Warning: Chapter contains song lyrics that might offensive to some. No offense is intended.
After tossing and turning for another hour in my comfy warm bed, and noticing it was now 1 o'clock in the afternoon, I decided it was time to face the world…a year older.
My room is at the end of the hall on the 2nd floor past Alice and Jasper's room, a bathroom, and Jasper's study/library. I have the quietest corner of the house, thanks to the fact that it's the farthest from Rose and Emmett's room. My room is simple and plain, like me. The walls are a light tan, and the only furniture I have are my sleigh bed with a chocolate brown leather headboard and two rather large mahogany bookshelves, these are my babies. For some, reading is way to escape reality and venture into a fantasy land. I, on the other hand, live in a fantasy land and sometimes need a reality check from Dickinson, Bronte, or Austen.
I carefully tip toed out of my room, not wanting to disturb the pixie monster that is my sister, Alice. She lives, eats, and breathes, no pun intended, for things like birthdays. For her it's another excuse to hear her favorite sound, the swiping of a credit card. I tell her all the time that she has a shopping problem. Her comeback, "Bells, I'm in a 18 step program. Its exactly 18 steps from the entrance of the mall to the first store."
As I made my way into the kitchen the house seemed quiet, a little too quiet, for my own liking. Emmett was sitting on a barstool in the kitchen fidgeting with something on his nose.
"What are you doing, Em?"
Turning his head quickly in my direction, he looked like a four old who was just caught by his mom sneaking a cookie before dinner. Then I heard the clink of spoon hitting the marble kitchen floor.
"I was trying to balance a spoon on my nose before you broke my concentration. I was about to beat my record of 53 seconds."
"Ewww…gross….I so put those spoons in my mouth," sticking out my tongue and scrapping it with my fingernails trying to scrub off any of Emmett's nose cooties.
"Chill out, Smurf. I clean the spoons when I'm done. Not to mention, you're not the only one who uses these spoons," shaking the instrument in question in front of my face.
Emmett has called me Smurf for as long as I have lived with the Cullens. You paint yourself blue one time and they never let you live it down. In my defense, I had only been living with the Cullens for a few months and was still kind of intimidated by them. The Smurfs seemed like a rather excepting group and Smurfette was the only female Smurf, so I knew she needed a good girlfriend. That's when I decided to use Alice's blue poster paint to paint myself blue and go off in search of my new tiny family.
"Em, I am the only one that uses those because I'm the only who eats human food."
Emmetts genius response, "Naw uh" gesturing to a half eaten bowl of Cheerios sitting on the counter in front of him.
"Why are you eating Cheerios?"
"Cause they don't make Grizzlyos, duh."
My genius response, "duh" with a nice eye roll and smack to my forehead for added sarcasm. "No seriously though, why are you eating Cheerios?"
"Well, you eat them all the time so I wanted to see what the big fuss was about. Also, you have to be human all by yourself here, and I thought I could do something human with you."
Awww, that's actually really sweet. Then he continued.
"And I thought it would be cool do have a total Exorcist moment and throw up in front of Jasper and freak him out."
Now that's the Emmett we all know and love. I patted the top of his head lightly and gave him the classic "smile and nod".
"Just give me a heads up when you plan on going all Linda Blair on his ass, ok," knowing that's something I would rather not witness.
"No prob bob."
I made my way to couch and flipped on the T.V. in hopes of catching something good, but as always it was only cheesy reality shows. Until I hit the mother load, an all day Looney Tunes marathon on Cartoon Network. Hells Yeah!
Just as the Acme anvil was being dropped on Wile E Coyote, Esme strolled into the living room and joined me on the couch. Esme was stunning and reminded me a lot of my real mother. I found it hard something to look at her and not be sad about what I had lost. They shared the same wavy, shoulder length hair, only Esme's was more of a caramel brown. I couldn't have asked for a better mother and role model.
"Ehh, what up, Mom," giving her my best Bugs Bunny impersonation.
"Happy Birthday, Bella. Do you feel any older?" hugging my sweetly.
"Not really. I don't think I look any older either, but I guess that's a good thing cause neither do you all," smiling brightly in hopes that she won't be mad about the joke.
