Chapter Two: Maybe I'm Not as Cracked, but You're Still My Foundation


It's early in the morning, or so Emily thinks, when she's woken by bright lights streaming in through the cracks of the curtains.

She's exhausted - mentally, at least - from staying up talking to Hanna all night. After Hanna's confession, the two left nothing out, talking about everything from their fears of college to how quirky Aria looks whenever she wears the one feather earring and never the other.

But it's always been like this for them; they can delve into conversations about each other's deepest secrets, yet be smiling and joking like nothing had ever happened.

Being with Hanna is simple, for Emily, and she's always found it secure.

She feels something move down by her stomach, glancing down to find Hanna's hand gripping the material of her shirt like it was her life support. Emily only cranes her neck far enough to see Hanna's face, the unreadable expression she finds there beginning to unease her. She looks... scared? Maybe in pain? She can't really tell, but that doesn't stop her from sliding her fingers down Hanna's arm until they rest gently on her knuckle, wedging between the tiny gaps barely left by Hanna's. Almost instantly, the cotton falls loosely back in place, and the eerie look that was on Hanna's face is no more.

It makes Emily laugh, the position they're in: Hanna's almost a whole head shorter than she, but that certainly didn't stop her from taking on the role of the big spoon. Hanna's cold toes are nestled cozily between Emily's calves, nose grazing tan skin at the nape of her neck. Part of Emily wants so much to switch their positions, so be the one holding her, yet the other part of her was content with it; it was almost like Hanna was her shield, keeping away the demons Emily couldn't bear on her own.

She feels soft lips press delicately against her skin as Hanna stirs awake, quite quickly realizing their positions as she flings herself to the other side of the bed. Emily, more than confused, rolls on to her side, sees Hanna in a similar position, watching blonde hair fall from her ponytail piece-by-piece to the pillow behind her. She's not sure where she finds the courage, but she scoots over to Hanna, assuming the position Hanna had earlier on her, and rests her chin on Hanna's shoulder. She feels the blonde melt into her touch, only temporarily, before a sharp intake of breath has her body as stiff as a board.

"Well, good morning to you too," Emily's tone is soft, playful.

"I'm sorry," Hanna blurts, her body rigid, "f-for being close to you like that. I-I just thought, you know, after last night... actually, it wasn't even a thought, it was just a flash - barely even a millisecond! - where I was thinking of us being something different because we talked and so I guess I got the idea that spoo-"

Emily can't stand to see Hanna ramble (it's cute, but unnecessary) and pushes up on her elbow, grabbing Hanna's chin and twisting her head around just enough for Emily to kiss her silent.


The beach is hot; too hot for Emily, which is why she seated under their large umbrella, Aria and Spencer to her left, nursing a tall glass of ice tea as the three of them watch Hanna prance around in the sand. It's highly amusing, especially the parts where Hanna trips over people buried in the sand that she never sees coming.

Emily has a few magazines in her lap, shuffling through until she finds one mildly interesting, flipping it open only to discover it's one she's read hours before.

"It's getting late," Aria says brushing the dirt off her lap and leaning back on her towel. "I mean, we got here at noon, and now it's almost five."

"Someone get Hanna, I want to go home," Spencer huffs, standing up to shake the sand from her towel and fold it, tucking it into her beach bag. Aria and Emily follow suit, collecting all their things until Hanna's belongings are all that's left. By the time Emily is done pulling her sundress back on, Aria and Spencer are looking at her expectantly.

"What?"

"Well?" Spencer motions out towards the frantic blonde, who's only a few paces away from the ocean water. "Aren't you going to get her?"

"Why me?"

"She's your girlfriend. Plus, Aria and I have to take all this crap back up to the house."

Before Emily can protest, Spencer and Aria and walking back up the pathway leading to Spencer's extravagant beach house, suddenly so thankful that the Hastings allowed the four of them to borrow it for a month.

She turns to look for her girlfriend, who is sitting right where the wet and dry sand meet, feet engulfed every time the dark water laps over them.

It makes her smile, but then again she feels the sinking feeling: the feeling of this not lasting forever; the feeling of separation; the feeling of fear that happens whenever she's not looking into baby blues.

She leaves her stuff and walks over to Hanna, taking a seat beside her, knees pulled tight against her chest while her chin rests on top. Emily glances over at her; Hanna seems to be deep in thought.

"We could buy a place like this, you know," Hanna says softly after they'd been sitting in silence for some time. "One day, after everything is over. After college, after my internship, when we can finally be with each other. It just seems so... far away."

"All I know is that, whatever happens, I'm super close to you right now."

She smiles, and Hanna smiles, and the anxiety about leaving each other in a few weeks is gone for a while.


