RPN (Random Parody Number): 95
Parody: A Parody of Megaman 9
Tribute: n/a
Cast: Classic
(Metal Sonic EX is playing Megaman 8. His friend, Kinetikai, is on the computer.)
MSX - We haven't gotten a new Megaman game in a while. Any news ones coming out?
Kinetikai - Only one.
MSX - Which is?
Kinetikai - Megaman 9.
(MSX poses triumphantly as the Hallelujah chorus plays. However, instead of a chorus saying 'Hallelujah', the chorus says 'Fuuuuuuuuucking awesome!')
Narrator - The next weekend...
MSX - Yes! Time to play some mucho Megamuchaco! -gets slapped for speaking mock-Spanish-
Kinetikai - Even a mockery of that language is evil!
(A.N. I have indeed been to hell. It is called my senior year high school Spanish class.)
Lord T - I have returned!
MSX - Excellent! Now let's hook this up so I can get onto Live Arcade!
Lord T - I didn't bring the internet cable.
MSX - -dumbfounded- For the sake of your life, tell me that you're joking.
Lord T - Yeah. -tosses MSX the cord-
MSX - Kickass!
Narrator - One ten dollar purchase later.
MSX - -watches intro movie- Awesome! Now, to the game!
Lord T - Either you go up to Wendy's- I mean, up to Frecklebitch's or you do get to play Megaman 9.
MSX - Communist scum!
(A.N. I have a different definition for the word communist. It is a douchebag who is unworthy of the very term that describes him. Or her. (i.e. My mother is a communist. She gave me ham and swiss when I asked for grilled cheese.))
Narrator - One hour long walk later...
MSX - Finally. -boots game up- Challenges? -opens menu- Sweet! Goals to define my pimpitude! 'Defeat every boss with one bar of energy left'. 'Beat every boss in ten seconds or less'. 'Beat the game without missing with the buster'? 'Beat the game five times in one day'? 'Beat the game with taking damage'?! -head explodes from the paradox Capcom has created- What?! Is anyone that good?!
God - I wish I was...
MSX - Damn... Oh well. First, the easy stuff. -gets to stage select- Let's see... -gasp- A... female?!
Splash Woman's Face - -winks-
MSX - So sexy.
(The scene changes to Megaman entering Splash Woman's stage.)
Megaman - Not bad. -runs through the stage- Now what?
(Megaman watches as bubbles float up.)
Megaman - You must be joking.
(Megaman manages to get to the top using bubbles made with cement.)
Megaman - First Bubbleman, now this. -sigh- Whatever... -gets to the end of the stage- What? Dr. L?
Wily - Yeah, Dr. Light's the bad guy. Remember?
(The scene changes to MSX, who's jaw is dropped.)
MSX - Female boss. I can kinda understand. But messing with the antagonist? Unforgivab- Oh, who are they kidding? We all know that we're gonna end up fighting Wily.
(Megaman enters the boss room and finds Leviathan floating there.)
Leviathan - Haha! Wait... Wrong series...
(Leviathan disappears and Splash Woman appears.)
Megaman - So hot...
(Megaman gets impaled with Laser Trident.)
Splash Woman - I am victorious! Behold the power of boobs!
(The Megaman through Megaman & Bass bosses lower their heads and slowly walk away.)
MSX - Who came up with the idea of a female Robot Master?
-Flashback-
Dr. Light - I've just created several new robots. Now, I want my next one to be different, but how so... Maybe I can get some inspiration from the TV...
TV - We now return to the Sex In The City marathon.
Dr. Light - -points triumphantly into the air- Genius!!
-End Flashback-
Megaman - Damn... Dumb broad needs to know her place.
(Megaman beats her and gets Laser Trident.)
MSX - Well, seeing as I made Galaxy Man-
(Cosmic Man walks in, blinks, then walks out.)
MSX - -I'll try that level... later... For now, uh... Hornet Man?
(Megaman beams into the stage.)
Megaman - This is gonna be a cakewalk. -reaches midboss- What's this?
Flower - -in high squeaky voice- Oh, this is the midboss... -in demonic voice- ...FROM HELL!!
(After dying numerous times, Megaman finally gets lucky and proceeds further into the level.)
Megaman - Dammit! Maybe Wily should make a flower Robot Master...
(Plantman waks in and Megaman looks at him.)
Megaman - Oh yeah... You suck!
Plantman - Aw... -slowly walks away-
(Megaman reaches the boss.)
Megaman - I'm here to kill you!
Hornet Man - And I'm here to walk around aimlessly until all of my hornets are offscreen! -proceeds to do so-
(Megaman easily beats him and gets Hornet Chaser.)
Megaman - Hmm... Kinda like Boomerang Cutter...
MSX - Onto... Tornado Man's stage!
(Megaman gets raped. Hard.)
