"Neither shall ye build house, nor sow seed, nor plant vineyard, nor have any: but all your days ye shall dwell in tents; that ye may live many days in the land where ye be strangers."
Jeremiah 35:7
II.
A few weeks later, Michael Ayala found the forest. When they had first come to Hanon IV, Janeway and Chakotay had decided that the best way to explore the planet was to send out survey teams. Groups of four or five crew members went out together, for days or weeks at a time, in different directions, to explore the planet's surface.
Ayala had just returned from one such mission, and the first thing he did was go to his old friend, a quiet excitement in his eyes as he whispered, "It's beautiful, Chakotay. Huge trees, plenty of shade, lots of building material. It's just two days' walk from here."
"Have you told the captain?"
Mike shook his head. "We didn't have a chance to explore it. There might be drawbacks and dangers that we don't yet realize, and it might not be a suitable place to live. I wouldn't want to get the captain's hopes up only to have her be disappointed again."
Chakotay smiled inwardly, wondering if Kathryn had any clue how much these people cared about her. They called her 'captain' out of respect, but they looked at her with the affection of a friend or family member. Since her breakdown in his arms a few weeks earlier, he had seen her make an effort to appear more cheerful, but he knew it was just a facade. Mike's news of the forest might truly lift her spirits; the chance to build houses, a town, a real civilization, was something Kathryn would relish. "I'll go out with the next survey team myself. We'll make a trip just to see this forest and spend several nights there."
"You'd better be careful, Chakotay. Those man-eating cave snakes might have a woodland cousin."
"We'll bring plenty of weapons and we'll stay alert. I've done this before, Mike."
"I know, but we can't lose you. She can't lose you." Chakotay's expression darkened. "At least take Tuvok with you. He's the best archer we've got."
"All right."
"Good."
"Now get on back to Sandra. I'm sure she's missed you like hell while you've been gone."
Ayala offered his old friend a wry grin and a wink. "Now there's an order I can't refuse." Chakotay grinned back as Mike made his way back through the cave to the blanket he shared with Sandra Peterson.
It was a hard life they were living. There was no doubt about that. Sleeping on rocky cave floors with only blankets for cushion, depending on the warmth of the fire and each other, gathering food and forging tools by hand. It was a far cry from the luxuries they'd enjoyed on Voyager. There was no privacy. When someone got sick, everyone knew. Couples tried to be quiet but couldn't completely muffle the sounds of their lovemaking on cold, lonely nights.
Chakotay knew that this had been the hardest thing for Kathryn. Physical hardships she could take, but the lack of privacy had been hard for her to bear, and he suspected it made her distance herself from everyone even more. On New Earth, she'd been able to escape into her own room at night, and she'd asked him to call her 'Kathryn' on the first day. Here, there were no physical barriers, so felt she had to maintain the distance created by her title.
If they could build homes, furniture, separate rooms, it would make all the difference in the world. The only question was how to convince her to let both him and Tuvok go on a survey mission together without arousing her suspicions.
...
Janeway was surprised by how keenly she felt Chakotay's absence. She hadn't realized how much she'd come to rely on him, not just for professional advice, but for comfort and companionship. It didn't help that her other most trusted friend and advisor, Tuvok, was also gone on the survey mission. She had known they would be gone for days, possibly even weeks, but she hadn't been prepared for the way she would feel in their absence.
This was the first time Chakotay had gone on a survey mission; his presence at the camp had always been considered necessary. But they seemed to be safe for the moment, and the gravity of the previous eruption suggested that there wouldn't be another for some time. Chakotay had practically begged to go, and Tuvok had insisted on accompanying him. In all honesty, she realized that the fact they even asked her permission was thoughtful of them. There was nothing tying them to a command structure here. She had only continued to follow one in order to maintain a sense of decorum.
