Dear You- Chapter 2 The Plan
A/N: The response to this has been amazing, to the point where I immediately started this chapter. I know some things may not make sense, but I promise it's all for a reason.
"Ace, I know that I said you might not want to be my ace anymore, but you are in my mind. Maybe you'll always be, scratch that, I know you will. Because even in 10 years, if these letters never reach you, whether physically or emotionally, and we see each other across a crowded Yale campus for the first time in 10 years, I know that I still will have a hard time calling you anything other than that single syllable.
My Ace diatribe went longer than I meant it too, here's the real reason I'm writing. I'm not giving up, I know you didn't answer my last letter, I know that you seem perfectly happy on the trail, and I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy looking at the election through your eyes because I'm reading and re-reading every article you submit. But I want to hear your real thoughts, the thoughts you can't publish, because you've already been chased down by an angry ballerina and I'm sure being chased down by an angry politician would be much worse. Man, I got off track again, I started picturing Dick Cheney in tulle, anyway, I'm not giving up. Not until you tell Colin and Finn to tell me to stop, or call me and yell at me, actually that one is preferred, do that. I want you to see that I'm not walking away from this. I know I already did walk away, stupidly and without thought, but I can't do that again. Not until I hear from you that you're done.
So, with this letter, and I suppose the last one too, thus starts the Logan Huntzberger apology tour. And I've decided, I'm not just starting with the proposal, no, I have a lot more apologies that you deserve before that, so let's start with the first one.
I'm sorry I made you fight for us first, I'm sorry that you had to make the first move with us, I'm sorry that you had to show up at my dorm and say you were out, forcing me to face what I was about to lose. I'm sorry that I got jealous at that stupid party and confusing you on what we were and what I wanted. You deserved better than all of that. I wanted you, all that time, but not as much as I probably should have, not as much as I do now. I wanted you but not enough for me to give up the life I was leading, not enough originally to fight for you like I should have. You deserved more than me, and I kept pushing our limits and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that the beginning of us is so tainted by games and lies and things that you didn't deserve.
I was so happy when you finally agreed to be my girlfriend, I didn't think I could do it, but you made it so easy. Being with you was so simple, in the best way, being your boyfriend, being faithful, I know you're probably scoffing at that after the bridesmaid incident and I know we've worked through that, but I want you to know that being with you was the easiest thing I've ever done. Walking away from you at the pub that night was one of the hardest, and not speaking to you for two months it almost broke me. I thought all of that was hard, but this is harder, not knowing what you're thinking, not knowing if I can call and reach out to you, not knowing how your days are, how you're faring on the road. I wanted, still want, to marry you and somehow, I destroyed all of it. But I guess now we're getting into the proposal apology and I'm not ready to go there yet. Maybe it's to fresh, or maybe I just know that it will be the length of the Odyssey all I know is that I'm not prepared for that yet.
I hope you know that I'm here for you, even if you're not ready to talk about us, I'm still here for you. If you just need to vent, if you just need to scream, call me, use me, I won't pressure you to talk about anything other than what is on your mind. Just, I'm here Rory, please remember that.
Always,
Logan"
She couldn't help but groan as she read this letter, he was a persistent little asshole, wasn't he? Why wouldn't he just leave well enough alone? Wasn't the radio silence enough to get rid of him once and for all? She thought about just writing him back, telling him to stop, but she knew he would give up eventually and when he did his true colors would be exposed and she could tell everyone she was right. She was right, right?
RLRLRL
"Dear Logan,
What the hell? Where the hell did you walk off to? Was your pride worth destroying us? Was it worth not speaking? I miss my best friend Logan, I miss calling you and telling you what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, do you know how many times I had to censor my articles, but I know that you would love the additional commentary? I mean I can't explain how many times I had to stop my bias from coming through, I've already been attacked for letting my bias slip through at Yale and there are definitely higher stakes here, and this is definitely not the position to do it.
I hope I'm making you proud, if you're even reading. You are reading, right? I almost called you when I got this job, I wanted to tell you, hear you call me Ace, tell me you're proud of me. I wanted you to be there for me through this like I always tried to be there for you. Because I did Logan, I always tried to support you, even when it killed me, supporting you when you were doing well, like London, I can't describe how much it broke me watching you leave that apartment that day but I knew that you had to go, I hope you know that's why I had to do this.
You know, I am sorry. I am sorry for my word choice when I said not now. I'm sorry for not accepting immediately, I'm sorry our lives took us in opposite directions. Or maybe I should be sorry for starting us, are we something you regret? I hope not, because I couldn't imagine regretting you. I regret how much hurt we have between us. How much we didn't communicate, how much we let others into our lives. Hell, hour 1 of us being casual your life was threatened by the two father figures in my life, day 2 of being together, actually together, I was told I wasn't good enough for you. A few weeks later we were at my grandparent's home being paraded around like we were at an auction. Plus, I let my mom blame you for things that were far from your fault, I tried to tell her but when my mom and I's fight was ending, ours was just beginning and admittedly, I didn't defend you like I should have. I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore. I guess, I just hope you don't regret us, because I know that I've done a lot in my life that I regret but going after you was one of the best things I've ever done.
