Snape paced the room, the sunlight washing into the sitting room area of his chambers and folded over his dark figure as he circled around the entire space, his mind still in a state of perpetual panic and confusion even now that it had been two whole days since it happened. He felt at least a bit relieved in the time that had passed that Harry didn't seem to have told anyone about it, but he had assumed for the most part he wouldn't….
It was strange that any single person could feel satisfaction and guilt at the same time, cause that's exactly what Snape had been feeling since then. He felt satisfied at what he had done to Harry, because he got at least a little bit of revenge (albeit more satisfying than a hundred detentions) for what had been done to him by his father, and he at the same time got to possess, at least for a few moments, the last bit of Lily that was left in the world. And from that… stemmed the guilt. He was supposed to be protecting her son and instead he treated him exactly how James had treated him in the past. Even though that should have felt good, it gave Snape the sensation he had been poisoned, because he had taken pleasure in stooping to his level. He got to taste what it was like being on James side of things and it was ….sweet. At least with Harry it was. But at the same time Snape knew exactly how Harry felt because he had been there, he suffered through that hell for years and as much as he disliked Harry, he wouldn't wish that kind of pain on him. He wasn't James, and although it seemed safe to think them one and the same, Snape had to let it go, and realize Harry was different.
He remembered so vividly the sounds Harry made and the hazy arousal in his emerald eyes. It was a maddening memory. One that cropped up every time he closed his eyes to try and wipe the slate of his mind clean of all the chaos. He had to try and forget how intoxicating Harry was when he was like that. He was not only Lily's son, but he was also a bloody student, and an underage one at that. It wasn't only his job that hung in the balance but his immortal soul. It was very wrong for him to lust after Harry, but it was hard even for Snape to deny what he desired. He had done it so long after all, with Lily…
He stopped his pace as he entered a square of golden light from the window, the brightness of it seemed to bring him back from his thoughts and he looked up, walked over and shut the window, about to draw the curtains over it and shut himself up in darkness again when his gaze drifted down through the panes to the grounds, and he saw a familiar figure trekking across the lawn to some trees….
……………
Harry shoved his hands in the pockets of his navy hoodie as he took the sloping green grounds of the castle at a relatively slow pace. He had been separating himself from Ron and Hermoine a lot in the past two days just for some time to be alone and think. He had to try and piece everything back together again. Even now, so much still confused him. But he still surprisingly felt a strange acceptance of Snape's actions. If anything he could understand why he did it, perhaps not why he had gone so far, but he still understood what drove him to. Perhaps Harry had just been feeling a burdened atonement from finally discovering what his father had done to Snape without even realizing he was doing so. Even though consciously, Harry didn't feel he had to pay for his father's mistakes. So he didn't rage against Snape, he just felt a sickness at the image of his father being tarnished so definitively.
It didn't help that Draco was suddenly acting differently around him too. If he could fool Ron and Hermione into thinking he 'just needed time to study or practice Quidditch' or whatever his excuse was, then there was no reason for Draco to notice the change in Harry's behavior. Yet instead of being the pompous prick he usually was and trying to instigate a fight, or even borderline flirting with Harry, he had been keeping his distance, and simply stared at him openly. Harry acted like he didn't notice but it was pretty obvious, as though Draco barely bothered to hide it and yet when Harry would glance back at him he would drop his gaze and act like he was focused on something else. It was like he was trying to read something in Harry, like somehow he knew about all the conflict going on inside him…. But that was impossible.
Harry stopped halfway to the trees, distantly feeling he was being watched, and turned, bespectacled eyes scanning the area but saw no one.
It wasn't only the image of his father that tormented him, Harry had woken up the last two nights sweating and hard as a rock dreaming about Snape. The whole memory of that encounter was like a curse following him around and driving him mad with arousal. It was these physical urges that confused him even more, because until that day Harry had a healthy attraction to the opposite sex, and now he was lusting after and getting hot over the memory of Snape, a teacher, and a man, fucking him into his desk.
Harry swallowed uncomfortably at the thought and continued on his walk to the trees. He could never entertain the idea that he was attracted to Snape, it was just ridiculous. He had to accept however that he did enjoy the way Snape made him feel. He had single handedly opened something up in Harry that had been dormant until now.
What was worse about this afternoon's time alone was that tomorrow was Monday, and that meant Potions Class. He felt entirely unready to face Snape again so soon after what happened. Perhaps he could get a skiving snack box from the twins and get sent to the nurse? No… he would have to face him sooner or later. It was useless to try and put it off, yet he still didn't know if he could handle being so close to him. What would he do? What would he say? Would things be different? Everything felt so uncertain and maybe that was the scariest thing about it all..