Carlisle and Esme don't really like when I joke about age because they feel it's important to concentrate on enjoying my life. In layman's terms, be human and ignore the fact that I live with a mythical family that won't grow old and die. That's easier said then done. Could they ignore a magical 3 inch fairy or a fire breathing dragon, I think not.
"So is there anything in particular you want to do for your special day?" smiling at me gently while giving me a look that says, "Alice has something planned so let me know if I need to call her and make her cancel."
"I kind of just want to hang around the house and maybe order some Chinese for dinner. Do you think Alice will be upset…" I was interrupted by my cell phone ringing…
"Cause we are living in a material world and I am a material girl, You know that we are living in a material world and I am a material girl…" Alice!
"Hello, this is Taco Bell you've crossed the border, may I take your order?"
"Umm…wait…what….Bella?"
"Whatcha need, Al?" stifling a laugh.
"Why did I just get a vision of the whole family sitting around in our pajamas watching Super Bad? Come on Bells, it's your 18th birthday, live a little," sounding rather annoyed.
"But I don't want too. I want to sit at home, eat Chinese food until I get sick, and see how many times Emmett can tell Rosalie 'I am McLovin' before she slaps him."
Thankfully, Alice started laughing on the phone which meant I had a good chance she might drop the whole big birthday plans idea.
"Alright, alright, you win this time! We can stay home," letting out small sigh of defeat.
"Bella -1, Alice-213. Watch out, Cullen, I'm on your heels."
"I'm shakin' in my Jimmy Choo's! I'll strop by and get your Chinese food on my home later. See ya."
"Later, Al-igater," hanging up my phone, I returning to the fabulous world of Pepe Le Pew and Speedy Gonzales.
I spent the next couple of hours exactly how I wanted, doing nothing. I took a shower putting on some sweatpants and my "United Blood Services" t-shirt Emmett got me as a joke for Christmas last year, and headed over to Jasper's study.
Jasper always looked like Carlisle to me. If Carlisle was Ken, then Jasper could definitely pass for Ken and Barbie's love child. He is tall and slender, but still muscularly defined. I've yet to understand how he and Alice don't get a crick in their necks from the height difference, he being over 6 ft tall and her under 5ft. Must be a vampire thing…it always is!
I laid on his long leather couch and read my book while Jasper fiddled with the computer. We stayed in silence for a few hours until Jasper noticed what I was reading, Gone With the Wind. After an hour lecture about how Rhett Butler wouldn't have lasted five minutes in the Civil War against the "damn Yankees", I decided it was time to make a break for it. I got up, saluted Major Jaz, and went on my merry way in search of Rose.
Rosealie, the most amazing beautiful woman I have EVER seen, was hanging half way out of the underbelly of her little red BMW. I cleared my throat so as not to startle her.
"Hey birthday girl, you here to get down and dirty with me?" said in an almost sexy tone while pulling herself up off the ground. She was covered in grease, yet still looked like she walked off the cover of a pin up calendar in an auto shop.
"Nope, but I sure am glad Emmett didn't hear you say that, I think his head might have exploded," knowing how his mind stays in the gutter.
I talked to Rose while she continued to work on her car until we heard Alice barreling down the driveway. I didn't need vampire hearing to hear the rap music being blared at a deafening level from the Porsche.
"Shawty say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
She say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
Lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
She say I ... like a lollipop" (Lollipop-Lil Wayne)
In a matter of seconds she was parked and at Rose and my side.
"I present to you….Beef and Broccoli, pork fried rice, and one egg roll," holding out the take out bag.
Curtsying slightly, "Thank you Al, you are my hero."
"Anything for the birthday girl."
The three of us locked arms and headed back in to the living room where Esme, Emmett, and Jasper were waiting. Emmett and Rose and Jasper and Alice embraced each other for an annoyingly long time, making me feel like I might throw up in my mouth a little. I glanced at Esme who looked as though she was fighting back nausea as well.
"Hey you, the Gropersons and McHumpers," waving my hand toward the two couples, "I kind of want to eat and you're making me lose my appetite."
Emmett chuckled, "You're just jealous."
"Yea…uh huh…oh to have someone brush my teeth with their tongue…how romantic." I sat down at the table and began to enjoy my heaven in a to-go box.
