Chapter 2
"Tom, please, you can't take Ramen with you to Diagon Alley", Dumbledore sighed, "He'll terrify other people."
"Ehhh, why are people with superpowers such wimps," Tom whined, "Ramen won't bite them. He's too stuck-up to eat anything raw."
The snake gave a series of angry hisses.
"Ohhh, you are in for it now old man. Ramen is mad." Tom grinned mischievously, raising a hand to cover his mouth as his whole body shook with the effort to contain laughter, "He said that he's a peace loving snake whose favorite food is carrots and how dare you suggest that he is dangerous within hearing shot of Ms. Sparkles."
"I beg your pardon?" A carrot loving snake? Merlin, he must have gone mad.
"See, Ramen is weird. He's crazy for Ms. Sparkles, but Ms. Sparkles hates the sight of him hahaha." Tom giggled, "Last Valentines, Ramen tried to give her a carrot as a present and she jumped out of the window to escape instead." At this piece of information, the snake dropped onto the ground from its perch on Tom's shoulder and started to try to bury itself into the ground. Every inch of its body spoke of dejection.
Dumbledore's mouth twitched at the sight, doing his best to not laugh at the morose snake. "And might I ask who Ms. Sparkles is?" he asked, curious about the subject of the snake's affection (and really, the owner of that unfortunate name).
"Oh, she's Billy Stubbs's rabbit."
Wait what? "I beg you pardon? A rabbit?" A snake in love with a rabbit? What in the name of Merlin's baggiest robes?
"Yeah, Ramen has been in love with her for ages. Even changed his favorite food from steak to carrot for her. He wanted to have something in common with her." Tom answered nonchalantly as he crouched down next to Ramen and started to stroke the snake comfortingly. "I think it's stupid cuz he can't have meat anymore, and steak is the best food after ramen, but Mrs. Cole thinks it's adorable. Gross." He shudders.
...And Dumbledore thinks that muggles (or women in general?) are mad if they think that it's only 'adorable' for a snake to fall in love with a rabbit and then become a vegetarian altogether. It's bloody insane.
"Ramen hates it when other people say that he's dangerous. He thinks that's why Ms. Sparkles won't give him the time of day." Tom shook his head with a wise, grave air, "The delusional idiot. The real reason why Ms. Sparkles rejected him is …"
He trailed off theatrically. Dumbledore found himself reluctantly curious. Curse it, the boy sure knows how to capture other people's attention.
Tom wiggled his eyebrows suggestively as he motioned Dumbledore to come closer. Against his better judgement, Dumbledore crouched down on the ground with Tom. "It's actually because," Tom said in a loud whisper, "Ramen is an ugly and rude bastard!"
With a yelp, Tom leapt away from the ground, giggling like mad as he ran out of the orphanage, an angry Ramen nipping at his heels.
Dumbledore, on the other hand, realizes that he has never loved his phoenix Fawkes as much as he does now. Thank Merlin that the sweet boy never involved him in any ridiculous romantic struggles.
"Yes, unfortunately, poor Ramen has never been right after Ms. Sparkles rejected him," commented an amused Mrs. Cole, who admirably kept a poker face throughout all of this exchange. "According to Tom, Ramen started making poems about why he is born a snake when he is a rabbit at heart. I think he is having a bit of an identity crisis."
Yes, he's definitely getting Fawkes that expensive goblin made silver perch he's been whining about.
Dumbledore was unceremoniously shoved out of the door with Tom and Ramen by Mrs. Cole.
"But, But," He tried helplessly, "don't you want to come with us? To Diagon Alley?" Please don't leave me alone with them went unsaid but was heavily implied.
"Ah, I don't think so," she laughed, "I have to sort out the money that Tom just gave me. Have to purchase supplies and all that." She smirked at Dumbledore briefly, before pushing him out of the doors of the orphanage. "Good luck Mr. Dumbledore."
What a cruel cold-hearted woman. She'd fit right in with Grindelwald and his ilk were she a witch.
At that very moment, screams erupting outside on the london street and a loud, "Oi, Ramen stop trying to eat me! I told you, I'm sorry I called you ugly! But you are still a bastard!" had Dumbledore running.
"Sweet Merlin," he gasped, speechless at the sight in front of him.
Ramen had somehow managed to become 10 feet tall (magical snakes, no matter how magical, should not be able to do that!) and was destroying trees left and right as he tried to bite Tom. The muggles were screaming their lungs out, though thankfully none appeared to be hurt as both the snake and the boy were doing their best to avoid them. The boy who started all this chaos was miraculously still alive and giggling. He was currently jumping from tree to tree - leaping far too high and landing far too light - as he dodged strikes from Ramen.
Dumbledore groaned. Why, oh why, does he have to deal with this? The scene in front of him was a nightmare. The sheer amount of muggles that needed to be obliviated and have their memories changed. And don't even get him started on the property damage.
