Eric
Chapter II
Never Going To Be Alone
I knew I should get up and walk away but I couldn't move. My ass was stuck; glued to the seat and my legs felt numb; my head was swimming.
In a man's world Dawn was climbing high up the ladder. She seemed to enjoy her freedom as I did. I could understand her growing and changing and wanting something different but I never would have figured she would want a liability like a child. What had me in a loop was why didn't Dawn tell me? As unprepared as I was for that situation I would have worked with her. Maybe she was afraid of my reaction. No, that wasn't it. She knew the playboy I was and didn't peg me for father material. Well good call there. She still should have told me if I was indeed this child's father regardless of what she knew of me (or thought she knew). She obviously didn't need me to help support her child. She didn't want me on a deeper level than I did a doubt I knew she had been prepared to do this alone but she never saw this coming.
No one person could prepare for everything. Life had taught me that lesson in a bitter way. This was something Dawn and I should have talked about long before this day but now she was dead and gone leaving me to deal with this shit alone. In this instant I hated her for it.
"What will happen to the child?" I asked. I had given up the calm exterior. My voice sounded worn and foreign to my ears. I felt drained.
"It depends on if you would be willing to do a paternity test and what the results are and what you decide to do" I was still deep in thought though I couldn't make sense of anything that crossed my mind at the moment.
"Detective that is quite enough of your badgering" The daemon in my lawyer was rearing its ugly head.
The detective was boldly ignoring him; holding my gaze and trying to appeal to me. "She's two weeks premature but she's perfectly healthy. This is her last night in the hospital. I kept DCF at bay by telling them someone was coming but by noon tomorrow she will be in foster care. If she's lucky she'll get adopted soon" He didn't sound hopeful about the last half of his sentence. This situation was fucked thoroughly and epically: fucked.
"Eric" Mr. Cataliades called. His hand was on my shoulder giving it a firm squeeze. He could clearly see I was wavering and it made him uneasy. I ignored him. He gave me a slight shake; trying to snap me out of it. "You are not legally obligated to do this. Let's go" I shook my head.
That was just it I couldn't walk away not knowing. The fear that I would have to be responsible for another life was my most pressing but I had others. It wouldn't be tomorrow or even in ten years but I would regret it. The very idea of it made me cold. This scene would haunt me. The uncertainty would torment me. I knew if I walked away this day would live in infamy in the back of mind until the day I died.
"I'll do it" I choked out. My lawyer gave a sigh of defeat that sounded more like a growl. Thalia was glaring at Alcide. He nodded at me and tried to ignore her.
"Follow me" He said. I rose and followed in a daze. My surrounding were a blur as my mind raced. All the dialogue of the people around me fell on deaf ears. Nothing really registered. Not the route we took to a lab, not the sting from a needle drawing blood. I vaguely recorded a vile being handed to Thalia and she disappeared. I was still in my daze until I heard my sister.
"What the hell?" she hissed. I blinked my eyes into focus. Pam was having words with my lawyer. That was not an appropriate description. She was toe to toe with someone who was easily three times her size and she was pissed. We were in a waiting room I noted. Again it was unclear how I got here or how much time had lapsed.
"How could you let him do this?" Pam growled.
"Let him?" The lawyer scoffed.
Pam lost some steam anyone who knew me knew I did what I wanted. I always have in fact it was a philosophy of mine. One that may have to change; like today.
"He did so against my adamant protests" Mr. Cataliades said with a shrug of his shoulders. Pam made a noise of irritation. It sounded very much like a hiss of an angry cat. When we were kids this was an indication that she was going to start throwing fists. Instead she rubbed her temples in an effort to calm down. When she had gotten a grip she came and sat next to me. Her legs were crossed at the ankle and her hands were in her lap. She looked the pillar of calm. It was forced. I knew her. She was sick with worry. I wrapped my arm around her and brought her to me. We didn't speak there was just nothing to be said for the moment. We were just waiting.
"It should be soon now" Mr. Cataliades said. He was looking at the clock on the wall.
My free hand clenched into a fist. It was well into the evening. I had been in this dreadful place for more than six hours. When I woke up this morning the biggest thing on my plate was the meeting I had with the reps from Leclerq Inc. It already seemed like a lifetime ago. My phone rang I ignored it. Pam's rang right after. She looked at it and her face paled slightly.
"Thalia" she said. Immediately after putting the phone to her ear she closed her eyes. This was a new look for her I had no idea if it was good or bad news. After less than a minute she hung up. "She is your child" Pam said. I let my head fall and rest against the wall behind me. It was impossible to describe what I was feeling in this moment. I wouldn't even try.
Several minutes later a young man walked into the room and handed Mr. Cataliades a manila envelope. He opened and read over it. There was no need for nerves anymore. I already knew what it said. Thalia was always one step ahead in things that had to do with me and Pam. I was glad Pam delivered the news. It was like a band aid. I don't think my calm would have held when I saw the envelope otherwise.