While I ate, Carlisle came in from his normal shift at the hospital and joined the rest of us at the table. Everyone made small talk about their day and Rose left to take a shower. Emmett, the concerned husband that he is, went to make sure she didn't "slip and fall" in the shower. They rejoined up at the table as I was finishing dinner.
"Hey Al, What's with all the fortune cookies?"
"I got one for everyone. I thought we could play the 'In Bed' game," laying on the Alice charm.
Carlisle cleared his throat, "I'm afraid someone is going to have to fill your mother and I in on the rules of the game."
"It's easy, you read your fortune and then add 'in bed' at the end," Jasper stated while handing them their cookie. "Rosalie, why don't you start us off?"
"Ok," she opened her cookie and read her fortune out loud. "Be mischievous and you will not be lonesome…in bed," giving Emmett a little wink, wink nudge, nudge.
"What's the percentage on these things?" Emmett asked in an excited yet serious tone. "I mean they come true like 90 of the time…80? A man needs to know these things."
Esme rolled her eyes at her goofball of a son and went next, "Your artistic talents win the approval and applause of others…in bed."
Something about the head nod that Esme gave Carlisle made that nauseous feeling come back. This time I think I did throw up a little. "Alright someone please hurry up and go so I can get rid of this mental picture."
"Ohh…ohh..I'll go," Alice was literally bouncing in Jaspers lap. "As the purse is emptied, the heart is filled…in bed." Alice pouted out her bottom lip, "Wait that sucks, I don't want an empty purse. An empty purse lead to empty closet."
Only Alice could think her fortune cook was unfortunate. I watched Jasper whisper in her ear and her sad little face light up again.
Jasper went next. "Your ability to juggle many task will take you far…in bed," he smiled smugly.
Alice looked longingly up at Jasper, "You know Jazz, I can personally vouch for your multi-tasking…" I cut her off abruptly.
"La-la-la-la-la-la," sticking a finger in each ear trying to concentrate on anything but my brother and sister.
Emmett laughed and took the cue to move on, " If your desires are not extravagant they will be granted…in bed," Emmett gave Rose a knowing glare that made me happy I was far away from their room tonight. Poor Carlisle and Esme.
I think Carlisle and I were on the same page because he gave a nice little "Ah hem" and went on with his fortune. "Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goal…in bed."
I had to do a double take but I'm almost positive Carlisle just gave Esme that same knowing glare. Maybe not poor Carlisle and Esme…man it's going to be a long night.
Then I noticed six sets of golden eyes staring at me intently, it was my turn to go. "Fame, riches, and romance are yours for the asking…in bed," I blushed a light pink as I finished the sentence.
Emmett and Jasper fell to the floor laughing while the rest of us watched them puzzled. They finally stood up, Jasper standing slightly being Emmett who had a menacing look in his eyes. They both put on their Ray Band sunglasses that were sitting on the counter and Emmett tucked in one side of his button up shirt.
"She steal my money," Jasper belted out like Jamie Foxx.
Waving his index finger up in my direction, Emmett started doing his best Kanye rap, "Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger."
"When I'm in need," Jasper continuing with his back up.
"But she ain't messin' wit no broke niggas," Emmett began to do some MC Hammer meets Vanilla Ice dance moves.
"I gotta leave," Jasper dropping to his knees, arms open wide toward the sky.
At that point, Alice and Rosalie jumped up to join their partners in crime.
"Get down girl, go 'head get down," Emmett moved out of the way while the girls lowered themselves down towards the floor, pushing out their butts, and bringing them back up slowly.
Jasper still kneeling on the floor, trying to look hopeless, "I gotta leave."
My head just fell into my hands as I shook it from side to side while they repeated the lines a few more times before wrapping it up with a few pelvic thrust and some Mariah Carey note holding.
"So I'm going to be a gold digger?" laughing at the couples as they went back to their seats.
Alice made a Mr. Miyagi voice, "Lie the fortune cookie will not, young grasshopper," she put her hand in a prayer position and bowed in front of me before returning to Jaspers lap.
We all laughed and relaxed back into our chair until the room finally fell silent. A minute later Carlisle spook up.
"So Bella, you ready to open your presents?"
