Chapter 2: The Silent Water
"And you may find yourself
Behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house
With a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, well
How did I get here?"
May 20, 2018
The day after the tournament
Daniel
I'm just a blob on the couch. Emotionally exhausted, and deep in another round of the allergy attack I've been having since I moved out west. My head is full of tournament brackets, some blank, some with names, branching and branching out into infinity.
"Dad…are you seriously watching Paw Patrol?" I hear Anthony ask.
I feel both my kids come and sit on either side of me, a blur in my peripherals and a slump of cushions. "You used to force me to watch this show all the time. "S'cuse me for gettin' a little nostalgic for Adventure Bay, I'm just catchin' up. They added a few new puppies, and I was wonderin' if Mayor Goodway finally cares about her constituents more than her pet chicken."
"Nope, and there are still no child labor laws," Sam sighs. "Or PETA."
"Dad, I think you're depressed," Anthony says. "Can I turn the pool house into my gaming room if you check into the Betty Ford Clinic?"
"That's for drug rehab, you derp!" Sam says.
"Believe me, it's not far-off to call this a tournament hangover. This whole typhoon of stuff happened so quickly…I just need to wrap my head around it all, and try to figure out where we go from here."
Sam cringes. "You haven't told Mom about opening the dojo yet."
"She's gonna freak," Anthony snickers.
"Guys, c'mon. I haven't told her straight up yet, but…I-I told her I was takin' Robby to Mr. Miyagi's house- she might've inferred what that meant."
"'That presumption sounds like a ticket to sleeping on a mat, Dad," Sam sighs.
"Alright, I gotta tell her, I know."
She nods. "So, while you're coming up with a way to break the news, check this out." She goes in the hope chest and takes out a few thick albums. "Remember you told me to go through that overflowing bin of photos when you cleaned up the pool house? All in chronological order now. With a little scrapbook flair here and there, but not too much. Even Anthony helped."
"I put a bunch of pimp cup stickers on my preschool picture!"
"You guys…this is amazing. You coulda just saved this for a Father's Day present."
"Well, you need it now to remind you that everything's gonna turn out fine." She's always had her mother's positive outlook, sometimes to a fault. "You and mom will work everything out with the dojo and the dealership. If you can handle these two children of the corn, you can do anything."
The three of us sit together, looking at the albums, laughing and talking in a way we haven't in a long time. Honeymoon pics, our first condo. The first dealership. Lots of Mr. Miyagi. Pictures of him holding our first born with "Sammy-chan" written in shaky handwriting.
"Do you remember him at all, Anthony?"
He was only a year old when Mr. Miyagi got sick, and three when he was lowered into the ground. "A little. Like how Charlie remembers Rain Man. Like this cool imaginary friend."
"He was the real deal," I sigh. "Oh my God, ultrasound pictures and everything over here. You guys look like little cannellini beans, and then aliens."
"There was one pic that wasn't fitting into my OCD chronology, though," Samantha says. "This ultrasound. It looks like it says '2005,' but maybe it's Anthony and the '8' got smudged or something?"
And there it is, the rusted nail that still can go through me in one slam. Anytime, without warning, and I've got no defense for it. No name for it. I once thought I knew what helplessness felt like all too well, but I didn't know the half of it. I thought I'd had the shit beaten out of me, but it didn't compare to this.
"Um," In one fell swoop, my hand slips under the thin plastic of the album and the ultrasound is out of there, in my shaky hand. "I-I'll ask mom later, I'm not sure. I'll leave this on my desk to ask her about, and we'll put it where it belongs." I get up from my sunken place on the couch and almost stumble.
"Daddy? Are you okay?" Sam asks, shootin' up. They still add a "Y" to Dad when they're worried. Makes my heart swell every time, but it's killin' me right now. I hear that and I almost break and confess everything. But Amanda has always said, "Kids don't need to be burdened with shit like that."
"I'm fine, sweetheart, I'm just a little overwhelmed by everything today. Tourney hangover, all these memories. Thank you guys, really, I love it, but we can look through the rest later."
"I'll DVR Paw Patrol," Anthony calls after me. I can tell by his voice he's not even raggin' on me, but serious.
A sick feeling overtakes me and I don't know what to do. I tell myself to stop crumplin' the sonagram pic in my clammy fist- it's the only physical proof that this baby ever existed.
Aaand there's Amanda in the master suite. "Ohhey," I stutter. "I- thought you were goin' to spin class."
"It got cancelled. Apparently the new teacher had a scheduling conflict with her yoga class. And guess who sublets to the yoga class- Cobra Kai. Isn't that grody?…Are you okay, babe?"
My face is a pretty open book around here, I guess. "Fine. Just havin' an off day with everything going on, but, I-"
"Alright, Shifty, what's in your hand?" she squints. Her smile slowly drops as the pic passes from my hand to hers. "…oh. Oh. Daniel, I…"
"It, uh…ended up in that mess of pictures in the pool house, I haven't seen it in ages. But Sam and Anthony, they went through them all. You should see what a great job they did with the albums."
She clears her throat. "…remember how I thought I was a weird, morbid person for wanting a printout of this? God, I've seen photoshoots on Facebook with full-term stillborns in frilly little frocks. This wasn't half as cringe-worthy."
"Amanda…we should tell the kids. They saw how weird I acted when I saw it. I think they're plenty old enough now."
"Hon, let's just not go there. There's just no need to revisit this. Why, for what reason?"
"Maybe we should. Maybe it would bring us all closer as a family. God knows we need a little help with Anthony in that department."
"I don't think it's a good idea," she says, and places the picture back in my hand. "You and I need private business, end of story. I don't do the whole…crazy Italian emotional outpouring with the whole family, Daniel, I just can't. That's why we agreed to keep it to ourselves. Remember?"
"Mr. Miyagi knew," I offer quietly.
"I didn't want him to know," she says, turning away with folded arms. "Do you think I wanted anyone but you to know I was a walking hearse?"
"Of course I told him- he went through it himself. He said the best thing I heard from anyone. He didn't say 'Oh, at least you have Samantha," or "you can have another baby,' or 'it's God's will', and all that crap everyone else did. He took my hand and he said, 'There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is.'"
"He stole that quote from Ronald Reagan, actually," she snickers.
"Why do you have to have to make light of everything, huh? Laughin' on the outside, a lot of good that does."
"...It's just what I do, okay? Alright? Because if I talk about it seriously, I have to remember that you weren't there at the ultrasound, Daniel!"
There it is, that rusty nail in me, in one swing of the hammer.
"You weren't sitting in that dark room covered in cold goop when the tech turned the screen away from you," she goes on. "You weren't listening to fucking 'Hollaback Girl' coming out of the ceiling when they told you the baby had no heartbeat. I hate that fucking song so much," she says, storming out of our bedroom.
"Amanda, please, don't. Wait!"
And the same way he came into the world- unexpectedly- there's our rainbow baby smack dab in front of us. "I heard you guys fighting," Anthony says. "Did Dad tell you about opening the dojo, Mom? Are you totally agro?"
What the actual fuck.
"Anthonyyy, go to your room!" I bark.
Amanda closes her eyes, trying to breathe and seethe at the same time. "Daniel. Can we talk. Outside."
A/N: Song lyrics and title are from "Once in a Lifetime" by David Byrne et al. Also, Johnny will be in this later for anyone wondering. :)
