Chapter Two: Rubber Norks and Nob Jockies

"You're joking, right?" Draco asked incredulously.

"I wish I were darling, but no," Wood replied wickedly, "it seems the only way that a handsome devil such as yourself can remain hidden from those pesky Death Eaters is by hiding you in plain sight. None of them would ever think to look for a drag queen. It's perfect."

Draco was absolutely appalled. He looked over at Harry who was slowly turning red from attempting to stifle his laughter.

I am going to destroy that bloody bastard when this is all over.

"The plan is to have you bartend," Wood said matter-of-factly, "Hermione Granger, whom I'm sure you remember from school, will be available to train you. She'll be delighted as well, she's been begging for another bartender to help her out. We've recently experienced quite a rush since the Ministry had Huffle-Poofs Nightclub condemned."

"So, I'll have to bartend in a…dress?" Draco asked dismayed.

Harry snorted and attempted to cover up his amusement with a cough. Draco had had quite enough of the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-A-Pain-In-His-Arse. He scowled furiously and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Look, Draco, I realize that this is probably extremely unsettling for you but it's the only way that we'll be able to keep you safe," Harry stated casually, "think about it, what Death Eater would ever come in here?"

"Obviously you think it's a possibility that one of them might since you're making me wear a bloody dress!" he retorted irritably.

"Well, that's just a precaution," Harry replied coolly.

Precaution my arse…that lousy prat is doing this on purpose!

"Fantastic," Draco muttered petulantly and appraised the rubber norks Wood held in his hands.

He held out a hand and Wood handed one over to Draco. He studied them carefully, noticing the exquisite craftsmanship of such a peculiar item. They were nude in coloring, extremely pliable, and topped with a realistic nipple. It was utterly bizarre holding a rubber breast in his palm that felt so much like the real thing.

"What size is this?" he asked grumpily.

Wood smiled good-naturedly. "That would be a C cup," he replied, "personally I think you should go with that size. B cups are really better for someone smaller in stature and you, my dear, are no where near small."

Draco shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He didn't like the thought of Wood appraising him and he averted his eyes from her face to gaze at the enhancement he held in his hand. It was obvious that no Death Eater would willingly venture into a place like this. Unless, of course, they were harboring their own demented desires, but Draco found that hard to believe. He had to admit that this place was a better option than trying to go into hiding on his own. Also, Potter was approving the plan which meant that Aurors would most likely be alerted to his placement at the club.

"Alright, I suppose if it's this or death, dressing like a bloody queen is my only option," Draco replied tersely, "but know this Potter, I will be paying you back for this little setup…ruddy wanker."

Harry smiled cordially at Draco. "I wouldn't have it any other way, Malfoy," he replied and slapped Draco on the back.

He stepped forward to shake Wood's hand and winked at her playfully.

"Promise to take good care of our little woman, here," Harry stated with a chuckle.

I hate that prick.

"Of course, Harry," Wood replied sweetly, "and will you be in touch with regard to his case?"

"Yes, I'll be making contact with you weekly via floo. It's too risky trying to send word by owl," Harry stated and frowned darkly, "we've recently found that the Ministry owls have been subject to raiding by wanted Death Eaters. Dark times are still afoot. The Ministry floos are heavily protected and will serve this purpose well."

"Potter," Draco stated firmly as Harry neared the door to Wood's office, "What are we going to do about Granger?"

Harry smiled slyly at Draco and he fidgeted in his chair.

I really hate that prick.

"Why, whatever do you mean Draco?" he replied with a knowing smirk.

"She's smart, you git, she could easily figure this whole thing out," Draco replied in an aggravated tone. St. Potter was getting on his last nerve.

"Only if you give her a reason to be suspicious, Malfoy, which means that I'm afraid you're going to have to control yourself around our dear Hermione," Harry stated with a considerable amount of mirth, "think you can handle it?"

Draco sneered at the raven haired prat and slouched in his chair.

"I suppose," he stated spuriously.

Harry shook his head merrily and quirked a brow. He eyed Draco closely for a minute before chuckling jubilantly and striding out of the office, his deep voice resonating from behind him.