Maybe he can make the muggles think that a small hurricane just blew through? Or maybe an attack from that muggle dictator? He whimpered, horrified, as Ramen gave up on the chase and instead splat out a huge ball of water (which all but screamed powerful magic) at Tom - who stopped moving and turned to face Ramen instead.
"No, don't!" Dumbledore yelled. He tried to cast the Protegeo charm, but he's too far and that ball of water is moving too fast. Dumbledore felt sick, he fancied himself the protector of the weak, and yet he was going to watch his pupil get murdered before his very eyes. (Just like Ariana, please no...)
Only, Tom created a glowing mass of wind in his hands and threw it to meet Ramen's attack.
The powerful constructs erupted against each other and created a huge crater on the ground.
Dumbledore stared on, dumbstruck. He felt as if he was chewed by a particularly affectionate Horntail. Harried, frazzled, and entirely out of his depth.
A snake with enough magic to do that?! He's not even going to think about it.
But Tom...an eleven year-old doing wandless powerful magic with that kind of ease?! Dumbledore was (and still is) referred to as a genius himself. But at that age he was just happy with a successful stinging hex!
"I must be going mad". he whispered to himself as, in front of him, the still giddy Tom leaped onto Ramen's head and yelled, "haha, try hitting me now stupid! You'll never catch me alive!"
"Yep, I am most certainly mad."
He was interrupted from his internal crisis by an absolutely miserable wail of "NOOO, NOT YOU TWO AGAIN!".
A glance towards the right told Dumbledore that a harried looking Ministry personnel had arrived to deal with this serious breach of the Statute of Secrecy.
"Tough day?" Dumbledore commiserated.
"An absolute nightmare!" the man cried, "some nutcase smuggled a dragon into the country and started flying around on it. My entire team went to chase them down. Two got blown off of their broomsticks, three got severe burns, and I got a major concussion. Why oh why, do these two have to act up today of all days!"
The poor fellow obviously had many dealings with Tom and Ramen before.
He paused for a second, turning around to stare at Dumbledore contemplatively. Hope started to bloom in his eyes.
"But wait! You are Mr. Dumbledore! You must be here to take Riddle to Hogwarts!" the man exclaimed, sounding absolutely delighted, "ohh ho ho, this means I'm not responsible for cleaning up after these two terrors anymore! You are their caregiver now!"
"Now, wait a minute -" Dumbledore started, having a sinking feeling about what the man was trying to get at.
"- That means you are responsible for this mess!" The man squealed, sounding as if Merlin had just come back alive, "St. Mungos, here I come!"
"No, wait just a moment -"
But Dumbledore was too late. With a loud crack, the man vanished on the spot.
"- I'm only their temporary caregiver…" he trailed off weakly, a hand reaching out to grasp at the thin air.
Dumbledore felt bone tired. Taking care of the muggles was simple enough (though one did try to sock him in the eye) and the property damage was explained away with a simple story of a meteorite falling from space.
But how does one calm a heartbroken, angry snake bent on revenge?
And Tom, ignorant to Dumbeldore's plight, isn't helping the case as he seems delighted in riling Ramen up with the occasional calls of "Bastard!"
Dumbledore tried constrainment charms, which the snake broke after a minute of struggling. He tried shrinking charms, which bounced off of Ramen's scales uselessly (the snake appears to be just as resistant to magic as the dragons). Heck, he was even desperate enough to try seduction - he presented the snake with a pretty white rabbit that was transfigured from a nearby pebble.
Really, not his proudest moment.
The blasted snake eyed him with disgust and with a hiss, turned to attack him instead.
"Ohhhh Ramen said you just insulted his love for Ms. Sparkles and he challenges you to a battle to prove his love," Tom cheered, "Go get him Ramen! How dare he think you will fall for just any rabbit!"
He really wants a Firewhisky now.
In the end, Mrs. Cole (who'd finally come out to investigate the commotion) came to his rescue.
"-PROPERTY DAMAGE! SHOULD I THANK YOU TWO FOR AT LEAST REMEMBERING TO AVOID INNOCENT BYSTANDERS?!-"
Tom gave her a hopeful smile, his big blue eyes lighting up, looking relieved that appeared to be letting him off the hook.
"-THANK THE LORD THAT THESE POOR SOULS DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU TWO CAME FROM! THEY'D THINK THAT THE ENTIRE ORPHANAGE WAS FILLED WITH BUDDING TERRORISTS!"
Both culprits winced at that.
"NOW YOU TWO ARE GOING TO SHOP WITH HERE. I WANT YOU TO FOLLOW HIS INSTRUCTIONS TO THE DOT! THAT MEANS NO PRANKING, NO FIGHTING, NO JUMPING FROM ONE BUILDING TO ANOTHER, NO BECOMING GIGANTIC, NO PLAYING WITH YOUR POWERS, AND NO TORMENTING POOR MR. DUMBLEDORE!" she hollered.
Turning around to face Dumbledore (who unconsciously backed up), she asked in a deceptively sweet voice, "anything you'd like to add dear?"