I miss you,
Rory (Maybe still Ace if you'll have me.)"
That conference may not have been her best admittedly, she kept thinking about the letter she wrote to Logan last night, can it even count as writing him a letter if he'll never get them? But Rory knew, deep down that it did count, it did matter. Maybe it would help her heal through this, it seems that the more she wrote the less the nightmares came, the less the sickening feeling in her stomach made itself known, like some kind of cathartic exercise that she's sure some therapist would tell her to do to help move past this heartbreak. But what if she didn't want to move past the heartbreak? If moving past it meant forgetting him or putting him in the past, she wasn't sure if she could do it then. She didn't want to admit defeat, admit that they were over, that this was it. It couldn't be it, right?
As the crowd moved towards the exit Rory couldn't help but get her hopes up, she knew he wouldn't be there, but it didn't hurt to hope, right? They were in Kansas City, KS, they had a stop in St. Louis, going up to Chicago, and then down to Nashville, and over to head up the East Coast, all before she would be home in 3 weeks for Thanksgiving. It was grueling, it was exhausting, but it was informative and exhilarating and something beyond her wildest dreams. And if all that were true, why did it not feel like enough right now? And then she saw it, the Logan journal, and she remembered why it wasn't enough anymore.
The caravan of reporters was staying in KC that night, hitting the road early in the morning, taking advantage of the relaxing night she decided to stay in, as Rory stepped out of the shower, she almost missed her phone ringing but quickly got to it in time to see her mom's name flash across the screen.
"Hey, hello, I'm here!"
"Hey kiddo! How is the terrifying world of political reporting? Did you get threatened yet? Bribed? Paid off to cover up some dirty intel?"
"Oh yeah, all of that, but the real juicy stuff is how uncomfortable the chairs are, it's much more of a crime than the boring underhandedness that everyone expects from the government."
"Well fine, hide the juicy information from momma. So, what about in your private life? Any interesting news there?"
"I had a drink spilled on me by a drunken seaman the other day."
"Ms. Patty would be proud." Lorelai said as she turned off the lights throughout her home, preparing to head to bed.
"I thought so, what about you? What's going on in your life? I know we've emailed some, but I feel like we haven't talked in forever. Anything to report on your end?" Rory wanted to divert the personal questions from herself. Not ready to get into the reality of the "Logan Journal" with her mom. They had avoided the Logan subject, Lorelai definitely didn't like talking about him and Rory couldn't bring herself to open up, knowing what her mom's reaction would be. She knew that her mom didn't like the idea of Rory saying yes, and she hated that she had let that influence her so much, even if it was a subconscious influence.
"Well, you know, Luke and I are testing the waters, I mean, I miss him kid. I missed him even when I was with your dad, maybe it wasn't a conscious longing, but it was always there. I thought it was just missing him being my friend, but I think it was always more. I hate that we wasted so much time apart. So much time we could've been talking things out, I know we both made mistakes and now we are just trying to move past them. I just, even though I have him back, I still miss him. I lived with him and even when your dad was here, the house never felt as full as it did when Luke lived here. I'm sure one day you'll realize what I mean by all of this."
"Yeah… or maybe I'm already experiencing it." Rory mumbled, mainly to herself as she stared at the journal sitting on her bedspread in front of her.
"What was that?" Lorelai asked, with a strange tone in her voice, she was hoping she heard her daughter wrong. "Rory, it wasn't right, the right time, the right man, the right everything. You know that."
"Yeah, sure mom, I know." What Rory wanted to say was that her mom should know something about the wrong timing, but she held her tongue, there was no use starting an argument over something that they would probably always disagree on. There was a reason why she had been hiding her feelings these past few weeks, sure she had broken down to her mom in the past but now that she was writing "to him" she didn't lean on her mom anymore. If there was ever going to be a chance for them again, she couldn't make her mom's opinion of him worse than it already was. Just as Rory was about to divert the conversation again, she heard a knock on her hotel room door. "Hey, mom, I'm sorry but someone is here, probably needing notes on today's conference. Sucks for them as my notes are so scattered, I'm sure Paris would spit on them if she could."
"Okay, well, have a good evening and I'll see you in a few weeks." Lorelai got off the phone and looked around her empty master bedroom before she quickly made a decision, she gathered herself, pajamas and all and marched through the town square headed towards her boyfriend's apartment.
In the middle of the country Rory was headed towards her hotel room door. As she opened the door, she couldn't help the huge smile that spread across her face. "Well, I'll be damned."
"Hello love, I think we need to talk." Finn leaned against the doorframe with a suitcase in his hands. "May I come in?"