He spent the rest of the afternoon wondering around on the grounds alone, but ran into the Hogwarts flock of thestrals and they gave him adequate company. He liked being around something that didn't expect him to talk and laugh and act like everything was fine when it certainly wasn't. It was for those reasons he also postponed his Dumbledore's Army meetings and avoided Cho Chang, who was supposed to be his girlfriend. He knew he couldn't go on like this, he had to at least do something to ease his troubled thoughts, especially about his father. He made the decision to contact Sirius through the Gryffindor common room fireplace that night and ask him if there was any chance what he saw was just something Snape invented…. Even though he knew he was asking for a miracle to allow himself to hope that.
………………..
Harry sat at breakfast the next morning, thankfully getting there well before Ron and Hermione. He made it a point to wake up earlier so he could walk to Potions alone and think over what Sirius had told him. He had some waffles in front of him but he was more or less just poking them with his fork and pushing the blueberries around as he leaned his cheek against a fist.
He crept downstairs in the middle of the night and called for Sirius through the fire, he appeared and asked him what was wrong, clearly thinking it must have been some serious emergency for Harry to contact him this way. Harry felt sort of embarrassed when he said he just needed to ask him something, but Sirius just smiled and asked what was on Harry's mind.
He recounted the story about what he had seen in Snape's pensieve, however, he found himself unable to tell him the details of what James had really done to Snape, so he just made it sound as though James bullied him a little more than what was necessary. Harry asked him if it was true, if James had really done things like that and Sirius looked like he felt a little regretful, and he went on to say the James was just young and people do foolish things when they are that young. Harry didn't say so, but he felt it was a paltry excuse, because that was how old Harry was now, and he would never do something like that. Sirius seemed to notice his disappointment because he went on the assure Harry that his father was a good man. And that was the end of their conversation.
It was the first time Harry had felt disappointed in his father, and the feeling ate away at him the rest of the night and continued still at the breakfast table. He looked at the clock and he figured to be safe he should leave, Ron and Hermione could come down and he wanted to avoid their questions for now. He rose and left the relatively empty grand hall and made his way up the stairs. He needed to kill a little bit of time so he thought he'd go to the library or something. Almost there, he swung into the lavatory for a second to splash some water in his face. He walked over to the mirror, turning the faucet on and set his glasses down, he splashed the icy water in his face and looked hard at his reflection in the mirror, the same way he might have before an important match to calm himself down.
You can do this, just act like you are completely over what happened. Don't let him think it got to you.
When he put his glasses back on it dawned on him the lavatory he happened to enter was the exact one he saw in Snape's pensieve. It was all exactly the same as it was then, of all the places for Harry to be in to try and get his mind off what happened, he was certainly picking a poor place to spend his free time.
He was startled out of his train of thought with the door slamming open suddenly and he turned to see Malfoy standing there, looking equally as displeased to see him. Something about this seemed so familiar, like it was an exact mirror of what he had seen, only now he was in Snape's place. It was a disconcerting thing to realize, especially with him previously comparing his young father to Malfoy, and now it was as if he were playing his role in a play or something. He knew exactly how to open the door and how to look at him.
Draco may have backed off for a while, but that didn't mean he was planning to forever. He was simply trying to figure out what the hell was going on and trying to find any clue on Harry. He didn't want to believe his first conjecture to explain his odd behavior, but something in him told him not to dismiss it, especially when Snape had been acting equally as strange. He avoided contact with him cause he was unsure of his ability to act as though he hadn't seen and heard what he did, because as much as it should have disgusted him, it seemed to do the opposite. Something had just been changed between them and they could never go back to the way they were, Draco was fairly certain of that. And although Harry was wholly unaware of that change, he would know as soon as they spoke. So when Draco flung the bathroom door open, he wasn't exactly expecting to see Harry there, but once he locked eyes with him it would have seemed moronic to just turn around and leave so he strutted in with his usual arrogant swagger, completely unperturbed by Harry's annoyed gaze.
He walked around to the sink two down from Harry and washed his hands, then acted as though he was checking his hair in the mirror. He had to take a leak but felt a little uncomfortable with the idea of Harry being present.
When Harry realized Malfoy was not going to throw any rude comment his way he gave the boys profile a funny look, aware in the change in behavior, but grabbed a paper towel to dry his hands.
What's up with him…
Draco gave a slight sneer as he glanced at Harry out of the corner of his eye. Keeping a closer eye on Harry wasn't getting him the answers he needed, so he would have to interrogate him in some way to see if he could find any answers. Draco was getting really impatient, and Harry's little 'act' wasn't fooling him for one minute. If anything it just made Draco even more irritated.