Penn State isn't as bad as Emily thinks. Her roommate's cool, her workload isn't much (for now), and swimming doesn't start for another few weeks. She feels sort of in a state of limbo, but she knows that everything is about to start up, hard and fast, and she has to be ready.

She is ready. Well, at least she thinks she is.

It seems like the perfect opportunity to call Hanna: her roommate is out for the night, it's late enough that most students in the surrounding dorms are asleep; it's the most amount of privacy she'll have all week.

A few rings are all it takes and Hanna's voice fills her ears, her chest aching in many ways good and bad.

"Hello?" Hanna sounds groggy, very sleepy.

"Hi baby," Emily's voice is too cheery for this time of night - or morning, rather - and Hanna groans.

"Em, it's like one thirty. I have a morning class in seven hours. Why the hell are you calling me?"

Oh, how she'd missed cranky Hanna.

"I just... I miss you. And I wanted to hear your voice."

"You couldn't have waited to hear my voice for another few hours?" She hears Hanna sigh and a bit of ruffling over the line. Hanna mumbles a miniscule "hold on" and she hears more shuffling and a door close and more shuffling, until she hears Hanna speak again. "Sorry, I didn't want to wake the roomie."

"How is Sandra, anyway?" Emily teased.

"Ugh, still throwing her dirty laundry any which way she pleases," she grumbled, making Emily chuckle. "You'll never guess what I saw when she dragged me window shopping with her today!"

"What?"

"A puppy, Em! A puppy! The cutest puppy I had ever seen. A stray, too. He just walked up to me and I fed him bits of my bagel when we stopped for coffee! God, I can't wait to move in with you so we can have our own puppy." Even through a twinge of sadness, Emily could feel her girlfriend's happiness radiating through her, even when they were miles apart. She laughed.

"What's so funny?" Hanna asked.

"Just... you." She smiled.

"What about me?"

"I just love you so much, you know?"

"Yeah, Em, I know." She could hear Hanna's smile, too.

"I miss you." This one was different than the first; this one was heavy and realistic. It felt like a chain, tugging at the hole in her heart where Hanna should be.

She hated this. She hated not being close to her best friend. She hated not being close to Aria or Spencer, even. Sure, everyone was a phone call of Skype call away, but it wasn't the same. Emily so desperately wanted to see the look of excitement on Hanna's face when she talked about the puppy, not just hear it through a botchy phone line.

"I miss you, and I'm so angry," Emily stated, closing her eyes to fight of the tears of frustration. "Everything sucks. I just want to be you with you. Do you know how hard it is to go to bed at night? I can't sleep when you're not next to me, Hanna. I just want you here, in my arms, where I know you're safe. Hanna..." her voice broke off, no longer to keep herself from crying.

"It hurts so much not being there with you right now," Hanna whispered as she listened to Emily cry. "But just a few more months, baby, and its holiday break. Can you make it a few more months? For me?"

"I can try."


She couldn't do it.

There was no way.

Every word looked like it formed its own sentence, like it wasn't even in English at all. They became so jumbled and confusing that Emily had thrown her book across the room in her frustration. She didn't bother meeting her roommate's questioning gaze as she stood up, shoved all her textbooks and pens and notes off her desk and stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her and heading outside.

Finals were in a few weeks, and Emily was cracking. She was never good under stress, and she was beyond her limits at this point. She would spend nights awake studying and reviewing, only for it all to disappear when she decided to take a nap or swim a few laps.

And swimming was beginning to stress her out, too. Her times were slipping; Coach had to replace her as anchor for the past four meets.

She hadn't smiled in days.

Her everything was off, and she couldn't figure out how to fix it.

Now here she was, storming around the soccer fields on campus, threading her fingers through her messy, frizzy tresses that she couldn't bother pulling back into a bun or something, all while angrily huffing and puffing and stomping her feet. Suddenly, she froze, and let out the most alien scream of frustration that she had ever made, dropping to her knees afterwards to keel over in sobs.

She had never been so stressed out in her life, and it was slowly killing her.

Hanna. She needed Hanna.

But, the realization that her girlfriend was in New York and not five minutes away only added to her rage, and she punched the scruffy, muddy ground as hard as she could.

'Stupid, stupid, stupid!' she thought. 'How could you ever think you were smart enough to handle this? Worthless, pathetic, disgraceful. You weren't raised a failure, Emily Fields, but here you are now, the biggest failure of them all.'

She felt vibrations coming from somewhere on her body, patting herself down until she fishes her cell phone from the pocket of her cardigan, Hanna's name lighting up her screen.

"What?" she answered harshly.

"What happened? Are you okay?" Hanna sounded worried.

"What are you talking about?"

"Marley called me. She said you threw all your stuff off your desk and stormed out of the room."

'I should have never given my roommate Hanna's number.'

