I own nothing.
Fair warning, this is uber-angsty.
I felt the familiar warmth pulsing through my body. Reaching down, I gripped his black hair, holding him tightly against me. I closed my eyes to the world and lifted my hips from the bed, pushing myself against his mouth. A soft cry slipped from my lips as I shuddered my release.
"Laissez-moi," I said in stilted French, slipping out of the bed and cleansing myself with a silent Evanesco. Pulling on a silk robe, I stepped to the window and waited for the sound of the door.
It was Christmas again.
I hadn't been back to England since the divorce. It had been nearly two years now.
It had been my own self-indulgence that kept me away at first. I'd deserted the man who had stood by my side for so long, the man who had pledged his life and love to me. Ron had known we were broken, but I had been ashamed.
So I ran.
I'd gone to Severus that night. I cried and shattered into a million pieces. He didn't say a word; he let me break and then he put me back together. One kiss, one touch, one piece at a time, he rebuilt me. We'd been friends for so many years and I never knew his depth. Not until that night. He had shown me more passion than I'd thought him, or any man, capable of.
And I used him. He made me burn for the first time in years and I scorched him with his own flames. I broke yet another promise.
I left.
What had it gotten me? A tiny flat in Paris, a crappy job and a poor substitute for the man that I couldn't forget.
Wiping the tears from my cheek, I turned around, grateful that David was gone. I threw some robes on and quickly packed my overnight bag.
X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X
A fierce torment washed through me as I stood in front of his house in Spinners End, the memories as fresh as the day I'd gone. The rain was seeping through my clothes, but I couldn't feel it. I watched his door and felt the tears threatening to spill yet again.
He always knew when I was here. So I wasn't surprised when the door opened and he glared at my dripping form on the street.
I don't know how long we stood there. The cold mask of indifference he wore was not unfamiliar to me. The fury and pain so obvious in his voice when he finally spoke, however, was unexpected. It was a testament to the damage I had inflicted.
"Why are you here?" he asked, his voice hoarse.
Because I'm weak. Wasn't that always the answer? I was so god damned weak. I loved him. I needed him. I was nothing without him. "I don't know," I choked out.
His face tightened and he moved to close the door.
"Forgive me, Severus." I knew how pathetic it sounded.
I saw the flash of anger in his eyes as he paused and turned to face me. "You left," he snapped.
I wrapped my arms around myself, shaking from the cold rain that had long since saturated my robes. I must have been a pitiful sight. "I know…I just, I needed time," I whimpered, unable to meet his eyes.
"I needed you, Hermione." His voice was hard.
A flood of desperation ripped through me at his admission and I fell to my knees on the cobblestone sidewalk, my tears mixing with the rain on my cheeks. It felt like hours before I saw his dragon hide boots move into view. He squatted in front of me, gently hooking his finger under my chin and lifting my head to face him.
The rain was soaking him, but he didn't seem to notice as he scrutinized my face. I was thin and I knew the dark circles under my eyes spoke of frequent sleepless nights. "I used to make you smile," he said sadly, seemingly to himself.
I couldn't do this. Standing quickly, I turned and faced away from him. "I'm sorry, Severus. I shouldn't have come," I said shakily before starting down the street.
I had barely made it five steps before I was grabbed from behind and shoved roughly against the brick front of his neighbor's house. Fear wracked my body as he held me against the wall, rage contorting his features. "First you ask my forgiveness and then you think you can just leave! You are unbelievably selfish, witch," he sneered.
My head fell forward as the fear melted away into humiliation. I knew he was right.
Severus released my shoulders and gripped my face instead, forcing me to look at him. "I loved you, Hermione. I loved you before you ever married that redheaded halfwit. I loved you when you found out you'd never have children. I loved you when you didn't love him anymore. I loved you when you left him." He paused and pressed his forehead to mine, tears shining in his eyes. "I loved you when you left me. Don't do this again, Hermione, I can't take it," he finished, his voice practically a whimper as he dropped his hands.
The shock of his declaration left me wide-eyed and gaping at him. I couldn't assimilate the broken man in front of me with the harsh, calculating man I thought I knew. What had I done to him? "Severus," I breathed, meeting his eyes with more strength in my soul than I had felt in twelve years. "I know it's not enough, but I'm sorry." I slid my hands around his neck and kissed him chastely on the lips. "I am so sorry," I whispered against his mouth, "I will spend the rest of my life proving it if that's what it takes." Slowly, I pulled away and met his black gaze. "If you'll let me," I finished, my uncertainty obvious.
I watched him watch me for an endless age before I finally dropped my eyes, sure that my piteous offering was just that.
"You are fascinating, Hermione Granger." My eyes shot up at his bizarre statement. "So strong and yet so fragile." Furrowing his brow, he looked past me. "I should never have let you stay that night… Of all people, I should have known what you were going through." He paused, seeming to consider his next words carefully, "I hope you found your peace of mind, because I meant what I said," his voice dropped as he met my gaze. "I can't lose you again."
A sad smile found its way to my mouth. "I've missed you, Severus," I whispered.
He pulled me close and I felt the dizzying sensation of apparition.
Twenty minutes later I found myself seated in a familiar, worn love seat, staring at a glass of red wine.
Looking at the man next to me, I smiled. We were a far cry from perfect.
But I would never leave.
I hope that wasn't too mushy!
-Vashtanerada
