Warning: Suicide attempt in chapter. This is a trigger warning.
Settling in wasn't easy, I'd only been here three days and I think I had maybe one person I liked. No one was particularly friendly, not that I expected a bunch of missing ninja too be, most of them were outright crazy. What I wasn't expecting was the out right loathing I got from Deidara. He had been obsessed with finding out if we were related and forced Kakuzu to run a few tests when he and Hidan returned. It was the only way to shut him up, besides killing him. He was angry at the fact he wasn't an "original", whatever that meant. I was actually kind of happy to have found out that I possibly had a sibling.
The results came a few days later, revealing what I had already guessed. We were indeed identical twins, but I still had no idea as to why we were separated at birth. I also wanted to know why he was raised by the Tsuchikage and I was thrown out like trash.
This inforced Deidara's unneeded hatred towards me. No matter what I did, he would call me Henkei Kaiju, which always ended up with us brawling. Today was no different, and currently Itachi and Kisame were holding us apart.
"What is your problem, un?!" I screamed at him, Itachi pulling me back harder to keep me from punching the daylights out of him. "I haven't done anything to you, and you still hate me. Why?" He spat blood onto the floor, choosing not to answer right then.
"Because to me, you're nothing but a copycat. A wannabe that will never achieve anything, un."
"Me? Ha! I had no idea you even existed until last week!" That hurt him, but he had hurt me much worse. "I'm not trying to copy you, we're twins. Of course we're going to have similar abilities! Are you that dense?" I had relaxed enough that Itachi had let me go, making sure I knew he would take me down if I started up again. Kisame however didn't let Deidara go. He was still shaking, with rage or what I have no idea.
"You aren't me, un." He finally looked up, blood trickling down from his hairline. I'd hit him harder than I meant to. "You never will be me…" He was missing the point, I didn't want to be him.
"I never wanted to be you." I shot back, turning away and walking out of the training room. I needed to cool off.
I sat on the rooftop of the building across the way, not caring that I was getting soaked to the bone and on the verge of hypothermia. This hadn't been what I meant by cooling down, but I would take it. Deidara had enforced the fact that I wasn't needed here, or really wanted. But where else was there for me? I pulled my legs into myself, upset but unwilling to cry. I refused to. I wasn't a child, I could get through this, somehow. It was nothing new for me, but I had been so close to changing that. If Deidara had never attacked the village, would any of this have happened? I asked myself, laying my forehead against my knees.
That's when I noticed the rain wasn't beating down on me anymore. I looked up to see Itachi over me, the umbrella he held shielding us from the rain.
"What are you doing?" He asked, wondering why I would let myself get soaked. I still had yet to figure this guy out. He was the only one that had been remotely nice to me, but he had no reason too. The only interaction I had with him was when he showed me to my room. After that, I mostly talked to Kisame or Sasori. Neither one were favorable to talk to though.
"Lamenting that life sucks…" I told him, setting my chin back on my knee. He didn't even scoff at me. "Why are you here?" Again, he didn't really answer, just watched me with those dark eyes. I sighed, not wanting to deal with his Uchiha-ness and stood up. Only then did I see how wet I really was, my clothes sagging off of me; I probably looked like a pathetic, drowned rat in tattered clothing. He took pity on me and handed me the umbrella while I watched him take off his Akatsuki cloak.
"Here. You'll catch a cold." He said taking the umbrella back and wrapping the cloak over my shoulders. He motioned for me to follow him, least I wanted to get all wet again.
Once back inside, he lead me to our floors washroom. It was warm in here, and I finally felt how cold I had gotten. I was shaking, but I don't remember when that had started. He turned a shower head on to warm the water up, looking back at me like he expected me to be undressed already.
"Er…" I blushed.
"I wasn't planning on staying. I'll get you a new set of clothes." He shook his head at me as he left. I could feel how red my face was, embarrassed my mind had gone there.
Kisame was right, the hot water didn't last very long and I was only able to shower for about ten minutes before it started to go cold. It felt really good against my cold skin though.
I quickly wrapped myself in my towel and hurried to get dressed, but found my clothes were missing. It was the outfit I had come here in, it was all I had. I panicked a little, wondering who had done it when Itachi came back in. I saw him come in from behind me in the mirror. I watched as my face turned red again as he approached. I stupidly tried to cover myself better.
"You've never showered with a team before, have you?" He asked, setting the clothes on the sink next to me. I didn't trust my voice, so I shook my head. " You'll get used to it. Here, your old ones were thrown out." He told me.
"Get used to what? Being naked around guys?" I cursed myself for not having a filter when I got nervous. Why did he make me nervous?
"There's nothing wrong with it. No one is going to try anything here." I wondered if he meant just on this floor. He wouldn't, Sasori for sure wouldn't but the only one that might would be Kisame. "Get dressed, Pein wants to meet you."