"Be nice, Malfoy. If I hear you're giving her any guff I'll be forced to let her hex you," he stated calculatingly, the tone to his voice a little too knowing for Draco's taste.

Draco turned to Wood, who apparently found the conversation entertaining, and he sighed heavily.

"Alright, where do we start?" he asked in a defeated tone.

"Stand up darling, it will be a hell of a lot easier for me to measure you that way," Wood replied jubilantly.

"Measure me?" Draco asked in alarm. He was not about to allow Wood to brush those large, calloused hands about his body.

"Relax, Draco, I do it magically," she replied and rolled her eyes.

Draco stood up and eyed Wood warily. She strode forward and flicked her wand. A measuring tape shot out and wrapped itself around Draco's chest, then around his waist, and lastly, around his hips. Wood wrote down the measurements, strolled over to a nearby cupboard, and threw open the doors.

Draco's mouth fell open in astonishment. Like Wood's trunk, the cupboard's interior had been enhanced and it revealed a large walk-in closet filled to the brim with ensembles of every style and color of the rainbow. Wood entered the closet and gestured for Draco to follow. Draco looked around at the different outfits, dresses, ball gowns, hell, there were even riding chaps.

I do not want to know what those are for…

"Welcome to my little boutique," Wood said excitedly, "there are dresses and gowns of every shape and style within this little cupboard and I am positive we will be able to find something perfect for you."

Perfect? Right…I bet he's just dying to get me into some tight little number so he can check out my package. Blasted Potter, he'll have more than a bleeding lightning shaped scare when I get through with him!

Wood began fingering several dresses and handing them to Draco. She pulled a crimson colored, taffeta cocktail dress off of a hanger but halted when Draco cleared his throat loudly.

"Don't even think about putting me in Gryffindor colors," he said tetchily.

Wood smirked knowingly and nodded her head in acquiescence. She put the dress back and pulled a silver, sequined gown down off its hanger and Draco nodded approvingly. He fidgeted with the multitude of dresses Wood had shoved at him and the two of them exited the cupboard.

Wood took the dresses from Draco and began laying them out all over the room. The popular colors were black, green or silver and Wood shook his head and smiled slyly.

"You can take the boy out of Slytherin but you can never take the Slytherin out of the boy," she muttered with amusement.

"Damn right," Draco replied haughtily and began appraising the gowns they had selected.

One in particular caught his eye. It was a deep emerald satin gown with a fitted bodice and floor length skirt. The back had a billowing train connected at the hips and it flared out beautifully. It was an exquisite gown and Draco pointed at it possessively.

"That one," he stated firmly.

"Ah, yes. This gown has brought me luck in the past," Wood stated nostalgically, "I won my first drag queen competition wearing this little number."

Draco raised a brow sardonically. "Really?" he asked sarcastically, "Who would have thought that such a jock would end up wearing a dress in hopes of winning some ruddy contest telling him he looks more like a bird than the rest of the nellies?"

Wood narrowed her eyes at him and placed her hands on her hips. She was obviously in no mood to be fussed with and she scowled ruthlessly at the arrogant blonde.

"See here, Mr. Malfoy," she spat tersely, "I am doing you a favor and your little quips are not appreciated. Don't think for one minute that I've forgotten who you are and how you treated the Gryffindors back at Hogwarts. You can be assured that if I hear that you have been detestable in any way, especially towards Hermione, I will kick your cute little arse out of this club so fast your head will spin!"

Draco was taken aback by the feminine tirade Wood had unleashed on him and he suddenly realized that dealing with her was not going to be as easy as he initially thought. In addition, it seemed she had quite the soft spot for Granger. Not that Draco blamed her, she was one of the most loyal and compassionate witches Draco had ever met. He expected that Wood held her in the highest regard, just like the rest of the wizarding world.

"Sorry," Draco muttered ruefully, "I'm just a little on edge."

"Well, that I can understand but you're going to have to attempt to be tolerable," Wood stated casually, "remember, no one here knows you accept me and Hermione and she's not privy to this little arrangement. However, if you slip up and treat her as you normally do, she'll likely catch on. So please try to be amicable."