"What are you doing up so early? Cho keeping you up with your all night snogging seasons?" He threw out there, and he let his silver gaze drift over to Harry to examine his reaction, it was definitely a little more tame than the things they had exchanged in the past, even his delivery was slightly less haughty than usual, it still sounded condescending, but there was more curiosity in his voice now.
Harry tossed the paper in the bin and turned to give the other boy his full attention, seemingly unfazed by the insinuation. "What's the matter, jealous?" And there was a single mindedness in his steady challenging green eyes that made it obvious it was Cho he was insinuating Draco was jealous over, not Harry.
Draco looked back at him, feeling suddenly jarred not only by the response but the look in Harry's deep green eyes. What Harry had meant to do was get Draco angry, but instead he was just being awkward instead of taking the bait. Harry furrowed his eyebrows at Draco as the blonde flushed a little and turned back to the sink, shutting off the water and looked generally uncomfortable.
"What's with you." He said, following Draco's example and drying his hands and trying to find meaning in the awkwardness Draco forced on them both.
"What's with me?!" Draco said suddenly and rather forcefully, turning an angry gaze on Harry that had him gawking, shocked at the sudden reaction. "You are the one who's been acting weird! What the hell is going on!"
Harry turned his eyes away from Draco and replied very firmly. "I don't know what you are talking about." In the same way he said it to Ron and Hermione when they asked him that similar question.
Draco felt the slow burn of irritation slither through him at that, he wanted to just shout it at Harry, and let him try and deny it. "I saw you leaving Snape's classroom on Friday night. You going to try and tell me that nothing funny is going on still?!"
Harry just snapped at being so forcefully confronted about something he wanted to bury so deep that no one would ever see it. He rounded on Draco, and backed him up into the opposite wall, his fists clutching the front of his robes threateningly.
Harry had been acting relatively docile, so the sudden violence took Draco by surprise and he just stood there pinned against the wall and looked down into his eyes, feeling something weird flutter inside at the close proximity.
"You saw me?" Harry demanded, clearly frantic at the idea Draco might be able to put things together from that alone.
Draco had tangled his slender fingers in Harry's robes but didn't seem to be making an effort to push him off. He was in dangerous territory, dare he admit how much he really saw? "Yeah, I saw you looking like you had just been fucked sideways by someone."
Harry didn't react immediately, his focus drifted from Draco's face, he felt stupid that he didn't realize he was being watched, and of all the people to see him… He felt the heat rise in his cheeks and felt utterly furious about it at the same time.
Draco watched Harry's expression intently and even felt himself leaning in closer in the smallest increments until he felt Harry's breath on his lips. When he saw the flush enter Harry's pale face he knew what he said had to be true. Harry suddenly lifted his eyes back to lock unto Draco and the darker greens of his eyes made him freeze, all it would have taken was a few more inches and they would kiss.
Harry shoved himself off of Draco, instantly breaking the closeness. "You are imagining things, I can't believe you would insinuate something so mental." He said dismissively.
Draco felt slight disappointment when he had pulled away, but had he really wanted to kiss Harry? What was he doing to him. He felt like he was going crazy.
"In case you forgot, I have a girlfriend." He said, as though arguing that Draco really had imagined seeing him there. "And as much as you seem to wish I was gay, the way you constantly hit on me and all, I am straight." He said, as though smashing the gavel and ending the whole argument.
Draco actually started questioning himself at that, but no, he knew what he saw and he knew Harry was hiding something. And he felt the cleansing power of hate wash over his confusion at Harry's insult. Mostly because at least recently, with this unexpected attraction towards Harry, it was kind of... true..
He walked up to him, getting in his face and taking the height advantage he had on Harry, jabbing his pointer finger in the middle of the other boy's chest threateningly. "You are not fooling me, Potter. Something really funny is going on with you and Professor Snape and I don't mean like funny 'haha' like 'what the hell is going on here' funny." He narrowed his cold silver eyes down at Harry who seemed unperturbed by how forceful he was being, and just glared right back up at him. "I am going to find out what it is and you better believe me, it won't be pretty when I do."
Now he was outright threatening him and although Harry was a little nervous at Draco's determination, he knew he had no proof whatsoever. Suddenly Draco lifted a hand to drift slender pale fingers over Harry's jaw line and he was so stunned by the sudden breach in protocol between him and his adversary that he froze, and Draco's face loomed in very close to his, close enough to easily kiss him and it seemed like that was his intention, but instead he whispered… "Don't forget to wank off before you leave."
And with that he dropped his hand, Harry's green eyes were wide and unseeing as he registered what he said meant, his lips slightly parted in surprise, and Draco actually smirked darkly at him, and with that he left Harry alone in the lavatory.
xxx
This round goes to Draco ;D
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