ROUND 1 INTRUDERS: CELEBRITY BIOS
50 Cent started dealing drugs when he was 12. He is now responsible for peddling what is a rubbish excuse for music, with classics like In Da Club and Candy Shop instantly turning the brains of anyone who doesn't like commercial hip-hop into mush. He has taught kids around the world the virtues of downing Cristal by the bottle, shooting your rivals in the head and slurring your words incoherently to sound more 'gangsta'. He has appeared on Celebrity Death Island to avenge himself against Kanye West, whose music at least doesn't resemble a sonic blackhole.
Amy Winehouse has had a rough year. It's admittedly a bit hard to feel sorry for a Grammy winner who called Katie Melua a slut, but she's repeatedly cancelled several of her gigs, been photographed rambling around in a half-naked state, and her husband was just convicted on assault charges. She even has the early-form manifestation of emphysema from abuse to her vocal cords. Amy hopes that with Celebrity Death Island, she can rehabilitate herself, or at least not die from a drug overdose.
Dick Cheney is, as Vice-President, one of the vital members of the Bush administration. He is a money-grubbing pig despised by many, but the power he wields is undeniable. Despite his weak physical condition, he is still very much active and in charge, as can be seen from his love of hunting trips and shooting others near the heart. It is to the relief of many around the world that his reign of terror would end soon, be it by stepping down from his current role or from Celebrity Death Island.
Donald Trump is a flamboyant billionaire turned mediawhore, with a range of interests from property all over the world to media extravaganzas like The Apprentice and Miss Universe. Donald has stated that if he had known what he was getting himself into, he'd have bought Endemol and force them to release him from his contract on Celebrity Death Island. Of course, the show would still continue, but now with other special guests including Julia Morley and Martha Stewart.
Kanye West has an ego the size of his record sales. He was once dissed by other hip-hop stars as being too bourgeois, but soon rose to prominence with his unique style and talent for remixing others' music. He has thrown some very public hissy fits about not picking up awards that were supposed to be his, and last year got into a 'feud' with fellow hip-hop artiste 50 Cent to see whose album would sell the most. Thankfully (though we use the word in a rather narrow context) Kanye beat his rival, though it only served to further inflate his self-importance.
Lisa Scott-Lee was a former member of the British pop band Steps, known initially for 'easy-to-dance' dance steps being packaged with their singles and music videos. After the group split up, Lisa found it hard to survive without any actual talent, and had twice resorted to threaten to quit the music industry if her comeback singles didn't reach at least #10 on the singles charts. She failed both times, and now 'works' for a living by appearing on various celebrity reality shows, most notably Dancing on Ice and CelebAir, in a desperate attempt to delay the inevitable unemployment checks and career as an Asda clerk.
Miley Cyrus is, for all intents and purposes, the current Disney Girl in fashion, and though her skanky behaviour in real-life and the emergence of new Disney child stars threaten that position, she's still popular with anyone under 10 years old, running her mouth in real life as she does on her hit show Hannah Montana. From kissing other girls and exposing herself in cheap MySpace photos to a 'topless' photoshoot, the only thing that she has to do before firmly following in the footsteps of other teen stars, is for pictures of crack usage or confessions of lost virginity to start circulating.
Perez Hilton is most famous for blogging about the famous. His blog for some inexplicable reason attracts hundreds of thousands of readers everyday, eager to lap up the latest dirt that the portly one has dished up. He shamelessly whores himself out to other celebrities, often taking pictures with other wannabes. He also seems to think that plenty of male celebrities around are G-A-Y!, perhaps because he's not getting any,
Rush Limbaugh, firebrand right-wing radio commentator, is the hero of many radical Christians and the utter bane of anyone with any sanity or intelligence. As the conservative archnemesis of shock jock Howard Stern, His invigorative speech stirs up peoples' passions, be it their blind acceptance of his rabid nonsense or the infuriation of common sensibilities. It remains to be seen whether this trait will help him beat the rest of his competition on the island
Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska and now Republican Vice-Presidential candidate, enjoys tanning in the tanning bed of the Governor's office. In her spare time, she hunts animals and teaches her families about Christian virtues, including abstinence. Or maybe not. She has reinvigorated the Republican campaign with many voters gushing about how she's like their neighbour or like the model small-town American girl, not realising that there's a damn reason why their neighbour isn't in the running for any presidential position.
Tara Gilesbie is a 14-year-old Gothlita who slits her wrists and buys whore clothes from Hot Topic in her spare time. She is most infamous for her Harry Potter fanfiction 'My Immortal', where she gets to bang the lead characters, who have ALL turned goth and Satanist. In the style of her Mary Sue, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, Tara is depicted as having limpid blue eyes and raven black hair 'lyk Amy Lee'. Tara had disappeared from the Internet in recent times, but readily agreed to appear on Celebrity Death Island after being told she'd see Good Charlotte live in concert, and get a chance to kill Miley Cyrus.
Tara Reid is best known for appearing on American Pie. Since then, she has been known for her bad acting, man-sounding voice, fake lop-sided breasts and constant drunkeness. Her most significant recent body of work was the reality travel show Taradise, which featured Tara travelling to various exotic locales to talk about how 'cool' foreign things are, visit clubs, take off her clothes and throw up. Tara can now be seen looking haggard at your nearest red-carpet event, boozing at parties like there's no tomorrow.
Tom Cruise is fond of jumping on couches and going on crazy Scientology-induced rants about the ills of medication. He first acted in films when he was 17, and judging from his image and behaviour now it can be concluded he's still trying to act like he was 17. His taste in females is equally young, considering his surreal marriage to Katie Holmes, 14 years his junior. Tom Cruise is here to show that he is not a has-been, thank you very much
Victoria Beckham, quite possibly the most famous WAG (footballers' Wives And Girlfriends) in the world, is one half of Britain's most glamourous relationship. Despite her fondness for short skirts and expensive dresses, she quite metaphorically wears the pants in her marriage with David Beckham, and is responsible for having the poor sod move to Madrid and Los Angeles. Having recently arrived in California so that there was no more need for fake tan, the former Spice Girl wisely gave up trying to sing with a limited vocal range, focusing instead on designing clothes and courting the paparazzi.