She had been thinking a lot about her conversation with Chakotay on the night she had learned of B'Elanna's pregnancy. She had tried hard to do what he had asked and to look around with an open mind. People did seem to be settling into their lives here and were perhaps even finding a modicum of happiness. B'Elanna and Harry had asked her to marry them after they had learned of B'Elanna's pregnancy, and she had done so on a warm day, with Voyager's crew and many of the natives as witnesses. But the small measure of contentment they had found wasn't enough, to her way of thinking.
"Captain!" Kes' urgent call pulled her from her thoughts, and she looked up as the young Ocampan rounded the corner of the cave. Kes' face was filled with worry.
Janeway was on her feet instantly. "What's wrong?"
"It's B'Elanna."
Hurriedly, she followed Kes through the cave to the corner B'Elanna and Harry had claimed for their own. B'Elanna was lying on the blanket, her head in Harry's lap, as he stroked her hair.
"What happened?" Janeway asked.
"She was feeling a little tired last night," Kim explained in a shaky voice. "I thought it was just the pregnancy, but today she has a fever, and..."
"And what?"
Torres opened her eyes and looked at Janeway. "And I'm bleeding a little... You know..."
"Kes, get Sam Wildman. She has medical training and experience with babies. And send someone to get Akitu."
"Yes, Captain." Kes was running before the words were out of her mouth.
Janeway knelt down on the blanket and took B'Elanna's hand, speaking with a confidence she didn't feel. "You're going to be fine, B'Elanna, and so is your baby."
"That's right, honey," said Harry softly. "Don't worry."
In a few moments, Wildman returned with Kes. They worked together to check Torres' condition. "You're not bleeding much, B'Elanna," said Sam. "A lot of women have spotting at this point in a pregnancy."
"Klingon women?" Torres asked doubtfully.
"To be honest, I'm not sure," Kes admitted, "but many human women do, and you are half human."
"It happened to me when I was pregnant with Naomi. Everything turned out fine." Sam and Kes tried to make B'Elanna more comfortable, propping her up with extra blankets. Janeway did not let go of her hand, and whispered reassurances that were meant as much for Harry as for his wife.
It was not long before Neelix arrived with Akitu in tow. "We came as fast as we could, Captain."
As Akitu approached Torres, Janeway and Wildman stepped back, giving him space to examine the patient. Akitu and Kes had formed a close relationship, and he spoke softly to her, allowing her to assist him. Then he barked what sounded like an order, and Kes ran off hurriedly.
Janeway and Wildman exchanged a worried glance. "Akitu knows how to help, Captain," Neelix assured them. As a veritable expert on Delta Quadrant languages, he had grasped Akitu's language more quickly than the rest of Voyager's crew. While Janeway and many of the others could engage in basic communication, many of the details of the native language still eluded them.
Kes returned a few moments later with some herbs, a bottle of liquid, and a clay bowl. She mashed the herbs together as Akitu watched, and when the mixture had become a thick paste, Akitu applied it to B'Elanna's forehead. Then he spoke to Kes too quietly for the others to hear.
Akitu stood to leave, putting a hand on Harry's forehead. "Spirits protect you. Protect Lanna." Then, with a sympathetic glance at Janeway, he left the alcove.
"What did he say to you?" Harry asked.
"He's familiar with this illness," Kes replied. "The compound he applied should lower her fever by tomorrow."
"And if it doesn't?"
Kes' expression grew grave. "It will, Harry."
"But what if it doesn't?"
"If it doesn't work, he knows another cure for the illness, but the baby would most likely not survive."
B'Elanna, who had been drifting in and out of consciousness, stirred, letting out an anguished cry.
"It's all right," Kes soothed. "You're going to be fine."
"That's right, B'Elanna," said Janeway, grasping the younger woman's hand again. "The baby is strong just like its mother. You're both going to be fine."
...
That night, Kathryn lay awake on her blanket, staring up at the rocky cave ceiling in the dim glow of the firelight. Please, she thought. Please let B'Elanna and the baby be okay. I'll do anything to save them. She knew it was an irrational thought, and that nothing she did could make any difference, but just the same, she silently prayed to spirits she did not believe in.
