wouldn't be good for me to know. A sudden wave of anxiety caught me. In a flash I lifted from her lap, searching the answer in her eyes, but it lay well hidden behind them. I couldn't make myself stop thinking about the worse.
"Alice, stop translating songs in Cyrillic, you are driving me mad."
"At least you have a reaction," she tried unsuccessfully to distract me.
"What are you not telling me? Please say it, don't spare my feelings just say what you have to say." I was begging now, but not begging for what she had to tell me. I was begging to hear something that didn't contain the confirmation of my thoughts.
"I don't know if I should tell you. Maybe it's too much for you –"
"Alice…" I interjected, anxious by the second.
"After we left," she began and I was terrified that my fears will be corroborated. "I kept checking on her. To see how she is handling. To see if she's keeping her promise."
A flash memory came back to me.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid." I had implored her before I left. And she had promised me with the most sincere look in her eyes. I'd believed her entirely. She couldn't have gone back on her word. Shaking my head I listened to Alice.
"And she kept it so far. But Edward, even if she has no immediate plans to break her promise I don't know for how long she will want to do it. She's a mess…No, not a mess. She's lifeless. Just like you. Do you think this will–"
"It has to be right, Alice."
I fell involuntary to the ground. I wanted to tell her to go away, to leave me alone. I couldn't hide anymore my pain. It rushed over me like thorns of fire.
"I knew I shouldn't have told you," she started while she was pulling me toward her.
"N-no…y-you…" I stammered, incapable to form a sentence. "I want to be alone…please." She almost began to argue but as she caught my eye she rose to her feet and whispered slowly before she left the room. "I love you. Don't forget that."
If I'd considered my pain unbearable, the knowledge of Bella's pain was agonizing, devastatingly torturous. I remained still as the pain sunk in, my bones seeming to melt inside me. It was beyond me to allow something to hurt her. And that something was me. I had to remember all the reasons that hurled me away from her arms, to not spring to a run directly toward Forks.
To continue to exist I lost myself again in the dreams that helped me survive. For the most part I was oblivious to my surroundings or the people that inhabited the house. Everything was colorless, except her smile that I was always finding behind my eyelids. Time was passing. Even if I wasn't particularly conscious about it, I could feel it. She entered the room like a goddess from a fairy tale, without knocking this time. Again, I felt relieved to see Alice beside me.
"You should hunt," she commanded as she dragged me upwards. I was about to tell her that I didn't need to hunt, that I'm not thirsty, when I saw her deeply sad eyes. "It has passed more than three weeks since the last time you hunted."
I had to digest carefully the information before I was able to understand the source of her sadness. Three weeks. Maybe she knew better than me or maybe she was entirely wrong because I hadn't put any thought in leaving. Yet.
Still, the expression on her face was grieved and certain and in her eyes I could see that she felt betrayed. It irritated me to discover that she was getting better at closing her mind. She was thinking about the most unimportant things when her eyes and reactions showed something completely different.
"Don't you bother to tell me that you won't hunt! You are coming with me and Jazz."
She looked away from me, trying desperately to hide her feelings by being cold and detached, but I knew her perfectly well. My hand grasped her arm automatically.