"What do you want to do?" My lawyer asked. I ran my hand through my hair. I hadn't thought about what I would have done if she was my child. I didn't want to drive myself insane with the what if's. There were so many in this situation it was enough to make your head hurt.
"He does not have to decide now" Pam said. I shook my head to disagree with her.
"I'm afraid he does. The child is healthy the hospital will not keep her past tomorrow at noon. Then she will fully become a ward of the state if no one is here to claim her" Hearing those last words snapped me out of it. Luggage, that was how I felt my mother died. We were told there was no one to claim us. That made life very interesting. I knew I could still walk away from here and never look back. In my heart I knew I wouldn't. It would shame my father and mother. Those two were everything to me. Everything I learned worth anything I learned from them.
There was no need for the child to suffer. This was not her fault. Neither of us got to vote in her being here. At least we had that in common. It has happened. I cannot bring anyone back to life with my sadness or hers. The only thing I had control over now was the decisions I made from here on out. It wasn't an ideal situation but I would make this work. If for no other reason than because I absolutely had to. Sometimes having no choice was in a situation was a blessing.
My tone was authoritative and even. "The child will stay with me" I said. I was myself again. It felt good.
The only person that would challenge me when I got like this was Pam and of course she did.
"Please excuse us" my sister said to Cataliades. He nodded and eagerly left the room. Then Pam turned to me. "Eric you are a good man trying to do the right thing but the right thing and the best thing are not always the same" We had always looked out for each other above all else and together we protected Alexei as best we could. Anyone who heard Pam would call her heartless or cruel-only sometimes was this true for us both. Mostly we were far from it. She wasn't voicing uncertainties that I myself did not have. I stood as I straightened my pony tail. I was sure I looked like hell. It was fitting because that was here I had been.
"What would you have me do Pamela?" she scrunched up her nose at me using her full name.
"What of the grandparents?" I shook my head.
"They took Dawn's money before her body cooled, called her child a bastard and left her" Pam was livid.
"Mammaknullare!" I nodded. Her choice of obscenities did not seem strong enough if you asked me. I was sure a new word had to be invented for those people. She was quiet trying to think of an alternate solution.
"She is my child" I was impressed with myself for not flinching as I said those words. "She is our blood. Should we abandon her like everyone else?" Pam looked down and I knew she was ashamed of herself for thinking whatever alternatives were going through her mind. "I need you with me on this" I was asking a lot but Pam was my only ally. I took a step towards her and extended my hand. For a long time she looked at it. I worried she would not take it but then she let out a huge gust of air before she took two steps to close out the distance between us. She bypassed my hand I wrapped her arms around me. I returned her embrace.
"I'm not changing diapers" She was dead serious.
We walked into the hall way where Mr. Cataliades was waiting. I reaffirmed my decision and he brought us to a nurse to inquire as to the whereabouts of the nursery. We checked in with security before we entered. A nurse wheeled out a clear portable crib and I saw her. I was scared shitless all over again. Simultaneously my resolve was strengthened. Yes, it has been a very confusing day for me.
She-my daughter could pass for a large burrito given her stature and the way she was wrapped up. She was so, so small. Something so helpless should not be so alone in a world so unforgiving and cold. The nurse picked her up in an expert manner and offered her to me. I took a step back and pushed Pam forward.
"Because I'm a girl I have to know how to hold a baby?" my sister grumbled in irritation.
The nurse gave us a confused look. She stepped forward for us to get a better look at the baby. "Her eyes are the same color as yours" The woman said nodding her head at me. I took a step closer. I was still uncomfortable with the notion of handling something so fragile. But I reached my hand out and brushed my fingers across her cheek. "Maybe you will be more comfortable if you sit and hold her" The nurse suggested. I nodded. It was silly of me to panic. I was going to have to do this eventually. My hope was in a year or so but I sat in the nearest chair regardless.
"Fold your arms like mine" I mirrored the formation of her arms and ended up with an awkward cradle. I held my breath as she placed the baby in my arms. All of a sudden the cradle didn't seem so awkward. I had to enclose my arms further but she was secure. She fit. I smiled. I was Eric fucking Northman. There was nothing I couldn't do. Pam was in front of me with her phone taking pictures.
"I have to see about her birth certificate and settling the bill" I nodded at the lawyer and he left.
"I have to give you a crash course on things" I looked at the nurse panic stricken. I didn't need a crash course I needed an extensive in depth class I told her as much. She smiled and patted my arm.
"Put her in her crib face up" Crib, I didn't have anything for a child at my house. "Right now she needs to eat every two hours" she did not explain what. I looked at my sister. She was typing furiously on her hand held paying no attention to my alarm. "Find a pediatrician for her one week checkup" Someone came in and called her before I could ask all my questions and she hurried away.