I didn't get over the awkwardness of the bathroom incident in time for the meeting. From Itachi's point it hadn't been odd, but he also wasn't the one in just a towel with a guy he barely knew. Maybe that fear just comes from being me...Deidara noticed my avoidance of Itachi and decided to say something when I entered the meeting room.
"You and the Uchiha fucking in the bathroom? Who knew you were that easy, un." He was such a dick...but I had nothing to counter back with.
"Fuck off, will you." I glared at him, but this only encouraged him.
"Tsh, I bet you begged for it." That did it, I threw a premade clay dove at him, letting it expand as it got near him, trapping him in the gooey clay net that sprang from its mouth.
"I'm done with your mind game, un." He looked surprised that I'd caught him so easily. "One more word Deidara, and I swear…"
"She truly is a spit fire." A deep voice sounded from the front of the room. I hadn't seen the man sitting in the shadows before. "Nina, please dispel you jutsu. You're new, but the use of explosives inside are strictly prohibited." A red haired man with far too make piercings stood up from the shadows and walked towards the rest of us. His eye terrified me, they looked cold and almost dead looking The aura around him didn't feel quite right either, the air around him felt too still. Was he alive? I did as he said, the clay falling off of my brother in clumps as I released the jutsu.
"Good. Now that we are all here, I can tell all of you the real mission…"
Pein revealed we were to gather money by doing odd jobs for each country. The money we gathered apparently was going to be used to uproot the shinobi world. So far, I haven't done anything but help gather requests. Personally, I thought it was a waste of my skills. I had traveled around the village to gather intel, but most of them were interested in paying me for something else. Most of those guys ended up face down in a puddle from a swift kick between their legs. There were a lot of shady people here in Amegakure…
After rereading a mission list for the tenth time, someone finally pulled me from this mind numbing "mission" by throwing a kunai at me. It landed right in the middle of the paper I was reading.
"Really? Now I have to rewrite it." I glared at Deidara, who was perched on the back of a chair in the living space. I found out from late night exploring that each floor had a small lounge room in the center. The least used one was the second to the top floor. It was where Pein and Konan lived, but they hardly used it. They used the one in the basement the most. I used this one since it was quiet and easier to get things done here.
"You're on my team, un." He could be cryptic when he wanted to play mind games. "Get ready." He leapt off the chair and walked away, leaving me to figure out what he meant.
Back on my floor, I nearly got decapitated by an angry Sasori launching his tail at me. It hadn't really been aimed at me, but Deidara dodged it and left me standing in the way. Thank Kami I had good reflexes.
"You were supposed to tell her to be ready by now." The puppet growled at my brother.
"Hey, not my fault she wondered upstairs, un!"
I ignored their spat and went to my room, slamming the door shut to get their attention. This only increased their yelling. The doors were not sound proof at all and I heard every word they said about each other, and about me. I'd gotten over the fact that Deidara just didn't care about me, but it still hurt a little to hear it.
"I'm not her keeper! Just because she's related to me doesn't make her my responsibility, un!"
"I wouldn't trust you to look after a rock…when I say to be ready you better both be ready, or else…" Sasori hissed. I ignored the rest, it turned into an art argument again not too long after that anyway.
Only then I remembered my old clothes had been thrown out.
"Well...that's great…" I opened my closet just to see if there was anything and was surprised. "Who…?" It clicked, it had to have been Itachi. I found new clay pouches, shoes and two more sets of the Akatsuki uniform. I wasn't permitted an official cloak, seeing as they didn't have a real need for another member, but I did still get an all black cloak. For now though, I still had to wrap my hands with bandages to keep the hand mouths from getting in the way. Maybe on this mission I could find new gloves.
"NINA!" Sasori yelled, and I quickly grabbed my new bag and ran out the door. I learned my second day here, you do not keep Sasori waiting.
After finally prying it out of my brother, I learned we were going to meet with Kakuzu and Hidan to discuss our next mission. They had been sent out for more "collecting," so this meant a long journey to Tanigakure. The time spent together gave me the chance to learn about Sasori and Deidara's dynamic. On the surface they seemed to hate one another, but they actually were friends. It was kind of cute, making me wonder if there was more to it than they let on.
This also opened up an opportunity for Deidara and I to learn more about each other. Yes, we looked the same, but I proved we were very different.
On our breaks, we would test one another to see what our skill sets were. I was much better at Taijutsu than he was, while he was better at Ninjutsu.
I was easily able to take him down in hand to hand, pissing him off when I pinned him either face down in the dirt or choking him with my legs. When we went full out though, bombs and all, Deidara usually won. That was going to change, I promised him. He just laughed.
"You're art will never be as cool, un."
He also showed me that the hand mouths were not evil, I just misunderstood them. They were very useful, just annoying.