Draco merely nodded in response and began unzipping the back of the dress. Wood strolled over and handed him the rubber norks and a bra.

"Remove your shirt and I'll show you how this works," she stated matter-of-factly.

Bloody hell…


Draco and Wood made their way down to the stage area of the club. Apparently, the four headlining queens had already arrived for rehearsal and Wood was just itching to introduce Draco to the "ladies". Draco was slightly tense as they approached the magnificent group of girls and he fidgeted slightly in the form fitting gown he had been forced to put on. Wood had used a charm to lengthen his hair and it was piled on top of his head in a regal French twist. His makeup had been applied with perfect precision and his steely eyes flashed brilliantly as he gazed around the room.

He glanced over at Wood, who was smiling proudly as they strolled toward the group.

"Well, well, lookie what we have here," said a tall queen with a bright red wig and dazzling green eyes, "a brand new little chick."

The condescension in her tone was entirely evident and Draco fought the urge to sneer at her contemptuously. The other girls turned to look at Draco and he stared at them in a state of shock. They were all exquisitely made up and, surprisingly, they looked exactly like women. Of course, there were the broad shoulders and muscular arms and the outlandishly accessorized outfits, but other than that they were all extremely feminine and believable.

"Ladies, this is Darius McAvoy, otherwise known as Illustra Lacewing," Wood stated and gestured towards Draco.

"And may I present Delish Felicis," Wood continued and gestured towards a tall, brunette with a lanky figure and brilliant blue eyes. She looked like a dancer, with long legs and a lean torso. She wore a fitted black dress and donned tap shoes and a top hat. She looked extremely friendly and was smiling devilishly at Draco, who felt a little uncomfortable under her scrutinizing gaze.

"Belladonna Knotgrass," Wood stated and pointed to a haughty looking woman with glossy black hair and black eyes to the right of Delish Felicis. She was fairly attractive and had on a sparkly tiara, a hot pink gown and lime green satin slippers. She was staring at Draco with a raised brow and looked slightly put out by his presence.

"Mandragora Flitterbloom," Wood said serenely and motioned to the contemptuous looking red head who glared at Draco ominously. She strolled over to him, her eyes piercing his fiercely. She was tall and thin with an extremely feminine gait and she waved her hand almost dismissively.

"Pleasure to make your acquaintance," she stated in a sarcastic tone. Her brilliant green eyes flashed and she smirked at him deviously.

Draco, being the crafty Slytherin that he was, smirked back at her with such an impish quality that the woman gaped at him in astonishment.

I invented the smirk, bloody wench.

"Likewise," he replied and almost flinched at the pitch of his voice. Wood had altered his vocal chords with a Vicissitudo Vox charm and Draco had found the change quite unnerving.

Wood cleared her throat and then gestured to the final woman who was busy flipping her hair in the midst of all of the others.

"And this is the star of our little production, Amortentia Moonstone," she said excitedly.

Amortentia flipped her hair elegantly and turned to face Draco. She strolled proudly towards Draco, her long blonde mane of thick curls cascading down her back in perfect ringlets and her fitted sequin dress hugging her form lovingly.

"Amortentia Moonstone," she said in a superciliously familiar voice, "star of Cabaret and the only reason this place is still in business."

She extended her arm forward and handed Draco an autographed picture of herself. Wood nudged Draco discreetly and he jumped. He grabbed the picture and glanced at it briefly. Amortentia was in the midst of several hundred fans, all of who were bowing down to her reverently. She flipped her hair and held a large, feathered fan as she waltzed through the crowd gracefully.

As he studied the picture more carefully, he realized why Amortentia seemed so familiar. The self-righteous arrogance, the inane vanity, the uncanny knack for believing that any and all success was due solely because of her. Draco looked up at the woman and staggered back in total surprise. This was something he certainly never expected and he brought his hand to his mouth in order to stop himself from gasping. He had always thought that he had remained locked up in St. Mungo's…

Bloody hell!! Lockhart?