MSX - ...okay... How about... Jewel Man's stage!
(Megaman gets raped. Harder.)
MSX - ...heh... Uh... Let's try Tornado Man's stage again.
(Megaman goes through it slowly and manages to reach the boss room.)
Megaman - God... That was almost as gay as Airman.
Airman - Hey!
Megaman - I mean, Airman's stage.
Airman - Better...
Harpuia - Haha! Wait...
(Harpuia flies off and Tornado Man flies in.)
Megaman - Wrong series, Harpuia.
Tornado Man - Fool! I am Tornado Man!
(Megaman examines him closely.)
Megaman - You look exactly like Harpuia.
Tornado Man - Fool! I will kill you!
(Tornado Man tries, but Megaman barely beats him and gets Tornado... something or other...)
Tenguman - Hold?!
MSX - That was last game.
(Pirateman and Groundman turn to MSX.)
MSX - No. Before you guys. Okay... Uh... Jewel Man has it coming.
(Megaman still gets raped, but still manages to get to the boss room.)
Megaman - -dragging himself along by his hands- So... painful...
(Jewel Man drops into the stage and uses Jewel Satelite.)
Megaman - Oh... my... God...
Crystalman - Ripoff!
MSX - What was Capcom thinking?! Who made this guy?!
-Flashback-
Dr. Light - Excellent! I've just completed Splash Woman. Now, to get more inspiration for my next robot.
TV - We now return to the Sex In The City marathon.
Dr. Light - -points triumphantly into the air- Genius!!
-End Flashback-
Jewel Man - -turns to MSX- You're a bastard.
(Elecman smirks a puts a hand on his shoulder.)
Elecman - Get used to it.
(Megaman tries to defeat Jewel Man, but fails.)
Megaman - So cheap! Every time I jump, he jumps! How do I beat him?!
(Megaman Game Over's and restarts the stage, barely getting through again.)
Megaman - Now, how to defeat him if he keeps jump... ing... Oh... Heh...
(Megaman jumps slightly as Jewel Man soars into the air. Megaman defeats him, gets Jewel Satelite, and smacks himself upside the head.)
MSX - Magma Man, huh? It almost rhymes with... eliminate!
(Megaman gets through the stage despite numerous instant-death lava flows.)
Fefnir - Haha! Wait...
(Fefnir jumps away and Magma Man jumps in.)
Megaman - Not much of a resmblence, but...
(Megaman defeats Magma Man and obtains Magma Bazooka.)
MSX - Onto Plug Man!
(Megaman goes through the stage and reaches the Disappearing-Reappearing Blocks(c))
Megaman - ...fuck!
(Megaman manages to get through them, then gets to the boss.)
Plug Man - Haha!
Megaman - ...you kinda look like Sparkman...
Plug Man - ...so...?
Megaman - -sigh- Let's... Let's just do this.
(Megaman defeats Plug Man and obtains Plug Ball.)
MSX - Ooh... Such an original name... Well, seeing as I made a Galaxy Man-
(Cosmic Man walks in, blinks, then walks out.)
MSX - -onto the stage!
(Megaman beams down into the level.)
Megaman - This music's fucking catchy! -begins bobbing head- Oh wait... Let's go! -dashes through the level- You!
Phantom - You! Wait...
(Phantom disappears in a puff of smoke and Galaxy Man appears.)
Megaman - You're joking, right?
Galaxy Man - 1 have 1337 n1nj4 skillz!
(Galaxy Man throws a large shuriken into Megaman's head, killing him.)
Megaman - Bastard made me waste a life!
(Megaman defeats him and gets Black Hole Bomb.)
MSX - Onto Concrete Man!
(The scene change to MSX standing in front of a green screen.)
MSX - Intermission! In the intro movie, when Roll complains about the phone ringing with people wanting to complain to Dr. Light, I had to laugh. If I knew the phone number of the world's greatest scientist who created robots that were currently destroying the world, I'd do a little more than complain. I'd call and tell him that I'm on my way to his house with a large rusty chainsaw.
Dr. Light - -gulp-
MSX - Back to the parody!
(The scene returns to the boss room of the stage.)
Megaman - That had to be the easiest level in the game.
Concrete Man - Well then, it's a good thing that I make it up by being the gayest of the eight bosses!
MSX - -eyes Jewel Man- I doubt that.
(Concrete Man kicks Megaman's ass several times before Megaman is victorious. He obtains Concrete Shot and returns to the lab.)
Auto - Much has happened! Light was arrested. The Robot Masters were to be scrapped. And look, Wily was behind it all!
Megaman - Uh... Duh.
Roll - Make certain to buy some stuff before you go!
(Megaman looks at the bag of bolts he's carrying.)
Megaman - -sigh- Whatever happened to Zenny? -looks at screen- I'll buy that book.
(Megaman's helmet disappears.)