"See, you don't have to cover them all the time, un?" He said unwrapping my left hand while on our break. I had found some gauze and wrapped them up when they kept trying to bite my fingers.
We compared our clay sculptures, saying mine were interesting, but not worth the effort I put into them.
"Why bother making them look so real, un? The real art is this." He said, the butterfly he had made flew up into the night sky and exploded into a beautiful firework show. Sasori scolded us for the light show. It hadn't been above the tree line, but it might give us away if ninja were nearby.
"You idiots and your art form…" He hissed.
We finally convinced Sasori to stop after a full day. He had been right about the fireworks and we were delayed because of the ensuing fight. The punishment was a full day and night of running. Sasori called us children, but agreed to let us rest, seeing as he refused to carry anyone if they fell. We decided to make camp in a nearby cave for the night.
"How do you deal with their drooling then?" I asked Deidara as we sat around the small campfire. The wrappings around my hands had torn off, the right had tried to eat part of it and now had it stuck in its throat. It was trying to bite me when I tried to pull it out. He just shrugged, making me gag at the answer. "Gross." He just let them, wiping off extra on his pant leg.
"What? It's what they do, un." Deidara glared. He was helping me pull the wrapping out of the mouth by trying to hold it open, but the mouth grinned before blowing a raspberry at him. It then spit the wrapping up, launching it into the fire. "Yours are different…" I pulled my hand away, embarrassed by them.
"That's because I've had them since I was born. You got yours what, a year ago?"
"And you haven't gotten control of them in all of fourteen years?" He was kind of right, I should but I was taught to never use them. I was scolded and beaten if I ever did. Though they have always been this way, acting out on their own and biting at people. I just assumed it was normal.
"No…" He at least seemed to recognize the pain they had caused me. "But I can learn now." I smiled softly at him. It was the first time we had a conversation that didn't end in us both beaten and bloody.
"Don't expect me to teach you, un." He flipped his hair as he walked away, trying to play the part of a bad boy again. I had been wrong about him, he had just been jealous I had the kinjutsu longer than he did. Deep down, he was a caring person, with unfortunate psychotic tendencies.
When we finally made it to the meeting location. Hidan didn't take his creepy eyes off of me the whole time. I felt violated by his gaze. Sasori and Kakuzu were discussing what mission we were doing, it involved invading a village and taking it over. Deidara was thrilled and Sasori seemed pleased by the fact he could find new puppets. I honestly didn't care for it, but what choice was there? If I refused, I'd be bounced to the next team, and I did not want to join those two.
"You're not even gonna say hi to me?" Hidan looked me over, seeming to be disappointed that I was wearing a long black cloak. I was happy, he couldn't undress me with his eyes this way. I turned away, listening to what the plan was. Deidara and I would set explosives around the city to draw everyone out. I didn't tell them, but if possible I wasn't going to kill anyone. I never developed a taste for killing.
Before we left, Hidan grabbed my arm and demanded to know why I wouldn't talk to him.
"I owe you nothing, un." I pulled my arm away, noticing Deidara had stepped forward.
"The fuck you don't. You never let me greet you properly."
"Don't touch her again, un." To my surprise, my brother was the one to get between us. "She owes you nothing, you heard her."
The plan went off without a hitch, but Sasori took it over. Deidara pouted the whole time, wanting to show off but sat back, nothing wanting to get hit in the crossfire. It was terrifying how quickly his puppets took over the village. No one was spared, men, women and children, killed all for the purpose of drawing attention to ourselves. I couldn't bring myself to look at the bodies strewn about, but Sasori gladly took some and sealed them away. I sat on a piece of rubble, debating if this was the right choice after all. I couldn't run now, but I had another option. I saw a little yellow, stuffed bunny, stained with blood from a child that Sasori had sealed away. How can someone be so cruel?
I picked up my kunai, knowing if I aimed right I could make my ending it all painless.
"Oi! Let's move, un." Deidara broke me out of this state. We were going to secure this place for the Akasuki, but we were about to have way too many Konaha ninja swarm us and had to leave. At least we proved our point…
It took a little longer to get back to our cave base, but once there I took off towards the river. I stood there looking at my reflection. After everything I saw...after what I helped happen...I took my kunai out again and made my choice. No more of this...
Sitting by the edge of the bank, I held my kunai to my wrist first. I cut a deep line in my left on when someone caught my hand, making me drop the kunai. I looked to see those red eyes reflecting back at me from the water.
"Itachi?" Him again…what was he doing here?
"Is life really that bad?" He asked me, staring at the cut I'd given myself. "Do you really want it to end that badly?"
"I can't kill like you guys can! Life has meaning, and you all treat it like it means nothing! You treat people like nothing but pawns." I felt the tears stinging my eyes. This earned a scoff from him. "What? You think I'm some silly child don't you? That I should grow up and get over it. I can't…" It was morally wrong.