Her chest constricted and tears sprung to her eyes. She found herself wishing for Chakotay's calm, comforting presence, for the strength of his arms around her, for his gentle voice offering her sage advice. But he was not here. The survey team had been gone for over two weeks, and she was beginning to worry about them. She would give him one more day, and then she would send out a search party.
Oh god, she found herself thinking. What if Chakotay is gone, too? He could have been eaten by the gulak, swallowed by molten lava or taken by some other as yet unknown dangerous force. What if the whole team was lost? She couldn't bear to lose both Chakotay and Tuvok. Kathryn turned over on her side and buried her face in the blanket, tears streaming down her cheeks. What would she do without them?
She tried to breathe deeply and run herself through one of Tuvok's meditation techniques, but she couldn't blot the fear and worry from her mind. As she lay there in the waning light, worse and worse scenarios played themselves out before her eyes. B'Elanna losing the baby and then succumbing to the fever herself. Tuvok arriving back from the survey mission carrying Chakotay's mangled body. Sending out a search party and finding no trace of the survey team at all.
Stop it! she told herself angrily. You're the captain. You need to be strong for them. You need to be their leader. She closed her eyes and tried to find an image or a thought that would comfort her. Eventually, she indulged in a rare fantasy and let herself imagine Chakotay's strong arms around her, his broad chest pressed up against her back. She imagined that he was here with her and that she felt safe and protected. Then, finally, she drifted off into a troubled sleep.
She was woken a few hours later by a gentle hand on her arm. "Captain? Captain, wake up."
"Chakotay?" she murmured, struggling to open her eyes.
"It's me, Kes."
Slowly, Janeway returned to consciousness, finding that her dream of being with Chakotay on New Earth was the furthest thing from reality. The events of the past several hours came rushing back to her, and she sat up quickly. "What is it, Kes?"
"B'Elanna's fever broke. The bleeding has stopped. It looks like she's going to be fine."
With a long sigh, Janeway buried her face in her hands. "Thank god."
"She's awake if you'd like to see her."
"Yes. Just give me a minute." She used the makeshift latrine they had constructed and splashed some cool water on her face from the river that ran through the cave.
When she reached Torres and Kim, they were sitting on their blanket, Harry's arm wrapped around B'Elanna's shoulders. She watched as he pulled her close, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Kathryn smiled. "How's our patient?"
B'Elanna looked up with a tired smile. "I'm fine, Captain. Kes and Akitu say the baby is fine, too."
Janeway sat down on the blanket beside them. "I'm glad."
"Thank you for being here," said B'Elanna, reaching out to take the captain's hand. "And for the things you said. I needed to hear them."
"I'm just glad you're okay," Janeway replied, squeezing Torres' hand. They talked for a while, and Kathryn was relieved to see B'Elanna feeling so much better, even though a part of her was still worrying about the survey team.
By the time Janeway got up to leave, it was early morning, and the crew and the natives were beginning to shuffle around the cave. "I should let you both rest."
"No, Captain, please. We're happy to have your company," said Harry.
Janeway was about to sit back down when a commotion began towards the mouth of the cave. She heard excited voices and stood, starting towards the noise. Someone shouted, "It's the survey team!" and her heart seemed to stop in her chest.
Then he was in front her, bedraggled, exhausted, and the most beautiful sight she had ever seen. A few quick steps, and she launched herself into his arms. Chakotay was shocked, but she felt so good pressed up against him that he held her tightly and buried his face in her hair. Around them, others were hugging and welcoming back the other members of the survey team.
When Kathryn finally pulled back, she looked up into his eyes and made a vain attempt to brush some of the dirt from his face. "You look like hell," she said.
"You look beautiful."
She laughed. "Chakotay, I don't think that's possible. I'm living in a cave, I haven't had a real bath in months, and I barely slept at all last night."
He looked at her more closely, noting her red eyes and the dark circles under them. His face instantly clouded with worry. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, now. Everything is fine." She burrowed into his embrace again. "Everything is just fine. How was the survey mission?"