Pam was placing a call. The first thing I heard was her saying; "If it's a prank I swear I'll wear nothing but bargain brands for a year" No one who knew Pam could doubt the truth then. She put the phone on speaker. I knew who she was talking to even though he was speechless at the moment. He must have been floored because that kid never shuts up.
"Congratulations Eric" Godric said. That was all he managed to get in before Alexei's silence came to an explicit end.
"Dude, Fuck. A. Zombie!" I laughed. That was definitely my brother.
"Alexei" Godric's voice was full of reproach "That is the first thing your niece will ever hear you say, c'mon you know better than that"
Godric was a very mellow person. You could tell within five seconds of meeting him without him having to open his mouth. He was wise like Yoda without the bizarre backwards speech and monks could take a lesson for him about tranquility. The guy practically radiated serenity. Foul language bothered him; so basically every other word Alexei uttered. It was hard to believe that Godric raised him for the most part.
"Sorry, sorry" Alexei said. "Congratulations really I mean that. I'm just trying to wrap my brain around it"
"You and me both" I replied.
"She's beautiful" Godric said.
"She's a Northman" bragged Alexei. "It's guaranteed" We laughed. It wasn't clear who had the biggest ego out of the three of us.
"What are we calling her?" Godric asked. Another thing I hadn't thought of.
"I'll name her after mom I think" It was fitting somehow. There was a moment of silence at the mention of my mother.
"Lillian Marie Northman" Pam tested it out. Then she gave me a winning smile. I couldn't help but return it. I looked down at my daughter and this situation no longer seemed so desolate. We discussed her features in detail. Godric gave me words of encouragement as I shared my anxiety.
"Think of this way, you can't go as wrong with her as I did with Alexei" My brother made a noise of protest and we laughed. "I'll fly down as soon as I can to meet her". Godric said
"Me too" Alexei added. I knew it would be a few months at the earliest. He was in school across the country and Godric was working halfway across the world.
Pam got another call and we had to say our goodbyes. While Pam was barking orders to whomever she was speaking to I was staring at Lillian. I was trying to see my mother in her features but it wasn't there not physically. Still her name was fitting. In her life so far she has known much sadness and loss but I looked at her and saw strength.
Pam pulled me from my cogitation. "I'm going to your house to set up"
"Do you know what to get?" I asked surprised.
"Yes, I do this every day" Nothing could diminish her attitude. I smiled. I walked into that one because Pam knew less about kids than I did. She once tried to get Alexei to drive a car-he was four. "Bobby has found someone to do it" she said. I nodded.
The same nurse that had handed Lilly to me returned to feed and change her diaper. She was kind enough to bathe her to give me a demonstration. I watched trying to memorize it all but it was daunting to say the least. Once out of her burrito wrap Lilly flailed her arms and legs endlessly. The burrito was going to be a must do once I got her home. Otherwise I had no idea how I was going to keep a hold of something so tiny, fragile and intent on squirming.
Lilly was given back to me and I stayed late into the night staring at her and waiting for the shock to wear off. It didn't. Cataliades had the hospital staff turn a blind eye to me remaining long after visiting hours. Close to midnight I was asked firmly but politely to get the hell out.
It felt wrong to leave my daughter there for another night but it couldn't be helped. I had nothing to meet her needs yet. I called a car service. Instead of going to the bachelor pad I kept in Shreveport. It was close to work and it was where I stayed if I worked late which was often. Tonight I went to my real home in suburbs of Monroe. It was a mini estate that had twenty rooms. I bought it on a whim because I liked it but I was glad for it.
Pam had stayed the night in the room she kept here. I wanted to find out what room she had chosen to make Lilly's but I had more important things to tend to. I functioned best with a charted plan. Gather all the facts. Make the best available choices. Formulate a plan and follow through. That was how I approached any situation.
The first thing I did was take a long shower to clear my mind. After that I had a meal and settled in front of my computer to begin the steps. That was where I spent the majority of the night until my vision began to blur. Instead of coming up with ideas and knowledge. The only thing I had managed to do was further overwhelm myself. I read stories about hazardous toys that had to be recalled and lead paint that poisoned children and neglectful and abusive nannies. I had trust issues anyway but I knew I needed one or two for my daughter. Needless to say that thought died.
I thought about my little Lillian. I began to wonder if my sister was right. I wanted to do the right thing for her. I had more than enough money to afford her the best things. But I had no idea what I was doing. I had no guidance. How could I be the best thing for her? Leaving her alone wasn't right either. I was torn all over again. Making sense of my emotions was proving impossible. I was angry, sad, confused, anxious, shocked but mostly I was exhausted. The day had been draining. When I finally crawled into bed I missed my parent's presence more than ever before.