"Yeah, yeah, Hanna, I'm fucking great!" she shouts. She didn't want to yell at Hanna - that was the last thing on her mind. Her girlfriend had just called at the worst possible time.

"Em, talk to me."

"I can't!"

"What do you mean "you can't"?" Hanna sounded more than confused.

"I'm a failure, Hanna! I can't do anything!"

"Emily Fields, what is this crazy talk? You are not a failure."

"I can't do it! I can't remember anything I'm supposed to know for finals; everything I study just basically falls out of my head the next second! I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't even swim! Nothing I do is right anymore, and I don't know how to fix it!"

They were both silent for a long while, the only sounds were Emily sniffles as silent tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Maybe it isn't your job to fix it," Hanna suggests, not sounding so sure of herself.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing," she sounded determined. "Just... do you have plans for the weekend?"

"Hanna, what?"

"Do you?"

"No, but-"

"Good, Em, don't make any. Listen, I hate to do this, but I have to go. Tomorrow's Friday, right? I'll talk to you then." There was some muffled chatter as Hanna pulled the phone away from her mouth momentarily. "I love you Em, so much. Just hold on till tomorrow, okay? Trust me."

"...Okay."


She should have seen it coming; it was all too convenient, what with her roommate suddenly having a "family emergency" and leaving for the weekend, the room sparkly clean by the time she returned from class the next afternoon, but none of it made any sense until there was a knock at the door, and Emily came face to face with baby blues.


They were tangled together, naked underneath Emily's deep purple sheets, Hanna being the big spoon once more, tracing geometrical shapes on the small of her girlfriend's back.

"Who knew all I needed was some good sex to feel like myself again," Emily joked, basking in the afterglow of a long overdue, three-hour sex marathon that the two girls both desperately needed.

"Oh really, that's all?" Hanna smirked, turning to sit up, feet dangling off Emily's bed as she sat on the edge, toes just barely reaching the floor. She yawned, stretching out her arms as Emily sat behind her, pressing herself against Hanna's back and encircling Hanna's waist till there was no room left between them.

"Seriously, thank you," Emily brushed blonde hair aside to pepper kisses across a white, creamy neck. "God, I've missed you so much."

"I can't believe I flew out here to see you. I feel so spontaneous."

"You should," Emily purred, nipping softly at Hanna's shoulder.

"No, Em," she giggled, trying to squirm away but Emily kept her hold firm, tugging Hanna back down on to the bed and turning her so they were now face-to-face. Their laughter subsided and the two women were left in the silence of their happiness, Hanna tracing Emily's jawline as the brunette rested their foreheads together.

"Will you tell me what happened yesterday?" Hanna asked, her voice barely coming above a whisper.

Emily sighed, looking down briefly at their intertwined hands nestled between their chests and back up again.

"I... cracked."

Hanna remained silent.

"I cracked. I totally lost it. The amount of stress I was under, with finals coming up and the last swim meet next week, I felt like I couldn't handle it. Nothing seemed to be going right. I tried to do everything right but it all came out... wrong."

"Emily..."

"And I know that I'm not supposed to do everything right, but..." a small tear escaped, despite how much she tried to hold it back. "...I know shouldn't be doing everything wrong."

"Hey, listening to me," Hanna was demanding, yet gentle. "You got me right, okay? You got me so right, Emily. You've been under so much stress, and we both missed each other so much, it was starting to take a toll on us both."

Emily sniffled, nodding in agreement.

"And I want you to know that you are not a failure, because you know what you did? You made me see that for every Satan creature around like Alison DiLaurentis, there will always been one shiny knight who won't let the devil girl's bullshit taint or ruin any friendship that she made. You made me so much stronger than I could have made myself, Emily. I haven't made myself throw up in almost two years, and that's all because of you. So whenever you thing that you're a failure or that you can't do anything right, well I'm a living example here to prove you wrong."

Emily smile at this point was so bright; it could power the sun for at least a decade.

"I love you. I love you so damn much, Hanna."

"I love you, too."

"I've missed you. I finally feel like myself again."

"I know how you feel," Hanna smiled, pulling Emily close until they were flush against each other. "What do you say to pizza, ice cream and some horror movies? A good old girls night?"

"Can I choose this time?" Emily asked, her eyes hopeful as she smiled dopily up at her girlfriend.

"Ugh, fine, but wipe that cute ass grin off your face and put some clothes on. And you better not try to cop a feel during the movie, because if I feel any wandering hands if we watch something about zombies, I swear I will not hesitate to chop your fingers off."


A/N: wow so i intended for this to but just a one shot but then i realized i had another idea and yay here we are. this picks up right where the other left off, and it's mostly don't from emily's pov. i'm not sure if i'll continue with this or try out something new, because i have a lot of hannily ideas floating around that don't quite go along with this story. let me know what you guys think.