"Um, Ramen…" Dumbledore forced the words out of his throat. He really can't allow a snake that powerful to come to Diagon Alley. He'd terrify the wizarding population senseless.
"Transform him into a rabbit." She snapped, "For God's sake, I saw what you did with that pebble."
But he's resistant to magic! Dumbeldore wanted to protest. But the words died in his throat when Ramen leaped in front of him, eyes gleaming with delight. Beside him, Tom exclaimed, "Old man Dumbs, you are like Ramen's fairy godmother! You are so cooooool!" and proceeded to declare Dumbledore as his personal hero.
Merlin have mercy on him, please let that boy be a Slytherin. Horace fancied himself the collector after all. The dear chap can deal with the doom that is Tom Riddle and his ridiculous pet and muggle caregiver.
Omake 1: In which Tom Riddle escaped from Dumbledore seconds after they entered Diagon Alley.
Tom Riddle made his entrance to the magical world by hanging off of the top of Gringotts and yelling "I, THE GREAT TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE, WILL BE THE NEXT MINISTER OF MAGIC! BELIEVE IT" to the bewildered witches and wizards unfortunate enough to be at Diagon Alley at that moment.
He emphasized his declaration by splatter painting Gringotts in a blinding shade of orange.
This of course did not sit well with the goblins, who really didn't have the best tempers to begin with.
These creatures saw the act as a declaration of war and immediately assembled a 15 man squad to go after Tom.
Tom, on the other hand, was delighted. He scooped up Ramen (who was busy admiring his newly acquired white fur and fluffy ears) and sprinted off with a loud whoop. "You will never catch me! Believe it!"
"Hey, hey, Ramen, I feel like I've done this before!" he said as he leaped from one roof to another.
"What? Piss off a bunch of ugly goblins?" Ramen answered, "Tsk, why am I still speaking snake?! I thought I'd be able to speak rabbit in this body. That old man-wizard is a total flake! And I have soooo many poems I wanted to recite to Sparks...At this rate, I will never be able to tell her how her glorious white fur makes me want to purr." His rabbit ears drooped down gloomily at the thought.
"-Haha you have to do your teleporting thing faster!" Tom yelled over his shoulders. "No, I mean being chased and running away on rooftops! I did this before. Somewhere. I think people in masks were chasing me! It was awesome!"
"Hey, hey, idiot, do you think Sparks will like me now? I think I'm a totally hot rabbit now. Maybe she will finally eat the carrots I give her now?" Ramen continued on unperturbed, he tapped his paws excitedly against the top of Tom's head.
Tom stopped suddenly, twisting his head to try to look up at Ramen. "You are such a weirdo Ramen, girls are gross!" Tom said in all the seriousness of an eleven-year-old. He shook his head, exasperated at the strangeness of his best friend. "Let's go find old man Dumbs now, I heard him talking about a Firewhisky or something when we entered that pub. What a drunk, even I know adults are not supposed to drink when there's kids around."
In the end, the goblins that went on the wild goose chase never managed to catch Tom. Because they only saw the backs of the boy during the chase, the only information they had is that the boy declared himself to be Tom Marvolo Riddle and that he appeared to be eight to ten years old judging from his short stature. Gringotts settled with listing Tom Marvolo Riddle as Undesirable Number 1 and refused to serve anyone with that name.
The very same day, Tom Riddle opened an account in Gringotts under the name Naruto Uzumaki. He can't explain why he did it, only that Naruto (which means fishcake in Japanese. An ingredient of his favorite miso ramen! And it also means whirlwind!) is a much better name than boring old Tom.
Omake 2: What Dumbledore was doing while Tom was leading the goblins on a wild goose chase.
In the Leaky Cauldron, Dumbledore is nursing his third bottle of Firewhisky on a couch by the fireplace.
"Mr. Dumbledore, didn't you have a student with you before? Where did he go?" Tom the bartender asked, bewildered that the esteemed Hogwarts professor appeared to be bent on getting roaring drunk in his pub.
"Tom?" Dumbledore blearily opened his eyes, "Gahhh, why are you still here Tom? Go terrify the poor sods in the Alley instead. Leave me alone..." He dozed off, still clutching the bottle of Firewhisky in his hands.
"Well, I never!" Tom exclaimed, offended.
From the year 1938 to 1939, Dumbledore bemusedly found himself banned from the Leaky Cauldron. He could not, for the life of him, figure out what prompted Tom to ban him. But, like many troubles in his life these days, he decided that Tom Riddle and his snake were to be blamed.
Sorry for the long wait! But here is chapter 2! A huge thank you to all those who reviewed and left such encouraging and supportive comments!
Next chapter: Abraxas Malfoy thinks that the sorting hat is senile. His new roommate is anything but a Slytherin: he is muggleborn, unrefined, loud, and a prankster to boot! But living with Tom also happens to be the most fun Abraxas had in his whole life. So no, his father won't hear about this (unless the newest target of Tom's prank is him that is, then his father will definitely hear about it!)