"It was a little rough," he admitted, and it was her turn to pull back and look at him worriedly. "But totally worth it," he assured her, his face spreading into a wide grin. "Kathryn, I have so much to tell you." He cradled her face in his hands. "But first, you better tell me what's been going on here."
"Come on," she said, slipping her arm around his waist and leading him towards B'Elanna and Harry. "There's someone who I think would like to see you."
After they had visited with Torres and Kim, and Chakotay had reassured himself that his old friend was going to be okay, Janeway and Chakotay retreated to a quiet location. "I'm so anxious to hear what you have to tell me," she said, "but you must be exhausted. I don't want to keep you."
He shook his head, reaching out to squeeze her hand, surprised when she didn't pull away. "It's okay. I think I'm equally anxious to tell you. I just need something to eat. It's been pretty tough out there the past few days. Really scrounging for food."
"And of course you went without so that others could have," Janeway said, squeezing his hand back.
He shrugged. "I have a lot of experience going without. I think Tuvok ate less than I did."
"He's a Vulcan. Come on, Neelix usually has a pot of something going around this time."
They each took a small bowl of a steamed grain that resembled cornmeal, and retreated to Janeway's corner of the cave. Once they were seated, Kathryn looked up anxiously, and Chakotay chuckled. He could tell she was trying desperately not to ask him again about the survey mission, and he wondered at her sudden openness and acceptance of physical contact between them. Maybe she really did miss me. The spirits know I missed her terribly.
"What are you laughing at?"
"You can't stand it, can you? Being kept in the dark."
She gave an exasperated sigh. "Out with it. You can barely contain yourself, either."
"That's true." He put down his bowl and took her hands in his. "But only because I think this is going to make you happy, Kathryn."
She felt like she was holding her breath. "What did you find?"
"There's a forest." He watched as her eyes widened, and felt her grip on his hands tighten. "A very large forest. We weren't able to traverse all of it in the two weeks we had. As it was, we were really pressed to get back. But it's a good place, a place where we could make a home. We could build houses out of that wood; we chopped down one of the trees to test it, and it's good building material. Four walls, doors, rooms, furniture, separate houses for separate families... We could make our own little village, Kathryn."
"No more sleeping on cave floors?" she whispered, her voice shaky. He shook his head.
"No more hearing everyone who's sick or having sex or snoring," he said, unable to keep the huge grin from his face.
"A real home," she repeated softly. "Our own village."
He nodded excitedly, squeezing her hands. "It will be a lot of work," he cautioned. "It won't happen overnight. We'll probably have to move in small groups; not everyone will be able to live there right away. But we can start with some lean-to's, temporary structures where we can stay while we're building."
"How long will it take?"
"I don't know. If we all work together, a few months to have the basic structures up. Longer for furniture and things like that."
"Oh, god, Chakotay, a real bed!" She exploded with joyous laughter and threw herself into his arms for the second time that day. This time, he was prepared, and he cradled her against him, stroking her hair with one hand.
"A real bed," he affirmed. "I'll make you a bathtub, too, Kathryn, with hot running water. I'll make it as soon as I can."
She hugged him close and then pulled back to look at him, her arms still around his neck, his encircling her waist. She looked deep into his brown eyes, finding the comfort and care there that she'd been seeking so desperately only a few hours earlier. "I missed you," she whispered.
"I missed you, too." He pulled her close again and felt her body gradually relax against him, her eyes closing. When he heard her breathing even out, he shifted, rousing her from her semi-conscious state. "You're exhausted," he said. "I should let you rest." He started to stand up, but her hand stayed him.
"You're exhausted, too." He nodded, searching her eyes, trying to understand what she was saying. She tugged his hand again, and he sat back down next to her. "Just... stay," she whispered, putting their bowls aside and making room for him on the blanket. "Just to sleep."
Chakotay nodded and lay down beside her, spooning her and wrapping his arm around her waist. He felt her settle against him and sigh contentedly, and he pressed a kiss into her hair. "Sleep, Kathryn. Sleep."