Megaman - You've got to be joking. I paid twenty bolts to take off my helmet. -sigh- Give me my helmet back.
(Megaman turns to Roll, who stands next to a podium with Megaman's helmet on it.)
Roll - I don't know where it is.
Megaman - It's right there.
Roll - Right where?
Megaman - On the podium.
Roll - What about the podium?
Megaman - My helmet's on it.
Roll - What about your helmet?
Megaman - I want it.
Roll - No.
(Megaman stands there quietly.)
Megaman - You're gonna make me buy back... my own helmet...
(Roll nods with large smile on her face.)
Megaman - Bitch. Whoa... That picture of you is the most expensive thing up here. What's it do?
Roll - Makes me change clothes.
(Megaman stands there quietly again.)
Megaman - The most expensive thing I can buy... changes your clothes...
(Roll nods.)
Megaman - And you do nothing but stand there the whole game, right?
(Roll nods again.)
Megaman - Man, fuck this.
(Megaman heads to the first fortress level.)
Flower Midboss - -in demonic tone- WELCOME BACK!!
Megaman - Aw hell...
(After some mild difficulty, gets to the boss.)
Megaman - -looks at boss- Now what?
Boss - Please, you shouldn't totally knock these spiky balls into our faces.
Megaman - Uh... Okay...
(Megaman does so and beats the boss. After slightly more difficulty, Megaman reaches the second fortress boss.)
Megaman - Fucking instant-death lasers... Go back to Quickman's stage!
(Megaman defeats the boss, but runs under it to another segment.)
Megaman - Ah hell...
(Megaman defeat it and runs to a third segment.)
Megaman - ...fuck this. -beams off-
(In the third stage, Megaman breezes through the stage, then reaches an upward gravity lift. He avoids spikes until he comes to a line of them.)
Megaman - Okay... Easy. Easy. I so totally got this! I'm free! I'm...
(An enemy grabs Megaman and drags him into the spikes.)
Megaman - Fuck!!
(After getting past that part, Megaman meets the third fortress boss.)
Megaman - What happened to the Bio-Devil? Capcom didn't seem to mind putting him in every other game before, so why remake him now?
Inafune - I dunno.
(Megaman beats it, then gets to the final segment of the stage.)
Splash Woman - Behold the power of boobs!
Hornet Man - Prepare to feel the sting of defeat!
Tornado Man - I'll blow you away!
Jewel Man - I'll blow you!
(Everyone stands in an awkward silence for a few minutes.)
Magma Man - I'll turn you into ash! Then, I'll kick it!
Plug Man - Uh... Insert plug-related joke here?
Galaxy Man - 1 are 1337!
Concrete Man - I'm a total douche!
(After defeating the eight bosses, Megaman confronts the final boss.)
MSX - Dude, this tune could be the greatest final boss tune in the classic series... besides 7.
Dr. Wily - I've tried bubbles, water, gravity, rain, rings, and... -looks at Dustman- ...vacuums... Yet, when I finally kill Megaman, I use... eggs... -begins smashing skull onto the dashboard-
Megaman - I'm back!
Dr. Wily - -stops bashing head- To hell with you!
(Megaman defeats the first two forms, but struggles on beating the third.)
MSX - I don't want to! I don't want to! I don't- Ah, fuck it.
(Megaman uses an E Tank and kicks the hell out of Wily.)
MSX - I... am awesome.
Wily - Forgive me!
Megaman - I would, but...
(Megaman shows Wily pictures of them in the exact same pose nine different times.)
MSX - Greatest... references... ever!
(Megaman follows Wily to Dr. Light as Protoman shows up.)
Protoman - That's not Dr. Light!
Megaman - I still want to help!
(Despite that the Dr. Lightbot is covered in spikes, Megaman touches him then faints.)
Dr. Wily - That was easily the most retarded thing that I've ever seen you do.
(Dr. Lightbot explodes.)
Megaman - Poor... robot... -faints again-
Dr. Wily - My bad, 2nd most retarded thing.
(Dr. Wily flips a switch and Protoman saves Megaman's ass. Again.)
Protoman - I don't get paid enough for this.
(The credits roll, showing Jewel Man giving Roll a large jewel, Hornet Man watering some flowers, Splash Woman posing for a photo shoot, Plug Man-)
Elecman - HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE!!
(Everyone turns to him.)
Elecman - After eight-
(Elecman turns to Groundman and Pirateman.)
Elecman - -nine games, why are you the first ones to be rebuilt after the game?!
(The MM9 Robot Masters exchange looks.)
Concrete Man - -shrugs- Favoritism?
(The cast of the first nine Megaman games growl, then proceed to chase the eight Robot Masters around in classic Benny Hill style.)
MSX - Oh yeah... -exhales large cigar cloud despite the fact that he's drinking Kool-Aid- ...this is gonna be a good season.