"Actually...I'm with you." The admission hadn't been easy for him, he had been hiding that truth for a while. "There's no value in senseless killings."
"Then why are you here?" He was quiet for a moment.
"The path I took lead me here…" he knelt by me, taking a hold of my arm and lifting it up. "You'll bleed out if you don't keep this elevated." His voice never carried much emotion, but I noticed it had softened while he helped me with my wound. He took out his medical pack and started patching me up.
"Why do you care…?" I had to know why he was even bothering with the likes of me. Again, he didn't answer me and stitched my wrist. I had cut pretty deep. So I grabbed his hand, stopping him from tying off the last stitch. "Answer me." I could feel the angry tears stinging my eyes.
"Is it wrong for me to care for a teammate?" So that was it then?
"No…" but no one had bothered before. He didn't speak anymore to me after that, finishing by tying a bandage around it. He was a mystery I was going to solve…
As I had hoped, I was assigned to Itachi's team next. He and Kisame met up with us to make the trade off. Their mission was tracking where the five tails went. I was assigned to them to help because I had proved to be a decent tracker. On the mission with Deidara and Sasori, I was used to track down anyone who ran. Sasori finished all of them off, but I had found almost all of them. The guilt of that still weighed on me, most of the ones who fled were the children.
Kisame was the talker of the group, coming up with different things to talk about along the way. Itachi mostly listened to us, but never really contributed to the conversation. Every so often he would make a sound of acknowledgement when spoken to.
"Cat got your tongue today, Itachi?" Kisame grinned. We'd hit a lowel in the conversation and had been walking in silence for an hour. I wasn't bothered by it, but he had been.
"I have nothing to talk about." The raven in front of us sounded annoyed.
"Really? You have nothing to say to our new partner?" I don't know why he was egging him on. "I saw you two by the river last night." That made my blood run cold. "I saw what you did and I know why your arm is wrapped more than usual. Do you really want to die that badly?"
I looked to the ground, not seeing Itachi had stopped and ran into him. He glared at me for losing focus, but took some pity and didn't yell at me.
"I'm fine…" I wanted this conversation to stop. I couldn't tell him I didn't like the thought of killing, seeing as he lived for it. If this was my life now, I'd rather die.
"You say that, and yet ran into Itachi." The shark man sneered.
"Drop it, Kisame. She said she's fine."
"Oh, so you're on her side now?" Itachi glared back at him before he started walking again, I chose to follow.
We stopped at a waterfall for the night. The sound would drown out any noise we made and had a defendable alcove nearby. Kisame took first watch, needing to blow off some steam. He wandered off to take it out on some trees.
"Are you alright?" Itachi was watching me from above the flames of our campfire.
"Yeah…" I was just watching the flames. "Why did you stop me?" I looked up to meet his gaze.
"As you said, all life has value. Even yours." I felt my cheeks get red again.
"You don't know that…"
"Do you not believe in your own words?" He was accusing me of being a hypocrite. He wasn't wrong…
"I...don't know…" I curled into myself again. "It doesn't feel worth it sometimes." He gave me a look of understanding. "You never answered you know, about why you're here, un." He raised an eyebrow.
"I did."
"No other reason you're staying other than 'you're path led you here?'" He couldn't hide the flash of worry in his eyes, I was onto something there. "Like...I don't know your brother?" This got a reaction from him. He glared daggers at me, angry I had discovered something about him
"So it is about him?" I blinked and he was suddenly right in front of me. He backed me up against the rock wall, but I couldn't read if he was really angry or testing me. His face was completely blank again.
"You talk too much."
"But I'm right, aren't I?" My voice was quiet for some reason. The quick glance away told me it was, but he couldn't say why.
"Even if I were to tell you, you couldn't possibly understand." He was about to back off when I reached out for his sleeve.
"Try me…" I smirked, making him give me another glare. This one didn't hold a threat though.
"Another time, maybe." He said, gently taking my hand off of his arm. "For now, sleep." I felt dizzy, realizing he had used a genjutsu on me. I was going to call him a bastard, but he knocked me out. As I lost consciousness, I saw him smiled softly and whisper something to me. I wish I had heard what it was.
Itachi's View:
"So annoying…" I whispered, knowing she wouldn't hear it.
This woman was turning out to be more of a nuisance than I first thought. She was able to read me far to well. Then again, she might have understood a little of what I was going through. She was forced into a situation that she hated too, but unlike me, she could have left. She didn't have a village's weight still on her shoulders. She didn't have a little brother to worry over.
I watched her sleep for a while, wondering why I was feeling this way. I knew I couldn't let her close, there were too many reasons to count, but she had been the first one to try to get to know me. The others judged me based on what I had done, but never the reasoning. Nina wanted to know the why, but I could never tell her.
